"The New Normal"

After that bitch Sandy came through, we had to deal with yet another storm yesterday! I'm starting to think the world might really be coming to an end. We can't take much more of this here in NJ. My drive home from work was awful and scary. I think my town ended up with 6 inches of snow! Even though more and more people were getting power back, a lot more are without it again.

It's just crazy here. It's weird seeing the army national guard on a regular basis in your town. Having friends not have power for over 10 days. It's just nuts. Luckily we still have power but I'm a little worried. There is a wire about to snap and is hanging super low on my block. I hope it gets fixed soon or we may be back without power.

Thankfully because of the odd/even license plate system, getting gas is so much better. I only waited about 10 minutes this week, and not an hour like it was. Hopefully the more people who get power back the sooner things will be back to normal and they will lift the odd/even rule.

I just hope that the weather will stay nice for a while so we can actually start to rebuild the homes and businesses that were washed away. It will take months, even years, and nothing will ever be the same again. But hopefully by the summer there will be enough stuff back up and running, and we can enjoy an awesome Jersey Summer once more!

Time is Flying

Things have been crazy lately. I haven't had a moment to myself. Work is crazy busy, and my outside life is crazy busy as well. My gym is having their annual team challenge and I somehow became a captain again! I really didn't want to, its a lot of work, but I was voted in!

Thankfully my co-captains are awesome and are a huge help! We've already had a shirts made, and a team picture done. Now it's just time to concentrate on the daily challenges we have to do. I'm hoping this challenge will help me get back on track and lose this last 20 pounds that just doesn't want to go away!

Other things in my life are brewing. Hopefully new opportunties on the horizon. I can't say anything yet, but keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Decisions decisions

A while back I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish before my birthday. One of the items was to start saving more money. Well I’m happy to say that I’ve been doing really well with this! Since January I’ve managed to save about $3,000 dollars. Considering that I don’t make a lot of money and I have bills to pay I’m really proud of myself for doing this much.

My original goal when I started saving was so I can eventually move out of my mom’s house. Now I’ve really put that idea into motion but there are some things holding me back. I’ve always wanted to live in NYC. It’s been a goal of mine since before I can remember. Since rent is crazy expensive I defiantly needed to save up some money first.

Now I’m rethinking this. I feel like I would be wasting this hard earned money of mine to live in a closet. Also I have my dog to keep in mind now so it will be even harder to find a pet friendly place. I just keep asking myself if it’s worth it.

Maybe I should just try and find a place near me. But then would that be a waste of money moving out of my house to live someplace 10 minutes away? Also if I did that my dog would basically die or have to stay with my mom. I leave my house at 7:30 in the morning and I don’t come home til 8:30 every night. Having him sit in a cage for 13 hours is just cruel. I don’t think I could leave him at my mom’s.

Now I’ve been thinking is to put off moving out some more. Instead maybe I should invest this money in an IRA. I figured since I’m saving so much instead of it sitting in a savings account, I could be growing it into a good sum of money so I can retire eventually.

Best-case scenario would be if I found a job that had better hours or if it was closer to where I live now. Since the job market is still pretty crappy I’m not banking on that any time soon.

What do you think I should do? Stop being scared and take the plunge and move to the city? Invest in my future? I’m utterly confused right now. I’m pretty sure all this is coming up because I’m scared, but these are viable things to be worried about.

The Run Down

I still feel like I have nothing good to blog about lately, however I don’t want to stop blogging all together. I have to make myself write posts. It’s better for me when I write out whatever is going on in my life, however boring it may be.

Plus it drives me insane when a fellow blogger that I read just disappears. At the very least I think these people should give an FYI that they are abandoning their blog.

I decided to do a little update on my life in bullets.

• Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which for most people means drinking and having a good time. For me, it means having to deal with those drunks on the train to and from work. I can’t stand how rude people can be on the train to begin with, throw in some booze and they are unbearable. Take a later train and leave us commuters be!!
• I recently moved my desk at work and it is the opposite way of my old desk which is completely disorienting my. I’m slightly OCD when it comes to certain things and with my old desk I had a system in place that worked very well for me. Now with this new location everything is backwards and I’m having a hard time finding my rhythm. I know that may seem dumb but you’d be surprised just how much it throws you off.
• However I am loving my new location. Sitting near my team makes me feel like I belong again. Also I sit near my old work spouse and now have a person I can chat with on a daily basis.
• I am going to visit my friends from college in a few weeks. I can’t wait. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen them and it will be good to catch up and go out with them.
• My Aunt has very generously offered for me to stay in her condo in Florida for a week. She won’t be staying there this summer and thought it would be a waste if no one used it. That just warms my heart when people do such kind things like that. Plus, now I can defiantly go on vacation somewhere and will save a lot of money because I won’t have to pay to stay somewhere! Now I just need to figure out when I will be going.

Are you making any vacation plans yet? If so where are you going?

MIA

Sorry that I have been MIA. I feel like the whole blog world has been MIA lately. It must be one of those things I guess. Work has been really busy, plus I couldn’t really think of anything to say on here. Even though this is my personal space on the internet to write whatever, I don’t want to constantly bore you with the mundane details of my life. I find myself wishing my life was more exciting, so I would have better stuff to blog about. Sadly, even though I am determined to make this year better then last, 2009 have been pretty boring.

Also I feel like January flew by! I cannot believe that it is already February. I’m glad though, because I am defiantly ready for warmer weather. Last night we got a bunch of snow and my commute home was no fun. I was THIS close to calling out of work today. I told myself that if my train was delayed I would just go back home and play hooky. Sadly, and very surprisingly, the trains were running on time. Oh well.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here and will post a real blog hopefully tomorrow!

Am I missing something?

This past weekend was kinda strange. A really good family friend gave birth to a little girl on Saturday. My mom and I went to the hospital to see the baby. She is adorable. We only stayed a short time and then we all went out to lunch while the new mom rested up. It was great seeing them since it had been a while and felt good to catch up. I have known these people my entire life; they are more like family then friends. Whenever we see them it’s like no time has past. There were no awkward lulls in conversation; it feels like it was just yesterday since we last saw each other.

Then on Sunday, a really good friend of mine called me to tell me that she is engaged! They have been dating for over six years (since high school) and he finally popped the question. While I’m not surprised that they are engaged, I still can’t believe it. She’s a year younger then me! I feel like it was just yesterday we were playing with our Barbies in my basement.

I feel old. With these two events that happened this weekend I feel like a grown up. Actually scratch that. I feel like a kid trapped in an adult’s body. All these people I know who are around my age are reaching these huge milestones in their lives and I’m nowhere near reaching them. It’s not that I am jealous or feel left out (I do a little) it’s that I feel way to young to even be thinking about those things, let alone actually doing them. I have no urge to grow up that quickly.

However I am an adult, I feel like I should be thinking about these things. Why aren’t these things even remotely close to my list of priorities? I cannot even adequately express my confusion with this matter. I can’t describe how I feel right now. I couldn’t be happier for these people, truly, but it makes me worry about why I’m not thinking about these things and why I’m not being proactive to grow up. Am I making any sense right now?????

My To Do

Let me start by saying I HATE to do lists. Especially when it comes to life. A lot of people do these lists to help guide them, either it be toward a better you or making a list of things to do before reaching a certain age. I don’t usually like them because I feel like it puts to much pressure on you. I am one of those people that when I say I will do something, I do it. I don’t just talk the talk I walk the walk. That’s why I avoid making lists. I would hate myself if I didn’t complete it. I would actually feel guilty and feel like a failure. On the other hand, I feel like I need to make a list now, to get myself motivated and moving toward the right direction.

