Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Loving Myself

So I've been doing this challenge at the gym for about a week and a half. It's been going okay so far. I've been completing my daily challenges and trying to lose weight. If I stay on track and lose a good chunk of weight I really feel like I can win this thing. Which is now over $900!The only thing holding me back are these bonus challenges that they have each week.

They are impossible.

So far there are 2 bonus challenges, and both I cannot do. And it's so frustrating and I feel so out of place. I am the biggest person doing this thing and people who are really fit can't even do them. What hope does that give me? I already feel so far behind, especially when the second biggest person is like 40 pounds lighter than me.

It just makes me so upset. I know I am on the right track to getting healthy, but I get so mad at myself for get this way. It's such a long journey and I know there aren't any shortcuts, but sometimes I feel hopeless.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't even deserve to be thin. Which I know logically that's crazy, but I can't help having those feelings creep in. I need to love myself as I am right NOW, but I just can't. Years and years I've always been told I'm not good enough. It's hard to erase those words and the pain they caused. Plus having a father who disappeared from my life when I was 12 doesn't help me either. If he couldn't be bothered to care for me, why should I?

This past year, slowly things have been clicking with me. I'm a lot stronger and I do like myself a lot better than I used to. If I didn't, I wouldn't have even started this weight loss journey. I'm just not all the way there yet. I truly believe losing weight is more mental than anything else. I need to be at peace with who I am, before I can really push myself physically.

I think this is the number one reason as to why I can't do these bonus challenges. I get it in my head before even trying that I can't do it. I need to start believing in myself and trusting that my body can do these tasks. I'm getting there, and hopefully this challenge will help me get there faster.

1 comment:

erin - heart in ireland said...

you can do it! you are going to have some set-backs but you've been working hard and you've seen results. good luck and you can do these tasks!!