Stepping out of my comfort zone

This past weekend made me realize that I've become a little too comfortable in my life. I love my life right now, but I'm complacent. I need to start pushing myself more and really stepping outside of the box.

I've decided starting in August it's time to start doing new things. While I do go out a lot, it's always to see the same people and places. I'm never going to meet a boy if I'm always going to my friend's houses. Or going out with couples all the time. On Friday I went out with my friend from school who was up visiting. It was great because we talked to so many different people. Whereas usually I'm parked at a table with my friends. I need to find a single friend who lives in this area to go out with me. Or maybe I can get my friends with boyfriends to ditch they boys for the night and be my wingwoman.

Then on Sunday my brother invited me to go to the Haskell with him. If your from NJ you know that it's a huge horse racing event that happens every year. I was exhausted on Sunday. My friends from college had just left, and I was planning on relaxing on the couch, recovering from a slight hangover. Anyway he invited me and I was on the fence, but then said, nah I'm going to stay home I think. My brother then asked, "Why?"

Such a simple question, but it had a huge impact on me. I have no good reason why. Was I really going to miss out on something fun just so I can catch up on my DVR? Again I'm never going to meet someone sitting on my couch at home. So I quickly threw on a dress and we went.

I am so happy I did. I saw so many people there and it was a great day. I paced some bets (lost each one) and just mingled with people. I would have missed out on a great day, all to watch TV. So I've decided I'm going to make a conscious effort to do something new each month. Whether it be on my own or with some friends. I need to do something I would normally not do.

Maybe I'll meet someone, maybe I won't. But I'll have fun doing new adventures and I won't regret putting myself out there. The unknown is a scary scary place, but the best things usually happen when you step outside your comfort zone and into that unknown.

New Direction?

I've been finding it hard to blog lately. I'm not giving up on it yet, but I feel like I never really have anything good to say. My life is in a wonderful place right now. When I first started this blog I was miserable and I used this space as a place to vent and work through my feelings. Now everything is peachy.

Hmmmmm, Maybe I need to change the name of my blog. That actually might help me. I need to find a new direction for this space. Should it be more about my weight loss and fitness? Stay the way it is now? Or something totally different? Well that will have to go on the back burner for a little while.

The next few months I am a busy busy lady. Almost every single weekend from now until the end of June I have stuff going on. Lots of travelling and wedding related stuff for my friend. Throw is some upcoming races for the weekends in between and my head starts to spin a little.

I wish it wasn't so busy though. I have been wanting to give online dating a try again, but my weekends are so full I wouldn't be able to actually go on any dates in the near future. Not that I think I'll be flooded with offers anyway. The last time was a total bust for me. But it's something I'm willing to give another shot at anyway. I'm in a better place now than I was the last time I was on there.

My gym challenge is finally over. The last week of it was so stressful but it's done. We will find out which team won this Saturday at the party. I really hope it's us. We were on a roll for a while points wise, but final weigh ins and the last challenge will probably be the deciding factor. Either way Saturday is going to be a blast! I can't wait.

The spring cleaning last weekend was also a success. I got rid of 3 black garbage bags of clothes. Half my closet is now empty waiting for me to fill it. I did some shopping last weekend and got some awesome stuff. This Sunday a few friends from work and I are going to go to the outlets.

Any suggestions on where I should take this blog would be much appreciated!

On to the next one

So my potential online date never e-mailed me back...

I'm not sure what happened. He just disappeared. I did e-mail him on Friday morning to confirm if we were still on to meet, and I just never got a response.

Usually I would take this kind of rejection really personally and give up on this whole online dating thing all together. However I know I did nothing wrong. Maybe he just decided he wasn't feeling it. Plus any guy who can't at least send an e-mail response back to a person is not someone I would want to spend my time with.

It's back to the drawing board for me. I'll keep on putting myself out there and hopefully will be able to meet a good guy soon!

Need Advice!!!

I decided to give online dating another try. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm locked into doing for at least the next few months. Whether I like it or not. The whole thing just makes me a nervous wreck though. I feel like I never know what to say or how to come across flirty and fun through my words on the page. I feel like I can never adequately describe myself when having to write about me. It makes me uncomfortable.

