Monday, May 24, 2010

Stepping Stones

Last week was filled with anxiety for me. Most of it for nothing.

I hate that I over think everything. I mean before making big decisions I go over every possible scenario in my head about what could happen. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. Now? I just can’t do that. If I don’t think things through my anxiety will go into over drive and I can’t handle that.

But sometimes I think I am too cautious about things. It’s like I’ve become afraid of LIVING. I know that sounds weird but seriously I feel like I’m stuck because my own fears are preventing me from doing anything worthwhile.

This past week was a big stepping stone for me. Actually it was a number of stepping stones. I know for others what I say won’t seem like a big deal but to me? It was a HUGE step for me to get out of myself imposed prison and start moving on and living.

The first step actually happened a few months back. A good friend of mine was getting married. She asked me to do a reading for her at the church. I was so honored at being thought of, but as soon as she asked I went into panic mode. The best way to describe would be to feel like all the blood left your head, your heart starts beating and you begin to tremble a little inside. That’s what my panic mode feels like.

Anyway I was so nervous that I of course had to go over all the possible ways I could embarrass myself. I could trip walking up, be so nervous that my voice shakes uncontrollably, or maybe even cry. However I didn’t want to let her down or think I was saying no because of her so I agreed. And then spent the next few weeks freaking out about it. I was so nervous.

The thing is, I kind of rock at Public Speaking. In high school and College I did great whenever I had to speak in front of classes and I had a professor in college once ask me to join the debate team. I am really good at speaking in public when there are a lot of people and I don’t know anyone. Throw in a people I know and love and all that confidence falls by the wayside.

I was determined to overcome this and do well for my friend. The day of I was surprising calm. Even when we got there I was okay. No panic mode, no nothing. Even walking up to the alter I felt fine. Once I got up to the podium I felt a little rush of adrenaline, but then I just dove in and did my reading.

And I rocked it! No shaking voice, no crying, walked with purpose and poise. It was great. I am proud of myself that I was able to face my fear and do something like this. I was just so happy to be a part of their day! Also, I felt a lot better when the second reader’s voice was a little shaky in the beginning of her reading and the other person who did the blessings started to cry!! I felt terrible for them, but also a little bit better that I wasn’t the only one nervous about speaking in public!


Karen said...

Good for you! That is not a fear for me, but I do have anxiety and panic over random crap.

erin - heart in ireland said...

That's awesome! Congrats for being able to give the reading!