Wednesday, December 29, 2010
But then, it didn't stop! It seemed so much worse than that horrible blizzard that happened last year in December, when my brother's wedding got all messed up. Thankfully my office was closed on Monday, so I didn't have to worry about going in.
However Tuesday came and my street still wasn't plowed. I had no idea where my lawn ended and the street even began. I felt like I was in the movie, The Day after Tomorrow. lol. And with my luck, of course my office was back in business and open. I was freaking out because there was no way I would be able to get in and I didn't have any days left to take off! Plus being stuck in your house for 3 days straight can make a person go crazy.
There was nothing on TV, so I read and read. I finished 2 and a half books while being snowed in. And spent a lot of time online, reading gossip pages and blogs. I just can't believe that my street wasn't plowed! I mean it's totally insane that it took them so long to get to me. My street was finally plowed at 3:30am this morning!!!! I mean what if there was an emergency and I needed to get out??? With my anxiety I was really starting to get worries last night.
When I saw my street was plowed this morning I almost cried. lol. My mom convinced the people who plow our driveway to come asap and I was able to get to work only a few minutes late!!!
What drives me crazy, is driving to work was fine. Not a speck of snow on the roads. So how if the main roads are fine, it took 3 days for people to plow my street??? I think because I live on a dead end, I'm usually the last to get plowed out. Also I know with all the budget cuts that they didn't have as much as they would to move faster. So eff you township for taking so long and eff you blizzard!
Did you get hit with snow? How did you make out??
I'm just happy it's Wednesday and I'm off for New Years on Friday. Hopefully things will get better. Plus, I was able to work something out with my boss about missing yesterday! Whoo hoo for awesome bosses!!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
I love buying gifts for my friends and family and wrapping them up all nice. I love to bake for my family and see them smile. I can't wait to see most of my family for Christmas Eve. I even enjoy going to the mall when it's insanely crowded and watching everyone get ready for Christmas.
Last Christmas I was not nearly into it as I am this year. I guess a lot can really change in a year and that's why I have so much spirit.
So many wonderful things happened to me this year, that it's hard for me to not be really really happy and so so thankful. Last year around this time, I wrote here that I had a feeling big changes were going to happen to me in 2010, and boy was I right!!
Getting a new job, gaining hours to my day because of my shorter commute and better hours, gaining a better social life with those few precious hours added to my day, having a genuine group of friends at work that I can talk to about anything, losing more than 40 pounds!
I grew so much as a person and I feel like I can finally say that I really like who I am becoming. I used to never really like who I was and would always want to change 100 different things. Now not only am I more content with who I am, but I'm actually starting to love who I am. And that is just priceless.
I hope for 2011 the good times keep on coming. Also I really hope to find love this year. It's been way to long and it's definitely time for me to get a boyfriend!
What do you wish for 2011? What were some great things that happened in 2010 for you?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I have Chronic Gallbladder Disease.
Basically it just means by gallbladder isn't working anymore. Instead of pumping like it's supposed to, it's not and I keep on having spasms which is what the pain I am feeling is. I have to get it taken out.
I was really upset when I first found out. The fact that I have to get yet another operation is just devastating. I must have cried everyday that week. I've been feeling better about having the surgery, mostly because I am in so much pain. I want to no longer have this non-stop shooting pains in my stomach and be able to eat without my stomach cramping up.
I saw the doctor who will be doing my surgery last night and it's all set to be done on January 7th. I really really wanted to get it done the week after Christmas, but of course he is away that week. So I have to deal with this pain for another 2 weeks. I just hope I don't have another full blown attach like I did. Otherwise I should be fine.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'm happy to report that it's going wonderfully!!!!! I've lost a little over 40 pounds so far and have gone down 2 pant sizes!!!! I'm hoping to keep this momentum going and would like to lose 100 pounds by my birthday in late June. That's my goal, but I'll be happy to be even close to that.
I'm still going to the gym 6 days a week and I feel weird if I don't make it to the gym. The challenge at my gym that I participated in is ending this week and fingers crossed that I either win or come close!!! The will announce the winner this Friday.
While I wasn't able to complete all the challenges they gave me, I still attempted every single one. More than once usually too. I worked so hard, that I hope it's recognized.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Here is my room before:
What do you think?? I LOVE it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
The furniture is huge. A lot bigger than I remembered in the store, but I managed to fit everything into my room. Except for the bed. That was just too big, plus it's for a queen sized bed and I have a full. When I eventually move out of my home, I'll be able to use it. For now, it's in my basement.
It took forever to get my room in order. Most of Friday and all day Sunday was spent with me fixing my room. I had no idea how much crap I had. I threw out at least 3 garbage bags of stuff (I can be a hoarder sometimes) and 3 garbage bags of clothing to give away. Even with all that stuff gone, it still looks like I have a ton of clothes! I wanted to go through more and get rid of stuff, especially the clothes that are too big on me. However I was exhausted after moving everything that it will have to go on hold for now.
On Saturday I had to go and get another test for my stomach pains. It is called a Hida Scan. It took forever. First I had to get an IV in my arm, then I got injected with radioactive materials. For an hour I had to get pictures taken of my stomach. Every 15 minutes. After the hour of pictures, I was injected with something called CCK. It made me feel like I was going to vomit. It was awful. It also caused my stomach to have the pains I had been having but much more intensified. Then I had to get more pictures taken of my stomach. In total I was there for 2 hours. Not quite how I wanted to spend my Saturday morning. I will find out the results in a few days.
But after I got to see Harry Potter with my friend from out of town!!! It was AWESOME. Totally made up for my sucky morning and it was everything that I hoped it to be. While stuff from the books were left out (which always happens) I still think they kept a lot in and did everything so well. I love seeing the whole world come to life.
After the movie I spent the day with my friend from out of town and my BFF. We just hung out, caught up on our lives and had some yummy homemade Pizza for dinner. I was gone from my house for like 12 hours on Saturday. I couldn't believe I was gone for so long.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Last night was spent cleaning out my room and moving my furniture. My room is getting painted today and my new furniture will be here on Friday!!! I can't wait to see it all together. I looked it up online, the whole set that I got is around $5,000! I got it for under $2000! Talk about an amazing deal! Plus I know I will be able to use this for years to come.
This weekend, my friend from Connecticut is coming down and I will finally be seeing the Harry Potter movie!!! I am sooo excited. I love the books and I think they do such a great job bringing everything to life in the movies. Although I lot of stuff tends to get left out, which is why the books are a lot better.
The following weekend, my brother and his family are flying in from India! I haven't seen my niece since she was about 8 weeks old. Now she's 6 months old and I can't wait to see how big she is! I have missed them so much. It will be great to spend some time with them and be with my niece for her first Christmas.
How will you be spending the holidays?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I am feeling a lot better!!! My ultrasound came back negative so I have no idea why I was having so much pain. My stomach felt tender and like it was bruised for days. Whatever it was, I just hope it doesn't happen again. That sucked.
My Thanksgiving was great. Lots of food and spending time with my family is always great. The only downside was my grandmother watching EVERYTHING I ate and kept on making snide comments to me. So much fun being told what you should eat when you are 26 years old. For the first time though, I actually stood up for myself and told her to STOP. That I know what I am doing and what I can and can't eat. That shut her up and the rest of the day was really pleasant.
I was a crazy person and went shopping on Friday. I also did lots of online shopping too. I am happy to report that I am officially done with my Christmas shopping!!! Now I can sit back and enjoy the holidays!
On Sunday, my mom and I went to a furniture store that was having a big sale. My furniture is from when I was around 12 years old and is seriously outdated. Plus it's falling apart. My room never really felt like my room, because the furniture isn't me. Neither was the color on my walls. We found an amazing 6 piece set on sale for less than $2,000. It is a great brand and honestly we couldn't pass up on the price. Individually one piece cost $1200. Why wouldn't I spend $800 more and get an entire bedroom.
