Stop Talking!

I went to go see One for the Money yesterday with my mom. We love the Stephanie Plum books and I really wanted to see how the movie would be. Especially the casting.

The movie was cute, but not really that great. Some of the characters were spot on, others missed the mark. The movie could have been more fast paced I think, it just seemed to drag on. I doubt they'll turn it into a series.

Anyway during the movie there was 3 women sitting TWO rows behind us, that did not stop talking the entire movie. It was a running commentary comparing the book to the movie. Every scene they would talk about how well they casted this person or that person. Or certain places from the book and how it looks on the film. It was driving me insane! I like to watch my movies in silence and not hear you go on and on and on about the movie. I tried to turn around and ask them to be quiet, but they didn't hear my over their own chatter.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up and walked over to them. I asked them if they could please keep their comments to themselves. I have NEVER done something like that before. Usually I'll just grin and bear it when people act that way. I don't know what came over me, but I'm glad I found the guts to speak up. I spent the rest of the movie in peace and was able to actually hear the dialogue in the film. I felt a little bad though saying something, but why should I suffer? They should have known better.

Oh also, before the movie started, I went and got my mom popcorn. I had those little trays they give you for the popcorn and our drinks. I sit down, hand my mom her drink and all of a sudden the popcorn spills all over the floor!! I felt horrible!!! It was the first time my mom has been to the movies in years and I spill her popcorn. I offered to buy her another, but she was fine with the little bit of popcorn that stayed in the bag. I still feel so bad about it to. I need to take her back and make it up to her again. I can be such a clutz.

All around, not the best trip to the movies for me. lol.

Have you ever spoken up and told someone to be quiet??

Getting Ready for Turkey Day

Things at my house are crazy. My mom is getting everything ready for Thanksgiving and is in full melt down mode.

This happens every. single. year.

We have had Thanksgiving at my house for almost 30 years. My mom goes into panic mode a week before the holiday every year. Between the cleaning and the cooking she is a mess. I try to help out as best as I can, but she makes a bigger deal out of it than it is. She always thinks there are more things to be done then there really is.

So this weekend was crazy. I had to move a ton of boxes down into the basement, countless loads of laundry, help iron and hang new curtains we bought for my room and the living room. I had to go buy the liquor, some food she forgot and a larger curtain rod for the windows.

There was window washing, floor washing, shaking out rugs, cleaning toilets. It was a lot and I was exhausted. Got in a workout just from that!!

We got a lot done though and my mom is starting to calm down a little. It's definitely a tradition I've come to expect ever year. And honestly, the holiday wouldn't be the same without it.

I have a very short work week this week, so there is a very good chance I won't blog again until next week. I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving and a great Black Friday if you shop!!!

I am very thankful for my health and happiness this year. I am so full with love this year, and so thankful to be surrounded by people I adore.

What are you thankful for?

Lots of Thoughts

This is be a little all over the place today. Thinking about too many things.

* My weekend was really nice. Went to a PBA luau that was on the beach on Saturday. The weather held out and was a really nice night!! I was upset I didn't win any prizes though. Almost every at my table did but me! Oh well. It was a great night and was much needed. Here is a picture from the day.



* Found out at work that I'm going to be getting an actual office in a few months!! Yay! I'm so excited. Right now I'm in a pretty big cubical, but it'll be nice to have an actual office with a door. And much needed privacy. I can't wait!

*On my way to work this morning, my car started to make crazy noises. Really squeaky noises and then loud rumbling kinda noise. Then it felt strange driving it. I was really scared and pulled over into a shopping center. I called my mom because I didn't know what to do. We went back and forth and finally decided to call AAA. However I really needed to get to work. I didn't want to miss a day. Thankfully I live really close to one of my friends from work. I called him up and he just happened be passing me at that moment!! He stopped and picked me up.

