Waiting Game

There is a date in the future, when (not to be dramatic or anything) my entire life will change. Knowing it's there and still a little ways away give me conflicting feelings on a day to day basis.

That day will be my last day of a 9-5 desk job. When I step into the complete unknown and go back to school to start an entirely new path of my life. It's terrifying but so exciting all at the same time. I'm still not 100 percent sure I'm making the right decision, but the excitement I get when I think about it, tells me I'm definitely on the right track.

However waiting for my last day, which is still 3 months away, it's excruciatingly painful. Knowing I have to be here until then is really rough. The days feel endless and like August will never get here. Despite that I've been trying to enjoy my coworkers while I can. I will miss them terribly. They are a big reason why I've been here as long as I have. Having true friends that you work with and you can confide in are really hard to come by. I know this all too well so I want to enjoy them for as long as I can.

Right now I'm not that scared or nervous about what I'm doing. It's still a good distance away for me to not really notice. I know that when those last days are fast approaching, I will get that anxiety and second guess myself. I am so so thankful that my mother has been so supportive of me. If it wasn't for her telling me that no matter what it's going to be okay, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to go through with this. My family and friends who know that it's coming have all been equally supportive for the most part (minus my supposed best friend).

I'm just so excited to get started!!!! I hate waiting; I'm a very impatient person. haha. Never in my life have I wanted to fast forward through summer before, but I just can't wait to start this new chapter in my life!! Although I fully plan on taking advantage of this summer and make it one of the best ever!

Taking Steps to make changes

Little by little I'm starting to realize what I want to be when I grow up.... but it's terrifying. And the steps I need to do it, are also overwhelming. It would mean going back to school for one thing.Which would mean quiting this job and finding (hopefully) a part time job to support myself while I go back.

Here's the thing. I love to cook, bake more specifically. And people have told me time and time again how amazing I am. People actually tell me I should open a bakery. However I have no training in cooking whatsoever. But I think this is something that could truly fulfill me. I know I would absolutely have to take some classes. I'm not dumb enough to just jump off a cliff without a parachute. But fear plagues me.

What if I actually end up hating it? Or I fail miserably? I won't be able to have health insurance at least for a while. Do I really want to work for myself? Anyway I've decided to at least test the waters.

The community college near me actually has a wonderful and well known culinary school. I'm going to meet with someone in admissions to just gather as much information as I can get. Find out the costs, when classes are usually held, how long it would take. All of that. I know I'll hate myself forever if I don't at least check it out.

I also made an appointment to see a therapist. Just to talk things out. I struggle a lot with my body image and I know I have severe body dismorphia. I thought I would just eventually learn to accept the new me, but it's taking a lot longer. I've been also gaining weight recently and I think it's a combination of stress and sabotaging myself. Hopefully this goes well.

Now that I look at this blog, I'm taking a lot of steps to a newer better me. And hopefully will continue to progress as time goes on!

Not quite ready to let go

I feel like this little blog of mine is dying a slow and painful death. I feel like I have no words for it lately. I'm not ready to let it go just yet though. I've had this blog for years now and it really shows just how far I've come as a person. I've grown so much on this blog and it's helped me work through a lot of crap.

I don't post very often, but I do still like updating. We'll see how much longer I'll keep it up though. Maybe if things start to change (ie find a new job or get a boyfriend lol) I'll get a burst of energy and enthusiasm for writing.

This weekend I'm going to Texas for work. I didn't realize it at the time it was booked, but going away for 4 days the week before Christmas blows. I'm missing out on so much this weekend. So many holiday parties to be had. And I'll be stuck at a convention. Thankfully I'm going with my closest friend at work and we do get a decent amount of down time. Here's hoping for warm weather and really good tex mex!

Also I've been done with Christmas shopping for weeks now and I wrapped all my presents this past weekend. So I'm ahead of the game. When I get back, I'll only have 3 days to work and then I'm off for 11 days!!! Yay!!!! I cannot wait for this! Christmas this year should be awesome. My brother and his family are coming up for a few days. So I'll get to spend Christmas with my niece, bake cookies and do all that fun stuff with a toddler. Then I may be going down to the DC area for a couple of days to spend more time with them. And hopefully see some of my friends from college.

It's been so crazy busy for me and it's just going to get even crazier starting this weekend. It's going to be a whirlwind and I hope I'll be able to take some time and just enjoy everything around me. I just love this time of year!

Much needed vacation coming!