It's gorgeous and totally my style. I am so excited for it to be delivered. Plus I'm having my room painted this week, so by this weekend my room will totally be transformed. I am going to take before and after photos so you can see!! I've never bought furniture before. I felt like a big girl going out and making a big purchase like this.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday morning, I felt off but no real pain. Went to the gym, did some cardio and came home. By the afternoon that pain was back and worse than before. There wasn't one position I was comfortable in. Sitting, laying, it didn't matter. I was hurting. I went to bed in pain and throughout the night, every time I had to turn I felt awful. It is such horrible stabbing pain.
This morning, I felt terrible. Being the idiot that I am, I decided to go to work anyway. I figured I'm in pain no matter what, may as well suffer in my cube.
Well it's now 2:30 and I'm in excruciating pain. I have NO idea what is going on, but I'm getting a little nervous. I made an appointment with my doctor for right after work. I just hope it doesn't get worse before then.
Keep your fingers crossed that it's nothing serious! I'll keep you posted on what happens.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Then Monday happened, and BAM I'm moody and cranky. All day I felt off and then when I went to the gym it just got worse. I got weighed in and even though I've lost weight, I've lost muscle which is a big NO NO for my trainer. So she pretty much scolded me for that. Then I attempted another gym challenge and missed getting it done by 20 seconds. Ugh. So frustrating.
I came home, really upset and basically started crying hysterically. Making this change is just so overwhelming sometimes. Plus, I don't feel like I deserve it and my biggest fear is going back to the way I was.
Also my house is a mess right now. My cousin, who is a painter, is spending the week at my house painting basically the entire interior. Ever since we got new windows about a year ago we've needed it to be painted so it can finally look finished. So all the furniture is in the middle of the rooms, making it hard to walk around. It looks like a mess and that drives me crazy. Hopefully he'll be done sooner rather than later.
Sorry this is a little scatterbrained, but that's everything that's going on in my head right now. I go from one thought to a completely random issue the next. Hopefully by the weekend I'll be feeling back to normal.
Until then: what do you do to handle stress? Do you ever sabotage yourself?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
They are impossible.
So far there are 2 bonus challenges, and both I cannot do. And it's so frustrating and I feel so out of place. I am the biggest person doing this thing and people who are really fit can't even do them. What hope does that give me? I already feel so far behind, especially when the second biggest person is like 40 pounds lighter than me.
It just makes me so upset. I know I am on the right track to getting healthy, but I get so mad at myself for get this way. It's such a long journey and I know there aren't any shortcuts, but sometimes I feel hopeless.
Sometimes, I feel like I don't even deserve to be thin. Which I know logically that's crazy, but I can't help having those feelings creep in. I need to love myself as I am right NOW, but I just can't. Years and years I've always been told I'm not good enough. It's hard to erase those words and the pain they caused. Plus having a father who disappeared from my life when I was 12 doesn't help me either. If he couldn't be bothered to care for me, why should I?
This past year, slowly things have been clicking with me. I'm a lot stronger and I do like myself a lot better than I used to. If I didn't, I wouldn't have even started this weight loss journey. I'm just not all the way there yet. I truly believe losing weight is more mental than anything else. I need to be at peace with who I am, before I can really push myself physically.
I think this is the number one reason as to why I can't do these bonus challenges. I get it in my head before even trying that I can't do it. I need to start believing in myself and trusting that my body can do these tasks. I'm getting there, and hopefully this challenge will help me get there faster.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I got my visa in the mail yesterday and quickly booked my plane ticket before the fares go up again. Also can I just say, I'm so so so thankful that Continental offers a nonstop flight to India! It's bad enough that the flight is over 14 hours, but having to do a layover would have killed me.
I am going for 11 days total and I can't wait to see everything I can. Specifically I can't wait to see the Taj Mahal.
I'm also scared shitless. Seriously. I'm worried about the culture shock, and even though I am visiting my brother, his wife and my baby niece, they will have to go to work. So most days I'll be by myself. In a country were I can't speak the language.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I couldn't pass it up because I'm a little scared. Once I'm there I'll be fine. And I know I'll make memories I will never forget.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The party was a lot of fun. They handed out certificates to everyone who did the challenge and everyone got a nickname. A lot of them were funny, but mine meant a lot to me.
I was named most improved! For each challenge I always did a little bit better than the last one. It felt good to get recognized for all the hard work I put into it. Plus I was in the top 10 percent weight loss wise! Which was a great feeling.
Now that the challenge is over, they are having a new one starting this weekend. It's individual this time and the winner gets money!!!!! You get half the pot of money that everyone puts in ($30) at the beginning. There is about 25 people signed up so far, so the winner can get some serious cash.
The challenge goes from November 1st until December 15th. Not only are they counting how much weight you lose, they are also seeing how much muscle you gain, BMI percentage, and you have to complete the following:
6 spin classes
3 Boot Camp Classes
4 treadmill runs (well walk for me) (1 mile, 2 mile, 3 mile and 4 miles)
6 Bike challenges (3 miles in 10 minutes or less)
6 Bonus challenges that will be announced each week
It sounds crazy intense, but I'm looking forward to it! I really really really want to win!! I hate losing! lol
My personal goal is to lose at least 15 pounds during the challenge. I lost 11 during the last challenge so I think 15 is reasonable. I really hope I can make it!
Monday, October 25, 2010
It all started when I studied abroad. While it was one of the best experiences of my life, it was expensive. I traveled a lot and each time I would use my credit card because it was easier. After that it just kept on building up. Now my debt wasn't a lot, but it was something that I've been trying to slowly pay off for the past 2 years.
And now I'm done!!!!!! It feels great to have one less bill to worry about. Now I'm sure I will need to use my credit card again, but I plan on either paying it off in full each month or within 2 months. We'll see if that works or not.
I still have student loans, but I'm not worried about paying them off right away. I have a pretty low interest rate and the payments are deducted each month from my checking account, so I don't have to worry. Plus student loans are considered good credit to have.
Now I can focus more on building up my savings account and hopefully being able to buy a house one day soon!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
This past Saturday was the final day of the challenge and the final task was HUGE. I mean I literally didn't think I could finish it. It was just so much and I didn't think my body could handle it. First we had to do 10 burpees, then I had to bear crawl around 10 poles, then I had to pull a rope with a 30 pound kettlebell attached to it, once I finished that I had to break off into a run around the block, which was about 1/4 of a mile, and then to finish I had to pick up two kettlebells and walk down the block and back. And it was all timed!
Before I even started, I started to get upset. I didn't know if I could do it, or if I did do it that it would take me like 20 minutes to finish everything. Plus it didn't help that the woman before me completed the whole thing in just 3 minutes!!!! It just made me realize how far I still have to go to get to the body I want. I went into it feeling defeated which was wrong and made the whole thing that much worse.
I started the challenge and by the time I finish the bear crawls I was already gasping for air. Then when I broke into the run, I just didn't think I could do it. I was so exhausted and literally couldn't get my breath back to normal. Thankfully my trainer saw that I was struggling and went out to help support me. She ran with me the whole time and when I started walking she helped motivate me to just run a little more and finish it strong. While I did walk more than I ran, I still did it.
When I finished, there were so many emotions going through me that I just started crying. I mean like sobbing. My trainer just came over and gave me a huge hug. Which was exactly what I needed. I was so happy that I finished and really pushed past my comfort zone that I was in when working out. I truly didn't think I was going to finish. Even though I was happy, I was also really sad because there is still such a long road ahead of me.
But now more than ever, there is a fire light in me to become the best me. The healthy strong athlete that I know I can be.
PS - my final time for the challenge was 7 minutes and 13 seconds.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Like I can eat an entire bag in one sitting, love.
Since I'm trying to get healthy, I refrain from buying anything that's really bad for you because I know that if it's in my house, I'll eat it. I have no willpower sometimes.
The other day I went into the store to pick something up real quick and there they were. My loves, Candy Corn. And a bag was only a buck!!!
