Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dreams part 2

Thanks to the lovely Turquoise Ribbons, I am now obsessed with So I did a lot of researching yesterday (it was a long day at work) and I discovered some partial answers to my questions. I would like to share with you my discoveries and tell you whether or now I agree with it.

Recurring Dreams.
According to the website:

"Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. These dreams may recur daily, once a week, or once a month, but whatever the frequency, there is little variation in the dream content itself. It usually points to a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life past or present."

- I agree with this concept, but I have not idea what the hell my dreams are trying to tell me. Which is probably why I keep on having it over and over again. If I had to guess, it might be the fact that I'm unsatisfied with my current job, living situation, just my life in general. It may be a signal for me to get off my ass and do something about it.

Dream taking place in my old house
According to the website:
"To see your childhood home in particular, suggests your own desires for building a family. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation."

- I don't really feel a desire to have a family in my waking life, mostly because I am still way to young. But the second part I can totally understand. I was a much different and happier person in that home. I would give anything to have that confidence back and to feel that way again. Which is probably why I am currently holding myself back, I am afraid I won't succeed. Back then I always at least tried new things. Lately I haven't even tried.

Dreams taking place in a village
According to the website:
"To dream that you are in a village, represents restrictions. It may also indicate that you are unsophisticated, but well-balanced. Alternatively, it signifies community, simplicity, and tradition."

- Couldn't agree more.

I could keep going but I don't want to bore you. But I do suggest you check out the website. It has been really eye opening for me. It made me step back and really think about my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing that a lot lately, but this made me look at it from a different angle. It really helped me recognize a lot of my insecurities and unrest.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Falling from the sky…

Let’s talk about dreams. I have really crazy dreams. I love trying to decode what my dreams mean and how to “solve” them. I came across this article on dreams and it addresses the 7 most common types of dreams, from falling to finding yourself naked in a crowded room. Of course for me, none of these explanations really helps. My dreams are never that cut and dry. They are vivid and have extreme detail in them. Since I don’t sleep that soundly to begin with, I always seem to be able to remember my dreams because I wake up so often.

What I want to know is why in my dreams; no matter what I’m doing, they always take place in one of 2 places? Either in my old house, or in this village that my mind made up (but it always looks the same in my dream). Seriously, they are always in either one of these places. Sometimes it defers and goes some place else, but very rarely. What does that mean? Does my brain lack imagination while I’m sleeping? One time I had a dream I was on the Real World Seattle (which was one of my favorites) and while I was in Seattle on that dock, the house was still the one I used to live in.

I need to find a dreamologist, whatever they are called, and get some answers. Interestingly I did find out once that if you are going to the bathroom in your dream it meant that you are relieving stress.

Here is something funny, one time I was dreaming that I was falling, only to wake up right before I face planted into my nightstand. I almost broke my noise. Or another time I was dreaming that I was climbing a mountain, and I woke up on my floor, feet up on the bed, clutching my comforter like a rope.

Does anybody know why that happens? Why when your dreaming it can get so intense that your body acts it out? What about you? Any dreams that you wish you could make sense of??

Monday, July 28, 2008

I want to be a teen again!

The weekend with my cousins ended up being really fun. I felt like a kid myself and acted like an idiot the whole time. I loved every minute of it! Including when the waitress thought I was a child and did a double take when I handed her my credit card to pay for the bill. I’m pretty sure she thought I was going to give her cash and stiff her with the tip. P.S. I actually gave her a large tip, because I used to work at a restaurant (hostess) and I know how stingy other people will be with tips. The good thing was only the twins came with their friend and it is a lot more easier to deal with 3 teens rather than 4. Trust me. The only bad thing was it took me over an hour to get to their house, when it should have taken only 30 minutes. It would have been longer if I would have taken the parkway, but my aunt gave me alternate directions that would have been a lot faster minus the car accident that was there! It was still faster than the other way.

Friday when I got back to my house they wanted to go swimming. Thankfully a friend of the family didn’t mind and we ended up swimming at her house at 8 at night. I cannot remember the last time I went swimming so late and just acted like a goofball. We played games, had races and handstand contests. Whereas if I was with my friends we would have just lounged in the water, with maybe the occasional race or handstand contest. I mean I played Sharks & Minnows, Marco Polo, and the movie game! It was GREAT! Afterwards we went for a drive and got ice cream at my all time favorite place, where Bruce Springsteen actually goes to get ice cream, unfortunately he wasn’t there.

