New Direction?

I've been finding it hard to blog lately. I'm not giving up on it yet, but I feel like I never really have anything good to say. My life is in a wonderful place right now. When I first started this blog I was miserable and I used this space as a place to vent and work through my feelings. Now everything is peachy.

Hmmmmm, Maybe I need to change the name of my blog. That actually might help me. I need to find a new direction for this space. Should it be more about my weight loss and fitness? Stay the way it is now? Or something totally different? Well that will have to go on the back burner for a little while.

The next few months I am a busy busy lady. Almost every single weekend from now until the end of June I have stuff going on. Lots of travelling and wedding related stuff for my friend. Throw is some upcoming races for the weekends in between and my head starts to spin a little.

I wish it wasn't so busy though. I have been wanting to give online dating a try again, but my weekends are so full I wouldn't be able to actually go on any dates in the near future. Not that I think I'll be flooded with offers anyway. The last time was a total bust for me. But it's something I'm willing to give another shot at anyway. I'm in a better place now than I was the last time I was on there.

My gym challenge is finally over. The last week of it was so stressful but it's done. We will find out which team won this Saturday at the party. I really hope it's us. We were on a roll for a while points wise, but final weigh ins and the last challenge will probably be the deciding factor. Either way Saturday is going to be a blast! I can't wait.

The spring cleaning last weekend was also a success. I got rid of 3 black garbage bags of clothes. Half my closet is now empty waiting for me to fill it. I did some shopping last weekend and got some awesome stuff. This Sunday a few friends from work and I are going to go to the outlets.

Any suggestions on where I should take this blog would be much appreciated!

Happy Anniversary!!

This Sunday, the 27th, will mark 3 years since I started this blog.

3 YEARS!!!!!

I can't believe I've been blogging for so long. I never thought I would keep up with it the way I have. I am so so happy to be able to have this outlet for my life. It's really helped me worked through some issues, and deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way.

Plus I've meet some awesome bloggers along the way. I really hope one day I can meet some of them in person. For now though I'll enjoy the blogger relationships online. I am so grateful to get the comments I get and advice when I have questions. I kinda suck as a commenter myself on other people's blogs but I'm trying to get better!! Sometimes I just feel like I have nothing good to say so I'll just won't write anything. Also I can be a bit shy!

I noticed that I have over 25 people who subscribe to my blog. I only get a handful a comments on each post and would love to know the others who are reading this blog! If I don't know who you are, I can't return the favor and read your blogs!!

So Happy Anniversary blog!! I hope we share many more years to come!!

.....

For some reason, I haven't had anything that I felt like blogging about. I'm not sure if it's because I've been more content lately or that my life is moving forward in a good direction, but I'm at a loss for words. Which is why my blogging has been sporadic at best.

I find it strange, now that I'm kinda happy, I've lost the ability to blog. I am not giving up that easily, I just need to push myself to write more. Maybe I'll stop being so selfish and write about other events going on in the world. lol. But is that what you want to read?

So I was wondering if you guys could help me out. Why do you blog? Do you usually talk about yourself or current events? How do you push past having nothing to say?

Oh also, if you have any questions for me please ask!!!! Hopefully that willl snap me out of this funk!

If your a lurker, take this opportunity to delurk yourself!

Happy Anniversary!

I completely missed my blog’s two year anniversary!!! I can’t believe it. As of March 27th I have been blogging for two years!!!!! I never in a million years thought I would keep up with this for so long.

I would always try to write into diaries but I never kept up with them. I think the biggest difference here is that I know people are reading this so it boosts my motivation to keep going. I defiantly feel part of a community and I hope to continue this for many more years to come.

Last year I tried to think of something fun to celebrate but this year I can’t think of anything. So if any of you have a meme or questions to ask me please do!!! Any lurkers please come out and say HI!

Eh

I'm suffering from crazy writers (bloggers) block right now. I defiantly have some stuff I want to say but for some reason I'm not. I'm getting antsy in my life right now and I'm not really sure why I'm getting so panicky. I have this weird nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't just seem to get rid of. Which is strange because everything's been kinda good right now. Nothing happening to mess up the Status Quo of things. Hopefully tomorrow I will be out of this funk. (BTW I defiantly just wrote F**K instead of funk; could that be a sign?)