The temptation was just too much, so I picked up the bag and had it with me while I got the other things I actually needed. When I got to the register, the little voice in my head finally kicked in. I realized that that bag would be gone by the time I went to bed. I've been doing so good lately and did I really want to throw it away for them!! (yes) However the voice won, and I put the bag down and checked out.
I thought about those damn things for the rest of the day. lol. I have a problem.
Anyway later that night I told my mom my struggle and how proud I was that I didn't give in. But damn did I want them!!!!!
The next day, I come home from the gym and on my dresser is a HUGE bag of Candy Corn!!!
I thought I went crazy for a minute, until I realized my mother (aka the devil) felt bad that I didn't buy them and picked me up a bag when she was out! While I do know that she had the best intentions (she told me to only eat a little at a time), it was also like a slap in the face.
Sometimes I don't think my mom understands how much I struggle to get on the right track. Sometimes I think she tried to sabotage me. Not on purpose, but like deep down inside she doesn't want me to succeed. It could be because she's struggled with weight all her life too, and if she can't do it, then neither should I. Who knows...
What I do know, is that there is a big ass bag of candy corn taunting me in my room. I've only had a little bit (10 total I counted) but it took a huge effort to stop. If I hit my goal this week to lose 4 pounds, I will reward myself with another 10 corns.
I've decided to use the delicious bag of candy to my advantage and reward myself with a job well done each week. Here's hoping I don't cave in!!!
Do you have a food that you just can't resist? Do you ever feel like someone is trying to sabotage you?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I also bought a pair of boots, but that was mostly because I forgot about my goals for the month. lol. The boots are amazing and I know they will be worn many many times. It is almost impossible for me to find boots that actually fit my calf. So when I saw these and tried them on I knew I couldn't pass them up.
So minus the boots and workout gear I did pretty great this month!! I'm now back on track (mostly) with my budgeting and saving. Definitely a solid B for my efforts. lol
Monday, October 4, 2010
Anyway even though I had 5 more pounds to lose, they did not want to come off!! It was a bit of a battle and struggle but in the end....
That brings my total weight loss to a little over 20 pounds!!
Which I am insanely proud of. I've never really tried to lose weight before, mostly because I was afraid of failing. Now I really feel like I have a rhythm and I hope to keep this up!!! By next summer I want to be able to finally go shopping in a regular store, no more plus sizes for me!
It is so difficult to lose weight. I force myself to the gym 5 to 6 days a week and it never really gets easier. Sure I can do more and don't get out of breath as easily now, but I still get sore the next day and sometimes I just want to quit.
The only difference is I'm not letting myself quit. Even though sometimes I'm just not motivated, I still go to the gym. You know why? Because it's written into my schedule. Simple as that. Every day after work, I head to the gym. Whether I want to or not. Even if I have my period, or had a bad day, or it's raining, I'm there.
It's a habit and one that I really do love. I've noticed that I'm sleeping better, I'm happier, and I feel amazing after finishing a particularly hard workout.
Even though I am slowly starting to see a difference in the mirror, I see it more in my clothes. Pants that used to be tight and I would have to squat in them to make some more room, are now baggy and actually falling off of me! Shirts fit better and lay better on my body. That's the most amazing part. Feeling clothes that used to be tight that are now loose. It's an incredible feeling.
Even though I'm waiting for other people to start noticing a difference, I notice and that's all that matters. 10 more pounds (maybe even less) I should be able to go down a pant size!! Which will be my new goal for October!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Karen had asked me about the online dating, so I figured I should start with that one.
Getting a love life has been a big giant FAIL. I don't know what it is, but I've haven't have any luck on e-harmony. Not one person messaged me, and everyone that I sent out a list of questions to (which is the first step) never responded back!!!!! WTF.
On the one hand, I thought I would be more upset about the fact that absolutely nothing has happened, but I'm not. At all actually. Maybe it's because you are online, so the rejection isn't as serious as it would be face to face? Maybe because even the guys I messaged I wasn't exactly over the moon about. Who knows.
I just think it's kinda hard to feel any kind of chemistry, spark or feelings about a person over a computer. I thought this would be easier, but maybe I'm better suited for face to face interaction. The thing is. it's freaking hard to meet people!
When you are in school, it's so much easier. There are guys all over the place! Now that I'm older, it's a lot harder. Sure you can meet people at bars, but they are usually creepers who aren't looking for anything serious. So where do you go to meet new men? Seriously, if you know please help me out!
I almost deleted my e-harmony account, but I decided to give it another month. I tweaked my profile a bit, so maybe that will help. Honestly I would like it if just one person effing messaged me so I can feel like less of a loser. Even if they were a total tool. lol. That must sound really sad and pathetic but deep down that's how I feel. I definitely need to work on my self-esteem.
Help a girl out! Where can you find decent guys???
P.S. - If you have any questions for me please ask!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
I find it strange, now that I'm kinda happy, I've lost the ability to blog. I am not giving up that easily, I just need to push myself to write more. Maybe I'll stop being so selfish and write about other events going on in the world. lol. But is that what you want to read?
So I was wondering if you guys could help me out. Why do you blog? Do you usually talk about yourself or current events? How do you push past having nothing to say?
Oh also, if you have any questions for me please ask!!!! Hopefully that willl snap me out of this funk!
If your a lurker, take this opportunity to delurk yourself!
Monday, September 20, 2010
My weekend was pretty nice. Got my hair done and it's so lovely. It's a nice auburn color and I have a lot more layers. I was itching for a change and I'm so happy with the end result! I also saw Easy A. It was really cute. A lot of John Hughes references which I loved.
Finally my gym started this 30 day challenge. They split up into two teams, Alpha and Omega and every day we have a task to do that gains our team points. At the end of 30 days, whoever has the most points wins! I was hesitant to join the challenge, because I'm not as in shape as everyone. Also there are some tasks that I just cannot do. I'm talking to you pull ups and running a mile in ten minutes. Thankfully there a lot of things that I CAN do and that was good enough for me to sign up.
I'm hoping this will really push me. I feel like I've been getting lazy in my workouts and I need to step it up if I want to lose this 10 pounds for September. Tonight I have to bench press 55lbs!!!!! Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
- Lose 10 pounds - so far on my little weight loss journey I've lost about 15 pounds!! For me that's big, considering I've never actively tried to lose weight before. Even better I lost this in the past 6 weeks, which I am really proud of. I would like to lose 10 pounds each month. It's healthy and a reasonable number for me to lose.
- Only buy items that I need - My spending is a little out of control right now and I can't seem to help it. So I'm only allowed to buy necessities. This past week I spent a lot of money on clothes, shoes and bags so there is no need for me to buy anything else. My only concession is getting my hair done in 2 weeks. I've had this appointment for a while and getting my hair done is one of my favorite things to do!
- Try to get a love life - recently I joined eharmony. I am very skeptical of the whole online dating thing, but I really need to get out there. I haven't been on a date in a long long long time. I'm not meeting anyone when I go out, so I am going to give the Internet dating thing a try. Wish me luck!
I think 3 is a good solid number for my goals this month. Are there any goals that you have set for yourself?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
On Saturday I went shopping for some shoes for the fall. I only have sandals or sneakers and I really needed some flats for the colder months. I went to the outlets near me and picked up a gorgeous pair of Cole Haan gray flats. They are seriously soo pretty and they were like 90 dollars off from the original price!!
Then I bought a Michael Kors bag. The zipper on the purse I currently had broke, and I've been looking for a replacement for a while. I'm pretty picky about bags, but the second I saw this I knew it was perfect. It was also on sale!! It was still a lot of money, but a lot less money than it would normally be. Plus bags are the one thing I always splurge one. Isn't it so pretty??
Then I managed to buy two more flats, one bronze and another black. But both pairs together was under 60 bucks which was awesome. Plus I had to buy a birthday gift for a friend. I definitely spent way too much money, but I don't really plan on doing much more shopping for the fall. I'm set for now.How did you spend your labor day?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Also today is 90210 day!! I used to be obsessed with that show. I loved Brenda and how bitchy she was. I also had the biggest crush on Dylan (still do). You're supposed to be dressed like the cast today, but instead I'll celebrate by watching some old episodes.