Saturday we went to the beach, then to a pool, then out to lunch. They aren’t the biggest beach fans which I don’t understand, but whatever it was their day. Being out in the sun all day completely zapped out all my energy. I was so tired but I still had to get back in the car and drive them home. Thankfully my aunt must have taken pity on me and she made me her delicious homemade pizza. It was amazing and completely made up for all the driving I did. She even gave me a whole pie to take home. Too bad my brother ate almost all of it. He left me a whole 2 slices. By the time I got home, I crashed on my couch and was a zombie for the rest of the night. I am glad though that I did it and I’m pretty sure they had a great time.

Sunday was a crazy day weather wise. It was raining like crazy and we had terrible thunderstorms. Three people were struck by lighting at the beach I usually go to, and one of them actually died! There was no way I was going out in that weather, and I was very happy to just cuddle up with my dog and watch TV for the whole day. Usually I get restless after a while, but Sunday I didn’t move and it was total bliss. The weekend ended much to soon. It’s only Monday and I cannot wait for Friday again!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Wish me luck!

In the beginning of the summer I promised my aunt that I would take her daughters for the weekend. There are 3 of them, 16 and the twins are 14. I love these girls like they are my own and I try to spoil them as much as possible because their father is a piece of shit. Seriously, I don’t hate anyone, but this man is ridiculous. He has “medical problems” and hasn’t worked in the past 4 years, forcing my aunt to work 3 jobs simultaneously just so they can make their mortgage payments. While he stays at home sleeping all day and all night. She barely has enough money to go grocery shopping. My mother and me do whatever we can to help out those girls, because they don’t deserve to have a father like that. I may not have a relationship with my dad anymore, but at least when he was still married to my mom he was a good person. He was never disrespectful and could never fathom staying at home and not working to support his family. Another thing I hate is how he doesn’t realize what amazing kids he has. They are the most well behaved teenagers you have ever seen and he thinks they are terrible. He once grounded one of them for a week because she took a piece of computer paper without asking. All she was allowed for the week was read the bible. I have never been grounded in my entire life and I have done stuff that is much worse!

Anyway, before this turns into a rant about this man, I am finally taking the girls for the weekend. I will pick them up after work today and have them until either Saturday night or Sunday. I just hope I can find enough stuff to do to entertain them. They might also bring one of their friends with them so that should be interesting. This girl is over their house every day and is basically their other sister, but it will be weird that she is staying at my house. As long as her mother is okay with it, it should be fine. I just don’t want them to get bored with me or think I’m really lame. I mean they are at that age where you are supposed to hate everything and you constantly talk about how bored you are. I have a couple of ideas of what to do with them; lets just hope they like it! Anyway wish me luck! Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

It’s hump day!

Every Wednesday I see that a lot of people post their random thoughts. Since I can’t really think one just one thing to talk about I am going to sorta do the same thing.

I am totally obsessed with watching True Life on MTV. Every time I see a new one is on or one that I haven’t’ seen I usually DVR it so I can watch it when there is nothing else on. Well last night there was nothing on so I watched one. Guess what is was called??? True Life: I’m a compulsive shopper!!!! I almost died laughing because of the post that I did that day. Then I got paranoid thinking that I could end up just like these 2 girls who owed thousands of dollars. One stole her parent’s card and maxed it out, the other never paid her bills and one day Rent-a-Center came and took all of her furniture!! Then I realized that I would never be that stupid, seriously these girls were DUMB, and I’m very good at paying all my bills on time. I usually pay them way before they are even due. I’m actually very paranoid of going into crazy debt, especially since I already owe a lot of student loans.

Speaking of shopping, I totally forgot to mention yesterday that while yes I did spend 200 dollars at Nordstrom, I ended up saving over 100 dollars. I did the math and saw that I actually got some really good quality clothes that will last at a pretty good discount.

I did something to my neck the other day and I’m in a lot of pain. I think I must have slept on it wrong because it hurts every time I try to move it. I thought it would be gone by now, it happened 3 days ago, but it’s actually worse then ever. I told my mom about it and see gave me an amazing neck massage to try and get the knot out of my neck. It felt great at the time so I thought a good nights sleep would do it and I would have no more pain today. Wrong. I woke up and not only is my neck in pain still but it has also traveled into my back. AWESOME. Not only that, I now have a HUGE bruise on my neck. I rarely ever bruise but seriously, it looks like a boyfriend beat the crap out of me. The next person who asks me what happens: I’m going to bit my lip, start to quiver and tell her that I “accidentally” fell into a door.

