Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It's just a number...

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I went to a bachelorette party. While I did have a blast, there was something that caused me a lot of pain and embarrassment. Something that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to talk about here, but I need to get it off my chest since I haven’t talked about it to anyone.

For the party the bridesmaids wanted to buy shirts and decorate them. When they sent out the evites they asked everyone to respond with what size shirt you would need so they can buy the clothes. Cue me having a panic attack. All the girls going to the party were thin, except for me. Here they are putting down their sizes, small, medium, extra small…. and I was supposed to put down MY size? My plus sized number???

I honestly did not know what to do. I was mortified just having to tell them a number, and then even more embarrassing what if they went to a store that did NOT even have my size?? Finally I summoned up the courage to e-mail directly one of the girls that I know pretty well and ask her more about the whole shirt thing. I told her that my sizes tend to differ store to store and where were they going to go and get the shirts? I figured that way they would e-mail me first so I would know if I would even fit in that store. If not I could just tell them I would buy my own shirt somewhere else and give it to them, with the label of course cut out.

She got back to me saying that they were going to go to Old Navy. Yay!! A store that I can actually fit in!!! Even though I was happy about that, I still had to tell her what size to buy. I summoned up all my courage and told her to please get me the 2X shirt.

Thankfully she was really sweet and understanding about the whole thing, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder if she was secretly judging me. Chances are there was a least some thought that went through her head about my actual size. Or maybe that’s just me being paranoid and so self-conscious.

Then came the actual night. With my anxiety I spent the whole day freaking out. What if the shirt didn’t fit? Or what if they had to buy a different style shirt because the ones everyone else had didn’t have my size? I was a mess. The shirt fit!! And I didn’t look totally out of place with the rest of the girls. After that I was able to breath and just have a good time. Even though the night was fun I still can’t help but wonder, did she tell the other girls what size I am? Did they judge me at all when I was out with them because of my size? I’ll never know, and honestly I don’t want to know.

This was a definite wake up call for me. I really need to get off my ass and start being pro-active about losing weight. I am so unhappy with how I look. I will never be comfortable with my size, and it’s up to me and me alone to change that. I have to change my eating habits and start working out again.

I know it’s going to be almost impossible for me, with my work schedule and the fact that I’m the queen of excuses, but I’m really determined to not get stuck. In order for me to be happy I need to lose weight. I’m not expecting to look like a model, I would just be happy being a size 12. I writing this here with the hopes that it will inspire me to follow through.

Wish me luck!!


Karen said...

Good luck.

I think it came with maturity, but I could not give a crap less if someone knows I wear a size 18/20. Sometimes even larger depending on the store and style. I just told you and your I have come to a point where I love myself and I know that am attractive in my own way.

But when I was younger it would have embarrassed me to be in the situation you were in.

Searcher girl said...

Dear Carolyn,

Thanks for your post.

Its 5 am in India and I had had one of my famous sleepless nights -- which had followed a emotionally charged , stressful day of non-acceptance of self. So I came to my laptop to blog as writing is my therapy too.

On the way to my blog, I found yours. When I read your 'its just a number...' post. It touched my heart. DEEPLY. what a coincidence that I am writing this. This is the message I wanted/ want to give myself.

You are not alone. I feel your pain.

My reasons of struggle , my circumstances are different but I feel your pain.

learn to live happily , cheerfully and joyfully with yourself.learn to deeply and truly love your self - first for what ever you think you are today , now and here. Then, see your self fully without your conditioning. discover your beauty and discover your majesty and power. see yourself clearly.

whats important is how you treat yourself. whether you are kind and loving and supportive of yourself.
thats all that matters. the rest follows. all that you desire will follow. but you must start that for yourself. give to yourself that which you want. first you have to give to yourself before others can give it to you. show others how to treat you.

I know very clearly that you are a very beautiful girl. AND OFCOURSE DEFINITELY MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER.

Find out who you are. See your self clearly.

Thank you - you have awakened me. I know in my heart and soul -- this is a fresh dawn from which i begin to truly and deeply love myself. NO MATTER WHAT. cos I am...

My love to you.

erin - heart in ireland said...

very honest and great to read. good luck with your goal!

and i don't really stop to think about sizes when picking up stuff for my friends, but i know it is hard to not be self conscious at times.