In amazing news, I knew I had lost some weight while I was away, but the official total is 5 pounds!!! I'm so happy!! Especially since I hit a bit of a wall and wasn't losing any weight for the last few weeks. Hopefully this is just the thing to really kick start things.
In not so great news, I puked again while working out! That's twice now!! I don't know what's going on. I've been googling online to see what I can do to make the nauseousness go away. Maybe it's because it was my first really hard workout since my vacation. Or maybe I'm just a puker when working out! lol. I really hope I'm not.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Seriously it was just what I needed. I spent my days laying by the pool or swimming. The resort was so nice. The pool was huge, the lazy river was long, and the water slide was really high. They had an on site restaurant that was delicious, a free movie theater, and also mini golf. There was always something to do that there was no need to leave!
Surprisingly my cousins didn't drive me crazy. They were a delight all week and I was so happy that I took them along. I am not the type of person who can be around someone 24/7 without getting annoyed or fidgety but I was perfectly fine all week.
Even though I ate what ever I wanted I still managed to lose some weight!! I guess when your swimming around in a pool and playing games all day, you don't need to worry so much about how much your eating.
A friend of mine works for Disney and was able to get me tickets to get into the park for free!!! How awesome is that??? On Wednesday we headed to the park and went to Hollywood Studios (MGM) and Epcot. Last time I went to Disney, I was around 12 and I had a terrible time. I HATED Disney. lol. This time definitely changed my mind about the whole park. The rides were so much fun, and the atmosphere is just great.
My favorite ride was definitely the Rock and Roller Coaster. It was the Aerosmith ride that blasts their music while going all around and upside down!! We had a yummy lunch in China at Epcot. The orange chicken is amazing. It was a long day, but totally worth it. My feet were killing me from all the walking we did, but honestly I really hope I can go back there soon!
The only bad thing about my vacation was that I got sunburn on my eyes. At least I think it's sunburn. I am in so much pain, and the skin on my eyelids are bright red and peeling. No matter how much cream I put on, the pain won't go away and the skin keeps on peeling. So gross!
Now it's back to the grind. Although I loved Florida I am happy to be back and even weirder? I'm happy to be back at work! Never thought I'd say that!
Did I miss anything while I was gone??? How was your week?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
While I'm still a little nervous about how things will go, it's just in my nature, I'm still really excited. I'm just looking forward to a week that I can sleep in each day, and my biggest worry will be should I sit by the pool or on the beach that day. lol
Also on Saturday I have a big party to go to! So in general I just can't wait for this week to end and start having some fun!!
I kinda like the fact that I'm taking my vacation during the last week in August. It's like one last adventure/party before the summer ends. While I am looking forward to the fall and the crisp cool weather, I will miss summer a lot. This is the perfect goodbye for me.
So this will be my last blog until I get back. Have a great weekend and week ahead!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I love the show the Biggest Loser. It is awesome and really inspiring. I love in the beginning of the show, when the contestants work out for the first time. It's insane to see people actually throwing up while working out. I never understood how that could really happen to a person.
Yes, I puked after my workout at the gym. I am mortified!!!!
I felt a little off during the workout and kept on having to stop my trainer because I felt ill. Eventually it passed and I was able to finish up. Then when I was cooling down on the bike I started to feel really sick again. I stopped before I was supposed to and went on my way.
I figured that walking to my car, relaxing and resting, I would feel better. As soon as I sat down in my car, I felt everything coming up. I just got my door open in time to puke all over the place. It was horrible. It just kept on coming up. Even when I had nothing left in me I was still retching.
Ugh. It was really bad and really gross. Basically I lost my whole lunch lunch.
I tried to wash it away with my water I had on me and I hope that the rain last night got rid of the rest.
Now I just have to tell my trainer what happened...
Monday, August 16, 2010
I've been watching my eating and working out consistently for about a month now. There were 10 days when I didn't work out after I had my little foot surgery. Still I kept track of my eating.
I've lost 7 pounds. Which I know is great, but why haven't I lost more???
There has to be something I'm doing wrong, but I just can't figure it out. I've maintained my weight which is good, but I was expecting a little more weight to come off.
I lost those 7 pounds in just one week, and I was over the moon. I thought that set the pace really well and I was going to be continuing losing from here on out. Ever since that weigh in, I haven't lost any more. And I'm frustrated.
I know it's going to take me a long long long time to lose the weight, but me not losing any is making me feel like a failure and I should just quit. I get discouraged quickly, and it's taking a lot of me to keep this up.
I understand that losing weight has a lot to do with your mentality. Maybe I'm not there yet in my head. Maybe that figurative light bulb hasn't quite clicked on with me yet. Either way I'm getting annoyed and upset. I can't let this deter me! I will keep moving forward.
Any tips on how to kick start weight loss? Or how to get your head in line with your body?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'm taking my two 16 year old cousins with me. At the time I thought it was a good idea. My cousins rarely ever get to go away on vacation or do anything really fun. So I like to try and give them some fun and entertainment. Also none of my friends could get away that week, so instead of vacationing by myself, I now have company.
But now I'm worried that I am not responsible enough to care for two teenagers for a week. Or be able to keep them occupied for the whole week, and not want to kill them. Also what if something bad happens?
I tend to get nervous about certain situations and this is one of them. I think of every bad thing that can possibly happen and then freak over it. What if the plane is delayed and we miss the connection? What if I crash the rental car? What if my cousins have a terrible time?
I know that no matter what happens, everything will work itself out, but I can't help worrying. Once I get there, I'll be fine. It's this build up that drives me crazy. Plus my mother isn't very helpful. She is constantly saying passive aggressive comments to me about this trip. Which is causing my to second guess myself.
I just need to keep focusing on the vacation itself and having a week away from everything. Being in the sun, on the beach, by the pool, in the lazy river they have on the resort. Eating out, going shopping, maybe a trip to Orlando.
Thinking of that, makes me smile and I know that this trip will be great.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
My foot is getting better. The pain is slowly going away and I can stop wearing the boot by Saturday! Hopefully in a month I will be totally pain free.
I was also frustrated with my eating habits and also not being able to work out. While out running errands this weekend I decided to buy a scale. This is a big step for me. Scales scare the crap out of me, and I don't want to become one of those people who has to weigh themselves every day to see if there is a difference.
I came home and decided to bit the bullet and just weigh myself. I was dying to see if there was some progress. I was weighed the day before my surgery, so weighing myself on Sunday was 10 days later.
I lost 7 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe it. Without being able to workout I still managed to lose some weight! I guess my eating habits aren't all that bad right now! Seeing that number gave me the boost I needed and now I know I am really on the right track.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Oddly, I am really missing the gym. With my foot, gym has been off limits all week and I miss it!! Me!! I would have never ever thought that was possible. I miss getting beat up working out and just feeling great when I get home.
I really felt like I was on the right track to get healthy, but with this operation I feel like I'm back at the beginning. Since I can't work out, I've been trying to get my eating in order and I've been a major fail. Even with eating all the right foods I keep going over in calories! It's driving me crazy!!!
I know it's going to take a long time to change my eating habits, but I wish I would be able to make some progress. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I would love it if I could lose like 10 pounds before then. Just 10 pounds! At least then I know I was moving in the right direction.
Ugh. Today is just a sucky day. I'm just frustrated with everything.
Hopefully tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
On Friday I could barely walk, I even broke out my crutches to use because I was so bad. Saturday I was still in a lot of pain but just a little bit better. Sunday I was a lot better thankfully. Everyday I'm having less and less pain which is great. Hopefully by next weekend I'll be back to normal and can stop wearing this little boot on my foot.
I really really hope this one sticks. If not than I'll probably have to get surgery, but I'm not even going to think about that yet. Just focusing on the now. I'll keep you updated on my progress.