I think I’m losing it at work. I am no longer speaking in coherent sentences, and I’m finding ways to amuse myself. People are starting to look at me like I’m crazy. This is what happens when I start to get stir crazy. I start acting strange. Since my fellow co-workers don’t know this about me, they just try to not make any eye contact with me. But seriously I need something to do NOW, or this will get worse. I actually had to call a woman up to ask her a question and I started to talk in circles. When I realized this, I decided to start all over and actually said, “Hello this is Rose from Blah blah.” She was so confused that she started to laugh. Not just laugh, but I actually think she was crying a little bit from laughing so hard. I just told her that it’s been a long day, and then she actually thanked me for cheering up hers. Then I was actually happy at myself for making her happy, even though I made an ass out of myself. I don’t really mind when I act like this, other people do, but I just don’t care. It’s a clear sign that I need to get out of here ASAP. Maybe this weekend, I will take a big look deep down to see what my next move should be. Knowing me I will probably end up procrastinating and go to the beach. Oh well it’s worth a shot.

Another thing is I’m dying to go swimming is a POOL. I cannot believe that it’s the end of July and I haven’t been in a pool. Sure I’ve been in the ocean plenty of times, but a pool is different. I prefer it, especially now that the jellyfish have reached the Jersey Shore. Every year at this time, when the water finally gets to a temperature that is bearable to swim in they pop up. First it’s the babies, which don’t sting but you feel like your swimming in Jell-O and it really creeps me out. Then they grow up and there are tons of pink ones just waiting to sting and kill you. My biggest fear is I’m going to go to the ocean, dive into a wave, only to be hit by a jellyfish in my face! I’ve never actually been stung by one before, but I am deathly afraid of them. I need to find a pool to swim in stat, or I might go pool hopping and break into one. I’ll keep you posted.

So anything random, crazy or even rants that you need to get off your chest?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I think I have an addiction…

to online shopping! I can’t seem to stop myself. During the day, the amount of time I do actual work would be about 15 percent. The other 85 percent of the day is consisted of me surfing the web. After about an hour I’ve read all my blogs, checked out facebook and my e-mail about 20 times. There is never anything new in there, but I keep on checking. To fill up the rest of my time I peruse and inevitably end up buying a lot of stuff. My biggest weakness would be Sephora. I AM OBSESSED with all things makeup and beauty, so a website like Sephora is the Promised Land to me. I spend at least 50 bucks a pop when I buy from there (can you say free shipping?) and my checking account is starting to dwindle. I decided that I would no longer buy stuff online unless I really really needed it.

Well that lasted about a day. It lasted until I saw that Nordstrom was having a really big sale. Their “Anniversary Sale” to be exact. I thought to myself I could at least see what they might have to offer. Then I reasoned that I am in need of some new shirts to wear to work. 200 dollars later and I can now expect some fabulous new clothes by Monday. 200 DOLLARS!! I NEVER spend that much money on anything in one shot, well expect for my bags but that’s another problem for a different day. I never spend that much money in a 20 minute period of time. When I actually go to the mall to go shopping it takes me forever to decide if I'm going to purchase something “pricey”. With online shopping I apparently have no trouble spending that much money. On a side note I was originally only going to spend $149 dollars, but then I saw that if you spent $200 dollars you got free shipping. In order to avoid paying 14 dollars on shipping I decided to spend another 51 dollars. lol. I am every merchant’s dream. I fall for those schemes all the time!

Anyway I could have used that 200 dollars toward on of my bills, or better yet I could have put it in my savings. But instead I keep on doing this. Don’t get me wrong I love treating myself once in a while, but this needs to stop. It’s just so damn tempting when I have nothing else to do! I need to have better while power!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mamma Mia! Here I go again…

This weekend I went to go see Mamma Mia!. If it was up to me I would have gone to see the new Batman, but my mom really wanted to see this and the only reason why I was going to the movies was for her. I wanted to be outside by a pool because at the beach I was attacked by flies and had to leave after only an hour. Sadly there was no pool to go to, so I took refuge in the cool movie theater.

