Out of debt!! (Sort of)

Prior to my getting let go from work, I was working hard to pay off my credit card. I was getting close, but it seemed like it was never gonna happen. I was able to pay of my car about a month before I was laid off, so I had that off my shoulders.

Then I was laid off, which is still the biggest blessing that could have happened to me. I can't help but be so happy lately. Anyway with the severance I received, I was able to fully pay off my credit card!!! And put a good chunk into savings!

Whooo hoooo!!!

It feels great to be out of debt like this. Granted I'm not out of the hole though. I still have my student loans which I'll be paying off for a while still, but at least that's "good" credit and I won't have to pay them while I'm back at school in September.

It's a great weight that's been lifted off my shoulders. Things are moving forward in the right direction and I can't wait for it to keep moving forward. I'm like a kid, who cannot wait for school to start soon! I never ever thought I would say that after college, but it's the truth!

For now I'm just enjoying my summer and soaking up the sun!

Funny How things work out

A week ago today I was laid off from my job. Normally this would be a bad this to happen to someone. However this was the best thing to ever happen to me!!

Since I was planning on quitting in August to go back to school, they actually did me a huge favor. I was dying having to work there, knowing I would be leaving soon. It's not a fun place to work anymore and it was just making me miserable. When I was laid off they gave me severance that brings me to when I would have quit anyway. It was a sign.

Best part, is I will be able to collect unemployment while I am at school. That is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Knowing that I will have some money come in while I am at school makes me feel better. I don't have to worry about paying for my bills and now I can even save up some money.

Now I can enjoy the rest of my summer and do whatever I want before reality sets back in again for me. Ever since I started this journey to find my passion and what I want to do for the rest of my life, I have been overwhelmed by signs and basically being pushed into this direction. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know what I'm doing and I'm happy with my choices.

I never thought I would find that thing, that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It seems though I've finally found it and I couldn't be happier. Now that's not to say things won't change in the future. I may want to become something totally different again, but what I know now is, that's okay. I will be okay, no matter what happens. Even something as terrible as being laid off, happens to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am so excited to go back to school and learn new things! I cannot wait for this adventure to begin.

Putting things into Perspective

So I disappeared for a couple of weeks. My life was turned upside down and I'm still coming to gripes with everything that's happened.

Long story short (because I can't really talk about it all yet), my dad's sister and one of her daughters died very suddenly. They were killed in a house fire. Which is really and truly beyond horrifying for me to even imagine still. It shocked me to my core. Not only am I extremely upset at this loss, it brought up a whole bunch of other issues I wasn't quite ready to deal with.

I have mentioned in the past on here, that I do not have a relationship with my father. Before this I haven't seen him in over 8 years. As hard as it is to explain; the lack of relationship isn't really a bad thing to me anymore. It is what it is. He and my mom divorced when I was 12. I didn't speak with him for a long long time because of everything that happened after. When I was in college I reached out to him. Despite my best efforts it just wasn't working out. He wasn't being a dad for me still. I had finally realized that having him in my life was making me sad and depressed, and it was just time for me to let it go. I haven't really looked back since. Don't get me wrong, I still think of him from time to time. And I miss the fact that I never really had a dad in my life or will in the future.

It's also definitely messed with me in terms of having a serious relationship in my life. I am terrified of getting hurt by a man I love. So I keep them at a distance. This is something I have been working on but I'm a work in progress for sure.

Since my parents divorce I've rarely seen anyone on my dad's side of the family. I think in part it was because they really didn't know how to maintain a relationship with us. Especially considering none of us spoke with my dad. The last time I saw most of them was well over 10 years. The thought of seeing all of them (there are a lot of them) at a wake, was just almost too much for me to handle. Then add the fact that I would be seeing my dad. I was a wreck. And despite not having seen my aunt or cousin in years, I was/am really sad about them passing. No one should die that young. My cousin was only 27.