On Sunday I am leaving for a week to go to Sunny WARM Florida!

It really can't come at a better time. My life is in a tailspin and I need a time out. I need to be able to relax and unwind. I haven't been able to for weeks, maybe even months if I'm being honest with myself.

These past two weeks have been a nightmare for me. On all ends. I can't wait to escape for a week and hopefully get some clarity on what my next steps should be. Ever have that feeling, where you standing on a cliff about to take a leap into the unknown.

That's where I feel like I am right now. On the verge of something big. But I don't know what that something is yet. I can feel change coming at me and fast, but I just don't know what it is yet. I hate this uneasy feeling I have 24/7. I haven't been able to lose any weight for months, and I know it's because of this stress. My eating and workouts are on point. But my sleep and stress is threw the roof.

Either way in exactly 48 hours from now I'll be laying by a pool soaking up the sun. I cannot wait! I've never needed a vacation more than I do right now.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I'm 28 years old and I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is something I've been struggling with for a few months now. I've been at my work for almost 5 years now and I think I'm ready for a change. I've become complacent and a little bored. I've also been given promises of a new job that have yet to be seen through.

I love where I work though. I love my friends here and the benefits/perks they give us. It's truly a wonderful company. I just feel stuck lately. And I don't know how to get unstuck. I say I need a new job but I haven't even so much as looked around. Mostly because I have NO IDEA what I would want to do next. I know if I were to make a change, it would be to something totally different. And that is so scary.

The unknown is terrifying. And I would be jumping in feet first. I just wish I had some inkling of what to do next. All I do know is I need to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I need to take action in some way.

I hate feeling so lost. It's making me sad and not only that, it's making me overeat. I'm up like 8 pounds right now and I am absolutely miserable. I feel awful inside and out. Today's a new day though. I'm back on track with my eating and hopefully this weekend I'll be brave enough to start looking around for new opportunities.

Alive

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's been crazy the last few weeks. Work is really really busy for me right now and this gym challenge is taking up the rest of my time. It's hard being a captain. Organizing everything, listening to people bitch all day long. It's exhausting. This past week alone, I've had to start bringing in my cellphone charger to work because my phone is dying so quickly. I get emails upon emails every hour from people at my gym, and texts and calls.

It's fun but I'm tired. Plus the challenge itself is TOUGH. My body is so freaking sore, and has been since this thing started. Which is a good thing in the end. It means I'm really starting to push myself and will hopefully bust through this plateau soon!!

I'm looking forward to the weekend. There is a St Patty's day parade in a town right near me. I can't wait to go and see friends. Because of all my travel and I was sick last weekend, I haven't gone out in NJ in over a month. I can't wait! Then on Sunday I'm going to see the Hunger Games. The books were so good. I read all three in 5 days. I just couldn't stop reading!

The trailer looks like it'll follow closely with the books and I think the casting is pretty spot on. With the exception of who they picked for Peeta. I am just looking forward to being home and going out with friends.

Bad Start

I completely forgot to set my alarm clock this morning. I woke up when I am usually leaving for work! UGH!! I have no idea what made me check the clock when I did, but I am happy. Otherwise I could have easily gone right back to bed!

I threw on clothes, ate breakfast in a nano second and was somehow out the door in 15 mintues! I ended up only being about 5 minutes late for work! Whew!!!

However I'm so off today now. I feel naked without any makeup on. I'm exhausted even though I got 20 minutes extra sleep. Just not the best way to start a Monday. Especially since this will be the first full week of work I've had in a while. I hope it will go fast!

My weekend was good. We got a little snow on Saturday. Enough to cover the ground, but not too much where driving was a problem. Saturday night I went out with some friends. A good friend of mine is moving away so it was his going away party. I'm bummed he's moving. I'll miss him a lot, but I get why he is going. I ended up drinking way too much though! I had no intention of drinking and then I just started to pound them down. lol. Thankfully I didn't drive and it was a great night out!

Sunday was football all day. I was bummed the Ravens didn't win. I really wanted them too. Even though I am a huge Jets fan, I am happy the Giants will be going to the superbowl. I hope they will beat the Pats!!

New and exciting opportunities

I told you all a few weeks ago that there were some big changes happening at my job. At the time though I couldn't really get into what was happening. I am a semi private blogger. I post pictures of myself on here and use my real first name. Sometimes that makes me uber paranoid that someone in real life will find me.

I love my job and never ever want to put myself in jeopardy. Anyway it's more or less public now, so I feel like it's okay to talk about it. A little...

