Putting things into Perspective

So I disappeared for a couple of weeks. My life was turned upside down and I'm still coming to gripes with everything that's happened.

Long story short (because I can't really talk about it all yet), my dad's sister and one of her daughters died very suddenly. They were killed in a house fire. Which is really and truly beyond horrifying for me to even imagine still. It shocked me to my core. Not only am I extremely upset at this loss, it brought up a whole bunch of other issues I wasn't quite ready to deal with.

I have mentioned in the past on here, that I do not have a relationship with my father. Before this I haven't seen him in over 8 years. As hard as it is to explain; the lack of relationship isn't really a bad thing to me anymore. It is what it is. He and my mom divorced when I was 12. I didn't speak with him for a long long time because of everything that happened after. When I was in college I reached out to him. Despite my best efforts it just wasn't working out. He wasn't being a dad for me still. I had finally realized that having him in my life was making me sad and depressed, and it was just time for me to let it go. I haven't really looked back since. Don't get me wrong, I still think of him from time to time. And I miss the fact that I never really had a dad in my life or will in the future.

It's also definitely messed with me in terms of having a serious relationship in my life. I am terrified of getting hurt by a man I love. So I keep them at a distance. This is something I have been working on but I'm a work in progress for sure.

Since my parents divorce I've rarely seen anyone on my dad's side of the family. I think in part it was because they really didn't know how to maintain a relationship with us. Especially considering none of us spoke with my dad. The last time I saw most of them was well over 10 years. The thought of seeing all of them (there are a lot of them) at a wake, was just almost too much for me to handle. Then add the fact that I would be seeing my dad. I was a wreck. And despite not having seen my aunt or cousin in years, I was/am really sad about them passing. No one should die that young. My cousin was only 27.

I was afraid of what my dad or my family would say to me. If they would be mean toward me or what. Thankfully my brother came with me and we faced it head on. My whole family was welcoming and touched that we came to pay our respects. My dad was a shock to see. He has aged greatly since the last time I saw him and does not look like he's in good health. It was extremely awkward at first being with him. But I feel like in the end it was almost like closure. I've finally realized that he is in my past. He'll always be my dad and I will always love him because he's my father, but other than that. I am truly okay that he's not apart of my life. And I now know I can face seeing him without falling to pieces.

Having this tragic event happen has put everything I've been struggling with lately into perspective. Life is so short and so precious that I cannot waste anymore time with it. Dealing with the deteriotion of my friendship with my best friend, and realizing that I will be just fine if she's no longer in my life. Not taking offence to the fact that she basically planned her entire wedding in a week and didn't tell me a word about it. I now realize we are just two very different people in very different parts of our lives. And she is just selfish and isn't being malicious toward me when she doesn't tell me anything. That's just her now.

With regards to my career, I have to just go for it. I'll deeply regret not trying at the very least becoming a baker. Again life is too damn short for me to not be living every second of it. I have officially applied to the college to become a student come this fall. I'll keep you posted on that!

_______ wants to be friends on Facebook

I love Facebook. It's a great way to keep in touch with people, see pictures and remember birthdays. Lately though I've been getting friends requests from people that I don't feel totally comfortable about accepting. I'm not sure if I want them getting this kind of glimpse into my life.

When my parents split up, my dad's family basically cut off all communication toward us. With the exception of a few people and instances, I haven't spoken with most of them in over 14 years. And that was not my choice. I'm not sure if they felt they had to show my dad loyalty or what, but it was basically like we no longer existed to them. I guess I can understand them not wanting to speak or see my mom anymore, but my brothers and I shouldn't have been included in that freeze.

In the past few years with the huge growth in facebook (remember when you had to be in college to join??) I've gotten friend requests from that side of the family. Mostly cousins at first. Which I had no problem with. Lately though Aunts and Uncles have been sending a friend request. That's were things get awkward. These are people I haven't really spoken to since I was a teenager. Why all of a sudden do they want to reach out to me?

Now I really have no problems with any of them. I can see why they cut themselves off like that. It was a nasty divorce, and my brothers and I do not have a relationship with my dad. That makes it really awkward for them to reach out to us. And normally I wouldn't mind accepting these requests, but some of these people act like spies sometimes and report back to my dad everything they learn about us.

It's creepy and uncomfortable. There is a reason I don't talk to my dad, and I hate that they try to find out whatever they can to report back to him. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't really know how to go about telling these people for them to respect me and not do that. They are his family. Plus it's facebook, so it's not a face to face conversation. It's just weird.

I've accepted these requests because I don't want to look like a bitch. (I seriously have issues sometimes) However if I ever get really uncomfortable I'll be unfriending them. I'm just not ready for my dad to know that much about my life.

Also on that note, I still haven't sent that letter to my dad yet. I'm not sure I really want to reach out again like that. I was so hurt the last time I did. I really keep on going back and forth. So for now it'll stay in my drafts folder until I'm 100% sure either way.

What would you do? (need advice!!!!)

