Funny How things work out

A week ago today I was laid off from my job. Normally this would be a bad this to happen to someone. However this was the best thing to ever happen to me!!

Since I was planning on quitting in August to go back to school, they actually did me a huge favor. I was dying having to work there, knowing I would be leaving soon. It's not a fun place to work anymore and it was just making me miserable. When I was laid off they gave me severance that brings me to when I would have quit anyway. It was a sign.

Best part, is I will be able to collect unemployment while I am at school. That is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Knowing that I will have some money come in while I am at school makes me feel better. I don't have to worry about paying for my bills and now I can even save up some money.

Now I can enjoy the rest of my summer and do whatever I want before reality sets back in again for me. Ever since I started this journey to find my passion and what I want to do for the rest of my life, I have been overwhelmed by signs and basically being pushed into this direction. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know what I'm doing and I'm happy with my choices.

I never thought I would find that thing, that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It seems though I've finally found it and I couldn't be happier. Now that's not to say things won't change in the future. I may want to become something totally different again, but what I know now is, that's okay. I will be okay, no matter what happens. Even something as terrible as being laid off, happens to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am so excited to go back to school and learn new things! I cannot wait for this adventure to begin.

My last year in my 20s!

Friday is my 29th Birthday!! While I am so so happy to say good riddance to 28, it has been a shitty year, I am nervous about being 29. Only because I'm making so many changes in my life that I sometimes wish I was younger than I am. Going back to school at 29, for something completely new is terrifying.

It's also something I know without a doubt the right move for me right now. And I know that I would have never been able to pursue baking and culinary without having gone through what I've been through in the past. I find it ironic that I took me losing over a 100 pounds to discover my passion in cooking, but it's true.

When I was heavy I couldn't imagine standing up for long periods of time. Hell I wouldn't even go out to bars when I was overweight for fear of not being able to find a seat. Me losing weight has opened up an entire new world for me. And oddly I'm not even a little bit worried that I'll gain this weight back by becoming a baker. I know better now, I know how to enjoy myself and find balance with my eating.

Growing up, I never pictured myself with a desk job. I wanted to be a makeup artist, a photographer, a chef, anything that was non-traditional. My mom and my fears forced me to study something more realistic when choosing a major in college. It was fear that made me stay stagnant for many years. Fear of the unknown. Fear of actually succeeding and not knowing what to do next. Fear of being happy for once in my life.

I had a lot of growing up to do, and learning to love and accept myself in order to go after what I want in life. That took roughly 28 years to get here, and that was the way it had to happen. I'm still scared of what's to come, but I know to trust myself now and to go forward. I know that even in failure, I'll be able to pick myself back up again and move on. I know how strong I can be and that is worth everything.

As a gift to myself for 29, I'm taking my birthday and all of next week off from work!! WHOOO HOOO! I cannot wait to relax and hopefully enjoy a lot of beach time! Happy 4th of July if I don't check back in while I'm gone.

Waiting Game

There is a date in the future, when (not to be dramatic or anything) my entire life will change. Knowing it's there and still a little ways away give me conflicting feelings on a day to day basis.

That day will be my last day of a 9-5 desk job. When I step into the complete unknown and go back to school to start an entirely new path of my life. It's terrifying but so exciting all at the same time. I'm still not 100 percent sure I'm making the right decision, but the excitement I get when I think about it, tells me I'm definitely on the right track.

However waiting for my last day, which is still 3 months away, it's excruciatingly painful. Knowing I have to be here until then is really rough. The days feel endless and like August will never get here. Despite that I've been trying to enjoy my coworkers while I can. I will miss them terribly. They are a big reason why I've been here as long as I have. Having true friends that you work with and you can confide in are really hard to come by. I know this all too well so I want to enjoy them for as long as I can.

Right now I'm not that scared or nervous about what I'm doing. It's still a good distance away for me to not really notice. I know that when those last days are fast approaching, I will get that anxiety and second guess myself. I am so so thankful that my mother has been so supportive of me. If it wasn't for her telling me that no matter what it's going to be okay, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to go through with this. My family and friends who know that it's coming have all been equally supportive for the most part (minus my supposed best friend).