The company I work out has many divisions. TV, Books, clothing company, websites, and advertising and marketing. I work under the advertising part. Last year the whole company was bought by a HUGE company. Nothing changed from day to day. Not even our name.

We found out a while ago that this new company thought that my department wasn't very important. We didn't make enough money to make a blip on their radar. They only wanted the big big money makers. So our head VP started looking around for potential buyers. It was pretty stressful for them. You could totally tell. Their entire demeanor changed and things were so tense at work. Everyone was nervous and walking on eggshells. We didn't want to lose our jobs. We LOVE this place.

Luckily we did find someone to buy us!! The great thing is almost everyone got to keep their jobs and nothing is really changing day to day wise. We are getting a new name and logo, and it will be announced publicly in the next few weeks.

Since it's happened it's like everyone took a huge sigh of relief. The atmosphere has been totally different and everyone is much more happier! The only con that has happen is my insurance went up. We went from a company of about 800 employees to only now 150. So my copay and deductible rose. As did the monthly amount taken out of my check. Thankfully it isn't too bad though. They really did their best to give us the same benefits we had without costing an arm and a leg.

I was initially really worried about my position. Now though things are turning around and it looks like in the upcoming months there will be new and exciting opportunities for me. I hope I can show them my worth and that I can do a great job if I get more responsibility. Fingers crossed!!

Changes are a coming

A lot has been going on this week. Especially with work. I can't really go into right now, but it has been pretty stressful.

Hopefully next week I can talk a little more openly about it.

It feels like Friday to me, because this week has been so long. I hate that it's only Thursday and I still have to wait another whole day til the weekend! I just need to relax and decompress.

This weekend is going to be fun though. I am going to see Bridesmaids this Friday. It look so funny, I can't wait! Then on Saturday I'm going out for a friends birthday. We are starting at this bar that's right on the beach, which will be nice. Hopefully it won't rain. Either way it'll be great to be sitting by the ocean.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Eff you Blizzard!!!

So my week has been pretty awful so far. We got a ton of snow on Sunday and at first it was great. Nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching the snow fall.

But then, it didn't stop! It seemed so much worse than that horrible blizzard that happened last year in December, when my brother's wedding got all messed up. Thankfully my office was closed on Monday, so I didn't have to worry about going in.

However Tuesday came and my street still wasn't plowed. I had no idea where my lawn ended and the street even began. I felt like I was in the movie, The Day after Tomorrow. lol. And with my luck, of course my office was back in business and open. I was freaking out because there was no way I would be able to get in and I didn't have any days left to take off! Plus being stuck in your house for 3 days straight can make a person go crazy.

There was nothing on TV, so I read and read. I finished 2 and a half books while being snowed in. And spent a lot of time online, reading gossip pages and blogs. I just can't believe that my street wasn't plowed! I mean it's totally insane that it took them so long to get to me. My street was finally plowed at 3:30am this morning!!!! I mean what if there was an emergency and I needed to get out??? With my anxiety I was really starting to get worries last night.

When I saw my street was plowed this morning I almost cried. lol. My mom convinced the people who plow our driveway to come asap and I was able to get to work only a few minutes late!!!

What drives me crazy, is driving to work was fine. Not a speck of snow on the roads. So how if the main roads are fine, it took 3 days for people to plow my street??? I think because I live on a dead end, I'm usually the last to get plowed out. Also I know with all the budget cuts that they didn't have as much as they would to move faster. So eff you township for taking so long and eff you blizzard!

Did you get hit with snow? How did you make out??

I'm just happy it's Wednesday and I'm off for New Years on Friday. Hopefully things will get better. Plus, I was able to work something out with my boss about missing yesterday! Whoo hoo for awesome bosses!!!

ugh

Foot pain wise. Today is not a good day. I'm in a lot of pain. Maybe it's the rainy weather or what, but I just want to go home, prop up my foot and watch some movies. Alas I'm stuck in work allllll day.

Oddly, I am really missing the gym. With my foot, gym has been off limits all week and I miss it!! Me!! I would have never ever thought that was possible. I miss getting beat up working out and just feeling great when I get home.

I really felt like I was on the right track to get healthy, but with this operation I feel like I'm back at the beginning. Since I can't work out, I've been trying to get my eating in order and I've been a major fail. Even with eating all the right foods I keep going over in calories! It's driving me crazy!!!

