ABCs

Here's the ABC meme that's been going around!

Age: 26

Bed size: Full. Can't fit anything bigger in my room.

Chore you hate: I guess making my bed. It's not that I hate it, I just never do it. I don't see the point when I'll just be back in it sleeping again.

Dogs: I have two dogs. I LOVE them. They are part of my family.

Essential start your day item: Breakfast. Usually a blueberry and spinach smoothie!! Seriously yummy!! You don't taste the spinach at all!

Favorite color: Purple

Gold or silver: Gold. I love white gold the most, but I also have a bunch of yellow too.

Height: 5'6

Instruments you play: None. I once tried to learn guitar but I was awful and I hated it! lol

Job title: Program Coordinator.

Kids: none

Live: New Jersey, at home still with my mom.

Mom's name: Linda

Nicknames: Carr (not CAR but more like Cahr) usually. One or two people sometimes call me Carrie.

Overnight hospital stays: When I had my appendix taken out (two nights then) and when I had major knee surgery I had to spend the night.

Pet Peeve(s): I have soo many. One of them: it drives me crazy when people don't use their blinker when driving.

Quote from a movie: This will be random, but I was just watching Uncle Buck. "Here's a quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face." Love that movie!! lol

Right or Lefty: Righty, but I do drive with my left hand.

Siblings: Three older brothers. One is a half brother who I haven't seen or spoken to in years. He's had a lot of problems in the past and disappeared from my life when my parents split up.

Time you wake up: 7am during the week. Around 8:30 usually on the weekends

Underwear: Always.

Vegetables you don't like: Unfortunately I'm a really picky eater. I've been trying to get better but there are a ton of veggies I hate. Like green beans. BLEH!!

What makes you run late: Nothing. I'm the person who shows up 15 minutes early. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was late to something.

X-Rays you've had: Way too many to count.

Yummy food you make: I can make ravioli and gnocchi from scratch.

Zoo Animal Favorite: Tough call. I'd say either the elephants or penguins!! Or if I was at Sea World, Dolphins all the way!!! Love Love Love dolphins!

Honest Scrap award!

I'm very excited that Valérie tagged with the Honest Scrap Award!!! I had a bit of a writers block this week so hopefully this award and list will help break it!! Thanks again! I really appreciate it!




"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."


Here is 10 things you may not have known about me:

1. I’ve been skydiving and bungee jumping but I am deathly afraid of Ferris Wheels. I hate how slow they go around and how much they rock back and forth when you stop at the very top! Just thinking about it freaks me out!

2. I love working and being out of the house. However when I get married and have children I would love to have the ability to stay home with them for the first few years. At the same time I know I would miss working and making an income. I would never want to be fully dependent on my husband. This is where the lottery comes in. J

3. I would like to adopt a child one day. I think it’s a beautiful thing when people adopt. Even more special when people adopt a child that is not a baby. I feel just awful when I read stories about kids who want nothing more to be adopted but aren’t because of their age. It really breaks my heart.

4. I have a huge fear that I will lose my hearing one-day. When I was little I had a lot of ear problems and ear infections. As a result there is a lot of scar tissue in my ears and in certain situations, like at noisy restaurant, I cannot hear what anyone is saying. It’s all white noise to me. I’m afraid that when I’m older it will just get worse and worse until it’s totally gone. Not being able to hear peoples speak, listen to music, and watch movies without subtitles scares me.

5. I no longer have a relationship with my dad. It took me a long time to realize that I am better off not having him in my life. However deep deep down I still wish things would have turned out differently. I wish he had tried just a little harder to have me in his life. His loss.

6. If I could move anywhere in the world without having to worry about money and/or working I would go back to London. When I studied abroad there I was happy. Truly happy. It felt like home. I loved everything about that city. The people, the history, the atmosphere, and even the food.

7. I am a very picky eater. To the point where I’m almost impossible sometimes. I hate and am embarrassed that I’m such a picky eater. I feel like a child because I don’t eat certain things. I wish I could be one of those people who will eat anything. That being said I very rarely step outside my comfort zone to try something new.

