Wednesday, July 14, 2010

One day at a time.

I am sore.

Really really sore.

But that means I had a good workout though right?

The gym experience is going.... well it's going.

The first night, they just walked me through the whole setup and gave me a sheet of paper of good things I should start eating. The one thing I'm bad at is not eating enough protein. I rarely hit the amount they want me to eat every day. Anyway the first night I just walked, fast, on a treadmill for 30 minutes. Not bad. Although I felt weird when I stepped off and when I was walking regularly it was a weird feeling. Like I was still on the machine. lol. I guess I just need to get used to it.

Then we set up an appointment for me to start strength training. Holy crap. It was hard. Like I wanted to quit halfway through hard. Remember when I said, that I used to work out half assed. Well shit, it was more like a quarter assed. I thought I was going to collapse when I was walking back to my car last night. Then when I showered my arms hurt just from shampooing my hair!

I'm not going to lie. Last night really tested me on if I wanted to do this or not. If I am, I have to commit to it 100%. There is definitely no slacking allowed. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to get into a habit. That's what I'm going to do. I going to force myself to keep up with this for 3 weeks straight, and hopefully by the end I will start to feel a difference in my body and will want to keep going.

I hate to fail, at anything. Which probably why I've never really tired to get in shape before. I don't want to fail. Also, I'm a little scared of succeeding. I know that sounds weird, but I am. What if I don't like the new me? Which is crazy, but I can't help thinking that. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that far ahead. I'm at day 3 right now, and I just need to focus on day 4. One day at a time is how I'm going to approach this. Too much too fast and I know I'll stop.

I really really really want this. I've never been able to really say out loud how much I hate my body. I am great at putting on a happy face and pretending that it doesn't bother me that I'm overweight. It's hard for me to just say to myself that I am fat. It hurts too much. That's why I'm so afraid of failing. Not trying at least allows me to have those "what if" and "if only did I do this" day dreams where I end up look amazing. But what if I work out, learn to eat right, and I don't lose weight? Then where do i go from there?

I'm getting ahead of myself again. I just need to focus on the now. Thinking like doesn't do me any good and just makes me sad. For now I'm just focusing on doing cardio after work today, and then doing more strength training (shudder) tomorrow.


Karen said...

I am proud of you. Rock on!

'Megan' said...

Well done, it all sounds like a huge effort. I understand the bit about being frightened of succeeding. Maybe it's because if you are over weight it can be a good excuse for lots of things - at least I think that's what I do.

Raquel's World said...

This reminds me of my experience with a trainer. We trained upstairs at the gym and I barely made it through. Then when it was over I could not simply get down the stairs. They were steep, I was sore and my legs were shaking as if I was mid-seizure. I was so scared that I would lose balance and tumble down the stairs in front of everyone so I sat on the top step sipping my water pretending to chill till the gym emptied out and I could crawl my way down. The worse was sitting on the toilet, who knew that was painful. It lasted days. And of course I gave up.

I have wanted to return to the gym minus the trainer so maybe you will inspire me. Good Luck. Definitely keep me posted.