I'm just so excited to get started!!!! I hate waiting; I'm a very impatient person. haha. Never in my life have I wanted to fast forward through summer before, but I just can't wait to start this new chapter in my life!! Although I fully plan on taking advantage of this summer and make it one of the best ever!

Putting things into Perspective

So I disappeared for a couple of weeks. My life was turned upside down and I'm still coming to gripes with everything that's happened.

Long story short (because I can't really talk about it all yet), my dad's sister and one of her daughters died very suddenly. They were killed in a house fire. Which is really and truly beyond horrifying for me to even imagine still. It shocked me to my core. Not only am I extremely upset at this loss, it brought up a whole bunch of other issues I wasn't quite ready to deal with.

I have mentioned in the past on here, that I do not have a relationship with my father. Before this I haven't seen him in over 8 years. As hard as it is to explain; the lack of relationship isn't really a bad thing to me anymore. It is what it is. He and my mom divorced when I was 12. I didn't speak with him for a long long time because of everything that happened after. When I was in college I reached out to him. Despite my best efforts it just wasn't working out. He wasn't being a dad for me still. I had finally realized that having him in my life was making me sad and depressed, and it was just time for me to let it go. I haven't really looked back since. Don't get me wrong, I still think of him from time to time. And I miss the fact that I never really had a dad in my life or will in the future.

It's also definitely messed with me in terms of having a serious relationship in my life. I am terrified of getting hurt by a man I love. So I keep them at a distance. This is something I have been working on but I'm a work in progress for sure.

Since my parents divorce I've rarely seen anyone on my dad's side of the family. I think in part it was because they really didn't know how to maintain a relationship with us. Especially considering none of us spoke with my dad. The last time I saw most of them was well over 10 years. The thought of seeing all of them (there are a lot of them) at a wake, was just almost too much for me to handle. Then add the fact that I would be seeing my dad. I was a wreck. And despite not having seen my aunt or cousin in years, I was/am really sad about them passing. No one should die that young. My cousin was only 27.

I was afraid of what my dad or my family would say to me. If they would be mean toward me or what. Thankfully my brother came with me and we faced it head on. My whole family was welcoming and touched that we came to pay our respects. My dad was a shock to see. He has aged greatly since the last time I saw him and does not look like he's in good health. It was extremely awkward at first being with him. But I feel like in the end it was almost like closure. I've finally realized that he is in my past. He'll always be my dad and I will always love him because he's my father, but other than that. I am truly okay that he's not apart of my life. And I now know I can face seeing him without falling to pieces.

Having this tragic event happen has put everything I've been struggling with lately into perspective. Life is so short and so precious that I cannot waste anymore time with it. Dealing with the deteriotion of my friendship with my best friend, and realizing that I will be just fine if she's no longer in my life. Not taking offence to the fact that she basically planned her entire wedding in a week and didn't tell me a word about it. I now realize we are just two very different people in very different parts of our lives. And she is just selfish and isn't being malicious toward me when she doesn't tell me anything. That's just her now.

With regards to my career, I have to just go for it. I'll deeply regret not trying at the very least becoming a baker. Again life is too damn short for me to not be living every second of it. I have officially applied to the college to become a student come this fall. I'll keep you posted on that!

Update on my baking!

So the baking has been going good so far! I've been taking it slowly. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. Step by step I'm taking this thing. People seem to be really responding to my goodies though! Everyone's who have tried it so far has really really enjoyed them!

A friend of mine went and bought some and posted a picture on facebook. And a friend of hers really wants to try them out, so I've contacted her and told her I can make her a batch just for herself! Hopefully that'll work out. This gluten free/vegan thing is a great thing for me to hitch onto. A lot of people are being more health conscious but they still want to enjoy treats as well.

Here are pictures of what I've made so far.