Which is why I made a list of things to do before I turn 25. Twenty-five will be a big birthday for me, and its one of those ages where when your younger you feel like your whole life will be in place. I now know that that whole mentality is bullshit, but at the same time I do need to be going in some sort of direction toward that life. Whatever it may become.

Now to alleviate that pressure I am not making it mandatory for me to finish the whole list and I have also thrown in fun stuff to make it seem less daunting. Enjoy.


Here is my list of things to do before I turn 25 in about 7 months. Enjoy.

• Get a new job that I actually like
• Eat healthier
• Take a photography class
• Start getting more exercise (walking to the printer at work doesn't count)
• Get more of a social life
• Start dating more (oh who am I kidding, just start dating period)
• Try and talk out my issues with my mother (tried before, didn't work. Maybe this time it will)
• Take a road trip somewhere
• Become friends with my brother. Actual friends that hang out, not people who constantly fight or just ignore each other.
• To be able to handle my anxiety better
• Go see a Broadway musical (I haven't been to one in soo long)
• Start saving more money
• Get another tattoo (I'm still debating this one)
• Actually go out in the city (instead of just coming to work and then leaving right away)
• Stop obsessing over things I have no control over
• Swim in a fountain (I've always wanted to do this)

So wish me luck and here’s to the improved me!

A new leaf

Yesterday I mentioned that I had taken Friday off. What I forgot to say was how many jobs I applied to. Usually when the weekend comes I am so sick of looking at a computer that I don’t even turn it on. Since it was Friday and not technically the weekend I had no problem turning on my computer and applying to job after job. It was great! I felt so productive. Now? I am worried that no one will get in touch with me. Which, lets face it, is a serious possibility with the entire country in turmoil right now. Even though I know this, I can’t help but take it personally when no one replies back to me. There used to be a time (way before mine) that no matter what, someone would get back to you. Even if it was just to tell you they weren’t interested. Now with the Internet and thousands of applicants that’s not the case anymore. I still wish it were. I take almost everything personally, especially someone not getting back to me.

I really need thicker skin. If this keeps up I will get discouraged easily and stop applying for jobs. That’s the last thing I want to do. Any tips on how to keep my head up? Or how to stand out to potential employers?

All in all, I just want to get on with the next chapter in my life. For some reason I feel like it will be great. I didn’t feel this way before when I first started applying for jobs. I don’t know why but it just feels different and I know I won’t make the same mistakes. I’ll just make new ones, and I can’t wait for it!

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
~Alan Cohen

Busy Busy Busy

I have been so busy these past few days. I've barely been able to get 20 minutes for lunch. I am incredibly stressed out but at the same time being so busy makes the day fly for me! Unfortunately I'm so busy I haven't had time to post or even read blogs. I'm way behind on my reader. Hopefully in a few days things will even out and I will be able to actually post a real blog and not random musings.

How's your week been going!

What do you need?

I saw a couple of other people do this post last week and since I don’t really have anything to post today I decided this would be good to fill in. Basically you take your name and you Google it along with the word “needs” after it. Now I’m pretty sure I've mentioned before that Rose isn’t actually my name. I am actually debating on whether or not I should reveal my actual name but I’m just not ready yet. Anyway keep in mind that I did use my real name when I googled, so if for some reason you decided to google “Rose Needs” and you came up with different stuff, well that’s why. Anyway enjoy the following Needs that came up on google.

• a spanking: that’s awesome and maybe a little bit true
• to back up: If by back up they mean to take a step back and really look at my life then YES
• your prayers: absolutely I need all the help I can get
• to make sure there aren't any conditions present that rule out having a massage due to any health risks: This one is weird, but I can say that I don’t really enjoy massages because I am very ticklish
• will continue to be met, and that she'll continue to be a light in this world for many years help: Well this one technically came from saying “Rose’s Needs” slightly different then the actual challenge but I put it up because it was a serious moral booster when I read it.
• your financial support: Umm yes. If any of you have a few thousand to spare, I would appreciate being the recipient.
• to be here to show 'em how it's done: I like this. Again a good moral booster
• a cigarette for the rest of this: I don’t smoke but I do enjoy the smell of smoke, which is really weird.

