Spring into Summer 5K

I think I may have lost it. I officially registered to do a 5k in two months!! EEEKK!!! At the gym I go to, they sign up to do a 5K together each year as a group. A lot of people do it and it's apparently a fun time. For months now I've been wanting to get better at running. I really suck at it. It took a while, but at best I can run for 3 minutes without stopping. And it literally took me months and months to get to this point. I'm hoping by the time the 5k comes along I will be able to run for a longer period of time. I know I won't be able to run the whole thing, my goal is to finish in under 40 minutes. Something that I really think I can accomplish if I train really hard for the next 2 months. There are two women at the gym, who offered to stay with me the whole time. It really means a lot to me that they are willing to do this. Having someone encourage and push me is definitely going to help me finish the race. Even though I'm nervous and scared about this race, I'm also really excited and proud that I actually signed up for it!

Happy Anniversary!!

This Sunday, the 27th, will mark 3 years since I started this blog.

3 YEARS!!!!!

I can't believe I've been blogging for so long. I never thought I would keep up with it the way I have. I am so so happy to be able to have this outlet for my life. It's really helped me worked through some issues, and deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way.

Plus I've meet some awesome bloggers along the way. I really hope one day I can meet some of them in person. For now though I'll enjoy the blogger relationships online. I am so grateful to get the comments I get and advice when I have questions. I kinda suck as a commenter myself on other people's blogs but I'm trying to get better!! Sometimes I just feel like I have nothing good to say so I'll just won't write anything. Also I can be a bit shy!

I noticed that I have over 25 people who subscribe to my blog. I only get a handful a comments on each post and would love to know the others who are reading this blog! If I don't know who you are, I can't return the favor and read your blogs!!

So Happy Anniversary blog!! I hope we share many more years to come!!

Car Trouble

Last week my tire pressure light went on. This was the 3rd time it has happened in a few months and I was getting really tired of it. On Saturday, I went to fill up my tires. However this time after I filled them up, the light stayed on. Which meant I had to go and have someone look at them.

As I was driving to the auto shop, one of my tires literally shredded to pieces. It just disintegrated. I was driving on the hubcap. It was so scary!! I was able to pull into a parking lot pretty fast thankfully, but the sight was terrible. I was close to home and my brother was able to put the spare tire on it. It took a while to get the tire off and by the time I was back on the road, the place was closed. I had to wait until the morning.

Bright and early I went there. I was there maybe 10 minutes after they opened. Luckily they weren't busy and my car went straight in. Unfortunately, I found out that I needed all 4 tires replaced and my alignment was all messed up. I also found out that in a few months I'll need new brakes too. Goody. Ugh I was so mad.

I had to pay a few hundred dollars and I was not anticipating having to spend so much money this weekend. My bank account is in shock right now I think. Plus, even though they took my car in right away, it still took over 2 hours to get everything fixed!! My whole morning was wasted.

Now thankfully I shouldn't have anymore problems with my tires and I won't have to worry about getting stuck in the middle of nowhere when I go to work. Still it always seems like when one thing breaks, everything else falls apart. Just annoying.

When I got home, my mom had made mashed potatoes of me. I literally ate the whole thing. Not in one sitting (which doesn't make it any better). But I ate them for lunch, snack and dinner. lol. Not the best idea when I'm trying to lose weight. However it totally helped my mood, so all in all worth it. I'll just have to be careful the rest of the week with what I eat.

I fit in that???????

I did a little shopping this weekend. I was in desperate need of short sleeve tops. All mine from last year were way too big now. (YAY!)

I went to Kohls (had a 30% off coupon), and for the first time in over 5 years I was able to shop in the misses section. It was a surreal experience. I still had to get XL tops, but the fact that I didn't need to head to the plus size section felt incredible.

Although I was really nervous I was getting to far ahead of myself. I would look at all the tops in my hand and think to myself, there is NO WAY they will fit me. They all looked so tiny!! I still see myself as 60 pounds heavier. When I look in pictures I see that I'm smaller, but looking in the mirror is a different story still. I keep on waiting for the day when I look and see that I'm back where I started. Even though I know in my head I can't gain 60 pounds in a day, I guess I still can't believe I've gotten this far.

Being able to try on top after top and have them all fit was amazing. It really helped me realize that I"m not the old me anymore. I even bought a size Large dress!!! It's just a little too tight, but in a month I think I'll be able to wear it. Which is just CRAZY to me. I really thought there was no way the Large would even fit over my head honestly. I couldn't believe I was able to put it on no problems. Just a little tightness around my stomach area.

I even got some workout pants that were larges. They were a little tight but fit pretty well for the most part. Just a few more pounds down and they'll be great! Basically I felt amazing this weekend. Being able to buy those clothes in the misses section was just unreal to me. I loved it! I can't wait until I'm fully out of the plus size stores and can go to the mall no problem!!

_______ wants to be friends on Facebook

I love Facebook. It's a great way to keep in touch with people, see pictures and remember birthdays. Lately though I've been getting friends requests from people that I don't feel totally comfortable about accepting. I'm not sure if I want them getting this kind of glimpse into my life.

When my parents split up, my dad's family basically cut off all communication toward us. With the exception of a few people and instances, I haven't spoken with most of them in over 14 years. And that was not my choice. I'm not sure if they felt they had to show my dad loyalty or what, but it was basically like we no longer existed to them. I guess I can understand them not wanting to speak or see my mom anymore, but my brothers and I shouldn't have been included in that freeze.