I know it's going to take a long time to change my eating habits, but I wish I would be able to make some progress. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I would love it if I could lose like 10 pounds before then. Just 10 pounds! At least then I know I was moving in the right direction.

Ugh. Today is just a sucky day. I'm just frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Week 3

This is my third week at work. I can't believe how fast time is going by! I am so much happier lately it's crazy. The job itself is good, a lower stress level than before which is awesome. I can really see myself being here for a while. A nice change from before, when I couldn't wait to get out of there. I already feel like I'm making good work friends, when at my last job I never really felt that. It took forever to really get to know some people and talk to them about things other than work. I think the big difference is here there is a cafeteria where we eat lunch. Everyone sits together and just talks. Before I always ate at my desk, which makes social interaction very limiting.

Don't get me wrong, the first week I was super awkward. Especially about lunch, it felt like high school. Not knowing where to sit. Even though I felt weird and nervous, I just sat down with a group and they were all really nice. That's the other thing. I feel more outgoing than usual. Before I would be way too nervous and would probably just eat at my desk. I am proud of myself for dealing with my nerves and just going for it.

It's weird being like this. I'm actively trying to change myself. I used to be so stagnant and afraid of change that I wouldn't even try. I mean I used to be afraid of not just failing, but succeeding. Any kind of change to me was/is really scary.

But I'm growing and I'm seeing that you have to change. Whether you like it or now, change will happen. So why now try to work it to your own advantage? That's what I'm slowly starting to do.

I even signed up to work with a personal trainer today. My best friend's brother owns a personal training business and he gave me a great deal to work out there. I've been wanting to get healthy forever but I knew just joining a gym wasn't going to do it. I need someone to push me. I'm a pretty lazy person, even when I'm working out I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I'm doing the bare minimum. Hopefully this will help!

I'm nervous about working out though. I'm really really out of shape, so I'm scared they are going to kill me. Then there is all my knee and foot problems. I'm afraid they will limit me and hold me back. Also it's my friend's brother, who I've known forever. It's a little awkward for me to work out with him. I'm afraid he'll judge me. I almost rather a stranger be working me out, but I can't really pass up this deal and opportunity.

Keep your fingers crossed for me today!!

My big news

I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m seriously can’t believe that this happened. I wasn’t even looking for a new job.

Let me start from the beginning.

A few weeks ago my office found out that we were going to have a training day in our NJ office. It was going to be an all day thing, which happened last week. The day before, one of the VPs called me into her office. Which made me freak out since I thought I was in major trouble for something. Also she asked my manager to come too, which made me even more nervous.

As soon as I walked in though, she told about this position that just opened up in the NJ office that she thought I would be perfect for!! She told me that she knew my commute was horrible and the cost was a killer, so when this job opened up she immediately thought of me! How awesome is that?? That my VP recommended me for a job!!! Since we were already going to be in NJ the next day, she told me to come in a little earlier for an interview!

I honestly can’t even tell you how I felt. At how fast this happened and how amazing it would be for me to get the position. It was unreal. She told me I didn’t have to dress up, since I was going to be doing this training/team building thing afterwards. The next day, bright and early, I met with the two people to interview me and it was great! Seriously, the guy looked at the resume and said, “so on here it shows that you do everything that we would need you to do”!! There were very few questions, and a lot of explanation of what I would be doing there. It was the best interview ever. I knew I rocked it when it ended.

Then it was on to the training day. While we were all eating breakfast there was a slide show of all the things we had to go over that day. But then the last slide came up and said that it was really employee appreciation day and that we were all going to Dave and Busters for the day!!!!!!!! Talk about the best surprise ever!!!

We all boarded a bus and headed to Dave and Busters in Philly. It was all you can drink, free lunch, and we got a card with like 300 points to play the games. It was one of the best days. The day was so much fun and just flew by!!! We got back to the NJ office around 5 and I was home before 6! When we got back one of the people who interviewed me told me that things looked promising for me! I was on cloud 9!!

I was officially offered the position yesterday and haven’t been able to stop smiling. My life is going to change so much its crazy!! While I am nervous about starting a new position, one that has more responsibility, I just know this is the best thing for me right now!

Thursday Thoughts

- Yesterday was a snow day for me. We got like 14 inches of snow! At first I felt really bad for calling out of work, because it wasn't snowing THAT badly. But then 2 pm hit and the snow was so heavy and it just didn't let up. So I'm happy I didn't get stuck in that.

- This morning, my street still hadn't been plowed yet so I had to get my mom to drive me to the train station. Shockingly, the trains were running on time!

