I’m back!!

It’s like forever since I last wrote a post. I wanted to write yesterday, but I was so busy at work that I barely had time to eat my lunch. Anyway, things are getting back to normal so I thought I would share a little about my vacation. It was AMAZING. Cabo is a really really amazing place. The weather was perfect the whole time. It was upper 80s to 90s, but since there is no humidity it was beautiful. They had these little huts on the beach, so if you got to hot, if you went under there it was cool and beautiful. The week flew by, don’t they always, but it was still perfect. The only little problem was the guy that I mentioned before that came. I am now convinced that he may actually be mentally ill. I have never met someone that is in capable of listening or processing what people say. I can’t even explain what he does. But if you say something, he will literally twist it around to be completely different. For example, we were out and he bought a beer and we calculated it and it turned out to only cost a $1.50 for a freaking corona! So we were like hey, that was really cheap! And he totally flipped out and yelled at us. All he kept saying was “Don’t start with me! Shut the F*** up!” Needless to say we all had no idea what the hell just happened. And then he wouldn’t talk to us for a while. Finally we were like hey what the hell is wrong with you, he was like I don’t need you guys to be ruining my time here. It took forever to explain what we actually said. It was completely ridiculous and the same things kept on happening the whole. At one point he said, “You guys are ruining my vacation experience.” And that was it, I told him that he wouldn’t be having a vacation experience if it wasn’t for me and to shut up so he can stop ruining mine. After that I just avoided him as much as I could. I am just glad that I will hopefully never have to deal with him again. Okay it’s actually getting busy again here. So hopefully tomorrow I will have time to tell you everything that I did and maybe put up some pictures!

Getting to know me

So I don’t really have anything to write about, but since I am about to go on vacation and won’t be posting for a while I decided to write a list of things about me. There are random and not so random facts about who I am. Enjoy!

• My parents separated when I was 12
• Their divorce wasn’t finalized until I was in high school (it was nasty)
• I thought my parents were blissfully happy
• My dad turned into a different person after he left my mom
• We no longer have a relationship (a long story for a different day)
• Even though the above seem like really sad stuff, I’m totally okay with it
• I truly believe I am a better person for all that’s happened to me
• I don’t like to talk about my past that much
• I hate when people pity me
• I’ve had 10 surgeries in my short life span
• 5 Knee surgeries (3 in one year)
• I will always have problems with my leg
• I used to be angry about that, but now just accept it as a fact of life
• 2 shoulder surgeries that happened almost exactly a year apart
• I’ve had tube in my ears – TWICE
• Have a lot of scar tissue that cause hearing problems some times
• And my appendix was taken out when I was 6
• I was the same height in the 7th grade as I am now
• Ditto for my shoe size
• When I stopped growing, my other friends finally started
• I am the only person in my immediate family that has blue eyes
• I have 3 older brothers
• One of them is my half brother who I haven’t seen in over 6 years, and talked to in over 10
• When people ask me how many siblings I had I used to say 2 because it stopped a long and confusing conversation from happening
• I still sometimes say just 2
• The beach is my favorite place in the world
• I am deathly afraid of jelly fish
• I wish I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life
• But feel comfort in the fact that there are many others out there just like me
• When I decide to do something, I always follow through
• I’ve been skydiving
• I have 2 tattoos
• I studied abroad in London
• I’ve visited various parts of France, Italy and Greece
• I went to Paris by myself not knowing one word of French
• It was my favorite trip I took
• I seriously considered moving to London before I realized I had no money
• I secretly pray to win the lottery
• I very rarely actually buy a lottery ticket cause it’s too sad when I don’t win
• I love my family
• I feel more of a kinship with my grandma than my own mother
• I would never tell my mom that cause it would kill her
• I consider my best friend to be my sister and soul mate
• I am obsessed with purses and shoes
• I spend way to much money on my bags
• I have very little faith in marriage and trust cause of what happened to my mom
• I have never been in a serious relationship
• I’m too scared that I’ll be hurt and turn into my mother
• I use my weight as an excuse as to why guys won’t date me
• I know that’s not true, but use it as a shield anyway
• I went to therapy when I was in college, but stopped after I graduated
• I don’t feel like going to see someone else, cause then I would have to start all over again.
• Amazingly I am truly no longer depressed,
• I still have anger and anxiety issues I need to deal with
• Writing is my outlet for these things (hence the name of my blog)
• I’m too scared to post of lot of things on my blog,
• for fear of people either recognizing me or what they might think
• I also fear that people will judge me on my blog, cause it’s so self indulgent
• I know that’s stupid, cause isn’t that the point of people blogging?