In the past few years with the huge growth in facebook (remember when you had to be in college to join??) I've gotten friend requests from that side of the family. Mostly cousins at first. Which I had no problem with. Lately though Aunts and Uncles have been sending a friend request. That's were things get awkward. These are people I haven't really spoken to since I was a teenager. Why all of a sudden do they want to reach out to me?

Now I really have no problems with any of them. I can see why they cut themselves off like that. It was a nasty divorce, and my brothers and I do not have a relationship with my dad. That makes it really awkward for them to reach out to us. And normally I wouldn't mind accepting these requests, but some of these people act like spies sometimes and report back to my dad everything they learn about us.

It's creepy and uncomfortable. There is a reason I don't talk to my dad, and I hate that they try to find out whatever they can to report back to him. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't really know how to go about telling these people for them to respect me and not do that. They are his family. Plus it's facebook, so it's not a face to face conversation. It's just weird.

I've accepted these requests because I don't want to look like a bitch. (I seriously have issues sometimes) However if I ever get really uncomfortable I'll be unfriending them. I'm just not ready for my dad to know that much about my life.

Also on that note, I still haven't sent that letter to my dad yet. I'm not sure I really want to reach out again like that. I was so hurt the last time I did. I really keep on going back and forth. So for now it'll stay in my drafts folder until I'm 100% sure either way.

ABCs

Here's the ABC meme that's been going around!

Age: 26

Bed size: Full. Can't fit anything bigger in my room.

Chore you hate: I guess making my bed. It's not that I hate it, I just never do it. I don't see the point when I'll just be back in it sleeping again.

Dogs: I have two dogs. I LOVE them. They are part of my family.

Essential start your day item: Breakfast. Usually a blueberry and spinach smoothie!! Seriously yummy!! You don't taste the spinach at all!

Favorite color: Purple

Gold or silver: Gold. I love white gold the most, but I also have a bunch of yellow too.

Height: 5'6

Instruments you play: None. I once tried to learn guitar but I was awful and I hated it! lol

Job title: Program Coordinator.

Kids: none

Live: New Jersey, at home still with my mom.

Mom's name: Linda

Nicknames: Carr (not CAR but more like Cahr) usually. One or two people sometimes call me Carrie.

Overnight hospital stays: When I had my appendix taken out (two nights then) and when I had major knee surgery I had to spend the night.

Pet Peeve(s): I have soo many. One of them: it drives me crazy when people don't use their blinker when driving.

Quote from a movie: This will be random, but I was just watching Uncle Buck. "Here's a quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face." Love that movie!! lol

Right or Lefty: Righty, but I do drive with my left hand.

Siblings: Three older brothers. One is a half brother who I haven't seen or spoken to in years. He's had a lot of problems in the past and disappeared from my life when my parents split up.

Time you wake up: 7am during the week. Around 8:30 usually on the weekends

Underwear: Always.

Vegetables you don't like: Unfortunately I'm a really picky eater. I've been trying to get better but there are a ton of veggies I hate. Like green beans. BLEH!!

What makes you run late: Nothing. I'm the person who shows up 15 minutes early. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was late to something.

X-Rays you've had: Way too many to count.

Yummy food you make: I can make ravioli and gnocchi from scratch.

Zoo Animal Favorite: Tough call. I'd say either the elephants or penguins!! Or if I was at Sea World, Dolphins all the way!!! Love Love Love dolphins!

What would you do? (need advice!!!!)

There have been some things on my mind lately and I just don't really know how to proceed.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but just in case, let me start by saying that I don't have a relationship with my dad. Basically he's a pretty crappy father and I had to cut him out of my life because I was sad all the time. When you have a relationship with anyone, I think that if you are upset 99% of the time, that maybe it's time to let it go. Even if it's someone like your dad.

That's what I did about 4 years ago. Maybe a little longer actually. Anyway, it was like instant. As soon as I stopped talking to him, I felt lighter and happier than I did in years. It was definitely the best decision for me. I know some people reading this might think I'm a bad person for not talking to my dad, but please understand that every situation is different. I am not the type of person who can keep on contact with a person who makes me sad all the time, just because it's the right thing to do.

Anyway at my gym, I keep on meeting people who either know my dad, or a family member on that side of the family. Naturally meeting all these people, made me start thinking about my dad again. I guess I feel guilty for shutting him out of my life. Plus, I hate the fact that he blames my mother for the fact that neither my brothers or I speak to him. Even though it's not her fault at ALL. She was the one person that always tried to get me to talk to him, and he's always blaming her for everything. It's insane.

While I don't want to start up a relationship with my Dad again, I also don't want to leave things how they are now. I feel bad that he doesn't know anything about my life. Also down the line if I ever get married or what not I don't want him to feel out of the loop. But I also don't want him to be involved either. I'm seriously torn.

I wrote up a letter that is sitting in my drafts to him. I'm not sure if I should send it or not. Basically in it, I try to explain a little better why I cut off communication. At the end I also offer to send him sporadic updates on my life if he would like me to do so. If not than that would be okay too.

I'm afraid it's opening up a big can of worms though. I'm afraid he'll read it the wrong way and think I'm blaming him for something (which I'm not, but he likes to twist my words around a lot). I'm also afraid he'll think that my mom is some way involved in it and will harass her (which he has in the past).

I just want to not have any regrets. He's my father, and even though I don't like him, I will always love him. He's my dad. I don't want the day to come when he passes away and me be filled with regret. But I also don't want to go back to that place when I was depressed and sad all the time either.

So should I send the letter or not?