I love musicals and I am not even embarrassed to say it. I love going to see Broadway shows and watching any type of musical. I love Chicago, Grease, Hairspray, South Pacific, My Fair lady, you name it I’ve probably seen it. However there were 2 problems with Mamma Mia.

One was I really wanted to see the Broadway show first before seeing the movie. Same goes with books. I like to read the book, if there is one, before I see the movie. That way I can compare and contrast and see what the movie neglected to put in. I didn’t have the chance to go see Mamma Mia so I was reluctant to go.

Two, the movie would have been AMAZING if they would have toned it down just a tad. Obviously since it’s based off the music of ABBA and most musicals are over the top I was expecting it to be crazy, but this was a musical on crack. It was just too much, not to mention that they could have gotten better singers for some of the parts. All in all though I did still enjoy it, how could you not when there are upbeat songs and dances throughout the show? My mom LOVED it. I was kind of surprised at how much she loved it; she defiantly prefers movies that are of the crime cat and mouse kind of thing.

I do have to say though that the lead character was AWESOME. She has a great voice and amazing presence throughout the whole movie. I’m pretty sure she was the “dumb” one from the movie Mean Girls and I had no idea that she could sing like that. However I could be wrong in my guessing as who that is.

Did any of you see it? What did you think?

P.S. I cannot wait for Step Brothers to come out!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Glory days

Yesterday’s list actually did make me feel better and also reminded me how much I love that book. I think I might read it again soon. It also got me thinking about the jobs I’ve held in the past. The job I have now is my first official “grown-up job”. I commute to work; sit behind a computer all day in my cubicle that isn’t really a cubicle because it is wide open and no privacy what so ever. Anyway I was thinking about the jobs I did in high school and college before I graduated.

The best job I ever had was when I was a lifeguard at the local pool club. I did that for four summers before all my friends and I decided that we were to cool to work there anymore. By the way, I seriously wish I had stayed for a least another year after that. I probably worked there more then I do at the job I currently have. But I didn’t mind because I had a great circle of friends and I was outside the whole day. I got a killer tan and I was in the best shape of my life (we had to swim 500 yards everyday).I would get there at 8:30, teach swim lessons until noon, lifeguard until about 3:30 and then teach a few more classes until 6ish. I was non-stop and I didn’t even realize.

It didn’t feel like work. I loved teaching swim lessons, and while watching the pool I always had a friend to talk to. On the weekend I would go to the beach and then hang out with my work friends. It started to get really cliquey toward the end, which is one of the reasons I left, to much drama and people would actually get mad at you when you hung out with someone else outside work. Anyway my point is I worked a lot that summer, and working at the job I have now I freak out if I have to stay a few minutes later a work. What happened between then and now? I fly out the door each night, but when I was there sometimes I would hang around after my shift had ended.

Let’s fast forward now to when I decided to stop working there and I got a job at the YMCA. The job was easy and in the summer time no one goes there because they would all rather be outside. However I did not like that job. I was stuck inside all day, while my friends went to the beach.

I never liked the idea of having to be stuck inside all day at my job. In college when it came time to choose a major (there was more than one) I always went for a job that didn’t require me being stuck behind a desk all the time. Originally I thought I was either going to be a physical therapist or a speech pathologist. Both don’t really require a desk or computer. When I realized that neither was really for me, I changed to public relations. While that does require going to the office everyday, but there is so much more to it. There are events, press meetings, traveling, etc. To me it seemed to be the perfect balance between your typical cubicle work and having being able to get out there. I would never feel trapped. Even when I did an internship with a PR agency, I was always behind a computer but I loved what I was doing and I especially liked the people I was working with.

This made me realize 2 things that I absolutely must have in my next job if and when I finally get one.

  1. I need to have a support system of friends (this is probably true for everyone) at the place I currently work at everyone keeps to themselves and there is barely any interaction (most people have their ipods on). I can’t say I have one true friend here and that makes me sad.
  2. I need to find a job that doesn’t require me to be sitting behind a computer all day. I need to be able to get out, or at least have the opportunity to get out of the place. Which is why jobs like being a makeup artist, photographer and even a social work (I know I am random) appeal to me so much. They aren’t your typical 9-5 Office Space kind of job.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

These are a few of my favorite things

I had a terrible day at work yesterday, plus I didn’t get home until 9:30. Today isn’t any better. Instead of bitching about how much I hate my job (I think you guys get it already) I am going to write a list of things that instantly puts me into a better mood. Then I will hopefully be in a better mood through the osmosis of writing it. Enjoy!

