ugh

Foot pain wise. Today is not a good day. I'm in a lot of pain. Maybe it's the rainy weather or what, but I just want to go home, prop up my foot and watch some movies. Alas I'm stuck in work allllll day.

Oddly, I am really missing the gym. With my foot, gym has been off limits all week and I miss it!! Me!! I would have never ever thought that was possible. I miss getting beat up working out and just feeling great when I get home.

I really felt like I was on the right track to get healthy, but with this operation I feel like I'm back at the beginning. Since I can't work out, I've been trying to get my eating in order and I've been a major fail. Even with eating all the right foods I keep going over in calories! It's driving me crazy!!!

I know it's going to take a long time to change my eating habits, but I wish I would be able to make some progress. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I would love it if I could lose like 10 pounds before then. Just 10 pounds! At least then I know I was moving in the right direction.

Ugh. Today is just a sucky day. I'm just frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

black and blue

The surgery was a lot more intense that I thought it would be. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain. A lot more pain than the last time I had this done. I'm not sure why, but I think he gave me multiple injections into my foot. I guess he really wanted to make sure he did a good job. lol. My foot is really swollen and my heal is all black and blue which is very attractive. But I am starting to feel a lot better.

On Friday I could barely walk, I even broke out my crutches to use because I was so bad. Saturday I was still in a lot of pain but just a little bit better. Sunday I was a lot better thankfully. Everyday I'm having less and less pain which is great. Hopefully by next weekend I'll be back to normal and can stop wearing this little boot on my foot.

I really really hope this one sticks. If not than I'll probably have to get surgery, but I'm not even going to think about that yet. Just focusing on the now. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Oh something funny happened during the operation. The doctor had to take some blood out of my arm to do the procedure. I was in twilight, but apparently when he put the needle in I called him a "but mother effer". lol. My doctor told me that everyone in the room busted out laughing. Talk about embarrassing, but I love that I can entertain people. Even when I'm not conscious.

Deep Breaths

Tomorrow I'm getting a little operation on my foot. I've have had this done before so I know what to expect, but it still doesn't make it any easier. I'm nervous, which I can't help. I also hate the fact that my body just doesn't want to cooperate with me. I hate that I have all these orthopaedic issues and that there is really nothing I can do about them. Just hope that this time, the procedure will stick.

I hate needles, I hate hospitals, I hate pain. lol. I mean, does anyone really like those things? No of course not. But sometimes I just feel like my fear and hatred for them are 10 times worse. I just need to stop thinking about it. I got very little sleep last night.

Deep down I know it will be fine. Not as bad as I'm making it in my head, but still. It sucks. I have a training appointment today at the gym, and I'm going to ask her to kill me so I will hopefully stop thinking about the surgery and just be able to sleep tonight. lol.

Wish me luck and I'll give you an update next week!

Let the Good Times Roll

This past weekend some friends of mine from college came up to visit. It was a blast. Seriously I couldn't have asked for a better time. They got here bright and early on Saturday and we headed right to the beach. My BFF's friends from college also came down to visit this weekend, so it was a really good group of people. About 7 in total.

The beach was perfect. The weather was great, and the water felt cool and refreshing after being in the sun. In the afternoon we headed to BFF's house to chill by the pool and have a little BBQ. The pool felt like bath water, so I pretty much sat in there the whole time. After dinner we headed back to my house to get ready. After primping we went back to BBF's for a little pregame and then it was out to the club.

My friend from school was awesome enough to be the designated driver for us. I was so happy about that!! I really really didn't want to drive. We went down to Belmar which is like 25 minutes from where I live, and has great bars and clubs. I literally danced for like 3 hours straight. It was so much fun.

When we got home, I quickly got my friends settled and then passed out. lol. Unfortunately they decided to wake up at like 8AM so I didn't get very much sleep. We ate breakfast, hung out for a little, and then they had to get on the road. As soon as they left I went back to bed and didn't wake up until 2:30 in the afternoon. I was tired!!

I am so happy that they came up. I'm the one who usually has to travel to Maryland to visit them, so I'm grateful that they made the trip to NJ. Also they had a great time, so hopefully they will come again next summer!

One day at a time.

I am sore.

Really really sore.

But that means I had a good workout though right?

The gym experience is going.... well it's going.

The first night, they just walked me through the whole setup and gave me a sheet of paper of good things I should start eating. The one thing I'm bad at is not eating enough protein. I rarely hit the amount they want me to eat every day. Anyway the first night I just walked, fast, on a treadmill for 30 minutes. Not bad. Although I felt weird when I stepped off and when I was walking regularly it was a weird feeling. Like I was still on the machine. lol. I guess I just need to get used to it.

Then we set up an appointment for me to start strength training. Holy crap. It was hard. Like I wanted to quit halfway through hard. Remember when I said, that I used to work out half assed. Well shit, it was more like a quarter assed. I thought I was going to collapse when I was walking back to my car last night. Then when I showered my arms hurt just from shampooing my hair!