I was going to call AAA after work and deal with it then. However I guess my mom felt bad, she called them up and is right now waiting for them to come and look at it. I feel so bad that she left work for me!! That was so nice of her. I really hope there isn't anything really wrong with my car. With my luck though, it probably will be something.

This wasn't the best way to start the week for me. I'm in a crummy mood now! I hope things start to look up soon.

Surprise!

My mom’s party was a success!! Not without a few hitches in the beginning though!

She was really cranky that morning and basically refused to leave the house when her friend came to pick her up to go to lunch!! It took a half an hour of pestering her to get out of her PJs and go out!

She was being so stubborn that I thought I was going to have to tell her. Also I was freaking out because my Aunt and Grandma were going to be there any minute!! The whole day I was a big ball of nerves, hoping everything would go as planned. Also I started to get nervous that my mom would be mad at me for doing this! The house is under some construction right now and all she ever says is how much of a mess it is. It doesn’t look that bad, most of the work is done, but my mom can be a bit of a drama queen.

Once she was out of the house, my brother and I quickly set everything up, and the caterer arrived and set up the buffet for us. I was so surprised at how quickly we got everything done. By the time my Aunt arrived to help we were done!

Once everything was set up we were just waiting for people to arrive. Then my aunt started to panic when it was close to the time my mom was getting back and no one had come yet!! She was actually pacing around the house! Thankfully everyone pretty much arrived at once and with plenty of time to spare before my mom got back.

Since I live on a small street it was basically impossible to hid people’s cars. My brother got the idea for everyone to gather outside when my mom pulled up and do the surprise like that.

So when my mom’s friend called me, we all went outside to surprise her. Boy was she surprised!! She was freaking out about not having any makeup on!! She was really happy though, which was such a relief for me!!

About 40 people came and I was so touched that everyone made the effort to come. It was a great party, the food was a hit, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It was a little chaotic because my house was so crowded, but it was a good chaos where you just know people are having a good time.

I’m happy everything worked out and that my mom had a great birthday!!

P.S. I did take pictures but completely forgot to upload them this weekend. Hopefully I will remember and put them up this weekend!

What if?

The party for my mom seems to be coming together really nicely.

This past weekend I spent running around buying what I would need, ordering food, and calling people and everything seems to be done, and everyone I invited is coming.

Everything has fallen into place and it's kinda freaking me out! Usually I'm working things out until the last minute but everything is done. Which is why I've been freaking out about nothing.

What if I forget something?

What if everyone will forget and no one will show up?

What if I didn't order enough food?

What if I ordered too much?

What if my mom will be pissed I gave her this party?

I know deep down, that no matter what happens everything will be fine. I just can't help thinking about the What ifs though.

Leaving the past in the past

With this funk I’ve been in I’m been thinking a lot about the past. I tend to put fuel to fire so to speak. I watch depressing lifetime movies, and I think about things in the past that are depressing and I would other wise not want to think about. I think I do this to myself to help speed the funk along and start feeling better.

Anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about talking to my mom about certain things. I’ve mentioned before I think that we have a strained relationship. I love her more than anything and we are pretty much on good terms now but when I was in middle and high school it was hell.

When my parents spilt when I was 12 my mom lost it. Quite understandably with everything he did but she took her anger and depression out on me. Which was unfair and deeply affected the person I am today. She never hurt me physically but the emotional abuse was too much to handle at times. One second she would be screaming and saying how much she hated ME (not my dad) and the next she would be crying and saying that she doesn’t know what she would do without me. She was rarely happy and anything that went wrong would always somehow be my fault.

It was like that for years.

What was worse I think was that she depended on me, an adolescent, to support her. To be her pillar of strength. In my opinion it should have been the other way around. I too was depressed and I just needed my mom to tell me everything would be okay. I never got that; instead I had to say that to her.

I grew up very fast.

My depression was so bad I shut everyone out of my life. I had basically one friend in middle school and because of everything I began having thoughts of suicide. I never tried anything, but I thought about it daily. How I would do it. Would any come to my funeral? Who? Would my mom miss me? Would my dad?

