My last year in my 20s!

Friday is my 29th Birthday!! While I am so so happy to say good riddance to 28, it has been a shitty year, I am nervous about being 29. Only because I'm making so many changes in my life that I sometimes wish I was younger than I am. Going back to school at 29, for something completely new is terrifying.

It's also something I know without a doubt the right move for me right now. And I know that I would have never been able to pursue baking and culinary without having gone through what I've been through in the past. I find it ironic that I took me losing over a 100 pounds to discover my passion in cooking, but it's true.

When I was heavy I couldn't imagine standing up for long periods of time. Hell I wouldn't even go out to bars when I was overweight for fear of not being able to find a seat. Me losing weight has opened up an entire new world for me. And oddly I'm not even a little bit worried that I'll gain this weight back by becoming a baker. I know better now, I know how to enjoy myself and find balance with my eating.

Growing up, I never pictured myself with a desk job. I wanted to be a makeup artist, a photographer, a chef, anything that was non-traditional. My mom and my fears forced me to study something more realistic when choosing a major in college. It was fear that made me stay stagnant for many years. Fear of the unknown. Fear of actually succeeding and not knowing what to do next. Fear of being happy for once in my life.

I had a lot of growing up to do, and learning to love and accept myself in order to go after what I want in life. That took roughly 28 years to get here, and that was the way it had to happen. I'm still scared of what's to come, but I know to trust myself now and to go forward. I know that even in failure, I'll be able to pick myself back up again and move on. I know how strong I can be and that is worth everything.

As a gift to myself for 29, I'm taking my birthday and all of next week off from work!! WHOOO HOOO! I cannot wait to relax and hopefully enjoy a lot of beach time! Happy 4th of July if I don't check back in while I'm gone.

It's just a number...

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I went to a bachelorette party. While I did have a blast, there was something that caused me a lot of pain and embarrassment. Something that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to talk about here, but I need to get it off my chest since I haven’t talked about it to anyone.

For the party the bridesmaids wanted to buy shirts and decorate them. When they sent out the evites they asked everyone to respond with what size shirt you would need so they can buy the clothes. Cue me having a panic attack. All the girls going to the party were thin, except for me. Here they are putting down their sizes, small, medium, extra small…. and I was supposed to put down MY size? My plus sized number???

I honestly did not know what to do. I was mortified just having to tell them a number, and then even more embarrassing what if they went to a store that did NOT even have my size?? Finally I summoned up the courage to e-mail directly one of the girls that I know pretty well and ask her more about the whole shirt thing. I told her that my sizes tend to differ store to store and where were they going to go and get the shirts? I figured that way they would e-mail me first so I would know if I would even fit in that store. If not I could just tell them I would buy my own shirt somewhere else and give it to them, with the label of course cut out.

She got back to me saying that they were going to go to Old Navy. Yay!! A store that I can actually fit in!!! Even though I was happy about that, I still had to tell her what size to buy. I summoned up all my courage and told her to please get me the 2X shirt.

Thankfully she was really sweet and understanding about the whole thing, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder if she was secretly judging me. Chances are there was a least some thought that went through her head about my actual size. Or maybe that’s just me being paranoid and so self-conscious.

Then came the actual night. With my anxiety I spent the whole day freaking out. What if the shirt didn’t fit? Or what if they had to buy a different style shirt because the ones everyone else had didn’t have my size? I was a mess. The shirt fit!! And I didn’t look totally out of place with the rest of the girls. After that I was able to breath and just have a good time. Even though the night was fun I still can’t help but wonder, did she tell the other girls what size I am? Did they judge me at all when I was out with them because of my size? I’ll never know, and honestly I don’t want to know.

This was a definite wake up call for me. I really need to get off my ass and start being pro-active about losing weight. I am so unhappy with how I look. I will never be comfortable with my size, and it’s up to me and me alone to change that. I have to change my eating habits and start working out again.

I know it’s going to be almost impossible for me, with my work schedule and the fact that I’m the queen of excuses, but I’m really determined to not get stuck. In order for me to be happy I need to lose weight. I’m not expecting to look like a model, I would just be happy being a size 12. I writing this here with the hopes that it will inspire me to follow through.

Wish me luck!!

The First Step

My first baby step to a better me? No more shopping with my mother!! Since I still live at home my mom always seems to try and get me to go shopping with her. Which would be fine if she didn’t’ take every opportunity to make me feel like shit. She says horrible things about the way I look when I try things on. I don’t even like to think of them now because I get upset. I’m not sure why she does it, it’s like she can’t help herself.

The biggest thing she always attacks me about is how clothes fit. My mom doesn’t get the concept that clothes are supposed fit you. She thinks that in order for a shirt to fit it should be basically hanging off your body. Which actually tends to make you look much bigger. So every time I wear an outfit that fits she goes on the attack on my weight. I feel like she thinks that if clothing is four sizes too big then people won’t realize I’m overweight. What she fails to realize is when an outfit fits you well it can be very slimming.

Even though it is tempting to go shopping, she always promises to buy, I just can’t anymore. We have totally different taste in clothes to begin with anyway so no matter what it’s always a battle. This past weekend was a huge test because she was practically begging me to go out. She was bored sitting at home and instead of calling her friends she decided to pester me all day long.

I truly wish my mom would start to get more of a social life. She has so many friends but she very rarely goes out with them. Instead she sits at home and sulks about being bored. More than anything I wish my mom got a boyfriend. A companion to spend her days with. Sooner or later I will move out and then she will have no one around. Sounds like someone has self esteem issues no?

Like mother like daughter.

One step at a time

Thank you soo much for your thoughtful comments on last post. They really meant a lot to me. Just writing that out I felt a lot better, but after reading your comments I knew I wasn’t alone. I mean I knew that before, but I never really KNEW it. If that makes any sense.

I have debated going to therapy again but I don’t think I’m there yet. I feel like this is a problem for me to face head on. If I was sinking into depression again I would be there, but, thankfully, I’m not depressed. Just confused and a little lost.

I used to go to therapy and this was a topic I very rarely discussed. Mostly because there was other more serious matters to discuss and I was embarrassed. I would brush over it when I was talking about something else but it was hard for me to focus on and voice out loud.

I was defiantly one of those people who went to therapy and was worried that my problems weren’t valid enough or that I would bore her. She helped me get over that fear but I could still never talk about it. I guess I wasn’t ready yet.

Now that I am ready, I want to face it alone. I think talking about it like I did was a huge stepping off point for me. Now I just need to take baby steps to getting better. I’m not expecting over night results, but I think if I face one small task at a time I will eventually build up my self-esteem.

What do you do to help build yourself up?