  • Watching an episode of Friends, The Office, or Flight of the Conchords
  • When a guy (gentleman) lets me on/off the elevator and/or train first. (who said chivalry was dead?)
  • Getting a random compliment (or really any) but the best I've heard recently was a guy saying I have beautiful teeth (and no it wasn't my dentist).
  • Having someone flirt with me over a business call ("You have such a pretty name" So nice to finally hear your voice"
  • This time of year when the sun begins to set and there is a light breeze outside. The weather feels perfect and almost like heaven.
  • Having a drink(of any type) outside at that time.
  • When my train is on time (esp. when going home)
  • Seeing how excited my dog is to see me when I get home. It's too adorable to handle.
  • Hearing the perfect song on the radio. When that happens it can feel like the perfect moment.
  • Reading favorite quotes I have from either books or songs.*

*Some of my favorite quotes come from the book Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I suggest you read it. It's one of my favorite books. One of my favorite quotes is:

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Journey to Beantown

I’ve basically been going through this day like the walking dead. I am utterly exhausted from my trip to Boston. The weekend was amazing, I only wish I had a day to recuperate from it instead of going to work. I swear when I walked outside today to the pouring rain, I was THIS close to just turning around and calling in sick. But the good worker I am I went into work and I am now counting down the hours (6 by the way) until I can crawl back in to bed.

Anyway back to the weekend. It wasn’t off to the greatest start. To save on money I decided to take the bus up to Boston. I found a good price and was on my way to Boston at 2 pm. NOTE: Do not ever leave a city on a Friday at peak rush hour times. Instead of taking the projected 4 hours to Boston, it took me almost 6. With no stops and the worst bus driver known to mankind (I’m almost puked), I was pretty cranky when I arrived. However the perfect summer night, seeing my best friend, and getting food in my belly, I was in a great mood and all set to explore the city.

Friday night we went out to a couple of bars near Fenway that was fun. There was a game that night so there was a ton of people there. They lost but everyone still seemed to be in good spirits. We were having such a good time that the bartenders basically kicked us out and refused to give us more drinks. Which was fine because I had a very long day ahead.

Saturday was spent exploring the city. I must have walked all over Boston. It is such a nice city and I didn’t really mind that fact that my feet were starting to throb after a few hours. We went to Faneuil Hall and explored all the shops around there and ate lunch at this place called Dick’s. Their whole gimmick is that they are mean to the customers, like the waiter tied a balloon into my friends hair, and refused to give me my glass of water. But it was all in good fun, and the food was delicious. Also can I just say that one of my favorite things in the world is being able to have lunch outside. I swear the food taste better and the atmosphere is so much better outside. Even better than eating lunch outside? Having afternoon drinks outside, near the water. Which is exactly what we did. We ordered a huge drink that came in a fish bowl and enjoyed ourselves nears the Boston Harbor watching the ships go by. Then we decided to partake in such activities.

We took a boat called Codzilla. It blast music, and drives all around the harbor at 40 miles per hour. Which may not seem that fast, but when you’re on a boat it feels like 90 mph. It’s this whole skit that they put on saying the harbor has a huge Cod fish that everyone tries to keep a secret but then it like “attacks you” and we have to get away. While making out get away the boat makes these really sharp turns and you end up getting wet. I should say wet, more like drenched. On the brochure it says it might happen, but we figured it would be a few drops. Nope. We were completely soaking wet, but it was totally worth it and very refreshing after walking around in the hot sun all day. However riding the T afterward was not as pleasant, especially for the other passengers.

That night we both were exhausted, and even though we had planned to go out again we were fried. So instead we just stayed in and watch some movies. Which was ended up being a blast and it was good to just catch up.

My trip had to end eventually, and I was sad to leave. I took the amazing Acela Express home and got back in no time. When I got home, a bunch of my brothers friends were home and having a bit of a BBQ so I was glad to have food waiting for me and wasn’t as sad leaving Boston because I was being entertained by some good friends. Also, hearing stories of your brother making an ass out of himself always puts me into a good mood.