In high school my mom started getting better and I slowly pulled myself out of the depression. I went from being suicidal to absolutely loving my life. It’s so strange to think back on how I used to be, because I can’t even recognize her anymore.

I will always be susceptible to falling into a depression, I was for a little bit in college, but it was never as severe as it was then. It’s also something I know how to deal with now especially after the counseling I had in college. That helped me tremendously with dealing with my anxiety and depression.

Even though the past is in the past, I still feel as though my mom should know what I went through. I don’t think she really understands what she did to me. I don’t want to start a big whole fight with her; I just want to have an open dialogue. I’m afraid though she will take it the wrong way or she just won’t listen to me at all. On the other hand I feel like I can never truly open myself up to her if I don’t talk to her about it.

What would you do? Leave the past in the past or open up old wounds?

Stuck in a funk

I've fallen into a bit of a funk. I feel as though I have nothing to say right now. It may just be writer's block but who knows.

My knee is slightly better than last week but is still hurting. I decided I'm just going to wait til Nov. 10th to see my doctor about it. I really hope/wish that it will be better by then and I won't have to go at all. Fingers crossed!

This past weekend I went with my mom to help her find an outfit for my brother's wedding reception. Since they are already married and everyone knows they are just having a party. No ceremony. It's going to be pretty laid back dress wise because of this but my mom is treating it like it's going to be a black tie affair. She's looking at all these foofy dresses and won't consider scaling back a little. I mean some of the dresses she tried on looked like she was going to the prom!

I just know that if she is really over dressed she will feel uncomfortable but she doesn't want to listen. Also my mother hasn't worn a dress in over 20 years. Literally. I'm trying to persuade her to wear just a nice pantsuit so she will feel comfortable and look more appropriate. We'll see what she ends up with.

Other than that I'm stuck with what to say or even do. I've been pretty stagnant lately.

Ugh I hate when I get like this.

Hopefully soon I will snap of it!!

A closed chapter

I have mentioned in the past that I no longer have a relationship with my dad. While I am no longer sad or have any regrets about the entire situation, people still feel the need to bring the subject up all the time. I don’t know if they just don’t believe me that I am fine or just can’t understand the situation, but it really gets on my nerves after a while.

Especially if people KNOW I don’t talk to him anymore and feel the need to ask if I’ve spoken to him lately or how is he doing. When people say things to me I feel like they are saying it to make me feel guilty, or are looking down at me for being such a terrible person for not speaking with him.

I try my best to diffuse the situation but I don’t really know how to get these people to just stop asking me. It’s a closed chapter in my life, one that I don’t feel the need to have to defend all the time.

My mother seems to be the worst offender when it comes to bringing him up. She knows how I feel and yet she keeps on “trying” to get me to talk to him. Which is complete bullshit because she honestly couldn’t be happier that he is out of my life. I don’t understand why she has to do that.

Like yesterday she told that it was his birthday and maybe I should call him or something. Maybe I should send him a gift? Umm are you serious??? I feel like she only brought it up to get a rise out of me.
She puts on this façade with our family and friends about how she wants me to have a relationship with him but I know that is a complete lie. Many times has she told me about what she thinks of him. Trust me though, that’s not the reason him and me don’t speak anymore. It’s a looonnnggg story.

Also, when I was trying to have a relationship with him back in college I visited him during spring break. Because I actually had an okay time instead of wanting to kill myself, which is what she secretly wanted, she got so mad at me that she did not speak to me for almost 2 months!! I’m not even exaggerating.

Why does she have to keep on bringing that whole subject up? I’ve tried many times to get her to understand how it makes me feel but she doesn’t seem to grasp it. She seems to think that I have all these issues and anger toward him but that’s not true. I’ve completely forgiven him, not for him but so I could finally move on with my life. It’s just that I’m happier with him out of my life than when he is in it. He tended to make me miserable and feel awful about myself. I didn’t need that so I walked away.