I was afraid of what my dad or my family would say to me. If they would be mean toward me or what. Thankfully my brother came with me and we faced it head on. My whole family was welcoming and touched that we came to pay our respects. My dad was a shock to see. He has aged greatly since the last time I saw him and does not look like he's in good health. It was extremely awkward at first being with him. But I feel like in the end it was almost like closure. I've finally realized that he is in my past. He'll always be my dad and I will always love him because he's my father, but other than that. I am truly okay that he's not apart of my life. And I now know I can face seeing him without falling to pieces.

Having this tragic event happen has put everything I've been struggling with lately into perspective. Life is so short and so precious that I cannot waste anymore time with it. Dealing with the deteriotion of my friendship with my best friend, and realizing that I will be just fine if she's no longer in my life. Not taking offence to the fact that she basically planned her entire wedding in a week and didn't tell me a word about it. I now realize we are just two very different people in very different parts of our lives. And she is just selfish and isn't being malicious toward me when she doesn't tell me anything. That's just her now.

With regards to my career, I have to just go for it. I'll deeply regret not trying at the very least becoming a baker. Again life is too damn short for me to not be living every second of it. I have officially applied to the college to become a student come this fall. I'll keep you posted on that!

Update on my baking!

So the baking has been going good so far! I've been taking it slowly. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. Step by step I'm taking this thing. People seem to be really responding to my goodies though! Everyone's who have tried it so far has really really enjoyed them!

A friend of mine went and bought some and posted a picture on facebook. And a friend of hers really wants to try them out, so I've contacted her and told her I can make her a batch just for herself! Hopefully that'll work out. This gluten free/vegan thing is a great thing for me to hitch onto. A lot of people are being more health conscious but they still want to enjoy treats as well.

Here are pictures of what I've made so far.

Above are the Sunflower Honey Oat Bars

And these are the Vegan Chocolate Truffles. I could not tell the difference between these and regular truffles. They are so yummy!



Also in less than 2 weeks I'll be taking a tour of the culinary school near here to find out more information. I'm finding it really hard to be going against the grain right now though. So many people are so supportive of me, but there are just as many who are afraid for me. They are all about me going after another desk job that'll pay me tons of money. They just don't understand that I want to do something that will make me happy. I don't care about the money right now. I just want to make a living at something I can be proud of.

A Wonderful Opportunity

Something amazing has happened. A friend of a friend reached out to me last week, saying that she had heard about my interest in becoming a baker. She owns a juice bar and offered me a chance to make healthy treats to sell to their customers. She's said she has tried it in the past but just doesn't have the time herself to make any and whenever they do have something available her clients go crazy for them.

So over the weekend I tested out two recipes and brought them over to her. I had made Vegan Chocolate Truffles and Honey Nut Oat Bars (vegan and gluten free). She loved them!! And she told me that her customers really enjoyed them too! Which means we are going to try this out and I'm going to start making her goodies to sell!!

I am over the moon excited.

If this isn't a sign, then I don't know what is!! I don't always believe in signs, but this one is smacking me in the face! It's the push I needed to actually move forward with this new career of mine. I've even made an appointment to tour the culinary school near me in the next few weeks!

I feel like things are finally starting to come together. The skies are clearing up and my life is getting a little less foggy then they've been. I've even started to slowly lose weight again! It's still scary and terrifying for me, but almost in a good way now. I'm just going to try and enjoy this ride I'm on and see how it plays out.

I know that this new opportunity may not work out, and I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm just so excited to have a reason to bake something and make it for others to enjoy!

When I met her she asked me what I'll call myself. At first it was going to be my last name Confections. But I didn't love it. Now I'm thinking Carolyn's Confections; CC's for short. What do you think?

One Step Forward Two Steps back

The good stuff first. I had my first therapy session yesterday and it went pretty well. It was mostly intake and talking about what I would like to get out of therapy in the long run. I felt comfortable with her and I am hoping good stuff comes out of it. Already she's had two great ideas for me to explore that I never thought of.