Well here’s my list of needs. I thought this was really fun and very enlightening. What are your needs?

P.S. - I'm still new to this whole thing. Can anyone please tell me what MEME stands for? It's driving me crazy!

The bad stuff first

This weekend was insane. I needed another day off in order to recuperate. However that is not the case and I am at work as we speak (or write). I promise to give a full recap tomorrow (hopefully) but today I wanted to talk about something that happened to me.

As I mentioned last week I was going to Baltimore on Friday for my friend’s birthday. For days I deliberated with myself as to whether or not I should go and if it was even worth it. All that traveling especially with the labor day traffic to be at a place for less then 24 hours. Thursday comes and I decided to scrap the whole idea. As soon as I came to that decision I immediately felt guilty. I felt bad about not seeing my friend and then I also felt that if I didn’t go I would be missing out on this amazing time and then I would feel even more like a loser. Friday morning comes and I still have NO idea if I should go or not. Finally at like 11:30 I tell myself to forget everything and just GO. Which I did at the worst possible time, I hit A LOT of traffic. While I was driving in New Jersey it wasn’t bad. In fact I made good time getting out of the state. However as soon as I hit Delaware I was in massive traffic. As soon as I hit the traffic, I got a major panic attack and starting crying and shaking uncontrollably. I could not calm down and because of the traffic there was no place for me to pull over and regroup.

I’ve had panic attacks before but never like this and never in a situation where I couldn’t just stop what I was doing in order to calm myself down. It was bad. Just thinking about it now is making me upset. It was just traffic and I flipped out. The thing is, I made it worse than it should have been. The whole time I was driving I kept thinking about what a bad idea this was. Every time I passed an exit I got the urge to just get off and turn back around. Then I started thinking about how my friends never make a trip up to Jersey to come and visit me. Then I started to think about my life and how much it sucks right now and how much I want to quit my job. I was thinking about how indecisive I am and how even as I was still driving I was unsure if I was doing the right thing. I used to never be like this. I never had problems making a decision and once my mind was made up there was no changing it. What happened? Is it because I of my lack of confidence that I can no longer make a simple decision? Am I just to overloaded to even be able to make decisions? I just don’t know. lol. I am a wreck.

All of that was running through my head during my panic attack. It was awful, but I finally calmed down after a frantic phone call to my mom. She helped to calm me down and I powered my way to Baltimore. Eventually the traffic went away and I ended up making pretty good time considering. I also ended up having a great time but the whole time I was out and having a good time, every once in a while I would think about the trip I would have to make on Saturday. Would it be bad or worse then it was? Will I freak out again? The closer it got to the time I was leaving the more nervous I got. I just couldn’t stop it. The traffic was pretty bad on the way back, but it only took me 45 minutes longer than it usually takes me. It actually wasn’t that bad. Also I did not have a panic attack so it was much better.

Even though this all happened a couple of days ago I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. In particular the panic attack and all those questions I have. What made me turn into this? I need to stop asking myself these questions and give myself a break. Otherwise I am going to have another panic attack soon. My acid reflux has been slowly creeping back and it’s because my anxiety is getting the best of me. I refuse to go back on medicine because I hated who I was when I was on them. I need to just step back and really figure out what I am doing. I need to make time to step back and figure this all out. I just can’t figure out when. I wish I had more vacation days, that way I could really just sit at home and re-evaluate my life. Even now writing about this, I am fighting back the tears. I am such a mess and it’s mostly my fault because I never give myself a break. I put too much pressure on everything.

Does any one have any methods they use to calm down? Or what do you do when you really need to sit and make a decision? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. – I swear this weekend has been amazing, but I just needed to get this thing off my chest before I can really tell you about it. I will post more tomorrow.

