Wednesday, March 2, 2011

What would you do? (need advice!!!!)

There have been some things on my mind lately and I just don't really know how to proceed.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but just in case, let me start by saying that I don't have a relationship with my dad. Basically he's a pretty crappy father and I had to cut him out of my life because I was sad all the time. When you have a relationship with anyone, I think that if you are upset 99% of the time, that maybe it's time to let it go. Even if it's someone like your dad.

That's what I did about 4 years ago. Maybe a little longer actually. Anyway, it was like instant. As soon as I stopped talking to him, I felt lighter and happier than I did in years. It was definitely the best decision for me. I know some people reading this might think I'm a bad person for not talking to my dad, but please understand that every situation is different. I am not the type of person who can keep on contact with a person who makes me sad all the time, just because it's the right thing to do.

Anyway at my gym, I keep on meeting people who either know my dad, or a family member on that side of the family. Naturally meeting all these people, made me start thinking about my dad again. I guess I feel guilty for shutting him out of my life. Plus, I hate the fact that he blames my mother for the fact that neither my brothers or I speak to him. Even though it's not her fault at ALL. She was the one person that always tried to get me to talk to him, and he's always blaming her for everything. It's insane.

While I don't want to start up a relationship with my Dad again, I also don't want to leave things how they are now. I feel bad that he doesn't know anything about my life. Also down the line if I ever get married or what not I don't want him to feel out of the loop. But I also don't want him to be involved either. I'm seriously torn.

I wrote up a letter that is sitting in my drafts to him. I'm not sure if I should send it or not. Basically in it, I try to explain a little better why I cut off communication. At the end I also offer to send him sporadic updates on my life if he would like me to do so. If not than that would be okay too.

I'm afraid it's opening up a big can of worms though. I'm afraid he'll read it the wrong way and think I'm blaming him for something (which I'm not, but he likes to twist my words around a lot). I'm also afraid he'll think that my mom is some way involved in it and will harass her (which he has in the past).

I just want to not have any regrets. He's my father, and even though I don't like him, I will always love him. He's my dad. I don't want the day to come when he passes away and me be filled with regret. But I also don't want to go back to that place when I was depressed and sad all the time either.

So should I send the letter or not?


Karen said...

You have to do what is right for you, but put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone said to you, "I don't want you in my life, but here is what I am up to."? Do you think it is fair to your dad? Do you even care if it fair given your the fact that he isn't a great person?

It is up to you and I don't think that I am qualified to really give an opinion - but I say only send the letter if it helps you. If you are doing it for his benefit, then just let sleeping dogs lie.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

When he is gone will you regret never having discussed this via letter or in person with him? If not then don't send it.

If you will regret that you never got to let him know your side of this and telling him your feelings then send it!