8. It’s hard for me to accept compliments about the way I look. I don’t know why, maybe because I don’t get them a lot or if it’s because deep down I don’t believe them, but I feel very awkward when someone comments about me. If someone says I’m pretty I don’t believe them or I’m afraid there will be a “but” afterward. I can’t tell you how many times a person has said, “oh you’re so pretty… but you would be gorgeous if you lost weight.” Or my favorite, “You have such a pretty face”. AKA everything else is gross. Thanks.

9. When I was little I used to dream about being a mermaid. Every time I took a bath or went swimming I would pretend I was one. I was just completely fascinated at the concept of being able to stay underwater forever and get to swim and see all different types of whales and fishes. Also all mermaids had the most amazing hair ever!

10. It’s impossible for me to stay mad at people for a long time. Being disappointed is another issue. I could get into a massive fight with someone and an hour later all if forgiven and we’re back to being normal. Sometimes an apology is not even needed. I just don’t see the point in being angry with someone for a long time. It ends up hurting you more than the person you’re mad at. It’s freeing to be able to just let it go.

I hope you enjoyed my list! I am tagging the following people this award! Click on the names for the links.

Erin
Allison
Magda
Ashley
Lexilooo
Karen
CC
Alethea
Lacey Bean
Emily - she hasn't blogged in a while so I hope she's still there!

One step at a time

Thank you soo much for your thoughtful comments on last post. They really meant a lot to me. Just writing that out I felt a lot better, but after reading your comments I knew I wasn’t alone. I mean I knew that before, but I never really KNEW it. If that makes any sense.

I have debated going to therapy again but I don’t think I’m there yet. I feel like this is a problem for me to face head on. If I was sinking into depression again I would be there, but, thankfully, I’m not depressed. Just confused and a little lost.

I used to go to therapy and this was a topic I very rarely discussed. Mostly because there was other more serious matters to discuss and I was embarrassed. I would brush over it when I was talking about something else but it was hard for me to focus on and voice out loud.

I was defiantly one of those people who went to therapy and was worried that my problems weren’t valid enough or that I would bore her. She helped me get over that fear but I could still never talk about it. I guess I wasn’t ready yet.

Now that I am ready, I want to face it alone. I think talking about it like I did was a huge stepping off point for me. Now I just need to take baby steps to getting better. I’m not expecting over night results, but I think if I face one small task at a time I will eventually build up my self-esteem.

What do you do to help build yourself up?

I heart MEMEs

I decided to take a break from all the drama in my life and decided to have some fun with this post. I've seen this meme circulating the internet for a while now. The things I've done are bolded. Things that are iffy are in italics.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort – which turned to ice so then it was an igloo!
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - it was way to expensive so we took a water taxi
29. Seen a total eclipse – I’ve seen a lunar eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community - in the "dutch country" of Pennsylvania
36. Taught yourself a new language – does 4 years of Italian in HS count?
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - AMAZING
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma – I’ve tried to but I have anemia so I couldn’t
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London – it’s really not all that fun
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit? – not sure if my run in with the law counts
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

My secret

Before I start let me preface this by saying that I’m not depressed this week. I wrote this post a while ago but I just haven’t had the guts to post it. I felt like today would be fitting. But there is no need to be worried about all these melancholy posts I’ve put up. Fun ones will soon resume.

Today is blog secret day and although I didn’t participate in it, I decided to post my own secret. Even though I guess you can’t really call it a secret if you know it is coming from me. Anyway here it is. I can’t trust people. I seem to always be waiting for the day for a person to let me down.

This started with my dad. I’ve mentioned him before but I wanted to give a little background in order to explain my problems with trust.

I tried to start a relationship about seven years after he left. I was tired of being angry and I just wanted to move on. So I started e-mailing him. I asked him a lot of questions. He never gave me a straight answer. Or he would twist my words around until they were the complete opposite of what I said. The best part? Was that he told me that he doesn’t trust his daughter and didn’t want to be manipulated by me. Me! The man who left my mother for another woman and then didn’t try to have a relationship with me, was scared that his 19 year old daughter was going to manipulate him.