There have been some things on my mind lately and I just don't really know how to proceed.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but just in case, let me start by saying that I don't have a relationship with my dad. Basically he's a pretty crappy father and I had to cut him out of my life because I was sad all the time. When you have a relationship with anyone, I think that if you are upset 99% of the time, that maybe it's time to let it go. Even if it's someone like your dad.

That's what I did about 4 years ago. Maybe a little longer actually. Anyway, it was like instant. As soon as I stopped talking to him, I felt lighter and happier than I did in years. It was definitely the best decision for me. I know some people reading this might think I'm a bad person for not talking to my dad, but please understand that every situation is different. I am not the type of person who can keep on contact with a person who makes me sad all the time, just because it's the right thing to do.

Anyway at my gym, I keep on meeting people who either know my dad, or a family member on that side of the family. Naturally meeting all these people, made me start thinking about my dad again. I guess I feel guilty for shutting him out of my life. Plus, I hate the fact that he blames my mother for the fact that neither my brothers or I speak to him. Even though it's not her fault at ALL. She was the one person that always tried to get me to talk to him, and he's always blaming her for everything. It's insane.

While I don't want to start up a relationship with my Dad again, I also don't want to leave things how they are now. I feel bad that he doesn't know anything about my life. Also down the line if I ever get married or what not I don't want him to feel out of the loop. But I also don't want him to be involved either. I'm seriously torn.

I wrote up a letter that is sitting in my drafts to him. I'm not sure if I should send it or not. Basically in it, I try to explain a little better why I cut off communication. At the end I also offer to send him sporadic updates on my life if he would like me to do so. If not than that would be okay too.

I'm afraid it's opening up a big can of worms though. I'm afraid he'll read it the wrong way and think I'm blaming him for something (which I'm not, but he likes to twist my words around a lot). I'm also afraid he'll think that my mom is some way involved in it and will harass her (which he has in the past).

I just want to not have any regrets. He's my father, and even though I don't like him, I will always love him. He's my dad. I don't want the day to come when he passes away and me be filled with regret. But I also don't want to go back to that place when I was depressed and sad all the time either.

So should I send the letter or not?

A closed chapter

I have mentioned in the past that I no longer have a relationship with my dad. While I am no longer sad or have any regrets about the entire situation, people still feel the need to bring the subject up all the time. I don’t know if they just don’t believe me that I am fine or just can’t understand the situation, but it really gets on my nerves after a while.

Especially if people KNOW I don’t talk to him anymore and feel the need to ask if I’ve spoken to him lately or how is he doing. When people say things to me I feel like they are saying it to make me feel guilty, or are looking down at me for being such a terrible person for not speaking with him.

I try my best to diffuse the situation but I don’t really know how to get these people to just stop asking me. It’s a closed chapter in my life, one that I don’t feel the need to have to defend all the time.

My mother seems to be the worst offender when it comes to bringing him up. She knows how I feel and yet she keeps on “trying” to get me to talk to him. Which is complete bullshit because she honestly couldn’t be happier that he is out of my life. I don’t understand why she has to do that.

Like yesterday she told that it was his birthday and maybe I should call him or something. Maybe I should send him a gift? Umm are you serious??? I feel like she only brought it up to get a rise out of me.
She puts on this façade with our family and friends about how she wants me to have a relationship with him but I know that is a complete lie. Many times has she told me about what she thinks of him. Trust me though, that’s not the reason him and me don’t speak anymore. It’s a looonnnggg story.

Also, when I was trying to have a relationship with him back in college I visited him during spring break. Because I actually had an okay time instead of wanting to kill myself, which is what she secretly wanted, she got so mad at me that she did not speak to me for almost 2 months!! I’m not even exaggerating.

Why does she have to keep on bringing that whole subject up? I’ve tried many times to get her to understand how it makes me feel but she doesn’t seem to grasp it. She seems to think that I have all these issues and anger toward him but that’s not true. I’ve completely forgiven him, not for him but so I could finally move on with my life. It’s just that I’m happier with him out of my life than when he is in it. He tended to make me miserable and feel awful about myself. I didn’t need that so I walked away.

I know it’s a tough situation but I wish it could just be left alone. I’m fine and I have never once regretted the fact that I no longer have a dad in my life anymore.

I wish people would get that and stop thinking I’m lying when I say that.

My secret

Before I start let me preface this by saying that I’m not depressed this week. I wrote this post a while ago but I just haven’t had the guts to post it. I felt like today would be fitting. But there is no need to be worried about all these melancholy posts I’ve put up. Fun ones will soon resume.

Today is blog secret day and although I didn’t participate in it, I decided to post my own secret. Even though I guess you can’t really call it a secret if you know it is coming from me. Anyway here it is. I can’t trust people. I seem to always be waiting for the day for a person to let me down.

This started with my dad. I’ve mentioned him before but I wanted to give a little background in order to explain my problems with trust.

I tried to start a relationship about seven years after he left. I was tired of being angry and I just wanted to move on. So I started e-mailing him. I asked him a lot of questions. He never gave me a straight answer. Or he would twist my words around until they were the complete opposite of what I said. The best part? Was that he told me that he doesn’t trust his daughter and didn’t want to be manipulated by me. Me! The man who left my mother for another woman and then didn’t try to have a relationship with me, was scared that his 19 year old daughter was going to manipulate him.