It was a great weekend. I really want to try and make another trip up there while my friend is still there. I will try to post some pictures of my weekend at some point (no guarantees though). What did you do this weekend?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


This weekend I am taking a much-needed break and going to Boston to see my best friend. She’s up there for the summer doing an internship and I haven’t seen her in almost 2 months. I cannot wait to go! She’s more than my best friend; she’s basically my sister. I’ve known her since I was 5 and we’ve always been there for each other. Also, I’ve never really been to Boston before so I’m excited to see the city and all it has to offer. The only thing is I’m taking the bus up there and I’m a littler nervous because I hate taking the bus. It was cheap so fingers crossed that all goes well and I don’t hit too much traffic. Thankfully I will take the train home and I’m much more comfortable with that. Plus it’s the Acela Express so it will get me home a whole 35 minutes faster. That is a lot when you’re traveling so much in a short period of time. I’m just happy to be getting away from my house and everything. It will defiantly help my mood as of late.

On a totally random note is anyone watching “So you think you can dance”?? I love that show but this season is really pissing me off. It is nowhere as good as last year. Last night was just awful. I only really liked one dance, and the rest sucked. Some of these people seem to have just stopped trying. I’m so glad they are switching partners next week, hopefully then there will be a little more life in the show. I did LOVE the Bollywood dance last night. It was amazing. I’m glad they are branching out and doing different dances. Also Will is just awesome (and gorgeous), but his partner needs to go. She is bringing him down. I hope she goes home tonight, either her or Comfort. As for the guys, I don’t really dislike any of them. But if I had to choose I would say Gev or Thayne. But we will see tonight.

Anyway I hope you all have a great weekend! I probably won’t be able to post tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

A New Day

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.

Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.

So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.

That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.

*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**

**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

An open letter

Dear dad,

12 years ago yesterday you left my mom. Actually you left your family. You like to say you were just leaving my mom, but what do you call not trying to contact your own children during the month that followed? Did you really think you could pick and choose when you wanted me in your life? That’s not how it works. But I’m not angry anymore. Seriously, I should hate you for everything that you done, but it got to tiring being mad. It was ruining my life and barely affecting yours. So I let go.

I let go of the fact that you chose to tell my mom that you were having an affair and you were leaving her, then proceeded to go to sleep in the same bed as her as if what you just said was okay.

I let go of the fact that you decided to go golfing the next day instead of telling your children what had happened. I let go of the fact that you made my brother be your caddy and told him while you were on the back nine. I let go of the fact that you continued to play while my brother was crying in the golf cart.

I let go of the fact that you made my mom tell me what was going on and how you conveniently left out the part of the other woman. Or while I was crying in my bedroom you just kept walking by with bag after bag of your things, never stopping to see how I was or try to comfort me.

I let go of the fact that you were engaged with the other woman before the divorce was even final. Or how you told the judge that my mom brainwashed me into hating you. Yes, that’s why I didn’t want to see you, because I was brainwashed not for your actions or the threatening letters you sent to my mother.

I let go of the fact that you tried only a handful of times to see me. I was angry with you, but you should have beat down the door and made me talk to you. Even if my mother was preventing you from seeing me, which I know isn’t true; you should have made it happen. You were the adult and I was the child.

I let go of all this and tried to have a relationship with you again in college. I contacted you, played by your rules, never asked questions that you couldn’t answer, and even visited you at your home with your new wife all in the hopes of repairing what was done. But nothing happened. You didn’t try. You wrote me one sentence e-mails once a week and thought that was sufficient. It wasn’t. I wanted a father, not an acquaintance. When I pushed for something more you called me superficial and tried to blame it on me. Again, you’re the parent and I’m your child, I shouldn’t have been doing all the work in the first place. It should have been you to contact me, you should have answered all my questions even the tough ones, you should have visited me to make me more comfortable instead of telling me it was to expensive and then going on vacation to Florida a month later.

I had to let you go again. The relationship was killing me and I was constantly unhappy. I was looking for a dad; instead I got a shell of the man who used to be him. You tried to blame me for what happened, but I know the truth. You can go ahead and tell people what a horrible and manipulated person I am, but I know the truth. I was never after you money all I wanted was you. You just didn’t want me, or my brothers for that matter.