Here is an excerpt from one of his e-mails to me. And yes I’ve kept them all

“Not to sound cold, because that is not how I feel, but as much as I love you, and I do. I am keenly aware that I don’t want to be manipulated by my daughter at this late date. Call me skeptical, because I am. After all Carolyn, it's been seven years of me missing you and for what? You have been scared of me? I guess this is a good time to say thank you for the fathers day card. Thanks, it was touching but it would have meant more if it was accompanied by a Philip Margolis book like the old days. I miss you giving me a book."

Let’s break that down shall we? First he actually says he doesn’t want to get manipulated by me, but conveniently forgets that he is the one who cut off communication in the beginning. Then, while he does thank me for a card I get him, he actually has the audacity to say that it would have meant more if there was a gift accompanied. What the hell. This was at the very beginning of the relationship. He was lucky to get a freakin card. Not to mention that throughout our whole relationship he accused me of being spoiled and that the only reason why I talked to him was to get money from him.

If that were the case I would have started talking to him a long time ago. Other then pay for part of my college education (he was supposed to pay for it all), I never received one dime from him. I never asked for one dime from him. Even when I was supposed to get more money for school, I just ended up taking student loans then have to fight with him for more money.

Anyway, I am getting off track. I could talk about the things he did for hours. I can’t trust people, especially the opposite sex because of my father. More then anything else, I hate him for this. I purposefully date men who I know things won’t work out with. If a guy does hit on me, I think that he must be making a mistake and/or there was no one better around. Worst of all? I use my weight as the number one defense mechanism. A guy doesn’t like me? Well it’s because of my weight not who I actually am. I hate that I do this and yet I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve been to therapy but this is one topic that I tended to avoid. It’s something I need to figure on my own. If I don’t figure it out on my own, I fear that I will never be able to truly trust a person. It saddens me that I’m 24 and have never been in a serious relationship that I have never truly loved a guy before. I am so scared of getting hurt that I prevent myself from getting those feelings. I know in time this will eventually happen, but I am scared that I won’t let it happen.

So here is my secret. I am afraid of falling in love.

Hodgepodge

After I revealed who I was, I kind of freaked out and had to fight every urge to not take it down. I am now finally okay with what I did. I am happy that now you can put a face to a blog.

However. The other day I changed my background of my blog and I ended up really liking it. Then when I changed my name on the side bar it would not stay on one line! What the hell? It said Caroly and the N was under the C. I tried everything I could think of to make it stay on one like but alas as I’ve mentioned before I am not tech savvy. I ended up changing my background again! And I don’t like this one nearly as much as the other. But what can I do? I don’t want people to think my name is Caroly and my last name is just the letter N.

The good thing about revealing my actual name is that I can tell you about something that happens to me on a daily basis. At my job, I have to talk to a lot of people on the phone. When is rings, I say, “Hello, this is Carolyn speaking.” I’m not really sure what is wrong with these people but about 40 percent of the time they answer back “Hello KAREN this is blah blah blah.” Karen? My name is not Karen this is CAROLYN.

It happens all the time. I don’t know why it is. It’s not like I’m mumbling or talking really fast. The girl who sits next to me can attest to that. It’s like they hear the first syllable I say and automatically think my name is Karen. It happens so often that I’ve stopped correcting most of them.

Even at the train station that I wait at every morning, there is one guy that thinks my name is Karen. Every morning, he says to me “Good morning Karen!” It’s been months. It’s too late now for me to correct him. So I just let him call me that. I fear for the day I see someone I know and they say my actual name. He will feel like a jackass. I feel like I’m Chandler on Friends where the guy at his work thinks his name is Toby. It’s just to embarrassing now to change it. What’s funny is that when I first met him he said my name correctly. Then somehow it morphed into Karen.

It gets very tiring after a while. I almost want to take an earlier train just to avoid it. And when I answer the phone? I try and say my name as slowly and carefully as possible. It still doesn’t work. I’m not I will ever be able to find a solution.