Here is an excerpt from one of his e-mails to me. And yes I’ve kept them all

“Not to sound cold, because that is not how I feel, but as much as I love you, and I do. I am keenly aware that I don’t want to be manipulated by my daughter at this late date. Call me skeptical, because I am. After all Carolyn, it's been seven years of me missing you and for what? You have been scared of me? I guess this is a good time to say thank you for the fathers day card. Thanks, it was touching but it would have meant more if it was accompanied by a Philip Margolis book like the old days. I miss you giving me a book."

Let’s break that down shall we? First he actually says he doesn’t want to get manipulated by me, but conveniently forgets that he is the one who cut off communication in the beginning. Then, while he does thank me for a card I get him, he actually has the audacity to say that it would have meant more if there was a gift accompanied. What the hell. This was at the very beginning of the relationship. He was lucky to get a freakin card. Not to mention that throughout our whole relationship he accused me of being spoiled and that the only reason why I talked to him was to get money from him.

If that were the case I would have started talking to him a long time ago. Other then pay for part of my college education (he was supposed to pay for it all), I never received one dime from him. I never asked for one dime from him. Even when I was supposed to get more money for school, I just ended up taking student loans then have to fight with him for more money.

Anyway, I am getting off track. I could talk about the things he did for hours. I can’t trust people, especially the opposite sex because of my father. More then anything else, I hate him for this. I purposefully date men who I know things won’t work out with. If a guy does hit on me, I think that he must be making a mistake and/or there was no one better around. Worst of all? I use my weight as the number one defense mechanism. A guy doesn’t like me? Well it’s because of my weight not who I actually am. I hate that I do this and yet I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve been to therapy but this is one topic that I tended to avoid. It’s something I need to figure on my own. If I don’t figure it out on my own, I fear that I will never be able to truly trust a person. It saddens me that I’m 24 and have never been in a serious relationship that I have never truly loved a guy before. I am so scared of getting hurt that I prevent myself from getting those feelings. I know in time this will eventually happen, but I am scared that I won’t let it happen.

So here is my secret. I am afraid of falling in love.

A New Day

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.

Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.

So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.

That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.

*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**

**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.

An open letter

Dear dad,

12 years ago yesterday you left my mom. Actually you left your family. You like to say you were just leaving my mom, but what do you call not trying to contact your own children during the month that followed? Did you really think you could pick and choose when you wanted me in your life? That’s not how it works. But I’m not angry anymore. Seriously, I should hate you for everything that you done, but it got to tiring being mad. It was ruining my life and barely affecting yours. So I let go.

I let go of the fact that you chose to tell my mom that you were having an affair and you were leaving her, then proceeded to go to sleep in the same bed as her as if what you just said was okay.

I let go of the fact that you decided to go golfing the next day instead of telling your children what had happened. I let go of the fact that you made my brother be your caddy and told him while you were on the back nine. I let go of the fact that you continued to play while my brother was crying in the golf cart.

I let go of the fact that you made my mom tell me what was going on and how you conveniently left out the part of the other woman. Or while I was crying in my bedroom you just kept walking by with bag after bag of your things, never stopping to see how I was or try to comfort me.

I let go of the fact that you were engaged with the other woman before the divorce was even final. Or how you told the judge that my mom brainwashed me into hating you. Yes, that’s why I didn’t want to see you, because I was brainwashed not for your actions or the threatening letters you sent to my mother.

I let go of the fact that you tried only a handful of times to see me. I was angry with you, but you should have beat down the door and made me talk to you. Even if my mother was preventing you from seeing me, which I know isn’t true; you should have made it happen. You were the adult and I was the child.

I let go of all this and tried to have a relationship with you again in college. I contacted you, played by your rules, never asked questions that you couldn’t answer, and even visited you at your home with your new wife all in the hopes of repairing what was done. But nothing happened. You didn’t try. You wrote me one sentence e-mails once a week and thought that was sufficient. It wasn’t. I wanted a father, not an acquaintance. When I pushed for something more you called me superficial and tried to blame it on me. Again, you’re the parent and I’m your child, I shouldn’t have been doing all the work in the first place. It should have been you to contact me, you should have answered all my questions even the tough ones, you should have visited me to make me more comfortable instead of telling me it was to expensive and then going on vacation to Florida a month later.

I had to let you go again. The relationship was killing me and I was constantly unhappy. I was looking for a dad; instead I got a shell of the man who used to be him. You tried to blame me for what happened, but I know the truth. You can go ahead and tell people what a horrible and manipulated person I am, but I know the truth. I was never after you money all I wanted was you. You just didn’t want me, or my brothers for that matter.

I am truly not angry with you anymore. Just filled with sadness. When I see fathers with their children, I wished that were you. When I go to wedding and the bride is walked down the aisle with her father, I know that will never be me. You will never see me on my wedding day, or when I have children. You will miss out on my entire life and it’s all your choice. I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you have 3 amazing children who you barely even know. Sorry for the fact that you never tried to know us. We will be better people without you in our lives, but you will be for the worse now that we’re not.