What would you do? (need advice!!!!)

There have been some things on my mind lately and I just don't really know how to proceed.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but just in case, let me start by saying that I don't have a relationship with my dad. Basically he's a pretty crappy father and I had to cut him out of my life because I was sad all the time. When you have a relationship with anyone, I think that if you are upset 99% of the time, that maybe it's time to let it go. Even if it's someone like your dad.

That's what I did about 4 years ago. Maybe a little longer actually. Anyway, it was like instant. As soon as I stopped talking to him, I felt lighter and happier than I did in years. It was definitely the best decision for me. I know some people reading this might think I'm a bad person for not talking to my dad, but please understand that every situation is different. I am not the type of person who can keep on contact with a person who makes me sad all the time, just because it's the right thing to do.

Anyway at my gym, I keep on meeting people who either know my dad, or a family member on that side of the family. Naturally meeting all these people, made me start thinking about my dad again. I guess I feel guilty for shutting him out of my life. Plus, I hate the fact that he blames my mother for the fact that neither my brothers or I speak to him. Even though it's not her fault at ALL. She was the one person that always tried to get me to talk to him, and he's always blaming her for everything. It's insane.

While I don't want to start up a relationship with my Dad again, I also don't want to leave things how they are now. I feel bad that he doesn't know anything about my life. Also down the line if I ever get married or what not I don't want him to feel out of the loop. But I also don't want him to be involved either. I'm seriously torn.

I wrote up a letter that is sitting in my drafts to him. I'm not sure if I should send it or not. Basically in it, I try to explain a little better why I cut off communication. At the end I also offer to send him sporadic updates on my life if he would like me to do so. If not than that would be okay too.

I'm afraid it's opening up a big can of worms though. I'm afraid he'll read it the wrong way and think I'm blaming him for something (which I'm not, but he likes to twist my words around a lot). I'm also afraid he'll think that my mom is some way involved in it and will harass her (which he has in the past).

I just want to not have any regrets. He's my father, and even though I don't like him, I will always love him. He's my dad. I don't want the day to come when he passes away and me be filled with regret. But I also don't want to go back to that place when I was depressed and sad all the time either.

So should I send the letter or not?

An open letter

Dear NJ Transit,

I thought we discussed this already?? You were going to be on your best behavior and not run late anymore!! Why the hell did it take me over THREE hours to get home last night? Three hours!!

I get home late enough as it is. This was just ridiculous. I usually get home at 8:30 every night. Last night? I didn’t walk in the door til 10:30. It took me over 2 hours to just get from NY Penn station to Newark. That’s only supposed to take 20 minutes!!

I am furious at you NJ Transit. You better man up and start running on time again. I was starving and practically in tears when I walked through that door last night. Does that make you happy?

I’m begging you. Please please never do that to me again.

Sincerely,

A very unhappy commuter

Commute from hell

Dear NJ Transit,

For the past 2 weeks you have cause me nothing but headaches. Is it possible for you to stop messing up and run on time for once? It’s bad enough when I’m late for work because I was stuck on the train for 2 hours, but canceling my train home the other night was NOT cool. I had to wait 30 minutes for the next train that was a local and 20 minutes longer then my normal train.

I get home from work late enough, I would much appreciate it if you could at least make an effort to not make it any later.

Sincerely,

Can’t stand getting home from work after 9 pm

An open letter

Dear dad,

12 years ago yesterday you left my mom. Actually you left your family. You like to say you were just leaving my mom, but what do you call not trying to contact your own children during the month that followed? Did you really think you could pick and choose when you wanted me in your life? That’s not how it works. But I’m not angry anymore. Seriously, I should hate you for everything that you done, but it got to tiring being mad. It was ruining my life and barely affecting yours. So I let go.

I let go of the fact that you chose to tell my mom that you were having an affair and you were leaving her, then proceeded to go to sleep in the same bed as her as if what you just said was okay.

I let go of the fact that you decided to go golfing the next day instead of telling your children what had happened. I let go of the fact that you made my brother be your caddy and told him while you were on the back nine. I let go of the fact that you continued to play while my brother was crying in the golf cart.

I let go of the fact that you made my mom tell me what was going on and how you conveniently left out the part of the other woman. Or while I was crying in my bedroom you just kept walking by with bag after bag of your things, never stopping to see how I was or try to comfort me.

I let go of the fact that you were engaged with the other woman before the divorce was even final. Or how you told the judge that my mom brainwashed me into hating you. Yes, that’s why I didn’t want to see you, because I was brainwashed not for your actions or the threatening letters you sent to my mother.

I let go of the fact that you tried only a handful of times to see me. I was angry with you, but you should have beat down the door and made me talk to you. Even if my mother was preventing you from seeing me, which I know isn’t true; you should have made it happen. You were the adult and I was the child.

I let go of all this and tried to have a relationship with you again in college. I contacted you, played by your rules, never asked questions that you couldn’t answer, and even visited you at your home with your new wife all in the hopes of repairing what was done. But nothing happened. You didn’t try. You wrote me one sentence e-mails once a week and thought that was sufficient. It wasn’t. I wanted a father, not an acquaintance. When I pushed for something more you called me superficial and tried to blame it on me. Again, you’re the parent and I’m your child, I shouldn’t have been doing all the work in the first place. It should have been you to contact me, you should have answered all my questions even the tough ones, you should have visited me to make me more comfortable instead of telling me it was to expensive and then going on vacation to Florida a month later.

I had to let you go again. The relationship was killing me and I was constantly unhappy. I was looking for a dad; instead I got a shell of the man who used to be him. You tried to blame me for what happened, but I know the truth. You can go ahead and tell people what a horrible and manipulated person I am, but I know the truth. I was never after you money all I wanted was you. You just didn’t want me, or my brothers for that matter.

I am truly not angry with you anymore. Just filled with sadness. When I see fathers with their children, I wished that were you. When I go to wedding and the bride is walked down the aisle with her father, I know that will never be me. You will never see me on my wedding day, or when I have children. You will miss out on my entire life and it’s all your choice. I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you have 3 amazing children who you barely even know. Sorry for the fact that you never tried to know us. We will be better people without you in our lives, but you will be for the worse now that we’re not.