Switching topics, I wanted to let you know that my hair is darker and redder now then in the photo. And yes I do realize that I look much younger then 24 in the picture. I have somewhat of a baby face that people love to comment on. But I like that picture. With the holidays coming up I should get an updated photo of myself and I will post it.

Speaking of holidays, I can’t believe Thanksgiving is in less then 2 weeks!! I am so excited. It is by far my favorite holiday. Good food and great company gathered round. It’s great. We have it at our house every year and I love that. Our family is there for the day and at night family friends stop over to visit. Oh and the food. There is so much food. As if a 25-pound turkey wasn’t enough, my mom also makes a ham and since we are Italian we have to have a pasta course to begin with. It is ridiculous. I feel full after the appetizers.

This weekend I decided to get an early start and try to do some Christmas shopping. Wish me luck!!

What about you? Have you gotten a head start on holiday shopping??

100th!

This is my 100th post!! I cannot believe I kept up with this for so long. Usually when I start something like this, I get bored fast and end up forgetting about it. This is different. This is a place where I can really be me and that’s why I have kept up with it for as long as I have. Also, I really appreciate everyone who reads this and also I love every single comment I get. That’s another reason why I keep up with this. I defiantly feel like I have bloggy friends, even if we’ve never really talked before. I get a deep personal look into your lives and I feel close to you guys. But I’m start to sound creepy so I will move on.

Before I mentioned that to celebrate this milestone I would either A) say my real name or B) post a picture of myself. I went back and forth for a really long time and finally decided to do both!!!!

I can’t stand using a fake name anymore; it makes this blog feel foreign. Also, I figured that if anyone I know ever came across this blog they would know it was me in a second so it really shouldn’t matter if I post a picture. Plus, even though I am terrified of a person in my personal life finding this blog, at the same time it would probably be a blessing for them to really see the real me.

So without further hesitation my name is actually:

Carolyn! (pronounced CaroLYNNE not CaroLINE)

This is the only picture I could find of me by myself. This was taken over the summer when I was in Mexico.

7 weird facts about yours truly

CC at Fork in the Road tagged me in a MEME. I am supposed to tell you all 7 weird facts about myself. I am a very strange person but for some reason it was really hard to make this list up. I guess I just didn’t want to scare you or have you think I’m really crazy. Here is what I came up with! Enjoy!

1. I am a little OCD. Certain things have to be done a certain way or I will freak out. For instance my morning routine is pretty much timed to the minute. Also you go into a room and there are like 2 or 3 light switches right next to each other?? It drives me crazy when they are not all facing the same way. It’s weird I know.


2. I used to wear glasses. From the age of 2 to about 12 I had to wear glasses for being cross-eyed and a little nearsighted. Then my eyes got better and I no longer need them. I now have perfect vision. Some people still think I wear contacts and don’t believe me when I tell them that it’s all-better.


3. I’m the only person in my immediate family that has blue eyes. My mom, dad and brothers all have brown eyes. The only other person to have them is my grandpa on my dad’s side.


4. Ferris wheels scare the crap out of me. Seriously. They go up really high, very slowly, making a sound that is not normal, and I feel like I’m just going to plummet down to my death. It is so tedious. It is torture. However, I have gone Sky Diving, Bungee jumping and basically every roller coaster at Great Adventure, but the damn Ferris Wheel freaks me out.


5. While other little kids dreamed of being a teacher, astronaut, president…. I dreamt of being a waitress. That was one of my favorite games to play. I put on an apron, roller skates (because I worked at a 50s diner), and a little pad and used to pretend to be a waitress. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell them that. My only saving grace? My brothers wanted to become a garbage man so they could ride on the back of the truck. Apparently my family likes to keep expectations low.


6. I have what people call hitchhiker thumbs. They stick out at a 90-degree angle and my thumb is bent backward instead of just being straight. Since I can’t really explain it I am posting the picture. That’s not my hand, but that’s basically how it looks. Whenever I had to get a physical they always marked hands as “abnormal”.


