Thursday, May 27, 2010


I know I am super late in the game but I just finished that last Harry Potter book last night!!!!!!

The whole series was sooo good!!!!!!! I wish there was another book to read. I hate not knowing what happens to everyone else from the books that was mentioned at the end.

I now can't wait for the next movie to come out and I just bought the first 6 DVDs so I can watch all the movies again to see what I missed the first time around.

I might just be a little obsessed. lol.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The next step

As I mentioned before my mom had a time share that would be expiring at the end of August. None of my friends wanted to spend the money to go (I mean REALLY? All they had to worry about was the plane ticket and food!), and my brother was originally going to use but for a bunch of reasons he ended up not being about to go. My mom could have extended it for a cost but the same problems would still be there 6 months from now.

Anyway I had a brilliant idea, well at the time I thought it was, to take my two 16 year old cousins with me. I know they are young but they are kind of like sisters to me. I really enjoy their company and I try to always be there for them. I asked their mom what she thought and she was all on board!! I was so excited about being able to go on vacation, even though I hadn’t even found a place yet.

Then panic mode set it. Was I an idiot taking two teen girls with me on vacation? Would I be able to handle a whole week with them? What if something horrible happens? What about renting a car and getting around? Can I handle that alone?

I was making myself sick with worry. I mean literally. My stomach was in knots and I was having some bathroom problems. (TMI) I must have talked myself out of this trip a thousand times. Making a million excuses as to why I couldn’t go. Then I realized that I was more worried about being out of my comfort zone than anything else. If there was ever an opportunity to push past my comfort zone and really start living my life, this was it.

I pushed my feelings down and started looking for places of where we could go. Since it’s so late into the year not a lot of places that looked good were available. They looked dingy, gross and not in the best areas. Then one day this amazing place came up! Seriously, out of 5 stars this place had a 4.5 rating by past visitors. I have never seen a place with more glowing reviews than this. The room is gigantic, and the resort has just so much to offer. There is a lazy river, waterslide, two pools, right on the beach, a free movie theater, mini golf, tennis courts, and so much more that I can’t even remember! I know Florida in August will be disgustingly hot but honestly I was in Jamaica last August and nothing can top that heat!

I took a deep breath and booked the place. I didn’t want to risk losing such an amazing place. Even though I am nervous, I am so happy I am doing this. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone and going on what looks to become a kickass vacation!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Stepping Stones

Last week was filled with anxiety for me. Most of it for nothing.

I hate that I over think everything. I mean before making big decisions I go over every possible scenario in my head about what could happen. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. Now? I just can’t do that. If I don’t think things through my anxiety will go into over drive and I can’t handle that.

But sometimes I think I am too cautious about things. It’s like I’ve become afraid of LIVING. I know that sounds weird but seriously I feel like I’m stuck because my own fears are preventing me from doing anything worthwhile.

This past week was a big stepping stone for me. Actually it was a number of stepping stones. I know for others what I say won’t seem like a big deal but to me? It was a HUGE step for me to get out of myself imposed prison and start moving on and living.

The first step actually happened a few months back. A good friend of mine was getting married. She asked me to do a reading for her at the church. I was so honored at being thought of, but as soon as she asked I went into panic mode. The best way to describe would be to feel like all the blood left your head, your heart starts beating and you begin to tremble a little inside. That’s what my panic mode feels like.

Anyway I was so nervous that I of course had to go over all the possible ways I could embarrass myself. I could trip walking up, be so nervous that my voice shakes uncontrollably, or maybe even cry. However I didn’t want to let her down or think I was saying no because of her so I agreed. And then spent the next few weeks freaking out about it. I was so nervous.

The thing is, I kind of rock at Public Speaking. In high school and College I did great whenever I had to speak in front of classes and I had a professor in college once ask me to join the debate team. I am really good at speaking in public when there are a lot of people and I don’t know anyone. Throw in a people I know and love and all that confidence falls by the wayside.

I was determined to overcome this and do well for my friend. The day of I was surprising calm. Even when we got there I was okay. No panic mode, no nothing. Even walking up to the alter I felt fine. Once I got up to the podium I felt a little rush of adrenaline, but then I just dove in and did my reading.

And I rocked it! No shaking voice, no crying, walked with purpose and poise. It was great. I am proud of myself that I was able to face my fear and do something like this. I was just so happy to be a part of their day! Also, I felt a lot better when the second reader’s voice was a little shaky in the beginning of her reading and the other person who did the blessings started to cry!! I felt terrible for them, but also a little bit better that I wasn’t the only one nervous about speaking in public!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Tongue Tied

There are a lot of things that I want/need to write about but I can't seem to put anything into words.

Basically though, I've been having big time anxiety issues all week about various different things. I'm trying to push past these problems and force myself to step outside my comfort zone.