Oh something funny happened during the operation. The doctor had to take some blood out of my arm to do the procedure. I was in twilight, but apparently when he put the needle in I called him a "but mother effer". lol. My doctor told me that everyone in the room busted out laughing. Talk about embarrassing, but I love that I can entertain people. Even when I'm not conscious.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I hate needles, I hate hospitals, I hate pain. lol. I mean, does anyone really like those things? No of course not. But sometimes I just feel like my fear and hatred for them are 10 times worse. I just need to stop thinking about it. I got very little sleep last night.
Deep down I know it will be fine. Not as bad as I'm making it in my head, but still. It sucks. I have a training appointment today at the gym, and I'm going to ask her to kill me so I will hopefully stop thinking about the surgery and just be able to sleep tonight. lol.
Wish me luck and I'll give you an update next week!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The beach was perfect. The weather was great, and the water felt cool and refreshing after being in the sun. In the afternoon we headed to BFF's house to chill by the pool and have a little BBQ. The pool felt like bath water, so I pretty much sat in there the whole time. After dinner we headed back to my house to get ready. After primping we went back to BBF's for a little pregame and then it was out to the club.
My friend from school was awesome enough to be the designated driver for us. I was so happy about that!! I really really didn't want to drive. We went down to Belmar which is like 25 minutes from where I live, and has great bars and clubs. I literally danced for like 3 hours straight. It was so much fun.
When we got home, I quickly got my friends settled and then passed out. lol. Unfortunately they decided to wake up at like 8AM so I didn't get very much sleep. We ate breakfast, hung out for a little, and then they had to get on the road. As soon as they left I went back to bed and didn't wake up until 2:30 in the afternoon. I was tired!!
I am so happy that they came up. I'm the one who usually has to travel to Maryland to visit them, so I'm grateful that they made the trip to NJ. Also they had a great time, so hopefully they will come again next summer!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Really really sore.
But that means I had a good workout though right?
The gym experience is going.... well it's going.
The first night, they just walked me through the whole setup and gave me a sheet of paper of good things I should start eating. The one thing I'm bad at is not eating enough protein. I rarely hit the amount they want me to eat every day. Anyway the first night I just walked, fast, on a treadmill for 30 minutes. Not bad. Although I felt weird when I stepped off and when I was walking regularly it was a weird feeling. Like I was still on the machine. lol. I guess I just need to get used to it.
Then we set up an appointment for me to start strength training. Holy crap. It was hard. Like I wanted to quit halfway through hard. Remember when I said, that I used to work out half assed. Well shit, it was more like a quarter assed. I thought I was going to collapse when I was walking back to my car last night. Then when I showered my arms hurt just from shampooing my hair!
I'm not going to lie. Last night really tested me on if I wanted to do this or not. If I am, I have to commit to it 100%. There is definitely no slacking allowed. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to get into a habit. That's what I'm going to do. I going to force myself to keep up with this for 3 weeks straight, and hopefully by the end I will start to feel a difference in my body and will want to keep going.
I hate to fail, at anything. Which probably why I've never really tired to get in shape before. I don't want to fail. Also, I'm a little scared of succeeding. I know that sounds weird, but I am. What if I don't like the new me? Which is crazy, but I can't help thinking that. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that far ahead. I'm at day 3 right now, and I just need to focus on day 4. One day at a time is how I'm going to approach this. Too much too fast and I know I'll stop.
I really really really want this. I've never been able to really say out loud how much I hate my body. I am great at putting on a happy face and pretending that it doesn't bother me that I'm overweight. It's hard for me to just say to myself that I am fat. It hurts too much. That's why I'm so afraid of failing. Not trying at least allows me to have those "what if" and "if only did I do this" day dreams where I end up look amazing. But what if I work out, learn to eat right, and I don't lose weight? Then where do i go from there?
I'm getting ahead of myself again. I just need to focus on the now. Thinking like doesn't do me any good and just makes me sad. For now I'm just focusing on doing cardio after work today, and then doing more strength training (shudder) tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Anyway I mentioned that for my birthday my mom paid for me to get a Keratin Smoothing Treatment down to my hair. I have to say. I LOVE it. The whole process took only like two hours. The only bad thing I would say is not being able to wash your hair for 3 full days. My hair was a greasy mess by the third day.
The treatment doesn't totally straighten my hair, but takes the kinks out. Before if I wanted my hair straight I would have to blow dry it, then flat iron it. Even then with the humidity it would start to curl. Now, I have zero frizz, and I only have to blow dry my hair and it looks great.
Seriously total love for this stuff!!
If I just air dry my hair, it looks slightly wavy. Like tousled surfer girl hair. Which I love. It's the kind of hair I wish I had all the time. The best thing, is even if I air dry my hair I don't get ANY frizz. With this gross heat and humidity we have been having my hair would normally be out of control. Now it just stays put.
The only other downside is I have to buy special shampoo and conditioner. Which costs a lot!! So while I love this, I probably won't be getting it again anytime soon. Luckily I still have another 2 to 3 months until it washes out. Maybe next summer I'll do it again!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Don't get me wrong, the first week I was super awkward. Especially about lunch, it felt like high school. Not knowing where to sit. Even though I felt weird and nervous, I just sat down with a group and they were all really nice. That's the other thing. I feel more outgoing than usual. Before I would be way too nervous and would probably just eat at my desk. I am proud of myself for dealing with my nerves and just going for it.
It's weird being like this. I'm actively trying to change myself. I used to be so stagnant and afraid of change that I wouldn't even try. I mean I used to be afraid of not just failing, but succeeding. Any kind of change to me was/is really scary.
But I'm growing and I'm seeing that you have to change. Whether you like it or now, change will happen. So why now try to work it to your own advantage? That's what I'm slowly starting to do.
I even signed up to work with a personal trainer today. My best friend's brother owns a personal training business and he gave me a great deal to work out there. I've been wanting to get healthy forever but I knew just joining a gym wasn't going to do it. I need someone to push me. I'm a pretty lazy person, even when I'm working out I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I'm doing the bare minimum. Hopefully this will help!
I'm nervous about working out though. I'm really really out of shape, so I'm scared they are going to kill me. Then there is all my knee and foot problems. I'm afraid they will limit me and hold me back. Also it's my friend's brother, who I've known forever. It's a little awkward for me to work out with him. I'm afraid he'll judge me. I almost rather a stranger be working me out, but I can't really pass up this deal and opportunity.
Keep your fingers crossed for me today!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I hope you all had a great holiday weekend!! Mine was spent sunning myself at the beach and the pool. I also got to see some fireworks on Saturday. It definitely brings the kid out in me when I see them. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and the person lived right near where the fireworks went off. It was great to see them from the backyard and not have to deal with the massive amounts of people that were in town that day.
How was your weekend? Did you see any fireworks?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
This is my 300th post!!!! I can’t believe it!!! I can’t believe I’ve kept this up for so long!
I love having a space where I can go to talk about my life and frustrations, and even get amazing feedback back! I hope to keep this up for a very long time!!
This has been a crazy week for me. It was my birthday on Monday and then I started my new job yesterday!!! So many changes, so little time to think!
First my birthday. It was great. On Sunday I went out with some friends to this amazing Bar on the beach where I proceeded to get a little tipsy. lol. Then Monday my friend took me to get my nails done as part of my birthday gift from her. Then we spent the day lounging by her pool getting some color. Later I went to dinner with my mom and brother. It was great. A nice laid back day to celebrate turning a year older.
Tuesday, I was pretty surprised when I woke up not really being nervous at all. Usually I would be a wreck, but today I was okay, a pretty good omen if anything. My trip was less than half the time it usually is which was amazing. Then when I got there they had bought me breakfast so I could meet with everyone. How sweet is that?? Then I just dove right in. They already had this big project for me to work on so I’m doing this, while learning the ropes. Plus the lady who is training me is beyond awesome. She is so sweet and patient with me. I’ve already learned tons from her. I’m taking over her position when she leaves but I know she’ll leave me with plenty of knowledge!