7. I don’t know how you would classify this but it isn’t normal so this could be my last weird thing. For whatever reason I have met quite a few celebrities. Most while I was in England doing an internship, some I live near, and the other was just random. I have met: Mini Driver (internship), Christian Slater (internship), Bruce Springsteen (live near), Bon Jovi (live near), Nicolas Cage (random), Hugh Dancy (internship), Wentworth Miller (internship), Maury Povich and Connie Chung (live near). Now to be fair, the people that I live near I have never actually spoken to. There are even more famous people that live near me, I didn’t put the ones I haven’t seen up here, but we tend to leave them all alone. Either way it’s still pretty cool.

Now I’m supposed to tag people but I figured if you like this idea then you should go for it! If you do, let me know so I can see it!

What do you need?

I saw a couple of other people do this post last week and since I don’t really have anything to post today I decided this would be good to fill in. Basically you take your name and you Google it along with the word “needs” after it. Now I’m pretty sure I've mentioned before that Rose isn’t actually my name. I am actually debating on whether or not I should reveal my actual name but I’m just not ready yet. Anyway keep in mind that I did use my real name when I googled, so if for some reason you decided to google “Rose Needs” and you came up with different stuff, well that’s why. Anyway enjoy the following Needs that came up on google.

• a spanking: that’s awesome and maybe a little bit true
• to back up: If by back up they mean to take a step back and really look at my life then YES
• your prayers: absolutely I need all the help I can get
• to make sure there aren't any conditions present that rule out having a massage due to any health risks: This one is weird, but I can say that I don’t really enjoy massages because I am very ticklish
• will continue to be met, and that she'll continue to be a light in this world for many years help: Well this one technically came from saying “Rose’s Needs” slightly different then the actual challenge but I put it up because it was a serious moral booster when I read it.
• your financial support: Umm yes. If any of you have a few thousand to spare, I would appreciate being the recipient.
• to be here to show 'em how it's done: I like this. Again a good moral booster
• a cigarette for the rest of this: I don’t smoke but I do enjoy the smell of smoke, which is really weird.

Well here’s my list of needs. I thought this was really fun and very enlightening. What are your needs?

P.S. - I'm still new to this whole thing. Can anyone please tell me what MEME stands for? It's driving me crazy!

Everything from A to Zinc

I know I did a list of random things about me a while ago but I am really bored at work so I am going to steal Karen’s idea for a post to do an A to Z post about myself. Hopefully this will take up some time for me.

Alzheimer’s- My grandpa had this disease. It was horrible watching him deteriorate from this and I am petrified that I will get it when I’m older.

Baltimore – I went to college outside of the city of Baltimore.

Commute – My commute to and from work each day takes about an hour and a half to two hours. That’s about 4 hours I spend each day going to and from work. It is AWFUL and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Dogs – I have 2 dogs. One is really old and age has not treated him well. He is covered in warts, and lost most of his teeth. Most people are really grossed out by him now, but I still look at him like the puppy he used to be. The other is only 2 years old and is so cute but very poorly trained.

Exaggerate – I love to exaggerate. I feel it gets my point across better.

Funny – I like to think that I am a funny person. I love to tell stories and make people laugh. Some people though DO NOT get my humor.

Geoffrey – was the name of my junior prom date. He died 4 days after we went to prom. He was just a friend that I didn’t really know that well, but I still haven’t gotten over it. I did not want to go to my senior prom the following year. My friends made me go. I am thankful that they did.

Hypochondriac – When I hurt my knee for the third time (in one year) my doctor didn’t believe me. He basically told me that I would always be in pain and that I should just suck it up. I went for a second opinion and it was discovered that I had tore my Meniscus again and would need to have another surgery.

Irony – I find a lot amusement in things that are ironic.

Jewelry – I love jewelry. I have a lot of different types. I especially love antique/estate pieces. Even though I own a lot of pieces, I rarely actually wear it. I’m trying to make myself wear it more often.

Kleptomaniac – when I was an adolescent I liked to steal stuff. Nothing big, usually something small like a pack of gum, sometimes even an eye shadow. It was only for like a month and even though I was young I still feel really bad about doing it.

Love – I have never truly been in love, yet. There was some close ones, but never the real thing. I am scared of truly falling in love with a guy and then having him break my heart.

