Forgiving myself so I can move forward

For months I have been in a deep dark hole. Call it depression, call it the winter blues, a funk, whatever fits the bill. Either way I haven't been myself and I didn't know how to pull myself out of this hole I was in. I was mortified that I had gained close to 20 pounds since October. The fact that what was once a loose fitting pair of jeans no longer fit was horrifying to me.


But I wasn't doing anything about it. I was wearing leggings and dresses and cardigans to hid the bulge of my stomach. I was eating whatever I wanted. While I was keeping up with my workouts, it was clear I couldn't run at my normal pace and keep up the way I used to. This extra weight was/is pulling my down literally and mentally.

Then I took a deep look at myself. I've lost over close to 120 pounds, and while I've gained about 20 of those pounds back, I know without a shadow of a doubt I will never let myself become 300 pounds again. Seeing me close to 200 pounds was enough for me to take notice and start to do something about it.

Then I realized that I need to give myself a break. Everyone slips. This is the first time in the 2plus years I've been on this lifestyle that I've slipped up. There are articles upon articles about how common it is for people to gain their weight back. Even the people on that shows the biggest loser gain some weight back, or more sometimes.

It doesn't mean we've failed. It shows that we are all human. Life throws curveballs at us all the time. This is a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. And that journey will have it's ups and downs. And while I can try to prevent it, sometimes it's just too hard.

Which is why I'm going to forgive myself for gaining this weight.

I need to realize this was a blip on my journey. And it does not take away from the fact that I've still lost a hundred pounds. I DID that. All on my own, I can absolutely handle getting these pesky 20 pounds back off.

So starting today is the next phase of my journey. Where I acknowledge that I'm human and vulnerable. That it's okay that I gained this weight. That in the end it's just going to make me a stronger person. It's teaching me a much needed lesson that I never ever want to go back to the person I was. I am miserable with this extra weight, I could not imagine how I would feel weighing 300 pounds again.

I am strong, I am beautiful, and I know I can do this again and again if I have too.

One Step Forward Two Steps back

The good stuff first. I had my first therapy session yesterday and it went pretty well. It was mostly intake and talking about what I would like to get out of therapy in the long run. I felt comfortable with her and I am hoping good stuff comes out of it. Already she's had two great ideas for me to explore that I never thought of.

First with the job stuff, she told me I should look into shadowing a bakery and maybe working part time there to see if it's something I would really want to do in the long run. Instead of even jumping head first into going back to school, test the waters so to speak. Which is something I really feel like I should have thought of myself. haha. I've already reached out to a few places and will hopefully hear back from them soon.

Next is my weight. I was telling her about how much day to day my weight can change. It's crazy sometimes and I've always felt like it can't be normal. I mean take for example, on Friday I weighed myself and then on Monday morning when I weighed myself I was NINE pounds heavier. That's not even remotely possible to have truly gained that much weight. The amount of calories I would have had to consume to gain that isn't possible for me. So she mentioned I may want to look into having my hormones checked. That when people lose a lot of weight, their hormones can become unbalanced. That actually would make a lot of sense for me. I'm going to make an appointment soon with my doctor to start having that checked out.

With the good comes the bad though. My car alarm has been going off randomly for months. For no reason. It was becoming more and more frequent to the point where I stopped locking my car. I had to get my oil changed so I figured I would have that looked at. $800 dollars later, not only did I need oil, I needed new tires, alignment, and something with my transmission. UGH!! Not to mention, they had NO idea what is wrong with the alarm and I ended up having to take it to a dealership today. Which is going to be another $200. It wouldn't be so bad normally, but a few days before I just booked a trip to Mexico with my friend in April. So in less than a week I've essentially just added $2,000 worth of debt to my credit card. AKA my plan to pay off my credit card in May, is going to take a little longer now.

It's just annoying when these unexpected costs pop up like this. It's a source of frustration and anxiety about paying off my debt. I was doing so good too. I do have some savings that I might dip into a little bit to take some of this weight off my shoulders. But I hate touching it because I want to for when I buy a house or something big. But I think if I take $1,000 from there and hopefully with my tax check in April, I can get back to where I was and back on track.