First with the job stuff, she told me I should look into shadowing a bakery and maybe working part time there to see if it's something I would really want to do in the long run. Instead of even jumping head first into going back to school, test the waters so to speak. Which is something I really feel like I should have thought of myself. haha. I've already reached out to a few places and will hopefully hear back from them soon.

Next is my weight. I was telling her about how much day to day my weight can change. It's crazy sometimes and I've always felt like it can't be normal. I mean take for example, on Friday I weighed myself and then on Monday morning when I weighed myself I was NINE pounds heavier. That's not even remotely possible to have truly gained that much weight. The amount of calories I would have had to consume to gain that isn't possible for me. So she mentioned I may want to look into having my hormones checked. That when people lose a lot of weight, their hormones can become unbalanced. That actually would make a lot of sense for me. I'm going to make an appointment soon with my doctor to start having that checked out.

With the good comes the bad though. My car alarm has been going off randomly for months. For no reason. It was becoming more and more frequent to the point where I stopped locking my car. I had to get my oil changed so I figured I would have that looked at. $800 dollars later, not only did I need oil, I needed new tires, alignment, and something with my transmission. UGH!! Not to mention, they had NO idea what is wrong with the alarm and I ended up having to take it to a dealership today. Which is going to be another $200. It wouldn't be so bad normally, but a few days before I just booked a trip to Mexico with my friend in April. So in less than a week I've essentially just added $2,000 worth of debt to my credit card. AKA my plan to pay off my credit card in May, is going to take a little longer now.

It's just annoying when these unexpected costs pop up like this. It's a source of frustration and anxiety about paying off my debt. I was doing so good too. I do have some savings that I might dip into a little bit to take some of this weight off my shoulders. But I hate touching it because I want to for when I buy a house or something big. But I think if I take $1,000 from there and hopefully with my tax check in April, I can get back to where I was and back on track.

The sign of the times

The company I work for laid off a bunch of people yesterday. It was bound to happened sooner or later, we’ve all noticed the drop in the amount of work we had. Thankfully, my job is still securely intact but I do feel bad for the people who were let go. It also makes me even more grateful that I got a raise at all this year.

I have also put the whole job search on hold for a while. All the websites that list jobs don’t have very many listings and now is not the time to be trying to move to a different field. I just have to wait for things to pickup before I start actively looking again.

For now I’m just going to concentrate on the job I have and not give my employers any reason to want to let me go. In reality I should have been the one to go yesterday because I’ve been here the least amount of time. Thankfully my boss went with who does their job better and I was able to keep my job.

Are you hiring??

Is it bad that after having 12 days off from work I am already looking forward to when I can take my next vacation?? I really wish I wasn’t like this. I am just so frustrated with my job. I’ve been back for only 4 days and already I can’t stand being back. I know I’ve mentioned this many times before, and I’m getting just as tired of it as you are probably with reading about it. But honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

It’s not just what I do here that I don’t like it’s the people. There is zero sense of camaraderie here. Everyone is plugged into their ipods or to busy making personal calls to befriend anyone. Plus my boss shows zero appreciation for all the extra work I do. Not only that but he is now actually criticizing my work that I do.

According to him I should not be making any mistakes, even small ones, EVER. Never mind the fact that I have triple the amount of work as other people. Maybe if he broke up the work a little bit I would be able to do my job much better. I hate the fact that I’m starting to slip but I literally just cannot handle this amount of work. I’m not capable. Even though I have tried to drop hints, subtle and not so subtle, he is just not doing it. He always tells me he will eventually do it, and then the whole month passes by. When will it happen??

I fear that when it comes time for my performance review, it won’t be that great because of this bullshit. You can bet your ass though that if it isn’t good I will speak up. I hate confrontation but I will not let them walk all over me.

I’ve been looking for a new job but really nothing has been peaking my interest and those that do I’m not getting any calls back from. What am I doing wrong? I know the economy is tough but geez. When am I going to get a break?