I am truly not angry with you anymore. Just filled with sadness. When I see fathers with their children, I wished that were you. When I go to wedding and the bride is walked down the aisle with her father, I know that will never be me. You will never see me on my wedding day, or when I have children. You will miss out on my entire life and it’s all your choice. I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you have 3 amazing children who you barely even know. Sorry for the fact that you never tried to know us. We will be better people without you in our lives, but you will be for the worse now that we’re not.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Happy Belated Birthday America!

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine actually turned out to be a lot of fun. Thursday my company gave us a half-day. I got to leave early and get home by 3, that is always a great thing. On Friday I went to a BBQ with some family friends and then that night my friend and I went to the beach to see the fireworks. Of course I forgot my camera so I don’t have any pictures to post. Also it started to rain which put a damper on the whole thing but it was still fun. Afterward we went to a couple of bars near by and proceeded to celebrate this wonderful holiday. What was amazing about that night was that I didn’t spend one dollar. People just kept on handing me drinks and they even paid for my cover to get into the place. It felt like as soon as I finished a beer another one was put into my hand. One of the things I love about going out with mostly guys is that they always pay for you. Actually that may not be true, but these particular guy friends of mine just don’t let girls pay for there own stuff. It’s just how they are. And you thought chivalry was dead?? My friend and I didn’t take out our wallet once. It was just one of those days where I didn’t really have any plans but ended up having an amazing day. Compared to last 4th of July where I didn’t do anything, this was a vast improvement.

Saturday I went to a house warming party. I didn’t really feel like going cause it was going to be a bunch of people just sitting around and taking tours of the new house. Not really my scene. But my mom really wanted me to come so she would have an excuse to leave early (i.e. feed the dogs) and we could get out of there. I went and even though it was insanely boring a friend of mine was there whom I hadn’t seen in like 2 years. It was good to catch up even though it wasn’t for nearly long enough. He didn’t show up until we were just going to be leaving. He was my best friend in middle school and we have lost touch over the years. It was good to see him, and now that I know that he is sorta near by we can hopefully see each other again soon and really catch-up.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Everything from A to Zinc

I know I did a list of random things about me a while ago but I am really bored at work so I am going to steal Karen’s idea for a post to do an A to Z post about myself. Hopefully this will take up some time for me.

Alzheimer’s- My grandpa had this disease. It was horrible watching him deteriorate from this and I am petrified that I will get it when I’m older.

Baltimore – I went to college outside of the city of Baltimore.

Commute – My commute to and from work each day takes about an hour and a half to two hours. That’s about 4 hours I spend each day going to and from work. It is AWFUL and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Dogs – I have 2 dogs. One is really old and age has not treated him well. He is covered in warts, and lost most of his teeth. Most people are really grossed out by him now, but I still look at him like the puppy he used to be. The other is only 2 years old and is so cute but very poorly trained.

Exaggerate – I love to exaggerate. I feel it gets my point across better.

Funny – I like to think that I am a funny person. I love to tell stories and make people laugh. Some people though DO NOT get my humor.

Geoffrey – was the name of my junior prom date. He died 4 days after we went to prom. He was just a friend that I didn’t really know that well, but I still haven’t gotten over it. I did not want to go to my senior prom the following year. My friends made me go. I am thankful that they did.

Hypochondriac – When I hurt my knee for the third time (in one year) my doctor didn’t believe me. He basically told me that I would always be in pain and that I should just suck it up. I went for a second opinion and it was discovered that I had tore my Meniscus again and would need to have another surgery.

Irony – I find a lot amusement in things that are ironic.

Jewelry – I love jewelry. I have a lot of different types. I especially love antique/estate pieces. Even though I own a lot of pieces, I rarely actually wear it. I’m trying to make myself wear it more often.

Kleptomaniac – when I was an adolescent I liked to steal stuff. Nothing big, usually something small like a pack of gum, sometimes even an eye shadow. It was only for like a month and even though I was young I still feel really bad about doing it.

Love – I have never truly been in love, yet. There was some close ones, but never the real thing. I am scared of truly falling in love with a guy and then having him break my heart.

Meniscus- when I was in the 7th grade I tore my meniscus in my knee. I have since had a total of 5 surgeries on my knee and will eventually need to get my knee replaced.

Needles – I HATE needles. I am so scared of them. Oddly though I have 2 tattoos. I’m only scared of surgical needles that inject medicine into you. Because of all the surgeries I’ve had I’ve come to associate needles with all the pain that happens when you have surgery.

