Leaving the past in the past

With this funk I’ve been in I’m been thinking a lot about the past. I tend to put fuel to fire so to speak. I watch depressing lifetime movies, and I think about things in the past that are depressing and I would other wise not want to think about. I think I do this to myself to help speed the funk along and start feeling better.

Anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about talking to my mom about certain things. I’ve mentioned before I think that we have a strained relationship. I love her more than anything and we are pretty much on good terms now but when I was in middle and high school it was hell.

When my parents spilt when I was 12 my mom lost it. Quite understandably with everything he did but she took her anger and depression out on me. Which was unfair and deeply affected the person I am today. She never hurt me physically but the emotional abuse was too much to handle at times. One second she would be screaming and saying how much she hated ME (not my dad) and the next she would be crying and saying that she doesn’t know what she would do without me. She was rarely happy and anything that went wrong would always somehow be my fault.

It was like that for years.

What was worse I think was that she depended on me, an adolescent, to support her. To be her pillar of strength. In my opinion it should have been the other way around. I too was depressed and I just needed my mom to tell me everything would be okay. I never got that; instead I had to say that to her.

I grew up very fast.

My depression was so bad I shut everyone out of my life. I had basically one friend in middle school and because of everything I began having thoughts of suicide. I never tried anything, but I thought about it daily. How I would do it. Would any come to my funeral? Who? Would my mom miss me? Would my dad?

In high school my mom started getting better and I slowly pulled myself out of the depression. I went from being suicidal to absolutely loving my life. It’s so strange to think back on how I used to be, because I can’t even recognize her anymore.

I will always be susceptible to falling into a depression, I was for a little bit in college, but it was never as severe as it was then. It’s also something I know how to deal with now especially after the counseling I had in college. That helped me tremendously with dealing with my anxiety and depression.

Even though the past is in the past, I still feel as though my mom should know what I went through. I don’t think she really understands what she did to me. I don’t want to start a big whole fight with her; I just want to have an open dialogue. I’m afraid though she will take it the wrong way or she just won’t listen to me at all. On the other hand I feel like I can never truly open myself up to her if I don’t talk to her about it.

What would you do? Leave the past in the past or open up old wounds?

Bullets

• I totally failed with the no online shopping this month. I slipped and ended up buying a bunch of clothes from this one site that was having an insane sale. I saved so much that I don’t even feel guilty!
• All in all though I consider this a success because compared to the previous months were I was buying things at least once a week, only buying once this month is a great improvement!
• I decided to throw my mom a little party for her 60th birthday. I know she didn’t want a big thing, but so many people reached out to me, wanting to do something special for her, so I am throwing a little dinner at our house.
• I thought it would be easy, call a couple of people and get some food catered but it’s a lot more work. Also getting food catered is freaking expensive. I would rather have it potluck style but I feel bad asking people to cook. I’ll probably just suck it up and order the food. You only turn 60 once right?
• I’m still in a bit of a funk but I’m slowing pulling myself out of it.
• My knee is still hurting me!!! I’m going to the doctor in two weeks from today. Hopefully I will finally get some answers!
• Still on the hunt with finding my mom an outfit to wear to my brother’s wedding party. It’s not going well. She is obsessed with this one thing we found at a bridal store. They didn’t have her size, and they couldn’t order it. So now she wants me to find it elsewhere. I’ve tried but I can’t find it ANYWHERE and I’m the queen of finding clothes online. I even called the manufacturer of the brand to see if I could order it but it couldn’t be done because they only do bulk orders! I hope she realizes that we will have to find something else!

Kiss the Cook

Lately I’ve been cooking a lot. Which is strange because I don’t really like to cook. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a pretty good cook, I can even make ravioli from scratch! I’m just not really into it.

These past few weeks though I’ve been downloading recipes online and trying them out. This past weekend I tackled mini quiches for the first time and this weekend I’m attempting to make a pumpkin roll. This looks difficult but if I get it right I will be soo happy!

Baking is what I enjoy doing the most. Which is funny to me because I hate cake and pies. I never eat what I bake but other people tell me they are good. My specialty is crumb cake.

I like baking more because it’s so precise and one wrong move and you could have something completely inedible. But when it comes together you can get a little slice of heaven. With cooking I like how you can improvise. I almost never measure when I’m cooking I just eye everything. My family looks down on measuring, especially when making marinara sauce!

I just like the smell. How it fills the house up and makes it so inviting. It makes a house a home.

Okay I’m going off on a tangent. I seriously don’t know what’s gotten into me.

Do you like to cook? What’s your special dish?

Stuck in a funk

I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I feel as though I have nothing to say right now. It may just be writer's block but who knows.

My knee is slightly better than last week but is still hurting. I decided I'm just going to wait til Nov. 10th to see my doctor about it. I really hope/wish that it will be better by then and I won't have to go at all. Fingers crossed!

This past weekend I went with my mom to help her find an outfit for my brother's wedding reception. Since they are already married and everyone knows they are just having a party. No ceremony. It's going to be pretty laid back dress wise because of this but my mom is treating it like it's going to be a black tie affair. She's looking at all these foofy dresses and won't consider scaling back a little. I mean some of the dresses she tried on looked like she was going to the prom!

I just know that if she is really over dressed she will feel uncomfortable but she doesn't want to listen. Also my mother hasn't worn a dress in over 20 years. Literally. I'm trying to persuade her to wear just a nice pantsuit so she will feel comfortable and look more appropriate. We'll see what she ends up with.