I know it’s a tough situation but I wish it could just be left alone. I’m fine and I have never once regretted the fact that I no longer have a dad in my life anymore.

I wish people would get that and stop thinking I’m lying when I say that.

The First Step

My first baby step to a better me? No more shopping with my mother!! Since I still live at home my mom always seems to try and get me to go shopping with her. Which would be fine if she didn’t’ take every opportunity to make me feel like shit. She says horrible things about the way I look when I try things on. I don’t even like to think of them now because I get upset. I’m not sure why she does it, it’s like she can’t help herself.

The biggest thing she always attacks me about is how clothes fit. My mom doesn’t get the concept that clothes are supposed fit you. She thinks that in order for a shirt to fit it should be basically hanging off your body. Which actually tends to make you look much bigger. So every time I wear an outfit that fits she goes on the attack on my weight. I feel like she thinks that if clothing is four sizes too big then people won’t realize I’m overweight. What she fails to realize is when an outfit fits you well it can be very slimming.

Even though it is tempting to go shopping, she always promises to buy, I just can’t anymore. We have totally different taste in clothes to begin with anyway so no matter what it’s always a battle. This past weekend was a huge test because she was practically begging me to go out. She was bored sitting at home and instead of calling her friends she decided to pester me all day long.

I truly wish my mom would start to get more of a social life. She has so many friends but she very rarely goes out with them. Instead she sits at home and sulks about being bored. More than anything I wish my mom got a boyfriend. A companion to spend her days with. Sooner or later I will move out and then she will have no one around. Sounds like someone has self esteem issues no?

Like mother like daughter.

Mother's Day

This past weekend was Mother's Day. I got my mom a mailbox and the cutest thing from Etsy. A mailbox because her's is broken. There is no door on it. Now I didn't want her to get made that I got something so lame so I got her a custom piece from the brick kiln.

I decided to not show the one I got my mom because it had my name and my brother's names on it. Even though you know mine, I wanted to keep my brother's name a secret.

Mine looked just like this but instead had 2 boys and a girl on it.

Isn't that adorable!! I was so excited when I got it! All the names were spelt correctly and even though it was smaller then I was expecting it was still great. They were quick too! I got it about a week before Mother's Day. Plenty of time to make sure it was good enough for my mom!

I defiantly recommend you checking out this shop! They have tons of other options to choose from and the prices are very reasonable. With Father's day approaching you might want to check this place out for your dad. Or get one for yourself! I'm very tempted to get one for myself.

Mother's day was pretty nice. My family went to my grandma's in north jersey. I love going there. Even though she lives in Jersey City she has a really nice backyard. There is a semi-big garden with even an apple, pear and peach trees! It was a nice day so we spent a lot of it outside. We even took the two dogs so they could enjoy the day.

Then my grandma made homemade Manicotti and I was in HEAVEN. She is the best cook ever!

It’s the thought that counts!

This weekend is my mom’s birthday and she is the hardest person to buy a present for! My mom is defiantly one of those people who judge’s the gift and not the thought behind the gift. There has been many times when she made me cry because she didn’t like the gift I gave her.

Example one: When I was about 7 or 8 my dad took me to a jewelry store to pick out a present for my mom. Obviously he was going to pay for it, but it was going to come from me and it was my job to pick it out. Needless to say I was very excited by this. I ended up picking a bracelet that had different charms on it. That night I gave my mom her gift. She opened it up, took one look at it and said: “It’s ugly”. Seriously. She actually said that right to my face! I was crushed. I spent the rest of the night crying in my room. To really put salt on the wound, the next morning we went back to the place where I bought the bracelet and she returned it and she bought herself a silk scarf. She still wears that thing to this day, and every time I see it I cringe just a little.