In other news I just realized that I'm THISCLOSE to reaching my 200th post!!!!

Any suggestions on how to celebrate this milestone??

Answers

First I was slightly disappointed that not more people asked me questions, but no worries!! I know that more people then usual read the post so I will take what I can get!! Now for the 2 that asked me questions here are the answers!

Miss Musing asked, “Do you spend any time in NYC? If so, what's your favorite restaurant, bar, museum, etc?”

Unfortunately because of my work hours and my commute I don’t get to go out in the city as much as I would like. However recently I went to a place called Porkys. If you are looking for a through back to your college days and miss being able to play beer pong all the time then this is the place for you! I had a blast when I went.

For great pizza check out Waldy’s. The oven is wood burning and the pizza is amazing. Thin and crispy and they have a tons of different toppings that you can choose from. Great place for lunch!

Erin asked, “As a fellow Jersey girl, what is your favorite thing about living here?”

This question was really hard because I love being a Jersey girl. What’s better then being only a short drive to NYC, Philadelphia and Atlantic City?? Or the fact that we have the best pizza and bagels anywhere, sorry but Domino’s doesn’t count as real pizza. Also I love how many famous people love to call Jersey their home! A few even close to my town.

My favorite thing about living here is being so close to the beach. Not many people can say that they live only 20 minutes for a beach. I am a beach girl and I wouldn’t know what I would do if I didn’t live near the water.

Hope you liked my answers!

Reminder!

Friday was a special day and I'm asking all of you to delurk and ask me some questions!!!!

Happy Blogiversary!!

Today is my Blogiversary!! One year ago today I started writing this blog. I cannot believe I’ve actually kept up with writing posts on a regular basis. Now that I’ve been doing this for so long, I can’t picture not doing it. It’s become part of my life and I love that I have a little space that’s all about me. In real life I rarely make anything about me, so I’m happy I can be a little selfish here.
Now since it’s a special day I’m here to beg you to delurk!! I know I have more readers here then people who comment, so please say hi!! Also feel free to ask me anything you want! I will be sure to answer ALL of them. If you have more then one question then ask away! Now I know that Friday’s is the place that blogs go to die, so I will ask again on Monday for questions!

Also I decided to tell you a few things that you may not know about me!!

Enjoy!

1. I mentioned this yesterday, but I was once arrested. It was for aiding and abetting. A friend of mine tried to use a fake ID at a bar around here. She got busted and was arrested. I went over to try and help out and got arrested for aiding and abetting. Not cool police. Even though I was arrested that night was actually a lot of fun. We were scared but the cops kept on hitting on us and I remember all of us singing along to our ring tones. After our court dates I ended up with only a very pricey ticket. Which was good.


2. To this day though I still don’t’ know if I technically arrested or not. When it was happening they said no. I must have asked them a thousand times if I was being arrested and each time they said no. Then at court they said I was. Which one was it people?


3. I’m a very emotional person. Just watching a sad commercial can make me tear up. I cry when I’m happy, sad, angry and sometimes when I’m just exhausted. Even though I’m emotional, I have a very hard time actually expressing my emotions to others. Which doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.


4. I have gone out with THREE guys named Jason. I don’t know what it is but it seems to be my lucky name. My first kiss was a guy names Jason, the guy right after him was named Jason, and the first guy I dated in college was named Jason!


5. I love listening to the oldies!! I blame it on my mom because it’s the only I ever listened to when I was younger. Out of all my friends I’m probably the only person who can sing along to Motown without missing a beat! Also I love watching old movies and TV shows. Singing in the Rain and I Love Lucy are defiant all-time favorites of mine. People always tell me I was born in the wrong decade.


6. Speaking of music. I don’t listen to only one genre. I don’t believe in limiting myself. I listen to everything from Alternative to R&B to Oldies. Same goes with movies. I love seeing all different types of films. My family hates all the movies I get with my Netflix. I told them to get their own subscription.
   

