Finding myself

One month from today I will be 25. For a while now I’m been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Now that I am about to officially hit the mark, I am really freaking out.

Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am now at this age. When I was younger I was so SURE that by this time I would have a fabulous career, a million friends, living on my own, and with the most perfect boyfriend.

I have none of those things.

Sure I have a job, but as I’ve mentioned in the past. I HATE it.

Sure I have friends, but they are spread about all over the place. There are only a few that I live near and can see on a regular basis. The rest require planning months in advance.

I still live at home, but that’s mostly my doing because I’m saving up my money so I can afford things like food when I finally do move.

No boyfriend. Not even a fling around.

All in all, my life is pretty pathetic at the moment.

Even though I wish my life were how I imagined it so many years ago, what I wish for more is to just be content with who I am right now. Why can’t I just be happy?

Why can’t I say to myself yes you don’t like your job but at least you have a job and that’s more important. Even though you dislike it, you are great at what you do. You receive little to no complaints about your performance and that should tell me something about the person I am.

Why can’t I see that I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy? That instead of obsessing over not having a loved one, I should be focusing on making ME happy. That in order for me to ever have a success relationship I have to work on myself first.

Most of all, I want to be content with my body. Inside and out. I have the worst self-esteem and I feel that that is the reason why I am where I am right now. I don’t have a good career because I don’t go after one. I’m afraid I’ll fail and that I don’t deserve the job. I’m afraid if I do move out of my house, nothing will change and I will still be miserable. I don’t attempt to make new friends because I don’t think anyone will like me. Same goes with guys.

I have posted two pictures of myself on here before. It took forever to find a photo that didn’t show my whole body and was kinda flattering. I actually deep down think that if I were to show the real me, you wouldn’t like me anymore and the few readers I have would stop altogether. That’s how bad my self-esteem is.

If a guy even shows a little interest in me, I freeze. The first thought in my head is he must be drunk to be talking to me. He could find someone much better looking than me. Just this past weekend I was at a bar and a guy came up to dance with me. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying it, I just kept thinking those things. Because of my weight I feel like no man will ever truly be interested in me.

I know that isn’t true, but every time a guy approaches me I get that little voice in my head that says that. I basically use my weight as a defensive mechanism. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s not because of me its because of my weight.

Instead of being proactive and doing something about it. I don’t. Why? I’m scared.

I’m scared I won’t be happy.

I’m scared people will hurt me.

I wish I could put it into better words, but that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m in this weird Catch 22 with myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.

That’s what I want for my birthday. To be happy with who I am. To finally stop being afraid and to just go for it. Whatever IT may be.

Officially the start of summer

Memorial Day weekend was so much fun! I really hope it’s foreshadowing to how the whole summer will be.

The weather was amazing, I went to a couple of BBQs, and went out a few times to places that had just the right amount of people. Crowded but not so bad that you want to leave and just everyone having a good time. Best of all I got to catch up on some much needed sleep. One morning I actually slept til 10:30 in the morning and that never happens anymore!

It was a much needed three day weekend. Also it’s already Wednesday and we’re almost to the weekend again! I love that. Yesterday was crazy busy at work, it was like I blinked my eyes and it was time to go home. Which I was happy about, there is nothing worse then sitting at work and the day just won’t end.

Today my dog is getting neutered. He was at first really mad at me for not feeding him. He was freaking out, running around the house and even jumping up to the kitchen table to look for food. Then when I dropped him at the Vet he was shaking and holding on to me. I just wanted to turn around and take him home. He looked so sad. I know it’s necessary and he will be fine in a few days.

Thursday Thoughts

After spending what seemed to be months of searching I finally booked my vacation for this summer!!!

I am going to Jamaica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t be more excited. I have never been there before and the place we my friends and I are staying seems really nice. It’s all-inclusive and there are tons of daily activities offered that is included that most AI places don’t usually offer. Such as water skiing, banana boats, snorkeling, glass bottom boat rides and so much more!

Have any of you ever been to Jamaica?? I would appreciate any tips you have to offer.

The only downside to this is I have to wait til the end of August for my trip! It seems way to far away. I might have to take a few long weekends to help me along.

Have you ever been in a good mood but it just seems the world is out to make it gloomy? That was yesterday for me. I woke up in a good mood and it was like everyone tried to bring me down. Co-workers, my boss, my mom, friends, and even my dog!