Everyone here has been really nice to me. They are like one big family. Plus they definitely have some great perks. For summer Fridays here I now get to leave at 12:30. Every Wednesday they give us FREE lunch!!!! Plus the greatest benefit of all. Me actually leaving at 5 and getting home before 6!!! Last night I didn’t even know what to do with myself. It was great to come home and just be able to relax.
I can’t wait to see what else this new job has in store for me and also this new life I’m making for myself!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Last year when I turned 25, I wasn't too happy about that number. I decided to celebrate big anyway. It was 3 nights of non-stop partying and fun. Perfect for that milestone.
26 will be much more laid back. I am off work on Monday. So I plan on going to a nearby bar thats on the beach on Sunday, and just hang out with friends and have fun. The actual day of my birthday my friend is taking me to get my nails done and then out to lunch. Then I'll probably go out to dinner with my mom and brother. A pretty nice and relaxing day and I can't wait!!
I'm not dreading this birthday as much as I did last year. I'm pretty zen about turning a year older. With this new job and really new outlook on my life, I really feel like things is just about to begin.
I look forward to the year ahead and everything that will happen!
Monday, June 21, 2010
With this new job, I will get home from work before 6pm. Before I was came home from work at 8:30. I get 2 and 1/2 hours of my day back!
With this new job, I will save almost $4,000 from not having to take the train anymore. That's a lot of money!
With this new job, I will be able to dress up a bit more. With all the walking I did in the city I always had to wear sneakers, because of my foot problems. Now I can wear sandals, flats and all sorts of shoes!! Which means I can wear pretty clothes again!
With this new job, I can actually have a social life. I've been living like a hermit for almost 3 years because of my job. I always got home so late that I barely had time to eat and shower before bed. Now I can go out for happy hour if I want.
With this new job, I am going to join a gym and actually go to it! Before I had this excuse that I had no time in the day to go work out. Now I have no more excuses and it's time for me to start getting healthy again.
For the past week I've been smiling non-stop and honestly I can't remember when that has happened. I'm just so happy. I'm not even really nervous about this new job, which is so unlike me. Usually I would be one huge ball of nerves, but I've been pretty calm about it.
I can't wait to start!!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I’m seriously can’t believe that this happened. I wasn’t even looking for a new job.
Let me start from the beginning.
A few weeks ago my office found out that we were going to have a training day in our NJ office. It was going to be an all day thing, which happened last week. The day before, one of the VPs called me into her office. Which made me freak out since I thought I was in major trouble for something. Also she asked my manager to come too, which made me even more nervous.
As soon as I walked in though, she told about this position that just opened up in the NJ office that she thought I would be perfect for!! She told me that she knew my commute was horrible and the cost was a killer, so when this job opened up she immediately thought of me! How awesome is that?? That my VP recommended me for a job!!! Since we were already going to be in NJ the next day, she told me to come in a little earlier for an interview!
I honestly can’t even tell you how I felt. At how fast this happened and how amazing it would be for me to get the position. It was unreal. She told me I didn’t have to dress up, since I was going to be doing this training/team building thing afterwards. The next day, bright and early, I met with the two people to interview me and it was great! Seriously, the guy looked at the resume and said, “so on here it shows that you do everything that we would need you to do”!! There were very few questions, and a lot of explanation of what I would be doing there. It was the best interview ever. I knew I rocked it when it ended.
Then it was on to the training day. While we were all eating breakfast there was a slide show of all the things we had to go over that day. But then the last slide came up and said that it was really employee appreciation day and that we were all going to Dave and Busters for the day!!!!!!!! Talk about the best surprise ever!!!
We all boarded a bus and headed to Dave and Busters in Philly. It was all you can drink, free lunch, and we got a card with like 300 points to play the games. It was one of the best days. The day was so much fun and just flew by!!! We got back to the NJ office around 5 and I was home before 6! When we got back one of the people who interviewed me told me that things looked promising for me! I was on cloud 9!!
I was officially offered the position yesterday and haven’t been able to stop smiling. My life is going to change so much its crazy!! While I am nervous about starting a new position, one that has more responsibility, I just know this is the best thing for me right now!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I know I'm being vague but I honestly have no words to describe my day. Also I don't want to speak too quickly yet anyway.
It was just AMAZING.
Tune in next week to hear all about it!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
That’s exactly what I did on Saturday. It was so hot and humid out, it was the perfect day to hit the beach. Surprisingly there was no traffic getting to the beach. I live pretty close to the beach but usually as I get closer to one of the bridges, that takes me to the actual beach, I always hit some kind of traffic on the weekends. It was weird to not hit any traffic and for there to be so few cars on the road at that time. Then when we got to the beach, we found out that it was FREE that day!!! Talk about the perfect way to kick off the day and the summer for me!!!!
The beach was lovely. The weather channel said it was supposed to rain but it couldn’t have been more gorgeous at the beach. I can get antsy at the beach if I sit still for too long, but I had a book so I was set for the day.
It was so hot though that you had to go in the water. It was freezing, but felt refreshing after baking in the sun. Plus I’m a total water girl, so I can’t NOT go swimming if I am near a body of water.
The only downside to the day was the sunburn and weird tan lines I got. I never ever can just get an even tan. I always get weird tan lines and sunburns, so that my skin looks freaky all summer long. Last year my left foot got burned the first day in the sun so for the rest of the summer my foot just kept on getting darker and darker and the rest of my leg couldn’t catch up. It looked dirty by the end of the summer. lol. This year, my bathing suit had a ring where the strap goes through to go up around your neck halter style. So of course I got a little red dot on Saturday on my chest. lol. Also I did a terrible job at putting the sunscreen on the back of my legs so they are all splotchy. It’s pretty sexy. ;)
What event or activity signals the start of summer for you?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Anyway the only time I don't really care for my hair is in the summer. With Jersey humidity my hair takes a life of its own. It's like a balloon that just keeps growing and growing.
I hate it. Forget about even thinking about straightening it. Within hours it'll be gone.
A few weeks ago I got my hair cut and I saw that my saloon does this Keratin Smoothing Treatment. It's like chemically straightening your hair but instead of killing your hair it's actually good for you. What really caught my eye is the fact that it eliminates frizz by 95 percent!
I've been thinking about it ever since. With my birthday in a few weeks my mom offered to pay for me to get it done!!!!
I am so excited. The thought that I won't have to worry about my hair being a hot mess this summer is amazing! My appointment is in two weeks and I'll let you know how it goes!!
Have any of you had something like this done? What did you think of the results?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My brother and his wife welcomed their baby girl at about 3am Saturday Morning!! 8lbs 14oz and looks just like my brother! She has a full head of hair and is absolutely adorable*.
My mom and I left NJ as soon as my brother told us she was going into labor. We were hoping to get there before the baby came. We left around 10:30 Friday night. We figured we shouldn’t hit any traffic since it was so late. We were so very wrong.
We got to the toll before the Delaware Memorial Bridge and we sat in traffic for 3 HOURS. For 3 hours the car did not move an inch. It was the worst car experience I have ever had in my life. There was a bus fire on the bridge so they had stopped all traffic until the accident was cleared.
With my anxiety I don’t do well in that kind of situation. I had a crazy panic attack and was crying hysterically for like a half an hour. I was exhausted; it was 1am, which did not help with the craziness. Once we finally got moving we pretty much had no other problems. Other than extreme exhaustion.
We didn’t arrive to DC until 7 am in the morning. Over 8 hours of travelling. We went straight to the hospital and found out she had had the baby. They were exhausted and asked if we could come back in a few hours. With a quick stop to see the baby at the nursery, my mom and me when to their apartment for a quick nap and to recharge ourselves a little.
Around noon we headed back to the hospital where we finally got to see the baby up close and hold her. She is just so precious. My brother was a big pile of love and mush. He’s not really the affectionate kind of guy but he was full of love that day. It seriously made me tear up to see him so happy and at peace.