I hope you enjoyed that little glimpse into my life and please ask me some questions!!

Pet Peeves

Do you know what I hate? When people try to write a post in the style of Carrie Bradshaw. WTF people? She’s not even real!!!! If you are going to try and emulate someone, why not choose a REAL writer.

Don’t get me wrong; I love Sex & the City as much as the next person but I’m sick of reading post after post of people who try and write/ponder like the character. Just get real with me people. I don’t care if you are a bad writer. I’m not reading to judge you’re writing, I’m reading because I like you. Stop with the façade.

Thankfully most people I read and comment on don’t do this, but there are a few that get under my skin and I’m very close to unsubscribing.

Also while on the topic of writing, do you know how people will write a post and then a type a word but there is a line through it and then type the “real” word next to it? For the life of me I cannot figure out how to put a scratch through a word. Can anyone tell me how to do this???

Where real life meets blog life

This year Blogher is going to be in Chicago. A city I’ve always wanted to visit. However there were a lot of issues that was preventing me from signing up to go. One was the cost. I wasn’t sure if I could swing paying for the flight, accommodations and the pass for the event. Two I feel like only serious bloggers go to this thing. Would I feel out of place with my little ol’ blog?

Finally no one in my real life knows I blog. What would I say to them? Hey I’m going to Chicago by myself randomly for 3 days. I would have to tell them about my blog and then I would get pestered about my blog and I would get paranoid about someone I know finding my little space on the web.

Either way there were a lot of factors, and by the time I decided that maybe I should go and expand my horizons only one day of the conference was left to purchase. I don’t think it would be worth it to go all that way for just one day of stuff.

Maybe next year it will be held someplace closer to me so I won’t feel so weird about going. Plus the cost would be much less. Also I wanted to maybe try and go to the 20 something blogger meet up but that’s on my birthday weekend so that’s a big no for this year.

I’m almost positive I will still be blogging next year and hopefully I won’t feel so awkward about going to these things!!

The Run Down

I still feel like I have nothing good to blog about lately, however I don’t want to stop blogging all together. I have to make myself write posts. It’s better for me when I write out whatever is going on in my life, however boring it may be.

Plus it drives me insane when a fellow blogger that I read just disappears. At the very least I think these people should give an FYI that they are abandoning their blog.

I decided to do a little update on my life in bullets.

• Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which for most people means drinking and having a good time. For me, it means having to deal with those drunks on the train to and from work. I can’t stand how rude people can be on the train to begin with, throw in some booze and they are unbearable. Take a later train and leave us commuters be!!
• I recently moved my desk at work and it is the opposite way of my old desk which is completely disorienting my. I’m slightly OCD when it comes to certain things and with my old desk I had a system in place that worked very well for me. Now with this new location everything is backwards and I’m having a hard time finding my rhythm. I know that may seem dumb but you’d be surprised just how much it throws you off.
• However I am loving my new location. Sitting near my team makes me feel like I belong again. Also I sit near my old work spouse and now have a person I can chat with on a daily basis.
• I am going to visit my friends from college in a few weeks. I can’t wait. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen them and it will be good to catch up and go out with them.
• My Aunt has very generously offered for me to stay in her condo in Florida for a week. She won’t be staying there this summer and thought it would be a waste if no one used it. That just warms my heart when people do such kind things like that. Plus, now I can defiantly go on vacation somewhere and will save a lot of money because I won’t have to pay to stay somewhere! Now I just need to figure out when I will be going.

Are you making any vacation plans yet? If so where are you going?

Blog Love!!

Thanks to Erin at and her heart it is in ireland for giving me a blog award!! I love Erin's blog a fellow Jersey girl currently living in Ireland. I love reading about her adventures in Ireland, it reminds me about when I studied abroad in London and all the traveling that I did! It also makes me super jealous that she actually gets to live and work where she studied abroad!

Here is the award:

Love YA Award!

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers."

Thanks again Erin!