Then there is e-mailing people!! Ugh I never have any idea what to say or how to break the ice. Or make myself memorable enough to get a response. Basically it's really hard. Plus I haven't really told anyone IRL about it either because I feel like there is still a stigma about online dating. Even though it happens all the time now.

Anyway, I've been on the site for a couple of weeks now. Here's what's happened so far.

One guy "winked" at me. So I e-mailed him back this little paragraph and tried to be funny. His e-mail back to me? "Ur pretty i want to kiss u". Ummm that's it? Not even the words fully written out?? Plus WTF?!?!?! So that one went into the trash folder.

A second guy "winked" at me. But his profile was about his religion and his love for God, and how he tries to live for Christ. That's good for some people, but I'm not particularly religious. I believe in God, but that's about the extent of my religion. Also he lived in another state like 4 hours away. I didn't understand why he would even contact me.

A third guy e-mailed me. I wasn't really into it from his profile but I gave him a shot anyway. Because for all I know he could just have had as hard a time as me in writing these things. We exchanged a couple of e-mails and he seems OK but his grammar and punctuation was awful. I'm sorry but that is a huge pet peeve of mine. How hard is it to just quickly re-read what you wrote? Also he never capitalized the beginning of sentences. Ugh annoying. Anyway I overlooked all that because other than him, no one else was showing me any interest.

His third e-mail though, creeped me out so much I had to stop. He kept on going on and on about how he looks for girls to do certain things with him and how he was willing to do the same for girls, even if it involved fetishes. That what he wanted was his deepest darkest secrets and that he would tell them to me if I wanted to hear. Nope sorry. Not into fetishes like that. There was more and there was just red flags all over the place. NEXT.

Finally a guy winked at me and he seemed kinda cute and funny. So I winked back. Then he followed up with an e-mail that was reasonably written!! No text speak at all! We exchanged some e-mails and I was really liking what I was reading. The other day he suggested we meet for drinks. This is where I get nervous. I feel like it's a little fast to already be meeting. Plus he doesn't have a car so I will have to drive 45 minutes to meet him. I'm not crazy about that.

I pushed my fears and nervousness aside and agreed to meet this coming Friday in Hoboken which is near where he lives. That was on Monday evening. It's now Wednesday and I haven't heard from him since. We still have yet to pick a time or a place. I don't know what happened. Maybe he's waiting until Friday to pick the place and stuff? I'm a planner and I like to know ahead of time what's going on. I'll feel rushed if he waits that long. Plus I'm so nervous to begin with that I just keep on wanting to cancel. The more time that passes by with no response, the more nervous I get.

I don't know what to do. Should I e-mail to see what is going on? Wait it out? Cancel because I feel very uneasy already?

Ughh I hate this!!! Please give me advice!!!

Fail

Today is the last day of September! This month flew by! Since it's almost October I decided I should talk about my goals that I had set for myself in the beginning of the month. Since I don't want this post to be super long, I am going to break them down into three separate ones.

Karen had asked me about the online dating, so I figured I should start with that one.

Getting a love life has been a big giant FAIL. I don't know what it is, but I've haven't have any luck on e-harmony. Not one person messaged me, and everyone that I sent out a list of questions to (which is the first step) never responded back!!!!! WTF.

On the one hand, I thought I would be more upset about the fact that absolutely nothing has happened, but I'm not. At all actually. Maybe it's because you are online, so the rejection isn't as serious as it would be face to face? Maybe because even the guys I messaged I wasn't exactly over the moon about. Who knows.

I just think it's kinda hard to feel any kind of chemistry, spark or feelings about a person over a computer. I thought this would be easier, but maybe I'm better suited for face to face interaction. The thing is. it's freaking hard to meet people!

When you are in school, it's so much easier. There are guys all over the place! Now that I'm older, it's a lot harder. Sure you can meet people at bars, but they are usually creepers who aren't looking for anything serious. So where do you go to meet new men? Seriously, if you know please help me out!

I almost deleted my e-harmony account, but I decided to give it another month. I tweaked my profile a bit, so maybe that will help. Honestly I would like it if just one person effing messaged me so I can feel like less of a loser. Even if they were a total tool. lol. That must sound really sad and pathetic but deep down that's how I feel. I definitely need to work on my self-esteem.