- I really hope we don't get any more snow this year!

- Even though I had off yesterday, I am also taking tomorrow off to go to some much needed Dr's appointments. Because of this, I'm really messed up with my days. I keep on thinking it's Monday because I was off yesterday, and then realize it's actually a Friday for me!

- Monday my office is closed for President's day so I get a four day weekend! Whoo hoo!

- Is anybody else excited to see the movie Valentine's Day? I know a lot of people are against it because it's over hyped and there are a million famous people in it, but I still think it looks cute. I hope to check it out this weekend.

- In sad news, Alexander McQueen committed suicide. He was an amazing fashion designer. No matter how bad your life may seem, suicide is NEVER the answer.

Bad Day

So it's only 1pm here and today has been such a shitty day.

Its like every. single. person I am dealing with today is giving me attitude and/or just being plain mean to me.

One person even yelled at me. I mean screaming so loud that I had to move the phone away from my ear. Talk about being unprofessional.

The thing is, I'm trying to be sooo nice to them, and doing everything in my power to make the situations right. They are just not happy with any of my solutions.

Also what they don't realize is it's not me who is doing this; I'm just the messenger. Part of my job is dealing with difficult people so the higher ups don't have to.

I get that, but the same time once in a while I would like a little courtesy from the people I have to deal with. Or some recognition for the crap I have to take.

Maybe I’m just PMSing but I really can’t take anymore of people’s nastiness. Especially when the problem is NOT my fault. You effed up and I’m just trying to fix it. Work with me here!

Bullet points

This week at work I am covering for two people who are out. Needless to say I've been insanely busy! I've barely had time to read other people's blogs and I really missed not being able to post like I wanted to this week.

Anyway here are some updates about me

• I fell in Penn Station when I was going home from work!!! Not only was it mortifying but also I really hurt my knee. I fell right down on them and now my right knee is twice the size of the other and I'm in a lot of pain. It's been a few days now and I'm really worried that something might be wrong. If I don't feel better by next week, I'm going to have to make a Dr's appointment. I am so bummed about this. I've been crying non-stop. With all of my past knee problems, I finally got to a point where I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with this stuff anymore and here I am back at square one.

• This no online shopping thing is really hard!! Especially when stores like Barnes and Noble send me coupons for 30 percent off!! They must know that I'm not shopping this month and are doing it to tease me!

• This past weekend was a complete fail with me cleaning out my room. I didn't touch it! It was just one of those weekends when you blink your eyes and it's already Sunday night! I'm going to try and attempt this again this weekend.

Passing the time

When work is slow and I’ve checked my e-mail about 50 times I have to get creative in ways to pass the time. My new favorite is looking for an apartment on Craigslist.

Looking for an apartment is entertaining and horrifying all at the same time. Seriously some of these people are CRAZY.

Some of them are crazy but in a normalish way. Like if they have a huge list of things you have to be and do if you want to live there. IE, non-smoker, neat freak, spilt chores, etc.

Others, are just plain scary.

One man was a nudist who wanted to live with a fellow nudist. You would SHARE a bedroom with him (??) but nothing sexual would happen if you didn’t want it to. Dude, you are sharing a bed, obviously you want to do something with them. Then he stated that if you were to walk in on him pleasuring himself in the kitchen (why there?) he wouldn’t mind if you watched and/or joined in. WTF. Does that not sound like a crazy psycho or what?

I wonder if anyone actually replies to ads like that? Anyway it is amusing and passes the time.

The only downside is sometimes I read a listing and it sounds PERFECT for me to live there. The person sounds normal maybe even fun, the rent is reasonable and the pictures are gorgeous. Then I get upset because I’m not ready to move out yet.

I really want a new job before I move out.

Although the more I look at these listings the more I think that maybe come October/November if I don’t have a new job to just take the plunge and move out.

I’m not going to plan ahead that far. I’m just going to take things one step at a time and hopefully everything will work itself out!

Do you every browse Craiglist or any other type of website? What kind of crazies have you run into?

Pounding the pavement

So I’ve been crunching the numbers (yes I’m a geek) and unless I get a job that pays more money I can’t really move out. I mean I could but I would literally be living paycheck to paycheck (even with the savings I have) and I just don’t want to do that. I’m still looking ahead and I don’t want to eat through all my savings so when the time comes to say buy a house or get married I will be shit out of luck. Which means come September, no one seems to hire in the summer, I will be kicking my job search into drive again.