Later that afternoon, they were fading and with all the emotions from that day, we left to give them another break. We were planning on getting lunch and then going back, but we just really wanted to go home. We knew they were tired and if we were to go back it would only be a quick visit again before leaving, so we just left. We thought it best to give them some alone time with each other. Thankfully we hit no traffic coming home. We were able to get home by 6pm and just relax. We went about 40 hours without any real sleep. It was rough.
My mom is going back in a few weeks to spend some time with my sister-in-law and help her out for a week and hopefully I will be able to go down for a few days to visit again.
*I would post a picture but they asked me to not post anything on my facebook so I figured that would extend to this blog if they knew I had one.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The whole series was sooo good!!!!!!! I wish there was another book to read. I hate not knowing what happens to everyone else from the books that was mentioned at the end.
I now can't wait for the next movie to come out and I just bought the first 6 DVDs so I can watch all the movies again to see what I missed the first time around.
I might just be a little obsessed. lol.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Anyway I had a brilliant idea, well at the time I thought it was, to take my two 16 year old cousins with me. I know they are young but they are kind of like sisters to me. I really enjoy their company and I try to always be there for them. I asked their mom what she thought and she was all on board!! I was so excited about being able to go on vacation, even though I hadn’t even found a place yet.
Then panic mode set it. Was I an idiot taking two teen girls with me on vacation? Would I be able to handle a whole week with them? What if something horrible happens? What about renting a car and getting around? Can I handle that alone?
I was making myself sick with worry. I mean literally. My stomach was in knots and I was having some bathroom problems. (TMI) I must have talked myself out of this trip a thousand times. Making a million excuses as to why I couldn’t go. Then I realized that I was more worried about being out of my comfort zone than anything else. If there was ever an opportunity to push past my comfort zone and really start living my life, this was it.
I pushed my feelings down and started looking for places of where we could go. Since it’s so late into the year not a lot of places that looked good were available. They looked dingy, gross and not in the best areas. Then one day this amazing place came up! Seriously, out of 5 stars this place had a 4.5 rating by past visitors. I have never seen a place with more glowing reviews than this. The room is gigantic, and the resort has just so much to offer. There is a lazy river, waterslide, two pools, right on the beach, a free movie theater, mini golf, tennis courts, and so much more that I can’t even remember! I know Florida in August will be disgustingly hot but honestly I was in Jamaica last August and nothing can top that heat!
I took a deep breath and booked the place. I didn’t want to risk losing such an amazing place. Even though I am nervous, I am so happy I am doing this. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone and going on what looks to become a kickass vacation!
Monday, May 24, 2010
I hate that I over think everything. I mean before making big decisions I go over every possible scenario in my head about what could happen. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. Now? I just can’t do that. If I don’t think things through my anxiety will go into over drive and I can’t handle that.
But sometimes I think I am too cautious about things. It’s like I’ve become afraid of LIVING. I know that sounds weird but seriously I feel like I’m stuck because my own fears are preventing me from doing anything worthwhile.
This past week was a big stepping stone for me. Actually it was a number of stepping stones. I know for others what I say won’t seem like a big deal but to me? It was a HUGE step for me to get out of myself imposed prison and start moving on and living.
The first step actually happened a few months back. A good friend of mine was getting married. She asked me to do a reading for her at the church. I was so honored at being thought of, but as soon as she asked I went into panic mode. The best way to describe would be to feel like all the blood left your head, your heart starts beating and you begin to tremble a little inside. That’s what my panic mode feels like.
Anyway I was so nervous that I of course had to go over all the possible ways I could embarrass myself. I could trip walking up, be so nervous that my voice shakes uncontrollably, or maybe even cry. However I didn’t want to let her down or think I was saying no because of her so I agreed. And then spent the next few weeks freaking out about it. I was so nervous.
The thing is, I kind of rock at Public Speaking. In high school and College I did great whenever I had to speak in front of classes and I had a professor in college once ask me to join the debate team. I am really good at speaking in public when there are a lot of people and I don’t know anyone. Throw in a people I know and love and all that confidence falls by the wayside.
I was determined to overcome this and do well for my friend. The day of I was surprising calm. Even when we got there I was okay. No panic mode, no nothing. Even walking up to the alter I felt fine. Once I got up to the podium I felt a little rush of adrenaline, but then I just dove in and did my reading.
And I rocked it! No shaking voice, no crying, walked with purpose and poise. It was great. I am proud of myself that I was able to face my fear and do something like this. I was just so happy to be a part of their day! Also, I felt a lot better when the second reader’s voice was a little shaky in the beginning of her reading and the other person who did the blessings started to cry!! I felt terrible for them, but also a little bit better that I wasn’t the only one nervous about speaking in public!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Basically though, I've been having big time anxiety issues all week about various different things. I'm trying to push past these problems and force myself to step outside my comfort zone.
It's NOT easy.
Hopefully in the next few days I can articulate more on what's going on.
Hope you've been having a better week than me!!!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I think I have an overactive bladder.
Seriously!! I guess I’m secretly and 85 year old woman. lol
I’ve always been a big water drinker. It’s a habit that I got into when I was younger. When I had surgery on my knee the first time I was home for a long time. Instead of eating and eating, I decided to start drinking more. I would literally fill up a huge glass, hold it in one hand and crutch back to my couch (I have serious talents with crutches) and go to town. I’m weird. Anyway since I drink so much water I always assumed that was the reason I went to the bathroom so much.
But now I’m not so sure. I’ve cut back on the water intake to see if I would have to go less, nope, still going just as often as before. It can’t be normal to have to go to the bathroom this much. Sometimes I’m going every two hours. Even worse? When I go and like 20 minutes later I feel like I have to go again!!!!!
I wouldn’t mind this so much but people notice when you go so much. At work I try to do other things first (like check my mailbox or fill my water bottle) so people don’t realize that I’m going into the bathroom, every single time. Also it can be limiting. When I go out I usually have to make sure that at some point there will to be a bathroom nearby. Road trips I always have to stop. Sleeping is the worst though. I ALWAYS get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Some nights it’s like 4 times I’ll go. This has a serious effect on how well I sleep and how I feel the next morning. Still tired.
All my friends know this about me and we all make fun of it, but inside I’m embarrassed. Honestly I’m mortified I’m even writing about this right now.
I think I need to go see a doctor and maybe go on some kind of medication. You know those commercials: “gotta go gotta go gotta go right now…” that’s how I feel sometimes. I’m resolved that once the summer starts, I get off early on Fridays so I can see a doctor without taking time off, I will hopefully get to the bottom of this problem.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I'm not sure if I mentioned this but my brother's wife is pregnant. Her due date is next week!!!!!! I am soo excited for them and I can't believe I'm going to be an aunt. I will spoil this child rotten.
I'm pretty sure since it's her first baby that is won't come next week. I know this sounds selfish but I want her to have the baby during the week. With Memorial Day quickly approaching, (seriously where did this month go?!!!!) I wouldn't want to have to deal with hours of traffic trying to make my way to Virginia to see them. lol.
I just can't wait for the baby to come. I am so happy for them and I know my brother will be a great dad!
Monday, May 10, 2010
It was creeping up on my for a few days. A couple of restless nights, some coughing, a little achey....
and then BAM full out sick.
All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.
Since I refuse to take off from work when I'm sick, I'll just have to power through until the weekend.
Bahhh, it's May I shouldn't be sick like this!!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Speaking of shopping I also bought the new Sookie Stackhouse book and the Jen Lancaster books. Both released today. I am so excited to read both of them. I can’t wait to see what happens next to Sookie and what hilarious tales Jen will be telling.
I don’t normally talk about my job here but I had my performance review the other day and it was excellent!!!!!!! I couldn’t be happier and I can’t wait to see my next pay check and the little bit of extra money I’ll now be getting!
Not so good news? NJ Transit has raised their ticket prices. My monthly train pass is going up a whopping 80 dollars!!! Ugh. Not very happy about this at all.