The little shit (literally) had diarrhea yesterday and pooped on the floor. Luckily it is hardwood floors so it usually easy to clean up, but either my family didn’t notice the poop or just ignored it because by the time I came home last night it was STUCK to the floor. It took me having to get on my hands and knees and scrub vigorously until it was off.

What started out as me being in a really good mood quickly deteriorated into me being completely pissed off at the world. Luckily I woke up again this morning in another great mood and so far the world doesn’t seem to be coming after me!

How could I be in a bad mood when I just booked a vacation, my office is having a pot luck lunch today, it's gorgeous out, and I get to leave at 2 tomorrow to enjoy a, hopefully, beautiful three day weekend!!

What is your mood like today?

Meh

This week has been kinda blah. I can’t think of anything to write about. I’m just…. blah.

Nothing new is happening in my life and no stories to tell.

The only thing I can report on is that my foot is doing MUCH better this week. Like it hasn’t felt this good in a long time better. However I’m afraid I might jinx myself if I think that the procedure is working. Whenever people ask I just say it’s OK and nothing more. I’ve been let down to many times before.

I really do hope that it will take!

On another note have any of you seen the new show called Glee???

It was AMAZING. Seriously I watched it last night and I’m STILL thinking about it. I’m mad I have to wait til the fall the see more episodes. I might have to watch the series premiere again soon.

If you haven’t seen it yet, what are you waiting for??? Go watch it online NOW

Relaxation was the theme

According to my doctor everything is on track with my foot. I still have pain but it is much less that it was last week. You know what I hate though? When you wait in a doctor’s office for 45 minutes only to see the doctor for a grand total of 2 minutes if that! I was so pissed I had to wait so long just to hear that everything is okay and see you next time. I’m happy there was nothing wrong, but still lets not make me wait so long next time kay?

This past weekend was pretty low key. Spent some time with friends, took my dogs to the park, watched some movies, all in all it was pretty nice. You should rent Taken by the way. It was really good.

I wanted to go out at night but I was afraid because I wouldn’t be able to stand for a long period of time and the places my friends wanted to go there has very, if any, limited seating. However I wasn’t to upset, because next weekend is when I really want to be able to go out. Better to rest up my leg this weekend and prepare for next.

I really cannot believe next weekend is Memorial Day. I am so excited. It should be filled with BBQs, seeing old friends, and hopefully, if the weather is good, drinks at a bar on the beach. Plus the three-day weekend is much needed and I can’t wait to sleep in for 3 days! Well I don’t really sleep in anymore, but sleeping til 8:30/9 is a win in my book.

Do you have any plans for Memorial Day?

Thursday Thoughts

• I cannot believe that next weekend is Memorial Day weekend!!! This year is flying by!!! I am so excited for the three-day weekend. Also even more exciting the start of summer Friday’s at my office!!!
• Now that it is May I am ready for it to be really warm. I am itching to go swimming!!
• I still haven't planned my summer vacation. I'm starting to get worried that I won't be able to do anything.
• I was really upset at the biggest loser. Helen shouldn't have won in my opinion. She look anorexic and plus she made her daughter go home instead of herself? What parent does that??
• I recently bought some clothes online at forever 21. They have a new plus size line there. They don't have a huge selection and also they only go up to 2x! So really it's only partially plus sized. Most other places go up to at least 3X. Anyway, I got 4 shirts there. 2 fit great and 2 were a little too tight. Which was better then I was expecting, plus they are cute and cheap and will serve as a good going out shirts this summer.
• I'm about to leave work and go see my foot doctor. Fingers crossed that everything is going good!

What are your thoughts today?

Mother's Day

This past weekend was Mother's Day. I got my mom a mailbox and the cutest thing from Etsy. A mailbox because her's is broken. There is no door on it. Now I didn't want her to get made that I got something so lame so I got her a custom piece from the brick kiln.

I decided to not show the one I got my mom because it had my name and my brother's names on it. Even though you know mine, I wanted to keep my brother's name a secret.

Mine looked just like this but instead had 2 boys and a girl on it.

Isn't that adorable!! I was so excited when I got it! All the names were spelt correctly and even though it was smaller then I was expecting it was still great. They were quick too! I got it about a week before Mother's Day. Plenty of time to make sure it was good enough for my mom!

I defiantly recommend you checking out this shop! They have tons of other options to choose from and the prices are very reasonable. With Father's day approaching you might want to check this place out for your dad. Or get one for yourself! I'm very tempted to get one for myself.

Mother's day was pretty nice. My family went to my grandma's in north jersey. I love going there. Even though she lives in Jersey City she has a really nice backyard. There is a semi-big garden with even an apple, pear and peach trees! It was a nice day so we spent a lot of it outside. We even took the two dogs so they could enjoy the day.