Help a girl out! Where can you find decent guys???

P.S. - If you have any questions for me please ask!!

Finding myself

One month from today I will be 25. For a while now I’m been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Now that I am about to officially hit the mark, I am really freaking out.

Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am now at this age. When I was younger I was so SURE that by this time I would have a fabulous career, a million friends, living on my own, and with the most perfect boyfriend.

I have none of those things.

Sure I have a job, but as I’ve mentioned in the past. I HATE it.

Sure I have friends, but they are spread about all over the place. There are only a few that I live near and can see on a regular basis. The rest require planning months in advance.

I still live at home, but that’s mostly my doing because I’m saving up my money so I can afford things like food when I finally do move.

No boyfriend. Not even a fling around.

All in all, my life is pretty pathetic at the moment.

Even though I wish my life were how I imagined it so many years ago, what I wish for more is to just be content with who I am right now. Why can’t I just be happy?

Why can’t I say to myself yes you don’t like your job but at least you have a job and that’s more important. Even though you dislike it, you are great at what you do. You receive little to no complaints about your performance and that should tell me something about the person I am.

Why can’t I see that I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy? That instead of obsessing over not having a loved one, I should be focusing on making ME happy. That in order for me to ever have a success relationship I have to work on myself first.

Most of all, I want to be content with my body. Inside and out. I have the worst self-esteem and I feel that that is the reason why I am where I am right now. I don’t have a good career because I don’t go after one. I’m afraid I’ll fail and that I don’t deserve the job. I’m afraid if I do move out of my house, nothing will change and I will still be miserable. I don’t attempt to make new friends because I don’t think anyone will like me. Same goes with guys.

I have posted two pictures of myself on here before. It took forever to find a photo that didn’t show my whole body and was kinda flattering. I actually deep down think that if I were to show the real me, you wouldn’t like me anymore and the few readers I have would stop altogether. That’s how bad my self-esteem is.

If a guy even shows a little interest in me, I freeze. The first thought in my head is he must be drunk to be talking to me. He could find someone much better looking than me. Just this past weekend I was at a bar and a guy came up to dance with me. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying it, I just kept thinking those things. Because of my weight I feel like no man will ever truly be interested in me.

I know that isn’t true, but every time a guy approaches me I get that little voice in my head that says that. I basically use my weight as a defensive mechanism. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s not because of me its because of my weight.

Instead of being proactive and doing something about it. I don’t. Why? I’m scared.

I’m scared I won’t be happy.

I’m scared people will hurt me.

I wish I could put it into better words, but that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m in this weird Catch 22 with myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.

That’s what I want for my birthday. To be happy with who I am. To finally stop being afraid and to just go for it. Whatever IT may be.

Spice up your life!

I want to thank you for all your suggestions! I’m not really sure how to have the money automatically taken out when I get paid, so for now as soon as I do get paid I will put the money aside manually.

What doesn’t help is the fact that as soon as I decided to start saving more my best friend plans a weekend ski trip!! However I am not deterred. I put all the numbers together and will still be able to put money aside and go on this trip!!

I’m really excited. Even though I actually can’t ski (stupid knee) there are a lot of other things for me to do. There are eight in total going on this trip and there are 2 or 3 others that won’t be skiing either. So I will have company. Plus they have Snow Tubing and I will defiantly be doing that!

This is will be a good little mini-vacation and also it will help break up the monotony in my life right now. My weeks lately have been blending together because I always do the same thing, week after week, month after month. This will hopefully ad spice to my life and I can finally feel like a normal 20-something. Seriously sometimes I feel I’m 80 because my life is so boring.

Speaking of adding spice to my life. Lately I have been thinking of joining an online dating website. This makes me really nervous, because a) I’ve heard mixed reviews and b) I have terrible self-esteem and the fear of rejection makes me have a slight panic attack.

So what do you think?

I need some pros and cons about joining a site. On the one hand I feel like I’m to young to be resorting to this yet. On the other, I haven’t met any new or interesting guys in a lonnngg time. This is what happens when you move back home and every time you go out it’s like a high school reunion.