My mom owns a timeshare. We have one week that is going to expire at the end of August. I wasn’t really planning on going on vacation this summer because I want to try and visit my brother in India come the fall. However it would be stupid to just let this week go to waste. Also it seems most of my friends don’t want to go away anywhere and spend a lot of money. This means I don’t really have anyone to go away with.
I’m not really sure what to do. It would be nice to just go to Florida or something but I don’t really want to go by myself. Or maybe I could try and sell the week on craigslist or something. But that could get messy. I just need to look into this more. I keep on procrastinating it for some reason but something needs to be booked soon. Any suggestions??
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
For the party the bridesmaids wanted to buy shirts and decorate them. When they sent out the evites they asked everyone to respond with what size shirt you would need so they can buy the clothes. Cue me having a panic attack. All the girls going to the party were thin, except for me. Here they are putting down their sizes, small, medium, extra small…. and I was supposed to put down MY size? My plus sized number???
I honestly did not know what to do. I was mortified just having to tell them a number, and then even more embarrassing what if they went to a store that did NOT even have my size?? Finally I summoned up the courage to e-mail directly one of the girls that I know pretty well and ask her more about the whole shirt thing. I told her that my sizes tend to differ store to store and where were they going to go and get the shirts? I figured that way they would e-mail me first so I would know if I would even fit in that store. If not I could just tell them I would buy my own shirt somewhere else and give it to them, with the label of course cut out.
She got back to me saying that they were going to go to Old Navy. Yay!! A store that I can actually fit in!!! Even though I was happy about that, I still had to tell her what size to buy. I summoned up all my courage and told her to please get me the 2X shirt.
Thankfully she was really sweet and understanding about the whole thing, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder if she was secretly judging me. Chances are there was a least some thought that went through her head about my actual size. Or maybe that’s just me being paranoid and so self-conscious.
Then came the actual night. With my anxiety I spent the whole day freaking out. What if the shirt didn’t fit? Or what if they had to buy a different style shirt because the ones everyone else had didn’t have my size? I was a mess. The shirt fit!! And I didn’t look totally out of place with the rest of the girls. After that I was able to breath and just have a good time. Even though the night was fun I still can’t help but wonder, did she tell the other girls what size I am? Did they judge me at all when I was out with them because of my size? I’ll never know, and honestly I don’t want to know.
This was a definite wake up call for me. I really need to get off my ass and start being pro-active about losing weight. I am so unhappy with how I look. I will never be comfortable with my size, and it’s up to me and me alone to change that. I have to change my eating habits and start working out again.
I know it’s going to be almost impossible for me, with my work schedule and the fact that I’m the queen of excuses, but I’m really determined to not get stuck. In order for me to be happy I need to lose weight. I’m not expecting to look like a model, I would just be happy being a size 12. I writing this here with the hopes that it will inspire me to follow through.
Wish me luck!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
I've been meaning to do this for a while now, but life, and my laziness, got in the way. I was determined to finally clean out this weekend.
I was able to get rid of a lot of clothes. 2 black garbage bags worth!! I just have to take them to a clothing drop box. Even though I got rid of so many items, my closet still seems to be really full. Granted in a better order and I can see everything, but I feel like I have too much still. There were some items that were in the "maybe I will wear this again" pile. I just couldn't part a nice item of clothing that still fits, even if I haven't worn it in over a year. I did tell myself though that if i don't wear it at least once before the fall it WILL go bye bye.
There is also a lot of work clothing that I bought forever ago when I was on the job search. My office is super casual so most of these have never seen the light of day. Including a very nice suit with the tags still on them. I saved these because I plan on donating them to Dress for Success. I love the concept of them and it's nice to know that my suit could help a person get a much needed job. I just need to pack them up into a box so I can mail them away. Once I do that and get rid of the maybe's come fall my closet will look really good.
I also tossed a bunch of old makeup, old receipts and papers that I didn't need anymore, shoe boxes, and other items. That filled up one giant garbage bag and I can officially look through my desk drawers without having a panic attack!!
It felt soo good to do this. I was on such a roll that I changed my sheets and washed my comforter. By the time I went to bed I was in my own little place of peace and tranquility.
Do you like to clean out your closets or do you tend to hold onto items forever?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Maybe it was because my brother and his wife came up to visit that weekend and I wasn’t going to see them as much as I wanted. Or maybe for the past month I’ve been away or doing something crazy that I just wanted to hang low. Either way, as soon as I was up there I wanted to go home. I kept trying to boost myself and get excited but I was falling flat. Then I called to tell my mom I got there safely (yes I still do this, she worries) and in the background I heard what sounded like a big fun party going on at my house. That really bummed me out.
I decided to just shake it off and just fake it til I made it. I put on a happy face and joined in the festivities. Gradually I started to genuinely enjoy myself and then with a few drinks and a lot of laughs I was having a blast. By the morning I was really happy I went. The night was not without some drama, but it just made it more interesting and I felt like I was back in college. I was happy I got to see my friends, some who I hadn’t seen in at least 6 months. I was happy to go out and just have a good time.
Plus when I got home on Sunday my brother and his wife were still there so I still got to spend some quality time. The wife is about 8 months pregnant and she looks adorable!!!!! I can’t believe I’m going to be an Aunt in just one month! I’m going to spoil that kid rotten. This weekend I plan on doing absolutely nothing and I couldn’t be more excited. I really need a weekend to relax and recharge my batteries!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Whenever I go to AC I always stay at the Tropicana, but the girls reserved a room at the Hilton. In my opinion it’s the best place to stay. There is a ton of stuff to do and you don’t ever have to worry about leaving the hotel. The Hilton wasn’t bad at all. The rooms were a decent size, but we barely spent any time in the casino there or anything.
We went to dinner at Carmines at the Tropicana. It was delicious. I have never eaten there before but it was amazing. The only thing was it was very expensive, but it was a special occasion so it was fine. While we were eating, another bachelor party came to our table. They were doing a scavenger hunt and asked if they could take a picture with us.
Then they asked one of the other girls if she would take off her bra and give it to the groom to take a picture with. He gave her 30 bucks for doing that!! We were making a lot of noise but nothing too crazy, however the manager of the restaurant came over and kicked us out of the place!! It was good that we were done eating so it didn’t really matter, but I have never been asked to leave a place before! lol.
We headed back to our hotel to play some games. Before we left the Trop though, some of the girls wanted to just play a slot machine. I played one of the poker games and managed to win 56 dollars in like 2 minutes!!!!! I NEVER win when I gamble. I’m lucky to just break even. I was so happy to get that, especially from a quarter game.
Back in the room we played some games and then we were given matching shirts to wear out. The bride got a black tank top that said “Here comes the bride” and the rest of us wore pink tank tops that said “Here Comes the party”. Now normally I really hate when people wear those shirts, but they were pretty cute and I was pretty drunk by then so I didn’t really mind. THEN they made us were little tiaras, and the bride had a giant white crown with a veil. That was a little much but again I was drunk so I didn’t really care. lol. Plus it was kinda fun. Everywhere we went we were stopped by people. Defiantly a conversation started. We walked back to the Tropicana (again: very annoying to walk back and forth) where we spent the rest of the night dancing and just having a great time. We also did a scavenger hunt for the bride, but she barely completed anything. The items we did accomplish were hilarious AND we didn’t have to pay anyone to do it!
It was a great night. The only thing was my feet were killing me. Since my bff was getting tired we left earlier than the rest of the girls. Walking back to our hotel was an experience. My feet were on fire and there was a sketchy ass man following us back!! I almost broke out into a run because he was really freaking us out. I’m just happy I wasn’t alone.
The next day I woke up hangover free (thankfully). It was a blast!! I love going to AC and I can’t wait to go down again.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I would always try to write into diaries but I never kept up with them. I think the biggest difference here is that I know people are reading this so it boosts my motivation to keep going. I defiantly feel part of a community and I hope to continue this for many more years to come.
Last year I tried to think of something fun to celebrate but this year I can’t think of anything. So if any of you have a meme or questions to ask me please do!!! Any lurkers please come out and say HI!