While I am scared that I won’t be able to find a good job anytime soon there is another thing I’m really scared of. Making the wrong move. What if I find a new job, take it and I hate it just as much as I hate it here? I understand in order to find what truly makes you happy there will be a certain amount of missteps, but I really don’t want to make another one when it comes to my career. I want my next career move to be the right one.

I’m just so frustrated and over the whole thing.

Anniversary

Exactly one year ago I started this job. I cannot believe that I have been here for a whole year. I didn’t think I would still be here. I realized this place wasn’t for me within a month of starting here. I promised myself that I would be out in six months. That never happened. Life got in the way. The economy went into the crapper and I couldn’t figure out what to do next. So instead of actively looking for a job, I got scared and I just continued working.

I’m still scared and I still don’t know what to do next. Which is why I’m still not actively searching. Sure, I send out a resume here and there but my heart isn’t into it. I’m really scared that I will still be here come next year. I am stuck and I don’t know what to do.

I really wish that I could just snap out of this and figure out what the hell I should be doing. I need more time to figure this out. However, I don’t really have time to figure it out when I am gone from 7:30 in the morning to 8:30 at night. I’m so busy with this job that I can’t see straight.

I’m really tempted to go back to school. But I don’t know what I should do. I have some ideas, but I’m afraid I will pick the wrong major. Like I did last time. I know that working in this field is not for me. The typical 9-5 job, or in my case 10-7, is not for me. I do not want to sit in front of a computer anymore.

I need to talk this out with someone but I really don’t know who or even how. It cannot be my mother because we are so opposite. I know EXACTLY what she will say to me and it’s not what I want. She can’t just listen and give output. Instead she interrupts and criticizes. I’ve tried that and I’m not trying again. I can talk to my friends, but they are either in a career that they love and wouldn’t understand or they are just as lost as me. ARRGH. I am so frustrated about this and this day makes it that much worse.

I did not want to still be here after a year. But here I am. Now I feel like there is a ticking bomb just waiting to go off. I feel more pressure then ever to figure out my next move and just do it already. If I want to go back to school, I would need to have if settled really soon if I wanted to start in January. If I go the other way and just try to find a new job, I don’t want to be here any longer then necessary.

I have a lot to figure out, and not a lot of time to do it. I had no idea this would be so hard and frustrating. I thought my twenties were going to be amazing and carefree. Turns out there is a lot of work involved.

A new leaf

Yesterday I mentioned that I had taken Friday off. What I forgot to say was how many jobs I applied to. Usually when the weekend comes I am so sick of looking at a computer that I don’t even turn it on. Since it was Friday and not technically the weekend I had no problem turning on my computer and applying to job after job. It was great! I felt so productive. Now? I am worried that no one will get in touch with me. Which, lets face it, is a serious possibility with the entire country in turmoil right now. Even though I know this, I can’t help but take it personally when no one replies back to me. There used to be a time (way before mine) that no matter what, someone would get back to you. Even if it was just to tell you they weren’t interested. Now with the Internet and thousands of applicants that’s not the case anymore. I still wish it were. I take almost everything personally, especially someone not getting back to me.

I really need thicker skin. If this keeps up I will get discouraged easily and stop applying for jobs. That’s the last thing I want to do. Any tips on how to keep my head up? Or how to stand out to potential employers?

All in all, I just want to get on with the next chapter in my life. For some reason I feel like it will be great. I didn’t feel this way before when I first started applying for jobs. I don’t know why but it just feels different and I know I won’t make the same mistakes. I’ll just make new ones, and I can’t wait for it!

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
~Alan Cohen

Remember me?

I have been the worst blogger lately. Last week was a mess, followed by me getting really sick on Thursday and I didn’t start feeling any better until Saturday. My weekend was a bust also. I had a lot of plans and didn’t accomplish almost all of them. I also told myself I was going to start applying for jobs and that didn’t happen either. When did I become so counter-productive?? I mean I actually attempted to apply for job. I went on a few job sites and looked around but I didn’t really see anything that interested me and I refuse to apply to another job that I know I will be miserable in. But I feel like I didn’t search hard enough.