Example two: I’m about 12. My dad is no longer in the picture so I save up a little babysitting money and get my mom a gift. She specifically told me that she wanted a Bob Seger tape (this was before CDs got popular). So I went to the Wiz, seriously dating myself here, and bought her TWO Bob Seger tapes. Her birthday comes and I give my present to her. She takes the tapes out of the gift bag and is very happy. Finally! Then she put the tapes down and looked back into the bag. She looked up after searching and asked me, “Is that all you got me?” Umm hello?? I’m 12. I’m not really rolling in the dough here. Again, I am crushed that I didn’t make my mom happy and go to my room and have a good cry.

After those 2 incidents every time her birthday comes, I freak out because I have to find the perfect gift. Of course when I ask her what she wants she tells me that there is nothing she needs or wants, and whatever I get will be great. Yeah, right.

This year I bought her a citrine necklace (pictured), her birth stone, and two sweaters from a store she shops at all the time. I really hope she likes them!

Can I go home?

On top of everything else this week I am sick. Seriously WTF?? It’s still technically summer and here I am sick. I really hope that this is the only time I get sick this year. It sucks. It started with a simple sore throat and escalated quickly to some very gross stuff. Unfortunately because of my vacations and other various days off I only have FIVE days available to take off until February. My company thought it was a genius idea that instead of having vacation days and sick days, why not just combine everything together? No, that is not a good idea. It gives us less days off and makes me want to NEVER take a sick day because I want to have fun on my PTOs (paid days off). So here I am at work, busy as usual and slowly dieing. I’m being a little over dramatic right now but I can be because I’m sick.

The best is that my mother, who’s a nurse, doesn’t seem to either care and/or believe that I’m sick. When I first told her this she told me to take a vitamin. A VITAMIN. I had no idea that a vitamin can cure a sore throat, congestion, and a nauseous stomach. Did you know that? Then this morning I was in a pissy mood because I don’t feel well but I still have to work, man I really wish I were still in school this would have totally be a “play hooky” day. Anyway when she asked me what was wrong, I was told her that I felt worse then ever. Her response, “Well if you would have listened to me and taken a vitamin you wouldn’t be like this”. Seriously. My mother who is a Director of Nursing where she works told me this. Um last time I checked vitamins help you stay healthy and strong, it’s preventative NOT a cure. That only made my day that much worse. Where is my mom when I was younger who would tell me everything will be okay, force me to stay home, and make me delicious pastina and anything else I wanted? I know I’m in my twenties and supposed to be a “grown-up” but days like this I want my mommy back!

Mamma Mia! Here I go again…

This weekend I went to go see Mamma Mia!. If it was up to me I would have gone to see the new Batman, but my mom really wanted to see this and the only reason why I was going to the movies was for her. I wanted to be outside by a pool because at the beach I was attacked by flies and had to leave after only an hour. Sadly there was no pool to go to, so I took refuge in the cool movie theater.

I love musicals and I am not even embarrassed to say it. I love going to see Broadway shows and watching any type of musical. I love Chicago, Grease, Hairspray, South Pacific, My Fair lady, you name it I’ve probably seen it. However there were 2 problems with Mamma Mia.

One was I really wanted to see the Broadway show first before seeing the movie. Same goes with books. I like to read the book, if there is one, before I see the movie. That way I can compare and contrast and see what the movie neglected to put in. I didn’t have the chance to go see Mamma Mia so I was reluctant to go.

Two, the movie would have been AMAZING if they would have toned it down just a tad. Obviously since it’s based off the music of ABBA and most musicals are over the top I was expecting it to be crazy, but this was a musical on crack. It was just too much, not to mention that they could have gotten better singers for some of the parts. All in all though I did still enjoy it, how could you not when there are upbeat songs and dances throughout the show? My mom LOVED it. I was kind of surprised at how much she loved it; she defiantly prefers movies that are of the crime cat and mouse kind of thing.