I could probably keep on going, but I should really get back to work and actually do something productive. I won’t be around ‘til after Memorial Day. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Rainy Days….

So it’s raining here… again. I am so sick of rain. Besides yesterday, it has been crappy and rainy here for days. Then Sunday happened and it was a beautiful day out. Such a tease, cause when I woke up this morning it was RAINING again! I used to love rainy days, but now I hate them. Mostly because even though it horrible outside, I still have to get up and go to work. Which means, my train will most likely be delayed and the bottom of my pants will get wet and proceed to stay damp for the rest of the day. Thankfully I didn’t straighten my hair cause then that would have been a waste of time also. I miss the rainy days, where you slept in ‘til noon, woke up and stayed in your pajama’s watching lifetime movies. I used to love rainy days like that. Where you stayed in, dry, and snuggled under a blanket watching TV. There is nothing better than watching a good old-fashioned romantic movie while the sky is dark and gray. But instead today, I am in my office, pants wet, working until 7, dreaming of my home and pajamas.

On a lighter note

So after the last post, which I so badly wanted to take down right after I posted, I decided to share 2 stories that would seriously only happen to me…

1) I’ve been tanning in order to get myself ready, that way when I do go away on vacation I won’t burn and have the whole trip ruined. So I’ve been tanning, and after being completely burned the first time, I haven’t really gotten any red. Just a nice tan. However, for some reason the areas where I ended up peeling from that first burn have become extra tan. So my back now resembles a Dalmatian dog! I have one big spot in the middle of my back that is super dark and then other spots around my back that are equally as dark, but the rest of my back is lighter. Needless to say it looks ridiculous. ALSO I have one spot in-between my boobs, that is a big circle that again is much tanner then the rest of my body! So just in case you thought that when you go tanning you get a nice even tan with no lines. WELL your wrong! And I can’t seem to fix the situation. I’ve covered and put lotion on the darker spots, but the rest of my body doesn’t seem to be catching up! So most likely for the rest of the summer I will look like a spotted dog. But for some reason, instead of being really upset I find it hilarious so I’m not letting it bother me too much.

2) The other day I went to the gas station to fill up my car.. While I was waiting for the attendant to come over I was playing with my debit card. So there I was acting like a kid, and I was tapping the card on the door where the window is. All of a sudden the card dropped and feel INTO my car door. It fell where the window goes down, and I heard it drop way down to the bottom. There was no way for me to be able to get it back, unless someone was willing to take my door apart without charging me a ton of money. So luckily I had money on me, so I filled up the tank and went home to report my card lost. I felt so stupid that I didn’t want to tell the truth about what happened. But the guy started asking all these questions about my past transactions that I finally had to tell him that it’s not exactly lost, it’s in a place that I can’t reach it. So the guy held back a giggle and helped me get a new card. Then I had to wait for the card to come and had barely any available cash on me until then. But I finally got the card and all is back to normal. Expect when I tell this to people they just can’t understand how I did that. In all honesty I can’t either.

I defiantly have more stories like this, but I’ll save them for a rainy day when I can’t think of anything to write.

Fear of flying...

Overweight. So as you may know I am going on vacation in less than 2 weeks. While I am super excited and cannot wait for this trip, I am absolutely dreading the flight. Now I debated if I should even make a post or not. You see for some reason I have a paralyzing fear that someone will read my blog and realize who I am. So scared that I don’t even use my real name. Which is ridiculous because the purpose of this blog was to help me figure things out and work through them. How am I going to do that if I won’t even write about the real stuff? So with deep breaths and a leap of faith I will talk about what has been bothering me for weeks now.