MIA

Sorry that I have been MIA. I feel like the whole blog world has been MIA lately. It must be one of those things I guess. Work has been really busy, plus I couldn’t really think of anything to say on here. Even though this is my personal space on the internet to write whatever, I don’t want to constantly bore you with the mundane details of my life. I find myself wishing my life was more exciting, so I would have better stuff to blog about. Sadly, even though I am determined to make this year better then last, 2009 have been pretty boring.

Also I feel like January flew by! I cannot believe that it is already February. I’m glad though, because I am defiantly ready for warmer weather. Last night we got a bunch of snow and my commute home was no fun. I was THIS close to calling out of work today. I told myself that if my train was delayed I would just go back home and play hooky. Sadly, and very surprisingly, the trains were running on time. Oh well.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here and will post a real blog hopefully tomorrow!

Custom Made

First I just wanted to say that work has been interesting. I’m really busy right now but I don’t mind because the time is flying by and also because in one week I will officially be on vacation! Then my boss got a package from our sister office. There were 2 packages for me!! They were thank you/holiday presents from 2 of my co-workers. I was so surprised and really touched by the thought. It defiantly made my week!

Next Karen from Smiling Through it All had a fellow blogger interview her and she had to answer the questions honestly and post them. Sorta like a customized MEME. I really liked this idea so when Karen offered to do the same I jumped at the chance. Here are her questions and my responses. Enjoy!

1. What is your favorite Christmas movie or cartoon? Why?

That’s easy. It’s National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. It’s hysterical. Every year on Christmas Eve my family and I watch this. It’s one of the few traditions that we keep up with, so on top of it being funny; it also holds a special place in my heart because of that.

2. Are you doing anything to pursue the makeup artist dream job or have you decided to go in a different direction?

Yes actually. I have been applying like crazy for jobs in the cosmetic industry. Unfortunately because I don’t have enough experience yet and/or the economy sucks I haven’t really gotten any responses back. I would like to take another class or become an apprentice to someone but I just don’t have the time with my work hours.

However randomly, if I were to ever to say quit my job or do something drastic it would be to go back to school and study photography. Those are essentially my 2 dream jobs, and I constantly go back and forth between them.

3. Do you have a "type" that you look for in a significant other? What is that type?

I don’t know if I have a type per se. Sometimes I got for the guy that’s more masculine. You know the guy that has a constant 5 o’clock shadow, whose typical uniform is jeans and a t-shirt, loves sports and would rather die then talk about mushy stuff. Then other times I’m into the EMO guy who play guitar or piano and writes poetry. Total opposite. So I guess my dream guy would be a mesh of those two. Which I doubt is possible.

However no matter what type the guy is, they have to have a sense of humor! If a guy can’t make me laugh then forget about it.

4. What is weakness when it comes to shopping for yourself?

When shopping I have a HUGE weakness for bags. I have so many bags, clutches, wristlets, totes; you name it I’ve got it. Every time I go to a store I tend to drift to that section and always find a way to reason with myself as to why I NEED this one. I’ve gotten better at resisting but sometimes there’s one that I just can’t NOT buy.

5. Do have the desire to be a mother someday?

I can’t wait to become a mom one day! Of course I’m scared that I’ll screw the kid up, but I really look forward to becoming a mother. I love children. I used to babysit and even taught swim lessons for a while and even though it wasn’t easy at times, it never made me doubt my ability to become a mother. However I don’t want to have children until I’m in my 30s. I want to take my time. No rushing.

Sigh of Relief

I feel so much better. After that post yesterday I felt like I could let out a huge sigh. I have never told any of my friends in real like that before. It felt good to finally tell someone about how I feel. And thank you so much for your thoughtful words, it comforted me and made me okay with keeping that post up.

In other news, CC at Fork in the road gave me another award!! Thank you! I really appreciate this!

The award says: "This blog invests and believes in proximity" (meaning, that blogging makes us 'close'-being close through proxy). These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbon of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!

So I am giving this award right back to CC because we share a lot in common and here are the rest of my recipients. Defiantly check them out!

CC – Fork in the Road
Karen – Smiling through it all
Emily – No Matter how it starts
Ashley – Turquoise Ribbons
Alexandreena – A Toast to Shoes
Rachel – Three-Point-Five-Years

Enjoy!