It's NOT easy.

Hopefully in the next few days I can articulate more on what's going on.

Hope you've been having a better week than me!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Gotta go right now

This is embarrassing for me to talk about….

I think I have an overactive bladder.

Seriously!! I guess I’m secretly and 85 year old woman. lol

I’ve always been a big water drinker. It’s a habit that I got into when I was younger. When I had surgery on my knee the first time I was home for a long time. Instead of eating and eating, I decided to start drinking more. I would literally fill up a huge glass, hold it in one hand and crutch back to my couch (I have serious talents with crutches) and go to town. I’m weird. Anyway since I drink so much water I always assumed that was the reason I went to the bathroom so much.

But now I’m not so sure. I’ve cut back on the water intake to see if I would have to go less, nope, still going just as often as before. It can’t be normal to have to go to the bathroom this much. Sometimes I’m going every two hours. Even worse? When I go and like 20 minutes later I feel like I have to go again!!!!!

I wouldn’t mind this so much but people notice when you go so much. At work I try to do other things first (like check my mailbox or fill my water bottle) so people don’t realize that I’m going into the bathroom, every single time. Also it can be limiting. When I go out I usually have to make sure that at some point there will to be a bathroom nearby. Road trips I always have to stop. Sleeping is the worst though. I ALWAYS get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Some nights it’s like 4 times I’ll go. This has a serious effect on how well I sleep and how I feel the next morning. Still tired.

All my friends know this about me and we all make fun of it, but inside I’m embarrassed. Honestly I’m mortified I’m even writing about this right now.

I think I need to go see a doctor and maybe go on some kind of medication. You know those commercials: “gotta go gotta go gotta go right now…” that’s how I feel sometimes. I’m resolved that once the summer starts, I get off early on Fridays so I can see a doctor without taking time off, I will hopefully get to the bottom of this problem.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

better. excited!

Today is the first day that I feel somewhat normal. Being sick is the worst. Not being able to sleep, being achey, cranky, and just all around miserable. Ugh. Hopefully by the weekend I'll be back to my old self!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but my brother's wife is pregnant. Her due date is next week!!!!!! I am soo excited for them and I can't believe I'm going to be an aunt. I will spoil this child rotten.

I'm pretty sure since it's her first baby that is won't come next week. I know this sounds selfish but I want her to have the baby during the week. With Memorial Day quickly approaching, (seriously where did this month go?!!!!) I wouldn't want to have to deal with hours of traffic trying to make my way to Virginia to see them. lol.

I just can't wait for the baby to come. I am so happy for them and I know my brother will be a great dad!

Monday, May 10, 2010


I woke up this morning feeling like death. I am sick and I'm not too happy.

It was creeping up on my for a few days. A couple of restless nights, some coughing, a little achey....

and then BAM full out sick.

All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

Since I refuse to take off from work when I'm sick, I'll just have to power through until the weekend.

Bahhh, it's May I shouldn't be sick like this!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I woke up at 5 am this morning to my dog puking on my bed!!!!!

Not the best way to start my day...

Now I'm exhausted and cranky.

Can't wait til this day is over and I can go home and go to sleep with a clean comforter.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Random Thoughts

I told you all about my spring cleaning. Apparently my cleaning out my closet was a green light to go on a shopping spree. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants, 4 tops, one beach dress and a pair of lounging shorts. All online, and all in one day. Geez. I have NO self control sometimes. Anyway I really needed some more summer clothes. I feel like all I own is winter stuff and with this insane heat NJ as been having, I needed it.

Speaking of shopping I also bought the new Sookie Stackhouse book and the Jen Lancaster books. Both released today. I am so excited to read both of them. I can’t wait to see what happens next to Sookie and what hilarious tales Jen will be telling.

I don’t normally talk about my job here but I had my performance review the other day and it was excellent!!!!!!! I couldn’t be happier and I can’t wait to see my next pay check and the little bit of extra money I’ll now be getting!

Not so good news? NJ Transit has raised their ticket prices. My monthly train pass is going up a whopping 80 dollars!!! Ugh. Not very happy about this at all.

My mom owns a timeshare. We have one week that is going to expire at the end of August. I wasn’t really planning on going on vacation this summer because I want to try and visit my brother in India come the fall. However it would be stupid to just let this week go to waste. Also it seems most of my friends don’t want to go away anywhere and spend a lot of money. This means I don’t really have anyone to go away with.

I’m not really sure what to do. It would be nice to just go to Florida or something but I don’t really want to go by myself. Or maybe I could try and sell the week on craigslist or something. But that could get messy. I just need to look into this more. I keep on procrastinating it for some reason but something needs to be booked soon. Any suggestions??