Other than that I'm stuck with what to say or even do. I've been pretty stagnant lately.

Ugh I hate when I get like this.

Hopefully soon I will snap of it!!

Frustrated

I have a pretty decent insurance plan. In fact this is one of the best plans I've been on.

Despite this I cannot find an orthopedic doctor that accepts my insurance!!!

I've made countless phone calls all telling me that the Doctor doesn't participate in my plan.

WTF

I finally one doctor, who I've seen before, that accepts. The only problem?

His earliest appointment is in a month!

I'm in too much pain to wait that long.

I keep hitting all these dead ends and I just don't know what to do.

To make matters worse every time I think about what could be wrong with me I start tearing up!!

I'm just maxed out on stress.

I need a new game plan and I just don't know what that is.

Fail

So I caved. I bought something online yesterday. I just couldn’t help myself. The dress was originally $108 and it was on sale for $38. How could I not buy that great of a deal.

Also remember I said that I was buying two dresses right before this whole thing started? Well one was amazing. The other was just meh so I decided to return it.

The price of that dress was a lot more than this so I figured I’m not really cheating. More like an exchange!

I know I’m pathetic.

Well this morning I get an e-mail from Nordstrom telling me the item I ordered is no longer available and has been cancelled!!!

How funny is that?

I’m going to take that as a sign that I need to complete my month of no online shopping!

R & R

Things at work are finally back to normal. This means more time for me to blog!

This past weekend was really nice and relaxing.

Friday night I went to see my brother coach the local high school football game. He is an assistant coach and I know most of the other guys coaching too. I forgot how crazy these games are. There were tons of people and everyone was just so fired up! It was a lot of fun and defiantly brought back memories of when I used to go to the games. Also my bro’s team won and it was a great game. Not boring as some can get.

Saturday was pretty low key. My knee is still really hurting me so I needed to give it some much needed rest. I just caught up on my DVR which was overflowing with shows.

That night I went to a friend’s house and just hung out, watched a movie and drank some wine. It was pretty delightful. Sometimes it’s good to just lay low and not go out and get crazy.

By the way I suggest the movie Amelie. It was so cute. I think I might actually buy it!

I think the rest helped my knee out a lot. I really hope it will get better soon. I’m delaying making an appointment with the Dr. because I’m so scared that something is wrong. If I don’t feel better by next week I will call.

How was your weekend?

Bullet points

This week at work I am covering for two people who are out. Needless to say I've been insanely busy! I've barely had time to read other people's blogs and I really missed not being able to post like I wanted to this week.

Anyway here are some updates about me

• I fell in Penn Station when I was going home from work!!! Not only was it mortifying but also I really hurt my knee. I fell right down on them and now my right knee is twice the size of the other and I'm in a lot of pain. It's been a few days now and I'm really worried that something might be wrong. If I don't feel better by next week, I'm going to have to make a Dr's appointment. I am so bummed about this. I've been crying non-stop. With all of my past knee problems, I finally got to a point where I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with this stuff anymore and here I am back at square one.

• This no online shopping thing is really hard!! Especially when stores like Barnes and Noble send me coupons for 30 percent off!! They must know that I'm not shopping this month and are doing it to tease me!

• This past weekend was a complete fail with me cleaning out my room. I didn't touch it! It was just one of those weekends when you blink your eyes and it's already Sunday night! I'm going to try and attempt this again this weekend.

Challenge

I decided to post a challenge to myself this month. Starting Saturday I will not allow myself to buy anything online until November. My online shopping has gotten out of control. It’s to the point where I’m purchasing things at least once a week.

I’m not stopping because I need to save money or whatever; I’m stopping because this is becoming a bad habit. Most of the things I buy I can do without. Keep in mind I’m nowhere near the Shopaholic chick from the books. I don’t buy THAT much, but it is becoming like an addiction.

What happens is I get bored at work and I run out of things to do online. I read blogs, check my e-mail, and my usual websites (perez, popcandy, FML, etc) and then after that I’ don’t know what to do. I used to check the sites repeatedly until something new pops up, but that’s gets real old real quick.

So what I do now is after all that I browse shopping sites and buy things. My staples are clothes, books and makeup. Sometimes shoes if I know the brand and what size I am for them.

I’m not spending a lot. Part of what thrills me while online shopping is searching for an amazing deal. Like buying a coat from Nordstrom that was 200 dollars and on sale for only 40 dollars! Or the one time Sephora was having this amazing sale where I was getting makeup from brands like Hard Candy for only 3 to 5 dollars.

This helps kill time and also come 3 to 5 days later I get a nice little gift in the mail. It’s a win-win. Only I feel like it’s getting out of hand. It seems I can’t go a day with out at least browsing. Which would be fine if that was only what I was doing but I will end up talking myself into buying. Just this week I’ve bought books and makeup (that will be delivered today btw) and the previous week I bought clothes from Macy’s.

So starting Saturday no more online shopping, I am still allowed to go to actual stores. Despite that I have a feeling this is going to hurt. Hopefully I will last!! I will keep you updated.

Also if you are wondering why I’m not starting today it’s because I’m buying a dress tomorrow from Nordstrom. I would wait until the month is over but it’s on sale and I actually need it since my brother is most likely getting married in December. And I’m worried it won’t be there in a month.

Do you see how I talk myself into these things??? lol

Any tips on how I can resist temptation?