So yes as you may realize from my headline I am an overweight person. I’m not huge, but I when I shop I defiantly need to go into the plus sized department. A lot of people would be shocked to find out how much I weigh. Apparently I “carry my weight well”. Whatever that means. Anyway, I am so nervous that when the time comes to fly I will need a seat extender for my seat belt. I have never had to use one before, but I haven’t flown in 2 years so I’m really nervous. Even though I am the same size since the last time I flew, I have gained weight. Which doesn’t really make sense, but it’s true nonetheless. I realize that it won’t be the end of the world and it shouldn’t really be that big of a deal. But I fear for the humiliation that will come with that request.

The humiliation I would get would be from the fact that I will have to ask for this in front of my friends. My friends who are insanely skinny and for some strange reason still think I can shop at stores like the Gap and American Eagle. Their realization that I am so much bigger then them will be more than I can handle.

Also, when I was younger my mom always had to ask for an extender. Each time she did this, I would be embarrassed, for her and for myself. She hated having to ask for one and that look in her eyes when she had to ask was heartbreaking. I would always say to myself that I will NEVER let that happen to me. But here I am, with the fear that this will be the day that it will finally happen. And so while my friends keep talking about everything we will do when we arrive, I am freaking out about the plane ride. I know I should just suck it up, but I can’t seem to let it go. Chances are, I will not need one. But there is a chance, however small it may be, that I will have to get one. I don’t even really know how to handle that situation. Knowing the person that I am, I will probably cry. But than again, maybe it will be the push I need to get myself healthy again. I just really needed to write my fears down, so they can hopefully stop plaguing me 24/7.

It was a good weekend to get away

My weekend turned out to be very good. First I thought that me driving 3 hours to Maryland on Saturday and then 3 hours home the next day would really suck and put me in a bad mood. But it wasn't that bad, in fact the time flew for me. It was actually a nice drive, I enjoy drives like that cause it allows me to listen to my music on a radio instead of my ipod. Which is way better cause than I can sing along to the tunes. Also driving like that allows me to think about things and get everything into perspective. Plus, I didn't hit any traffic thankfully. When I got there, it felt like I never really left. It was like me and my friends just picked up from where we left off. It wasn't awkward. You know sometimes when you see someone who you haven't seen in a while and there is this awkward lull in conversation that can happen. Well it was just the opposite. We didn't stop talking. It was so much fun visiting them and catching up on lost time. It’s funny how much a person changes from the time they graduate from college to after they’ve been working in the “real world”. But even though we have all grown up and changed we still get along really well. And I guess that’s the true test to a person's friendships. Being able to still laugh and be completely comfortable even after growing and moving on with their lives.

We went out into Baltimore to this new place called Angel Rock Bar and it was Amazing. The club was on the second floor overlooking Baltimore and the inner harbor. It was half inside and half outside, and the décor was really nice. Also all they played was rock music, which was a nice change to the usual club fair music that I hear when I go out. I defiantly need to visit Maryland more often. I forgot how much I really love the area.

Is it Friday yet?

All week I have been messed up with my days. Yesterday I really thought it was Thursday and I had to keep on reminding myself that NO it’s only Wednesday. And now today it feels like Friday and I want to kill myself because this has been the longest week EVER! Well it will be Friday soon enough.

This weekend is going to be a lot of fun for me. I am going down to Maryland to visit my old college roommates. I haven’t seen them since October so this visit is long over due. I miss these girls so much and I cannot wait to see them and catch up on lost time. Not only do I get to see them, but also we have planned a little mini-reunion. See when I first went to school, I didn’t know anyone, but I wanted it that way. I wanted to go to a school where I didn’t know anyone and see what happens. I was lucky because my roommate and me got along really well. Her and me also befriended 4 other girls that lived on the same floor as us. They would become my rock and my best friends all though college. We always hung out together, went out together, and supported each other when times got rough. Even though 2 of them actually dropped out of the school we all remained very close. However it’s been almost 2 years since all 6 of us have been together at the same time. Usually when we get together someone is always missing. But this weekend we somehow managed to get everyone together! It will be like freshman year all over again! But without all that freshman year drama that happens to everyone.