Also I forgot how much it sucks to write cover letters. I feel like all of mine are so generic and people can just read right through them. Ugh. It’s so frustrating! I never know what to say. I want to sound interested and genuine but not desperate and/or sound like every other cover letter out there. I am actually trying to write one now and I am stuck. Really really stuck. I’m to the point where I can’t really bear going to work anymore, but I know I can’t quit until I find a job so I want a new one like yesterday.

Just thinking about this makes my anxiety go crazy. I just wish there was a road map or just someone to tell me to start HERE. You know? Then last night we had a couple of people over and they all talking about how much they lover their jobs and can’t wait to go to work tomorrow and blah blah blah. It got me even more frustrated because that’s what I want to be like. I don’t care about money; I just want a job that I look forward to. Is that really too much to ask for??

P.S. Happy fall everyone! I cannot believe that it is already fall!

Pity Party Time

Lately I feel like I have nothing to blog about. Which is strange because last week was kind of a crazy week for me and I still didn’t feel that it was blog worthy. Also a lot of it had to do with work and if I talked about the one thing I wanted to talk about you could figure out where I work. That sentence just made zero sense to you. Moving on.

I think what may be the problem is that I’m starting to accept my very bland life. I hate that it is happening but I can’t seem to stop it. Yes I still hate my job, but at the same the company has really nice perks and the girl I’m sitting next to is becoming a good acquaintance. We’re not quite friends, but we are work buddies. That makes the day suck just a little bit less. Also, I’m not looking for a job. Every time I do there very little out there and what I can find doesn’t really interest me. It was depressing, so I’ve stopped. I told myself that I will start seriously searching again in September when things pick up and there are more jobs. I am very afraid that October will roll around, I will have no job, and I will have been working at this place for 1 year! I really don’t want that to happen. Even if I am starting to like the people a little more and I don’t feel like killing myself in the morning I know that this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The question still remains. What do I want to do??? I still have no idea. How is that possible??????? I am getting really upset about this. I feel like a lot of people say this but I don’t believe them. Even if they don’t know what they want to do, most have an idea or a direction that they will start at. I don’t have an idea. I have like 10 ideas. Maybe I’m a nomad and will just end up jumping from job to job. I really don’t want to do that. Why can’t I just be normal and pick something and stay with it.

I’ve been seriously considering going back to school for a masters. Yes it will cost me a lot more money, but at the same time it will help me clear my head and figure out what I want to do. Now there are 2 options. Option one go and get my masters in Social Work. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would do well in that field. Option two is go to school for photography. I love taking pictures and want to learn as much as I can about it. I’m afraid that I would either suck at it or have a really hard time getting a job in it. I don’t know what to do. I also keep going back to wanting to work at either a makeup company or doing makeup for weddings. AHHHHHH. You see?? I literally can’t make up my mind. I was only supposed to put 2 options and I ended with 3. If I had not realized this I probably would have kept going. I need help. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I obviously cannot pick my own future.

I thought by writing this post I would have more clarity about things, but have now ended up more frustrated then ever. Maybe this is why I haven’t wanted to write in a while. I was pushing this down and my mind decided to just ignore all this and pretend that everything is okay. IT IS NOT. I need to stop being lazy and figure out what the hell I am doing with my life.

Glory days

Yesterday’s list actually did make me feel better and also reminded me how much I love that book. I think I might read it again soon. It also got me thinking about the jobs I’ve held in the past. The job I have now is my first official “grown-up job”. I commute to work; sit behind a computer all day in my cubicle that isn’t really a cubicle because it is wide open and no privacy what so ever. Anyway I was thinking about the jobs I did in high school and college before I graduated.

