Taking Steps to make changes

Little by little I'm starting to realize what I want to be when I grow up.... but it's terrifying. And the steps I need to do it, are also overwhelming. It would mean going back to school for one thing.Which would mean quiting this job and finding (hopefully) a part time job to support myself while I go back.

Here's the thing. I love to cook, bake more specifically. And people have told me time and time again how amazing I am. People actually tell me I should open a bakery. However I have no training in cooking whatsoever. But I think this is something that could truly fulfill me. I know I would absolutely have to take some classes. I'm not dumb enough to just jump off a cliff without a parachute. But fear plagues me.

What if I actually end up hating it? Or I fail miserably? I won't be able to have health insurance at least for a while. Do I really want to work for myself? Anyway I've decided to at least test the waters.

The community college near me actually has a wonderful and well known culinary school. I'm going to meet with someone in admissions to just gather as much information as I can get. Find out the costs, when classes are usually held, how long it would take. All of that. I know I'll hate myself forever if I don't at least check it out.

I also made an appointment to see a therapist. Just to talk things out. I struggle a lot with my body image and I know I have severe body dismorphia. I thought I would just eventually learn to accept the new me, but it's taking a lot longer. I've been also gaining weight recently and I think it's a combination of stress and sabotaging myself. Hopefully this goes well.

Now that I look at this blog, I'm taking a lot of steps to a newer better me. And hopefully will continue to progress as time goes on!

Stepping Stones

Last week was filled with anxiety for me. Most of it for nothing.

I hate that I over think everything. I mean before making big decisions I go over every possible scenario in my head about what could happen. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. Now? I just can’t do that. If I don’t think things through my anxiety will go into over drive and I can’t handle that.

But sometimes I think I am too cautious about things. It’s like I’ve become afraid of LIVING. I know that sounds weird but seriously I feel like I’m stuck because my own fears are preventing me from doing anything worthwhile.

This past week was a big stepping stone for me. Actually it was a number of stepping stones. I know for others what I say won’t seem like a big deal but to me? It was a HUGE step for me to get out of myself imposed prison and start moving on and living.

The first step actually happened a few months back. A good friend of mine was getting married. She asked me to do a reading for her at the church. I was so honored at being thought of, but as soon as she asked I went into panic mode. The best way to describe would be to feel like all the blood left your head, your heart starts beating and you begin to tremble a little inside. That’s what my panic mode feels like.

Anyway I was so nervous that I of course had to go over all the possible ways I could embarrass myself. I could trip walking up, be so nervous that my voice shakes uncontrollably, or maybe even cry. However I didn’t want to let her down or think I was saying no because of her so I agreed. And then spent the next few weeks freaking out about it. I was so nervous.

The thing is, I kind of rock at Public Speaking. In high school and College I did great whenever I had to speak in front of classes and I had a professor in college once ask me to join the debate team. I am really good at speaking in public when there are a lot of people and I don’t know anyone. Throw in a people I know and love and all that confidence falls by the wayside.

I was determined to overcome this and do well for my friend. The day of I was surprising calm. Even when we got there I was okay. No panic mode, no nothing. Even walking up to the alter I felt fine. Once I got up to the podium I felt a little rush of adrenaline, but then I just dove in and did my reading.

And I rocked it! No shaking voice, no crying, walked with purpose and poise. It was great. I am proud of myself that I was able to face my fear and do something like this. I was just so happy to be a part of their day! Also, I felt a lot better when the second reader’s voice was a little shaky in the beginning of her reading and the other person who did the blessings started to cry!! I felt terrible for them, but also a little bit better that I wasn’t the only one nervous about speaking in public!