Monday, April 15, 2013

Putting things into Perspective

So I disappeared for a couple of weeks. My life was turned upside down and I'm still coming to gripes with everything that's happened.

Long story short (because I can't really talk about it all yet), my dad's sister and one of her daughters died very suddenly. They were killed in a house fire. Which is really and truly beyond horrifying for me to even imagine still. It shocked me to my core. Not only am I extremely upset at this loss, it brought up a whole bunch of other issues I wasn't quite ready to deal with.

I have mentioned in the past on here, that I do not have a relationship with my father. Before this I haven't seen him in over 8 years. As hard as it is to explain; the lack of relationship isn't really a bad thing to me anymore. It is what it is. He and my mom divorced when I was 12. I didn't speak with him for a long long time because of everything that happened after. When I was in college I reached out to him. Despite my best efforts it just wasn't working out. He wasn't being a dad for me still. I had finally realized that having him in my life was making me sad and depressed, and it was just time for me to let it go. I haven't really looked back since. Don't get me wrong, I still think of him from time to time. And I miss the fact that I never really had a dad in my life or will in the future.

It's also definitely messed with me in terms of having a serious relationship in my life. I am terrified of getting hurt by a man I love. So I keep them at a distance. This is something I have been working on but I'm a work in progress for sure.

Since my parents divorce I've rarely seen anyone on my dad's side of the family. I think in part it was because they really didn't know how to maintain a relationship with us. Especially considering none of us spoke with my dad. The last time I saw most of them was well over 10 years. The thought of seeing all of them (there are a lot of them) at a wake, was just almost too much for me to handle. Then add the fact that I would be seeing my dad. I was a wreck. And despite not having seen my aunt or cousin in years, I was/am really sad about them passing. No one should die that young. My cousin was only 27.

I was afraid of what my dad or my family would say to me. If they would be mean toward me or what. Thankfully my brother came with me and we faced it head on. My whole family was welcoming and touched that we came to pay our respects. My dad was a shock to see. He has aged greatly since the last time I saw him and does not look like he's in good health. It was extremely awkward at first being with him. But I feel like in the end it was almost like closure. I've finally realized that he is in my past. He'll always be my dad and I will always love him because he's my father, but other than that. I am truly okay that he's not apart of my life. And I now know I can face seeing him without falling to pieces.

Having this tragic event happen has put everything I've been struggling with lately into perspective. Life is so short and so precious that I cannot waste anymore time with it. Dealing with the deteriotion of my friendship with my best friend, and realizing that I will be just fine if she's no longer in my life. Not taking offence to the fact that she basically planned her entire wedding in a week and didn't tell me a word about it. I now realize we are just two very different people in very different parts of our lives. And she is just selfish and isn't being malicious toward me when she doesn't tell me anything. That's just her now.

With regards to my career, I have to just go for it. I'll deeply regret not trying at the very least becoming a baker. Again life is too damn short for me to not be living every second of it. I have officially applied to the college to become a student come this fall. I'll keep you posted on that!


Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
While this was very sad it was also beautiful Carolyn.

Live so you have no regrets.
I only regret things I didn't do or wouldn't do. I never regret what I've tried to do or perhaps even failed at. Those all ended up being a lesson that I needed. Sucks while doing it but you know how that goes.

Your father is the one who has lost the most Carolyn. I bet he regrets that too.

You are a brave young woman.
I'm proud to know you.

Akaren Aps Horsensvej Br├Ždstrup said...

i am sade fore your loss and it is a sensetiv story.
Akaren ApS