I do have to say though that the lead character was AWESOME. She has a great voice and amazing presence throughout the whole movie. I’m pretty sure she was the “dumb” one from the movie Mean Girls and I had no idea that she could sing like that. However I could be wrong in my guessing as who that is.

Did any of you see it? What did you think?

P.S. I cannot wait for Step Brothers to come out!

A New Day

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.

Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.

So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.

That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.

*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**

**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

My birthday ended up being so-so just as I suspected. My mother and brother went to a wedding the night before so the day of my birthday they both basically slept the whole day leaving me all by myself. My brother was understandable because he didn’t get home until about 8 o’clock in the morning but I was really pissed about my mother. For the whole week she was trying to cheer me up saying we were going to spend the day together. She was going to come with my to get my hair done and then go to the salon to get our nails done, followed by her making me delicious pizza.

Well, first on Friday she asks me how I liked her nails and didn’t they look so nice. I was slightly confused considering that she said we were going to get our nails done together so I asked her why she did that. In response she told me that she couldn’t go to the wedding without her nails being done. What would everyone think??? UMM mom? I don’t think anyone would have noticed your nails considering you wore CLOSED TOE SHOES to the wedding. Really??? Why did she do that?? I would maybe understand if she was wearing sandals or something but she didn’t. And anyway you promised ME that we would go together. It was your IDEA in the first place. That was what I should have said but I knew she would find a way to turn it around and make me feel guilty so I just dropped it.

Then on Saturday she never got out of her pajamas and did not go with my to get my hair done. Usually I wouldn’t want her coming with me anyway cause its so boring to watch someone get their hair cut, but we both know the woman who owns the salon and the hairdresser so my mom would have had plenty of people to talk to there. But because she was to tired or lazy how ever you want to put it I went to get my hair done alone and then to the nail salon alone. I tried to not think about it too much and just enjoy getting my hair and nails done in peace. Getting my nails done did actually calm me down since the lady gave me an awesome foot scrub/massage.

Finally the kicker is she had done nothing to make me pizza. She had no sauce or cheese and didn’t make any dough. She made me go buy dough and cheese and then bitched about making the sauce. I literally told her a month ago that the one thing I wanted was pizza, and she does nothing to prepare. She could have made the sauce a while ago and just froze it until my birthday. So there I was on my birthday running errands and going food shopping. Cause of course since I was already going to be there I had to pick up some other things that she needed.

Actually my birthday pretty much sucked. I can’t even say it was so-so now that I just relived that day. The rest of the day was spent with me watching TV and being bored.
Sunday was nice at my cousin’s graduation. My aunt and uncle flew in as a surprise from California and I hadn’t seen them in 4 years. It was so nice to see my family and get together. The weather was awful. It would pour and then the sun would come out and be hot and humid and then it would rain again. Thank god my aunt had a huge tent set up otherwise there would have been 50 plus people squeezed inside. It didn’t matter anyway because everyone was having such a good time.

Conversations with my mother

Priceless conversations between my mom and me. I swear almost every conversation happens like this.

Me: Mom I don’t really feel good today. I’m really nauseous.

Mom (who’s a nurse by the way): Take some Tums you’ll be fine.

Me: I already took them and I still feel really sick.

Mom: Well then you took too many of them. You know taking too many Tums can make you very sick. You shouldn’t be taking them as much as you do.

Me: I only took 3.

Mom: Then you didn’t take enough. Go and take 3 more.

Me: But you just said I shouldn’t take too many.

Mom: Oh you’ll be fine. Just suck it up already.

And another one:

(Completely out of nowhere)

Mom: You know why you don’t have a boyfriend?? It’s because you’re so loud. Guys don’t like girls like that. They want a delicate lady.

Me: Mom, when I go out I don’t walk around screaming and acting like an obnoxious ass. I am usually very quiet when I go out.

Mom: Well you should speak up and start talking more. Be more social. Guys don’t like girls who are wallflowers.

Me: But you just said that I’m too loud and need to act more like a “lady”.

Mom: You are too loud