Meniscus- when I was in the 7th grade I tore my meniscus in my knee. I have since had a total of 5 surgeries on my knee and will eventually need to get my knee replaced.

Needles – I HATE needles. I am so scared of them. Oddly though I have 2 tattoos. I’m only scared of surgical needles that inject medicine into you. Because of all the surgeries I’ve had I’ve come to associate needles with all the pain that happens when you have surgery.

OCD – Sometimes I think I have OCD. Actually I think everyone has some OCD qualities to him or her. For me I am always making schedules. If I have to do something say get ready for work I plan my mornings down to the minute. Usually I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. For example, I wake up at 7 am. I get ready, put on my makeup, brush my teeth; get my shoes on, make my lunch and I’m out the door by 7:26. I hate that I do this, but if I don’t make these schedule or for some reason cannot follow it I freak out. It sounds tiring but it’s second nature to me.

Problem solving – I LOVE to problem solve. I know that sounds weird but I used to love math especially algebra because of the solving of intricate problems. If someone is in a predicament of some sort I love helping to figure it out. It’s oddly calming to me. People tend to come to me with their problems and I’m always happy to help.

Quirky – I have a very unique personality. I’ve heard many people refer to me as quirky or just flat out weird. Instead of taking offense I take it as a compliment.

Ramapo – was where I was planning on going to college. I changed my mind the last minute and went out of state. Paying out-of-state tuition and now owe a lot of money. It was worth EVERY penny.

Surgery – Including my knee surgeries I’ve had 10 different operations. Being only 24 I consider that quite an accomplishment. That’s me being Sarcastic, another characteristic of mine that many people don’t catch on to.

Therapist – My first year of college my major my plan was to become a Speech Therapist. In High school I always thought I would be a physical Therapist. I ended up going a completely different direction and graduated with a degree in Mass Communications.

Ulta – I love makeup and beauty products. Ulta is my favorite store, it mores like a haven for me. It’s like Sephora, but carries all types of brands from low end to high. I can easy spend a hundred bucks in just one trip.

Vacation – My favorite vacation I ever took was when I went to Paris by myself. I didn’t know anyone or speak of word of French and it was my best trip. It made me realize that I can do anything that I really put my mind to.

Whoa – When talking to my best friend instead of saying so much I usually say like whoa. For example, instead of saying “I miss you so much, I would say, “I miss you like whoa”. It’s something that both of us do. I can’t remember how it started but it was a few years ago and we still do it to this day.

Xenu – I CANNOT believe that a fictional book by a crazy man became a serious religion. I am convinced that Scientology is a cult and a very strange trend. Who ever heard of a church that you have to pay in order to belong? And do not get me started on the whole prescription medicine thing.

Yes – I am awful at saying No to things. If someone asks me a favor from them I almost always say yes. I feel really guilty about saying no and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I need to learn how to say NO.

Zamboni – I’ve always wanted to drive a zamboni. I used to take figure skating lessons and one of my favorite things was watching the zamboni smooth the ice.

That is my list. It ended up taking a long time for me to do and was a lot longer than I expected, but it was defiantly fun. I hope you enjoyed it!

Getting to know me

So I don’t really have anything to write about, but since I am about to go on vacation and won’t be posting for a while I decided to write a list of things about me. There are random and not so random facts about who I am. Enjoy!