Then my grandma made homemade Manicotti and I was in HEAVEN. She is the best cook ever!

Ouch!

My procedure on my foot was a little more intense than I was expecting it to be. Started on Thursday when the hospital called to tell me I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. You don’t normally have to do that unless you are getting surgery. Well guess what. I basically had surgery on Friday. I was not very happy.

I thought this would be a quick thing, in and out of the hospital in an hour. Nope I had to check in at 10 am and I didn’t get home until almost 5 pm. Since I wasn’t prepared to go under or anything like that I was a mess. I was crying hysterically while they gave me an IV. Which is really embarrassing. The nurse told me I should never have kids. lol. Thanks a lot lady!

I don’t do well with IVs. I think they are very painful. To prepare I always get this cream on my hands to help ease the pain. Since I didn’t know I was getting an IV I wasn’t able to do that this time. Which made the tears come down even harder. After the IV I calmed down a little but I was still pretty upset. I just didn’t want to be there.

Also I was starving. All I could think about was food. Delicious food. I wanted it to be done so I can go home and eat!

Finally they wheeled me down to the operating room. I meet my anesthesiologist and he look just like Bill Bob Thornton! He even talked like him, which was kinda weird. He gave me some meds and I was basically asleep before I was in the room.

When I woke up my foot was KILLING me. Oh man did it hurt. They gave me something to help the pain and lots of ice was packed on my foot. I also woke up feeling really sick. When I was able to get out of recovery and back up to the holding room they gave me a roll and some ginger ale. It tasted delicious but because I was nauseous I ended up throwing up. TMI sorry. I couldn’t keep any food down! So now I was hungry and sick all at once. Not a good combo.

Since I was sick they wouldn’t let me leave right away. I had to feel better. An hour later I was cleared to go home. Luckily I didn’t need crutches or anything I just had to wear a little boot on my foot. It hurt really bad to walk though.

I got home and felt a lot better. Being home always seems to do that. The rest of the weekend was spent with me on the couch, icing my foot and taking some medicine. I was in pain but it wasn’t too terrible.

I went in to work yesterday which was a bad idea. It took like 30 minutes to walk 6 blocks. I was in a lot of pain and I felt sick again. I tried to stay as long as I could but after I puked in the bathroom (TMI again) I decided I needed to go home. Which is why I didn’t post yesterday.

I feel a lot better today but I think I might actually be sick. Which sucks and is really bad timing. I did make it into work so that was good. I’m walking better and better every day and hopefully when I see the doctor on Thursday I won’t have to wear this boot anymore!

The doctor said I shouldn’t expect to see any real results for a while with my foot. But I will let you know how my progress is going and if this whole thing was worth it!

Thursday Thoughts

• I am so glad that I don’t have to go in to work tomorrow and today is my Friday.
• Even though I will be in pain tomorrow, considering the week I had, I will gladly take in exchange of not going to work tomorrow.
• Speaking of tomorrow. I am getting really nervous. I’m afraid of the pain. I’m afraid it won’t take. My anxiety is out of control. I just want it to be over already you know? This waiting stuff is killing me!
• I am so SICK of the rain. This is not Seattle. When is the sun coming back???
• I am really upset that Jon from Jon and Kate plus 8 is being such a douche. Even if he didn’t cheat, in my opinion he was/is well on his way to. That is not going to solve your problems Jon!

What are your thoughts today?

An open letter

Dear NJ Transit,

I thought we discussed this already?? You were going to be on your best behavior and not run late anymore!! Why the hell did it take me over THREE hours to get home last night? Three hours!!

I get home late enough as it is. This was just ridiculous. I usually get home at 8:30 every night. Last night? I didn’t walk in the door til 10:30. It took me over 2 hours to just get from NY Penn station to Newark. That’s only supposed to take 20 minutes!!

I am furious at you NJ Transit. You better man up and start running on time again. I was starving and practically in tears when I walked through that door last night. Does that make you happy?

I’m begging you. Please please never do that to me again.

Sincerely,

A very unhappy commuter

Am I turning into an old lady?

This past weekend: Eye doctor

Monday: Dentist

Friday: Hospital for my PRP Injections

Saturday: Getting fit for orthodics

Does anyone else think this list sounds like something an 80 year old woman would be doing this week and NOT a 24 year old???

I’m getting really sick of having to go to the doctor so much! Here’s hoping that I will be done with all this crap soon!