One month from today I will be 25. For a while now I’m been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Now that I am about to officially hit the mark, I am really freaking out.
Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am now at this age. When I was younger I was so SURE that by this time I would have a fabulous career, a million friends, living on my own, and with the most perfect boyfriend.
I have none of those things.
Sure I have a job, but as I’ve mentioned in the past. I HATE it.
Sure I have friends, but they are spread about all over the place. There are only a few that I live near and can see on a regular basis. The rest require planning months in advance.
I still live at home, but that’s mostly my doing because I’m saving up my money so I can afford things like food when I finally do move.
No boyfriend. Not even a fling around.
All in all, my life is pretty pathetic at the moment.
Even though I wish my life were how I imagined it so many years ago, what I wish for more is to just be content with who I am right now. Why can’t I just be happy?
Why can’t I say to myself yes you don’t like your job but at least you have a job and that’s more important. Even though you dislike it, you are great at what you do. You receive little to no complaints about your performance and that should tell me something about the person I am.
Why can’t I see that I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy? That instead of obsessing over not having a loved one, I should be focusing on making ME happy. That in order for me to ever have a success relationship I have to work on myself first.
Most of all, I want to be content with my body. Inside and out. I have the worst self-esteem and I feel that that is the reason why I am where I am right now. I don’t have a good career because I don’t go after one. I’m afraid I’ll fail and that I don’t deserve the job. I’m afraid if I do move out of my house, nothing will change and I will still be miserable. I don’t attempt to make new friends because I don’t think anyone will like me. Same goes with guys.
I have posted two pictures of myself on here before. It took forever to find a photo that didn’t show my whole body and was kinda flattering. I actually deep down think that if I were to show the real me, you wouldn’t like me anymore and the few readers I have would stop altogether. That’s how bad my self-esteem is.
If a guy even shows a little interest in me, I freeze. The first thought in my head is he must be drunk to be talking to me. He could find someone much better looking than me. Just this past weekend I was at a bar and a guy came up to dance with me. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying it, I just kept thinking those things. Because of my weight I feel like no man will ever truly be interested in me.
I know that isn’t true, but every time a guy approaches me I get that little voice in my head that says that. I basically use my weight as a defensive mechanism. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s not because of me its because of my weight.
Instead of being proactive and doing something about it. I don’t. Why? I’m scared.
I’m scared I won’t be happy.
I’m scared people will hurt me.
I wish I could put it into better words, but that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m in this weird Catch 22 with myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.
That’s what I want for my birthday. To be happy with who I am. To finally stop being afraid and to just go for it. Whatever IT may be.