Above are the Sunflower Honey Oat Bars

And these are the Vegan Chocolate Truffles. I could not tell the difference between these and regular truffles. They are so yummy!



Also in less than 2 weeks I'll be taking a tour of the culinary school near here to find out more information. I'm finding it really hard to be going against the grain right now though. So many people are so supportive of me, but there are just as many who are afraid for me. They are all about me going after another desk job that'll pay me tons of money. They just don't understand that I want to do something that will make me happy. I don't care about the money right now. I just want to make a living at something I can be proud of.

A Wonderful Opportunity

Something amazing has happened. A friend of a friend reached out to me last week, saying that she had heard about my interest in becoming a baker. She owns a juice bar and offered me a chance to make healthy treats to sell to their customers. She's said she has tried it in the past but just doesn't have the time herself to make any and whenever they do have something available her clients go crazy for them.

So over the weekend I tested out two recipes and brought them over to her. I had made Vegan Chocolate Truffles and Honey Nut Oat Bars (vegan and gluten free). She loved them!! And she told me that her customers really enjoyed them too! Which means we are going to try this out and I'm going to start making her goodies to sell!!

I am over the moon excited.

If this isn't a sign, then I don't know what is!! I don't always believe in signs, but this one is smacking me in the face! It's the push I needed to actually move forward with this new career of mine. I've even made an appointment to tour the culinary school near me in the next few weeks!

I feel like things are finally starting to come together. The skies are clearing up and my life is getting a little less foggy then they've been. I've even started to slowly lose weight again! It's still scary and terrifying for me, but almost in a good way now. I'm just going to try and enjoy this ride I'm on and see how it plays out.

I know that this new opportunity may not work out, and I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm just so excited to have a reason to bake something and make it for others to enjoy!

When I met her she asked me what I'll call myself. At first it was going to be my last name Confections. But I didn't love it. Now I'm thinking Carolyn's Confections; CC's for short. What do you think?

One Step Forward Two Steps back

The good stuff first. I had my first therapy session yesterday and it went pretty well. It was mostly intake and talking about what I would like to get out of therapy in the long run. I felt comfortable with her and I am hoping good stuff comes out of it. Already she's had two great ideas for me to explore that I never thought of.

First with the job stuff, she told me I should look into shadowing a bakery and maybe working part time there to see if it's something I would really want to do in the long run. Instead of even jumping head first into going back to school, test the waters so to speak. Which is something I really feel like I should have thought of myself. haha. I've already reached out to a few places and will hopefully hear back from them soon.

Next is my weight. I was telling her about how much day to day my weight can change. It's crazy sometimes and I've always felt like it can't be normal. I mean take for example, on Friday I weighed myself and then on Monday morning when I weighed myself I was NINE pounds heavier. That's not even remotely possible to have truly gained that much weight. The amount of calories I would have had to consume to gain that isn't possible for me. So she mentioned I may want to look into having my hormones checked. That when people lose a lot of weight, their hormones can become unbalanced. That actually would make a lot of sense for me. I'm going to make an appointment soon with my doctor to start having that checked out.

With the good comes the bad though. My car alarm has been going off randomly for months. For no reason. It was becoming more and more frequent to the point where I stopped locking my car. I had to get my oil changed so I figured I would have that looked at. $800 dollars later, not only did I need oil, I needed new tires, alignment, and something with my transmission. UGH!! Not to mention, they had NO idea what is wrong with the alarm and I ended up having to take it to a dealership today. Which is going to be another $200. It wouldn't be so bad normally, but a few days before I just booked a trip to Mexico with my friend in April. So in less than a week I've essentially just added $2,000 worth of debt to my credit card. AKA my plan to pay off my credit card in May, is going to take a little longer now.

It's just annoying when these unexpected costs pop up like this. It's a source of frustration and anxiety about paying off my debt. I was doing so good too. I do have some savings that I might dip into a little bit to take some of this weight off my shoulders. But I hate touching it because I want to for when I buy a house or something big. But I think if I take $1,000 from there and hopefully with my tax check in April, I can get back to where I was and back on track.