The best job I ever had was when I was a lifeguard at the local pool club. I did that for four summers before all my friends and I decided that we were to cool to work there anymore. By the way, I seriously wish I had stayed for a least another year after that. I probably worked there more then I do at the job I currently have. But I didn’t mind because I had a great circle of friends and I was outside the whole day. I got a killer tan and I was in the best shape of my life (we had to swim 500 yards everyday).I would get there at 8:30, teach swim lessons until noon, lifeguard until about 3:30 and then teach a few more classes until 6ish. I was non-stop and I didn’t even realize.

It didn’t feel like work. I loved teaching swim lessons, and while watching the pool I always had a friend to talk to. On the weekend I would go to the beach and then hang out with my work friends. It started to get really cliquey toward the end, which is one of the reasons I left, to much drama and people would actually get mad at you when you hung out with someone else outside work. Anyway my point is I worked a lot that summer, and working at the job I have now I freak out if I have to stay a few minutes later a work. What happened between then and now? I fly out the door each night, but when I was there sometimes I would hang around after my shift had ended.

Let’s fast forward now to when I decided to stop working there and I got a job at the YMCA. The job was easy and in the summer time no one goes there because they would all rather be outside. However I did not like that job. I was stuck inside all day, while my friends went to the beach.

I never liked the idea of having to be stuck inside all day at my job. In college when it came time to choose a major (there was more than one) I always went for a job that didn’t require me being stuck behind a desk all the time. Originally I thought I was either going to be a physical therapist or a speech pathologist. Both don’t really require a desk or computer. When I realized that neither was really for me, I changed to public relations. While that does require going to the office everyday, but there is so much more to it. There are events, press meetings, traveling, etc. To me it seemed to be the perfect balance between your typical cubicle work and having being able to get out there. I would never feel trapped. Even when I did an internship with a PR agency, I was always behind a computer but I loved what I was doing and I especially liked the people I was working with.

This made me realize 2 things that I absolutely must have in my next job if and when I finally get one.

1. I need to have a support system of friends (this is probably true for everyone) at the place I currently work at everyone keeps to themselves and there is barely any interaction (most people have their ipods on). I can’t say I have one true friend here and that makes me sad.
2. I need to find a job that doesn’t require me to be sitting behind a computer all day. I need to be able to get out, or at least have the opportunity to get out of the place. Which is why jobs like being a makeup artist, photographer and even a social work (I know I am random) appeal to me so much. They aren’t your typical 9-5 Office Space kind of job.

What do you do when your future stares right at you?

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. My boss occasionally sends out e-mails of new job openings in the office. I usually just ignore them because the last thing I want to do it apply for a position I'm lukewarm about and have to commit myself to at least another year of working at a place I do not like. Today my boss IMed me asking if I got his recent e-mail about the job posting. I didn't want to say yes but there is no way I am applying so I just replied back with a cool "Yep". But seeing through my move he asked if I had any interest in the position? He had stumped me; I had no idea how to reply back. I just wrote back "Not sure" and then I typed, "I have to think about it" To which he told me to "think quickly." Obviously my boss wants me to apply for the position, which I am deeply flattered by. The new position is basically what I am doing now but I have a little more power in the whole process and my hours would be 9-6 instead of 10-7 which is a major plus. I'm not sure how different the salary would be but it would defiantly be more then the pathetic salary I am making now. Making this offer very tempting to me.

The downside? I know that this is not the career for me. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. While it would make me a little happier and would take the stress away from me having to look for a new job, I am still settling. What should I do? So I go for it to by myself some time? Or pass it up like all the others and look for something that truly interests me? The thing is if I go for this job and get it, I will basically be agreeing to working for this company for at least another year. I'm not sure if I can last that long. I know deep down I should just bite the bullet and start looking for a job elsewhere but something is preventing me from doing that. Am I setting myself up to be miserable? That's what I feel like I'm doing. Or maybe its just fear of the future and of the unknown. Either way I need to take a look inside and see what I should do. Any thoughts??