My secret

Before I start let me preface this by saying that I’m not depressed this week. I wrote this post a while ago but I just haven’t had the guts to post it. I felt like today would be fitting. But there is no need to be worried about all these melancholy posts I’ve put up. Fun ones will soon resume.

Today is blog secret day and although I didn’t participate in it, I decided to post my own secret. Even though I guess you can’t really call it a secret if you know it is coming from me. Anyway here it is. I can’t trust people. I seem to always be waiting for the day for a person to let me down.

This started with my dad. I’ve mentioned him before but I wanted to give a little background in order to explain my problems with trust.

I tried to start a relationship about seven years after he left. I was tired of being angry and I just wanted to move on. So I started e-mailing him. I asked him a lot of questions. He never gave me a straight answer. Or he would twist my words around until they were the complete opposite of what I said. The best part? Was that he told me that he doesn’t trust his daughter and didn’t want to be manipulated by me. Me! The man who left my mother for another woman and then didn’t try to have a relationship with me, was scared that his 19 year old daughter was going to manipulate him.

Here is an excerpt from one of his e-mails to me. And yes I’ve kept them all

“Not to sound cold, because that is not how I feel, but as much as I love you, and I do. I am keenly aware that I don’t want to be manipulated by my daughter at this late date. Call me skeptical, because I am. After all Carolyn, it's been seven years of me missing you and for what? You have been scared of me? I guess this is a good time to say thank you for the fathers day card. Thanks, it was touching but it would have meant more if it was accompanied by a Philip Margolis book like the old days. I miss you giving me a book."

Let’s break that down shall we? First he actually says he doesn’t want to get manipulated by me, but conveniently forgets that he is the one who cut off communication in the beginning. Then, while he does thank me for a card I get him, he actually has the audacity to say that it would have meant more if there was a gift accompanied. What the hell. This was at the very beginning of the relationship. He was lucky to get a freakin card. Not to mention that throughout our whole relationship he accused me of being spoiled and that the only reason why I talked to him was to get money from him.

If that were the case I would have started talking to him a long time ago. Other then pay for part of my college education (he was supposed to pay for it all), I never received one dime from him. I never asked for one dime from him. Even when I was supposed to get more money for school, I just ended up taking student loans then have to fight with him for more money.

Anyway, I am getting off track. I could talk about the things he did for hours. I can’t trust people, especially the opposite sex because of my father. More then anything else, I hate him for this. I purposefully date men who I know things won’t work out with. If a guy does hit on me, I think that he must be making a mistake and/or there was no one better around. Worst of all? I use my weight as the number one defense mechanism. A guy doesn’t like me? Well it’s because of my weight not who I actually am. I hate that I do this and yet I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve been to therapy but this is one topic that I tended to avoid. It’s something I need to figure on my own. If I don’t figure it out on my own, I fear that I will never be able to truly trust a person. It saddens me that I’m 24 and have never been in a serious relationship that I have never truly loved a guy before. I am so scared of getting hurt that I prevent myself from getting those feelings. I know in time this will eventually happen, but I am scared that I won’t let it happen.

So here is my secret. I am afraid of falling in love.

Hodgepodge

After I revealed who I was, I kind of freaked out and had to fight every urge to not take it down. I am now finally okay with what I did. I am happy that now you can put a face to a blog.

However. The other day I changed my background of my blog and I ended up really liking it. Then when I changed my name on the side bar it would not stay on one line! What the hell? It said Caroly and the N was under the C. I tried everything I could think of to make it stay on one like but alas as I’ve mentioned before I am not tech savvy. I ended up changing my background again! And I don’t like this one nearly as much as the other. But what can I do? I don’t want people to think my name is Caroly and my last name is just the letter N.

The good thing about revealing my actual name is that I can tell you about something that happens to me on a daily basis. At my job, I have to talk to a lot of people on the phone. When is rings, I say, “Hello, this is Carolyn speaking.” I’m not really sure what is wrong with these people but about 40 percent of the time they answer back “Hello KAREN this is blah blah blah.” Karen? My name is not Karen this is CAROLYN.

