Lots of Shopping and one really big purchase!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great long weekend!!!

I am feeling a lot better!!! My ultrasound came back negative so I have no idea why I was having so much pain. My stomach felt tender and like it was bruised for days. Whatever it was, I just hope it doesn't happen again. That sucked.

My Thanksgiving was great. Lots of food and spending time with my family is always great. The only downside was my grandmother watching EVERYTHING I ate and kept on making snide comments to me. So much fun being told what you should eat when you are 26 years old. For the first time though, I actually stood up for myself and told her to STOP. That I know what I am doing and what I can and can't eat. That shut her up and the rest of the day was really pleasant.

I was a crazy person and went shopping on Friday. I also did lots of online shopping too. I am happy to report that I am officially done with my Christmas shopping!!! Now I can sit back and enjoy the holidays!

On Sunday, my mom and I went to a furniture store that was having a big sale. My furniture is from when I was around 12 years old and is seriously outdated. Plus it's falling apart. My room never really felt like my room, because the furniture isn't me. Neither was the color on my walls. We found an amazing 6 piece set on sale for less than $2,000. It is a great brand and honestly we couldn't pass up on the price. Individually one piece cost $1200. Why wouldn't I spend $800 more and get an entire bedroom.

It's gorgeous and totally my style. I am so excited for it to be delivered. Plus I'm having my room painted this week, so by this weekend my room will totally be transformed. I am going to take before and after photos so you can see!! I've never bought furniture before. I felt like a big girl going out and making a big purchase like this.

Update

So I went to the doctor yesterday and she thinks it could be my gallbladder acting up. I'm going for an ultra sound this afternoon for a better look.

Fingers crossed there is nothing wrong!!!!

PAIN

A few days ago, I kept on getting cramps in my upper stomach when I was working out. I just thought that maybe I didn't stretch properly or something. Then Saturday evening, I had really bad pains in my stomach and my heart was beating really fast whenever I laid down. I figured that since I haven't been going to the bathroom regularly that I was all clogged up and that what the pain was.

Sunday morning, I felt off but no real pain. Went to the gym, did some cardio and came home. By the afternoon that pain was back and worse than before. There wasn't one position I was comfortable in. Sitting, laying, it didn't matter. I was hurting. I went to bed in pain and throughout the night, every time I had to turn I felt awful. It is such horrible stabbing pain.

This morning, I felt terrible. Being the idiot that I am, I decided to go to work anyway. I figured I'm in pain no matter what, may as well suffer in my cube.

Well it's now 2:30 and I'm in excruciating pain. I have NO idea what is going on, but I'm getting a little nervous. I made an appointment with my doctor for right after work. I just hope it doesn't get worse before then.

Keep your fingers crossed that it's nothing serious! I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Funk

I seem to be in a bit of a funk this week. It seems to have come out of nowhere. I had a really pleasant weekend and managed to make good choices when it comes to eating. I got my hair done, which always makes me happy. I also went to a runner store and was properly fitted for a new pair of sneakers. It was pretty awesome too. They scanned my feet and taped me on a treadmill to determine what is right for me.

Then Monday happened, and BAM I'm moody and cranky. All day I felt off and then when I went to the gym it just got worse. I got weighed in and even though I've lost weight, I've lost muscle which is a big NO NO for my trainer. So she pretty much scolded me for that. Then I attempted another gym challenge and missed getting it done by 20 seconds. Ugh. So frustrating.

I came home, really upset and basically started crying hysterically. Making this change is just so overwhelming sometimes. Plus, I don't feel like I deserve it and my biggest fear is going back to the way I was.

Also my house is a mess right now. My cousin, who is a painter, is spending the week at my house painting basically the entire interior. Ever since we got new windows about a year ago we've needed it to be painted so it can finally look finished. So all the furniture is in the middle of the rooms, making it hard to walk around. It looks like a mess and that drives me crazy. Hopefully he'll be done sooner rather than later.

Sorry this is a little scatterbrained, but that's everything that's going on in my head right now. I go from one thought to a completely random issue the next. Hopefully by the weekend I'll be feeling back to normal.

Until then: what do you do to handle stress? Do you ever sabotage yourself?

Loving Myself

So I've been doing this challenge at the gym for about a week and a half. It's been going okay so far. I've been completing my daily challenges and trying to lose weight. If I stay on track and lose a good chunk of weight I really feel like I can win this thing. Which is now over $900!The only thing holding me back are these bonus challenges that they have each week.

They are impossible.

So far there are 2 bonus challenges, and both I cannot do. And it's so frustrating and I feel so out of place. I am the biggest person doing this thing and people who are really fit can't even do them. What hope does that give me? I already feel so far behind, especially when the second biggest person is like 40 pounds lighter than me.

It just makes me so upset. I know I am on the right track to getting healthy, but I get so mad at myself for get this way. It's such a long journey and I know there aren't any shortcuts, but sometimes I feel hopeless.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't even deserve to be thin. Which I know logically that's crazy, but I can't help having those feelings creep in. I need to love myself as I am right NOW, but I just can't. Years and years I've always been told I'm not good enough. It's hard to erase those words and the pain they caused. Plus having a father who disappeared from my life when I was 12 doesn't help me either. If he couldn't be bothered to care for me, why should I?

This past year, slowly things have been clicking with me. I'm a lot stronger and I do like myself a lot better than I used to. If I didn't, I wouldn't have even started this weight loss journey. I'm just not all the way there yet. I truly believe losing weight is more mental than anything else. I need to be at peace with who I am, before I can really push myself physically.

I think this is the number one reason as to why I can't do these bonus challenges. I get it in my head before even trying that I can't do it. I need to start believing in myself and trusting that my body can do these tasks. I'm getting there, and hopefully this challenge will help me get there faster.

Trip of a Lifetime.

It's official. I am going to India!

I got my visa in the mail yesterday and quickly booked my plane ticket before the fares go up again. Also can I just say, I'm so so so thankful that Continental offers a nonstop flight to India! It's bad enough that the flight is over 14 hours, but having to do a layover would have killed me.

I am going for 11 days total and I can't wait to see everything I can. Specifically I can't wait to see the Taj Mahal.

I'm also scared shitless. Seriously. I'm worried about the culture shock, and even though I am visiting my brother, his wife and my baby niece, they will have to go to work. So most days I'll be by myself. In a country were I can't speak the language.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I couldn't pass it up because I'm a little scared. Once I'm there I'll be fine. And I know I'll make memories I will never forget.