Thursday, May 28, 2009

Finding myself

One month from today I will be 25. For a while now I’m been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Now that I am about to officially hit the mark, I am really freaking out.

Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am now at this age. When I was younger I was so SURE that by this time I would have a fabulous career, a million friends, living on my own, and with the most perfect boyfriend.

I have none of those things.

Sure I have a job, but as I’ve mentioned in the past. I HATE it.

Sure I have friends, but they are spread about all over the place. There are only a few that I live near and can see on a regular basis. The rest require planning months in advance.

I still live at home, but that’s mostly my doing because I’m saving up my money so I can afford things like food when I finally do move.

No boyfriend. Not even a fling around.

All in all, my life is pretty pathetic at the moment.

Even though I wish my life were how I imagined it so many years ago, what I wish for more is to just be content with who I am right now. Why can’t I just be happy?

Why can’t I say to myself yes you don’t like your job but at least you have a job and that’s more important. Even though you dislike it, you are great at what you do. You receive little to no complaints about your performance and that should tell me something about the person I am.

Why can’t I see that I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy? That instead of obsessing over not having a loved one, I should be focusing on making ME happy. That in order for me to ever have a success relationship I have to work on myself first.

Most of all, I want to be content with my body. Inside and out. I have the worst self-esteem and I feel that that is the reason why I am where I am right now. I don’t have a good career because I don’t go after one. I’m afraid I’ll fail and that I don’t deserve the job. I’m afraid if I do move out of my house, nothing will change and I will still be miserable. I don’t attempt to make new friends because I don’t think anyone will like me. Same goes with guys.

I have posted two pictures of myself on here before. It took forever to find a photo that didn’t show my whole body and was kinda flattering. I actually deep down think that if I were to show the real me, you wouldn’t like me anymore and the few readers I have would stop altogether. That’s how bad my self-esteem is.

If a guy even shows a little interest in me, I freeze. The first thought in my head is he must be drunk to be talking to me. He could find someone much better looking than me. Just this past weekend I was at a bar and a guy came up to dance with me. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying it, I just kept thinking those things. Because of my weight I feel like no man will ever truly be interested in me.

I know that isn’t true, but every time a guy approaches me I get that little voice in my head that says that. I basically use my weight as a defensive mechanism. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s not because of me its because of my weight.

Instead of being proactive and doing something about it. I don’t. Why? I’m scared.

I’m scared I won’t be happy.

I’m scared people will hurt me.

I wish I could put it into better words, but that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m in this weird Catch 22 with myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.

That’s what I want for my birthday. To be happy with who I am. To finally stop being afraid and to just go for it. Whatever IT may be.

8 comments:

AY@tes said...

I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and that everyone will know happyness in their lives. Sometimes you need to go looking for it, which really sucks.

I have been where you are right now, I didn't know where I was or where I was going with my life.

I wish I could offer you better advice than "hang in there", but thats the best that I can offer right now as everyone finds something different to make them happy.

What makes you truly happy? What always brings a smile on your face?

AY@tes said...

Speaking of jobs (forgot this part), I've been meaning to move to Toronto and apply to jobs in my field (software development) but I can't muster up the courage to do that. I keep finding an excuse to stay here in my comfort zone, I should pay off this bill first, I'm not qualified for that job, I don't speak french. None of which is a real reason for stopping me from moving.

I have given my self a time limit. I will be living in Toronto working within the next 6 months.

Karen said...

I am big fan of being happy where you are in life. I cannot stand the thought of wasting a single second of life putting happiness on hold until "that thing" happens. (whatever "that thing" happens to be for you). But at the same time, that kind of thinking leads me to get stuck in situations longer than I should. I need a little of your attitude in me.

Seriously, self esteem is the only thing that will get ahead in all aspects of life. You have to know that you are worth the man, the job, the hot body, the apartment, etc.

Maybe a little therapy in that area might be a good b-day gift to yourself.

erin - heart in ireland said...

Are there little things you can do to build your self confidence? One thing my rowing coach had us do in college was say 10 positive things each morning. Maybe you could start with something like that?

You need to believe in yourself :)

If you think this is playing a problem with your overall happiness, maybe going to talk to someone will help? They might be able to help create a plan and figure out how to teach you to be more confident.

Allison Blass said...

I've totally been where you are... not sure about the job, being all alone - both romantically and friendshiply (?), dissatisfied with the way I look.

Then I got the guy.

And you know what? He didn't fix everything. In fact, now there's more to worry about and think about. There's a lot to be excited about, but it's not perfect. Relationships rarely are.

I'm still not sure about my job, or where I live, and especially not how I look. I work hard to stay healthy, yet I'm not seeing the results I should. It's frustrating to try to make progress and yet not see anything.

Truth is, you never know until try - which is the cliche answer, but ya know, they become cliches for a reason! I think you should give whatever you want a shot. If it doesn't work out, at least you tried. You never know, it could be perfect!

You might not be happy right away... people will probably hurt you. Not everyone, but some people. That's life.

And I see you live in NJ. I live in NJ. Where do you live? Maybe we could hang out...

Valérie said...

You're not the only one to feel this way. But I believe you'll find your path, your prince charming and that you'll be happy. The quaterlife crisis is something normal we're almost all going through.
There's a book that really helped me. Maybe you've heard about it but really read it and i can promise you you'll see a change :)
Christine Hassler "20 something, 20 everything". Gosh,she should hire me, i recommend this book to everybody all the time haha

Seriously, I'm sure you'll eventually become the woman you want to be. Just try not to put too much pressure on yourself :)

Best,

Valerie.

magda said...

This is a great post. It's hard to be that honest and vulnerable, but I'm glad that you were: I think naming your fears, and writing them out, will help you conquer them. (And you will! With time, you will. There is someone fabulous in you, which is kind of weird for me to say since I only know you in a very limited Internet way. But yeah).

And oh, the 25th birthday. I HATED that one. 25 was my scary age; the age that seemed so grown up when I was a kid. I was going to be dating Mr. perfect, else married; I was going to have the dream life and be fabulous. Truth: I was living with my parents, done with school and looking for a job, and generally getting on everyone's nerves (including my own) that I was so educated but going, hmmm, NOWHERE.

Things picked up. I got a job that, while the people frustrate me often, is actually a career. I have started making real friends. Still no luck on the Mr. Perfect, but not bad progress on balance! I think what I've learned through all of this is that timelines don't really work. There are no magic ages or dates by which certain things will just "appear." Just work on being happy with you today ... and a little bit more tomorrow, and the day after that ... and before you know it, things will be happening. One day at a time.

xo.

Mary and Sean said...

I've recently embarked on a challenge of self-discovery myself. For the month of June, I've committed to doing something new every single day. So far, it's been a blast, and I'm amazed at how much energy and confidence you can get from just getting out of your comfort zone!