OCD – Sometimes I think I have OCD. Actually I think everyone has some OCD qualities to him or her. For me I am always making schedules. If I have to do something say get ready for work I plan my mornings down to the minute. Usually I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. For example, I wake up at 7 am. I get ready, put on my makeup, brush my teeth; get my shoes on, make my lunch and I’m out the door by 7:26. I hate that I do this, but if I don’t make these schedule or for some reason cannot follow it I freak out. It sounds tiring but it’s second nature to me.

Problem solving – I LOVE to problem solve. I know that sounds weird but I used to love math especially algebra because of the solving of intricate problems. If someone is in a predicament of some sort I love helping to figure it out. It’s oddly calming to me. People tend to come to me with their problems and I’m always happy to help.

Quirky – I have a very unique personality. I’ve heard many people refer to me as quirky or just flat out weird. Instead of taking offense I take it as a compliment.

Ramapo – was where I was planning on going to college. I changed my mind the last minute and went out of state. Paying out-of-state tuition and now owe a lot of money. It was worth EVERY penny.

Surgery – Including my knee surgeries I’ve had 10 different operations. Being only 24 I consider that quite an accomplishment. That’s me being Sarcastic, another characteristic of mine that many people don’t catch on to.

Therapist – My first year of college my major my plan was to become a Speech Therapist. In High school I always thought I would be a physical Therapist. I ended up going a completely different direction and graduated with a degree in Mass Communications.

Ulta – I love makeup and beauty products. Ulta is my favorite store, it mores like a haven for me. It’s like Sephora, but carries all types of brands from low end to high. I can easy spend a hundred bucks in just one trip.

Vacation – My favorite vacation I ever took was when I went to Paris by myself. I didn’t know anyone or speak of word of French and it was my best trip. It made me realize that I can do anything that I really put my mind to.

Whoa – When talking to my best friend instead of saying so much I usually say like whoa. For example, instead of saying “I miss you so much, I would say, “I miss you like whoa”. It’s something that both of us do. I can’t remember how it started but it was a few years ago and we still do it to this day.

Xenu – I CANNOT believe that a fictional book by a crazy man became a serious religion. I am convinced that Scientology is a cult and a very strange trend. Who ever heard of a church that you have to pay in order to belong? And do not get me started on the whole prescription medicine thing.

Yes – I am awful at saying No to things. If someone asks me a favor from them I almost always say yes. I feel really guilty about saying no and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I need to learn how to say NO.

Zamboni – I’ve always wanted to drive a zamboni. I used to take figure skating lessons and one of my favorite things was watching the zamboni smooth the ice.

That is my list. It ended up taking a long time for me to do and was a lot longer than I expected, but it was defiantly fun. I hope you enjoyed it!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

What do you do when your future stares right at you?

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. My boss occasionally sends out e-mails of new job openings in the office. I usually just ignore them because the last thing I want to do it apply for a position I'm lukewarm about and have to commit myself to at least another year of working at a place I do not like. Today my boss IMed me asking if I got his recent e-mail about the job posting. I didn't want to say yes but there is no way I am applying so I just replied back with a cool "Yep". But seeing through my move he asked if I had any interest in the position? He had stumped me; I had no idea how to reply back. I just wrote back "Not sure" and then I typed, "I have to think about it" To which he told me to "think quickly." Obviously my boss wants me to apply for the position, which I am deeply flattered by. The new position is basically what I am doing now but I have a little more power in the whole process and my hours would be 9-6 instead of 10-7 which is a major plus. I'm not sure how different the salary would be but it would defiantly be more then the pathetic salary I am making now. Making this offer very tempting to me.

The downside? I know that this is not the career for me. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. While it would make me a little happier and would take the stress away from me having to look for a new job, I am still settling. What should I do? So I go for it to by myself some time? Or pass it up like all the others and look for something that truly interests me? The thing is if I go for this job and get it, I will basically be agreeing to working for this company for at least another year. I'm not sure if I can last that long. I know deep down I should just bite the bullet and start looking for a job elsewhere but something is preventing me from doing that. Am I setting myself up to be miserable? That's what I feel like I'm doing. Or maybe its just fear of the future and of the unknown. Either way I need to take a look inside and see what I should do. Any thoughts??