It happens all the time. I don’t know why it is. It’s not like I’m mumbling or talking really fast. The girl who sits next to me can attest to that. It’s like they hear the first syllable I say and automatically think my name is Karen. It happens so often that I’ve stopped correcting most of them.

Even at the train station that I wait at every morning, there is one guy that thinks my name is Karen. Every morning, he says to me “Good morning Karen!” It’s been months. It’s too late now for me to correct him. So I just let him call me that. I fear for the day I see someone I know and they say my actual name. He will feel like a jackass. I feel like I’m Chandler on Friends where the guy at his work thinks his name is Toby. It’s just to embarrassing now to change it. What’s funny is that when I first met him he said my name correctly. Then somehow it morphed into Karen.

It gets very tiring after a while. I almost want to take an earlier train just to avoid it. And when I answer the phone? I try and say my name as slowly and carefully as possible. It still doesn’t work. I’m not I will ever be able to find a solution.

Switching topics, I wanted to let you know that my hair is darker and redder now then in the photo. And yes I do realize that I look much younger then 24 in the picture. I have somewhat of a baby face that people love to comment on. But I like that picture. With the holidays coming up I should get an updated photo of myself and I will post it.

Speaking of holidays, I can’t believe Thanksgiving is in less then 2 weeks!! I am so excited. It is by far my favorite holiday. Good food and great company gathered round. It’s great. We have it at our house every year and I love that. Our family is there for the day and at night family friends stop over to visit. Oh and the food. There is so much food. As if a 25-pound turkey wasn’t enough, my mom also makes a ham and since we are Italian we have to have a pasta course to begin with. It is ridiculous. I feel full after the appetizers.

This weekend I decided to get an early start and try to do some Christmas shopping. Wish me luck!!

What about you? Have you gotten a head start on holiday shopping??

100th!

This is my 100th post!! I cannot believe I kept up with this for so long. Usually when I start something like this, I get bored fast and end up forgetting about it. This is different. This is a place where I can really be me and that’s why I have kept up with it for as long as I have. Also, I really appreciate everyone who reads this and also I love every single comment I get. That’s another reason why I keep up with this. I defiantly feel like I have bloggy friends, even if we’ve never really talked before. I get a deep personal look into your lives and I feel close to you guys. But I’m start to sound creepy so I will move on.

Before I mentioned that to celebrate this milestone I would either A) say my real name or B) post a picture of myself. I went back and forth for a really long time and finally decided to do both!!!!

I can’t stand using a fake name anymore; it makes this blog feel foreign. Also, I figured that if anyone I know ever came across this blog they would know it was me in a second so it really shouldn’t matter if I post a picture. Plus, even though I am terrified of a person in my personal life finding this blog, at the same time it would probably be a blessing for them to really see the real me.

So without further hesitation my name is actually:

Carolyn! (pronounced CaroLYNNE not CaroLINE)

This is the only picture I could find of me by myself. This was taken over the summer when I was in Mexico.

Updates

I decided to change up my blog a little bit. The pink was just too overwhelming for me. I'm not crazy about what I picked, but until I find something better this will have to do.

My mom's birthday was a success!! She loved my gift. The day was pretty nice, we didn't do to much but it was a nice relaxing day.

Nothing seems to be going right at work today. Our e-mail is all messed up, I can't send anything out. Plus I can't really make any calls because most people have off today. Apparently my company likes to torture their employees by making them come to the office, but not giving them any work to do. It's a blast sitting in a cubicle of 9 hours with nothing to do.

Counting down the hours til I can leave.


How's your day been?

I love free stuff!

Today in my office the HR staff had boxes of free beauty products from a really nice brand. A mass e-mail was sent out to get it while you can and there was a mad rush to stock up. I ended up with a great face wash and a bunch of samples of other stuff. I am soo excited. What a nice way to end the work week. I have NO idea why or how we even got this stuff as we have nothing to do with the company, but whatever I don't normally question free stuff. Just when I start to think this place as my own personal hell, they do something really cool like this and all is forgiven. For now.

Also, we are quickly approaching my 100th post. I made a decision about what to do, but I am keeping it a secret!

Happy Friday!