• My parents separated when I was 12
• Their divorce wasn’t finalized until I was in high school (it was nasty)
• I thought my parents were blissfully happy
• My dad turned into a different person after he left my mom
• We no longer have a relationship (a long story for a different day)
• Even though the above seem like really sad stuff, I’m totally okay with it
• I truly believe I am a better person for all that’s happened to me
• I don’t like to talk about my past that much
• I hate when people pity me
• I’ve had 10 surgeries in my short life span
• 5 Knee surgeries (3 in one year)
• I will always have problems with my leg
• I used to be angry about that, but now just accept it as a fact of life
• 2 shoulder surgeries that happened almost exactly a year apart
• I’ve had tube in my ears – TWICE
• Have a lot of scar tissue that cause hearing problems some times
• And my appendix was taken out when I was 6
• I was the same height in the 7th grade as I am now
• Ditto for my shoe size
• When I stopped growing, my other friends finally started
• I am the only person in my immediate family that has blue eyes
• I have 3 older brothers
• One of them is my half brother who I haven’t seen in over 6 years, and talked to in over 10
• When people ask me how many siblings I had I used to say 2 because it stopped a long and confusing conversation from happening
• I still sometimes say just 2
• The beach is my favorite place in the world
• I am deathly afraid of jelly fish
• I wish I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life
• But feel comfort in the fact that there are many others out there just like me
• When I decide to do something, I always follow through
• I’ve been skydiving
• I have 2 tattoos
• I studied abroad in London
• I’ve visited various parts of France, Italy and Greece
• I went to Paris by myself not knowing one word of French
• It was my favorite trip I took
• I seriously considered moving to London before I realized I had no money
• I secretly pray to win the lottery
• I very rarely actually buy a lottery ticket cause it’s too sad when I don’t win
• I love my family
• I feel more of a kinship with my grandma than my own mother
• I would never tell my mom that cause it would kill her
• I consider my best friend to be my sister and soul mate
• I am obsessed with purses and shoes
• I spend way to much money on my bags
• I have very little faith in marriage and trust cause of what happened to my mom
• I have never been in a serious relationship
• I’m too scared that I’ll be hurt and turn into my mother
• I use my weight as an excuse as to why guys won’t date me
• I know that’s not true, but use it as a shield anyway
• I went to therapy when I was in college, but stopped after I graduated
• I don’t feel like going to see someone else, cause then I would have to start all over again.
• Amazingly I am truly no longer depressed,
• I still have anger and anxiety issues I need to deal with
• Writing is my outlet for these things (hence the name of my blog)
• I’m too scared to post of lot of things on my blog,
• for fear of people either recognizing me or what they might think
• I also fear that people will judge me on my blog, cause it’s so self indulgent
• I know that’s stupid, cause isn’t that the point of people blogging?

I could probably keep on going, but I should really get back to work and actually do something productive. I won’t be around ‘til after Memorial Day. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

A very long introduction (part one)

Being that this is my first official blog, I thought I would begin with a little back-story and how I decided to, against my previous position on the matter, to become a blogger. Let's start with the easiest, why am I doing this??? I never really understood why anyone would put their deepest thoughts and secrets up on the web for all to see. I would read these things and feel as though I had just broken into someone's bedroom, looked under their pillow, and broke the little lock. Here I was reading someone's personal thoughts and I would feel guilty because I now know these peoples secrets. Also because I now judge them based on these thoughts and feelings. I would also feel guilty because then I couldn't get enough of it. I was reading dozens of blogs each week to see what my new faux friends were saying. It was like being a fly on the wall. I am reading about the lives of other people and what they really think, and the best part was they had no idea who I was! I was a spy getting the pertinent information needed to save the world, well not really but I did start to feel special that these people whom I never met, and would never meet under normal circumstances were allowing me into their lives, even if it was via blogging. And than I started to imagine what it would be like on the other side. How did these faux friends of mine feel each time they blogged???

And I guess this is why I decided to become a blogger, to see what the other side feels like. I find it oddly liberating to be able to share my thoughts and feelings in a forum where no one knows who I am. Also, I’ve tried keeping a journal but I just get to lazy about it and never remembered to write in it. Having a blog will, (hopefully) help me keep up with it. And for me personally, writing is a way for me to deal with my feelings and work through whatever problems I am facing. I used to go to therapy when my depression and anxiety was getting to a point of no return. My counselor told me whenever I couldn’t sleep, what getting panicky or way to emotional I should just write, since that is what I feel most comfortable doing. And I gotta say every time I do write, even if its just babble, I automatically feel better and I can sleep soundly and in peace. And that in a very big nutshell is why I am doing this. Okay since this entry has officially become to long, I think I will leave the get to know me part for another day. I mean I’m not expecting a lot of people or even anyone to read this. So I think it can wait a little.