I still don’t know what I want to end up doing as a career yet but I’m not going to let that stop me from trying something new. I’m going to be as open as possible when searching. I’m going to look into the field I’m in but I’m going to expand it also. I need to get clever with my cover letters, which to me are torture to write, and sell myself.

Last time I tried this, I was receiving no responses and I got discouraged real quickly. I need to not let that happen again. I need to get thicker skin and not take it personally when I get rejected.

I feel as though a fire has been light under my ass. I’m tired of where my life is at the moment and I need to be proactive about changing it. I’m turning 25 on Sunday and it’s time for me to grow and become my own person. I know it won’t happen overnight, but I also know it won’t happen if I continue living the same way I am right now.

I feel it in my bones that changes are coming and while I’m a little scared, I’m also beyond excited at what will happen next!

Any tips on applying for jobs and making yourself stand out?? That’s what I think is most important in getting your foot in the door.

Finding myself

One month from today I will be 25. For a while now I’m been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Now that I am about to officially hit the mark, I am really freaking out.

Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am now at this age. When I was younger I was so SURE that by this time I would have a fabulous career, a million friends, living on my own, and with the most perfect boyfriend.

I have none of those things.

Sure I have a job, but as I’ve mentioned in the past. I HATE it.

Sure I have friends, but they are spread about all over the place. There are only a few that I live near and can see on a regular basis. The rest require planning months in advance.

I still live at home, but that’s mostly my doing because I’m saving up my money so I can afford things like food when I finally do move.

No boyfriend. Not even a fling around.

All in all, my life is pretty pathetic at the moment.

Even though I wish my life were how I imagined it so many years ago, what I wish for more is to just be content with who I am right now. Why can’t I just be happy?

Why can’t I say to myself yes you don’t like your job but at least you have a job and that’s more important. Even though you dislike it, you are great at what you do. You receive little to no complaints about your performance and that should tell me something about the person I am.

Why can’t I see that I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy? That instead of obsessing over not having a loved one, I should be focusing on making ME happy. That in order for me to ever have a success relationship I have to work on myself first.

Most of all, I want to be content with my body. Inside and out. I have the worst self-esteem and I feel that that is the reason why I am where I am right now. I don’t have a good career because I don’t go after one. I’m afraid I’ll fail and that I don’t deserve the job. I’m afraid if I do move out of my house, nothing will change and I will still be miserable. I don’t attempt to make new friends because I don’t think anyone will like me. Same goes with guys.

I have posted two pictures of myself on here before. It took forever to find a photo that didn’t show my whole body and was kinda flattering. I actually deep down think that if I were to show the real me, you wouldn’t like me anymore and the few readers I have would stop altogether. That’s how bad my self-esteem is.

If a guy even shows a little interest in me, I freeze. The first thought in my head is he must be drunk to be talking to me. He could find someone much better looking than me. Just this past weekend I was at a bar and a guy came up to dance with me. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying it, I just kept thinking those things. Because of my weight I feel like no man will ever truly be interested in me.

I know that isn’t true, but every time a guy approaches me I get that little voice in my head that says that. I basically use my weight as a defensive mechanism. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s not because of me its because of my weight.

Instead of being proactive and doing something about it. I don’t. Why? I’m scared.

I’m scared I won’t be happy.

I’m scared people will hurt me.

I wish I could put it into better words, but that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m in this weird Catch 22 with myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.

That’s what I want for my birthday. To be happy with who I am. To finally stop being afraid and to just go for it. Whatever IT may be.

Officially the start of summer

Memorial Day weekend was so much fun! I really hope it’s foreshadowing to how the whole summer will be.

The weather was amazing, I went to a couple of BBQs, and went out a few times to places that had just the right amount of people. Crowded but not so bad that you want to leave and just everyone having a good time. Best of all I got to catch up on some much needed sleep. One morning I actually slept til 10:30 in the morning and that never happens anymore!

It was a much needed three day weekend. Also it’s already Wednesday and we’re almost to the weekend again! I love that. Yesterday was crazy busy at work, it was like I blinked my eyes and it was time to go home. Which I was happy about, there is nothing worse then sitting at work and the day just won’t end.

Today my dog is getting neutered. He was at first really mad at me for not feeding him. He was freaking out, running around the house and even jumping up to the kitchen table to look for food. Then when I dropped him at the Vet he was shaking and holding on to me. I just wanted to turn around and take him home. He looked so sad. I know it’s necessary and he will be fine in a few days.