Pity Party Time

Lately I feel like I have nothing to blog about. Which is strange because last week was kind of a crazy week for me and I still didn’t feel that it was blog worthy. Also a lot of it had to do with work and if I talked about the one thing I wanted to talk about you could figure out where I work. That sentence just made zero sense to you. Moving on.

I think what may be the problem is that I’m starting to accept my very bland life. I hate that it is happening but I can’t seem to stop it. Yes I still hate my job, but at the same the company has really nice perks and the girl I’m sitting next to is becoming a good acquaintance. We’re not quite friends, but we are work buddies. That makes the day suck just a little bit less. Also, I’m not looking for a job. Every time I do there very little out there and what I can find doesn’t really interest me. It was depressing, so I’ve stopped. I told myself that I will start seriously searching again in September when things pick up and there are more jobs. I am very afraid that October will roll around, I will have no job, and I will have been working at this place for 1 year! I really don’t want that to happen. Even if I am starting to like the people a little more and I don’t feel like killing myself in the morning I know that this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The question still remains. What do I want to do??? I still have no idea. How is that possible??????? I am getting really upset about this. I feel like a lot of people say this but I don’t believe them. Even if they don’t know what they want to do, most have an idea or a direction that they will start at. I don’t have an idea. I have like 10 ideas. Maybe I’m a nomad and will just end up jumping from job to job. I really don’t want to do that. Why can’t I just be normal and pick something and stay with it.

I’ve been seriously considering going back to school for a masters. Yes it will cost me a lot more money, but at the same time it will help me clear my head and figure out what I want to do. Now there are 2 options. Option one go and get my masters in Social Work. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would do well in that field. Option two is go to school for photography. I love taking pictures and want to learn as much as I can about it. I’m afraid that I would either suck at it or have a really hard time getting a job in it. I don’t know what to do. I also keep going back to wanting to work at either a makeup company or doing makeup for weddings. AHHHHHH. You see?? I literally can’t make up my mind. I was only supposed to put 2 options and I ended with 3. If I had not realized this I probably would have kept going. I need help. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I obviously cannot pick my own future.

I thought by writing this post I would have more clarity about things, but have now ended up more frustrated then ever. Maybe this is why I haven’t wanted to write in a while. I was pushing this down and my mind decided to just ignore all this and pretend that everything is okay. IT IS NOT. I need to stop being lazy and figure out what the hell I am doing with my life.

A New Day

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.

Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.

So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.

That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.

*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**

**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.

What do you do when your future stares right at you?

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. My boss occasionally sends out e-mails of new job openings in the office. I usually just ignore them because the last thing I want to do it apply for a position I'm lukewarm about and have to commit myself to at least another year of working at a place I do not like. Today my boss IMed me asking if I got his recent e-mail about the job posting. I didn't want to say yes but there is no way I am applying so I just replied back with a cool "Yep". But seeing through my move he asked if I had any interest in the position? He had stumped me; I had no idea how to reply back. I just wrote back "Not sure" and then I typed, "I have to think about it" To which he told me to "think quickly." Obviously my boss wants me to apply for the position, which I am deeply flattered by. The new position is basically what I am doing now but I have a little more power in the whole process and my hours would be 9-6 instead of 10-7 which is a major plus. I'm not sure how different the salary would be but it would defiantly be more then the pathetic salary I am making now. Making this offer very tempting to me.

The downside? I know that this is not the career for me. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. While it would make me a little happier and would take the stress away from me having to look for a new job, I am still settling. What should I do? So I go for it to by myself some time? Or pass it up like all the others and look for something that truly interests me? The thing is if I go for this job and get it, I will basically be agreeing to working for this company for at least another year. I'm not sure if I can last that long. I know deep down I should just bite the bullet and start looking for a job elsewhere but something is preventing me from doing that. Am I setting myself up to be miserable? That's what I feel like I'm doing. Or maybe its just fear of the future and of the unknown. Either way I need to take a look inside and see what I should do. Any thoughts??