I'm not going to lie. Last night really tested me on if I wanted to do this or not. If I am, I have to commit to it 100%. There is definitely no slacking allowed. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to get into a habit. That's what I'm going to do. I going to force myself to keep up with this for 3 weeks straight, and hopefully by the end I will start to feel a difference in my body and will want to keep going.

I hate to fail, at anything. Which probably why I've never really tired to get in shape before. I don't want to fail. Also, I'm a little scared of succeeding. I know that sounds weird, but I am. What if I don't like the new me? Which is crazy, but I can't help thinking that. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that far ahead. I'm at day 3 right now, and I just need to focus on day 4. One day at a time is how I'm going to approach this. Too much too fast and I know I'll stop.

I really really really want this. I've never been able to really say out loud how much I hate my body. I am great at putting on a happy face and pretending that it doesn't bother me that I'm overweight. It's hard for me to just say to myself that I am fat. It hurts too much. That's why I'm so afraid of failing. Not trying at least allows me to have those "what if" and "if only did I do this" day dreams where I end up look amazing. But what if I work out, learn to eat right, and I don't lose weight? Then where do i go from there?

I'm getting ahead of myself again. I just need to focus on the now. Thinking like doesn't do me any good and just makes me sad. For now I'm just focusing on doing cardio after work today, and then doing more strength training (shudder) tomorrow.

Good Hair

I'll talk about my gym experience tomorrow. Especially since today the real work begins at the gym.

Anyway I mentioned that for my birthday my mom paid for me to get a Keratin Smoothing Treatment down to my hair. I have to say. I LOVE it. The whole process took only like two hours. The only bad thing I would say is not being able to wash your hair for 3 full days. My hair was a greasy mess by the third day.

The treatment doesn't totally straighten my hair, but takes the kinks out. Before if I wanted my hair straight I would have to blow dry it, then flat iron it. Even then with the humidity it would start to curl. Now, I have zero frizz, and I only have to blow dry my hair and it looks great.

Seriously total love for this stuff!!

If I just air dry my hair, it looks slightly wavy. Like tousled surfer girl hair. Which I love. It's the kind of hair I wish I had all the time. The best thing, is even if I air dry my hair I don't get ANY frizz. With this gross heat and humidity we have been having my hair would normally be out of control. Now it just stays put.

The only other downside is I have to buy special shampoo and conditioner. Which costs a lot!! So while I love this, I probably won't be getting it again anytime soon. Luckily I still have another 2 to 3 months until it washes out. Maybe next summer I'll do it again!

Week 3

This is my third week at work. I can't believe how fast time is going by! I am so much happier lately it's crazy. The job itself is good, a lower stress level than before which is awesome. I can really see myself being here for a while. A nice change from before, when I couldn't wait to get out of there. I already feel like I'm making good work friends, when at my last job I never really felt that. It took forever to really get to know some people and talk to them about things other than work. I think the big difference is here there is a cafeteria where we eat lunch. Everyone sits together and just talks. Before I always ate at my desk, which makes social interaction very limiting.

Don't get me wrong, the first week I was super awkward. Especially about lunch, it felt like high school. Not knowing where to sit. Even though I felt weird and nervous, I just sat down with a group and they were all really nice. That's the other thing. I feel more outgoing than usual. Before I would be way too nervous and would probably just eat at my desk. I am proud of myself for dealing with my nerves and just going for it.

It's weird being like this. I'm actively trying to change myself. I used to be so stagnant and afraid of change that I wouldn't even try. I mean I used to be afraid of not just failing, but succeeding. Any kind of change to me was/is really scary.

But I'm growing and I'm seeing that you have to change. Whether you like it or now, change will happen. So why now try to work it to your own advantage? That's what I'm slowly starting to do.

I even signed up to work with a personal trainer today. My best friend's brother owns a personal training business and he gave me a great deal to work out there. I've been wanting to get healthy forever but I knew just joining a gym wasn't going to do it. I need someone to push me. I'm a pretty lazy person, even when I'm working out I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I'm doing the bare minimum. Hopefully this will help!

I'm nervous about working out though. I'm really really out of shape, so I'm scared they are going to kill me. Then there is all my knee and foot problems. I'm afraid they will limit me and hold me back. Also it's my friend's brother, who I've known forever. It's a little awkward for me to work out with him. I'm afraid he'll judge me. I almost rather a stranger be working me out, but I can't really pass up this deal and opportunity.

Keep your fingers crossed for me today!!

Melting

It is way too hot out!! Its days like this that make me start craving the fall, with its crisp cool air. I know I need to enjoy the rest of the summer and this heat, but we need a little relief here!! It needs to rain or something. Ugh, it's so gross.

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend!! Mine was spent sunning myself at the beach and the pool. I also got to see some fireworks on Saturday. It definitely brings the kid out in me when I see them. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and the person lived right near where the fireworks went off. It was great to see them from the backyard and not have to deal with the massive amounts of people that were in town that day.

How was your weekend? Did you see any fireworks?

Stay Cool!