Remembrance

I see a lot of people writing about September 11th. It’s a hard subject of me to write about. I can’t even think about it without tears forming in my eyes. While thankfully no one in my family was hurt, a lot of people from my town passed away. Even though I live in New Jersey I live in a very big commuter town. The number of people who passed away is upwards of 70. It was one of the worst days. I remember being in school not knowing what exactly was going on. Then when I found out, I thought of the amount of people I knew who worked in the Twin Towers and prayed to God they were safe.

I was especially worried about a family friend who worked there. I’ve known him all my life and he is like a father to me. He’s actually been more of a father to me then my own dad. He was the one who I was most afraid for. By some miracle he had a doctors appointment that day and was still in New Jersey when it happened. Being the floor he was working on, he would have passed away had it not been for that appointment. Some weren’t as luckily as him. I remember going to wake after wake, my heart breaking every time. A lot of these people were my friends’ father or mother. I stood there in awe at the strength that these people had to move forward and not let this tragedy rip them apart.

So today I ask you to not only remember the people who lost their lives on that day, but also the family and friends of the victims. Keep in your heart who they are and what they had to go through. How they picked themselves up and went forward with their lives. I could not imagine the strength that they had to do such a thing and I can only hope to learn by their example and apply it to my life.

“Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.

Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.”
- E. E. Cummings

I know a lot of people think that poem is about Love, but I think it is about life and friendship.

Long Day

Right now at work the system we use to do all our work is down. AKA for the last half hour I have been surfing the net. Today has been a really slow day. Not much work to do, and the work I do have is going slow due to the sucky system. It's only Tuesday and I am killing myself. I want it to be Friday NOW.

I am looking forward to this weekend. My brother is home on break for 3 weeks and he is coming up this weekend. He lives in Maryland and even though he is on "break" he still actually has to go to his job in DC, which is why he is only giving us 3 days. Which is fine, as long as I get to see him.

Even more exciting is that he is bringing up his girlfriend to meet the family. They've been dating for like 8 months but none of us have ever met her. We've barely even seen a picture. It's getting really serious between the 2 and I'm pretty sure he thinks that she's the one. I couldn't be happier for him, but I am nervous about my mom liking her. She really hates the fact that she never met her, and already has bad things to say about her even though they've never met. She is an typical Italian mother. That and the fact that my mom secretly hopes that my brother and his ex-girlfriend from HIGH SCHOOL will finally get together. They dated more than 10 years ago and my mom still thinks that they will get back together!

Fingers crossed that everyone gets along! Saturday we're having a little party for him so it should be a good time all around. I can't wait for it!

What do you need?

I saw a couple of other people do this post last week and since I don’t really have anything to post today I decided this would be good to fill in. Basically you take your name and you Google it along with the word “needs” after it. Now I’m pretty sure I've mentioned before that Rose isn’t actually my name. I am actually debating on whether or not I should reveal my actual name but I’m just not ready yet. Anyway keep in mind that I did use my real name when I googled, so if for some reason you decided to google “Rose Needs” and you came up with different stuff, well that’s why. Anyway enjoy the following Needs that came up on google.

• a spanking: that’s awesome and maybe a little bit true
• to back up: If by back up they mean to take a step back and really look at my life then YES
• your prayers: absolutely I need all the help I can get
• to make sure there aren't any conditions present that rule out having a massage due to any health risks: This one is weird, but I can say that I don’t really enjoy massages because I am very ticklish
• will continue to be met, and that she'll continue to be a light in this world for many years help: Well this one technically came from saying “Rose’s Needs” slightly different then the actual challenge but I put it up because it was a serious moral booster when I read it.
• your financial support: Umm yes. If any of you have a few thousand to spare, I would appreciate being the recipient.
• to be here to show 'em how it's done: I like this. Again a good moral booster
• a cigarette for the rest of this: I don’t smoke but I do enjoy the smell of smoke, which is really weird.

Well here’s my list of needs. I thought this was really fun and very enlightening. What are your needs?

P.S. - I'm still new to this whole thing. Can anyone please tell me what MEME stands for? It's driving me crazy!

Let’s talk about politics

No wait! Don’t leave yet! This isn’t a post about who I love and hate and why. This is just about the election in general. Some things have been bothering me a lot lately with everything that’s going on. First I will say that I am not telling you who I will be voting for. One because I actually haven’t decided, I keep switching back and forth. Secondly because I don’t think it’s anyone’s business who I vote for. There is a reason why you walk behind that curtain to place your vote. When did it become acceptable to tell everyone whom you are voting for and when you tell that person that you don’t really feel like telling them they actually get mad at you? Don’t get me wrong I’m all for people expressing their opinions. I am a huge fan of the first amendment and I don’t believe in censorship, but I do believe in respecting people.

If you want to tell people voluntarily whom you are voting for and why, go ahead. I think it’s great that we can freely express our opinions and talk about things like that. That’s what makes this country so great. I feel like people tend to forget how lucky we are that we can do this. The fact that we can share, disagree, debate, and freely express ourselves is amazing. However if a person doesn’t want to share or if they happen to disagree with your views I believe that the person should still be respected, not attacked. I also believe that you should hear the person out, even if you disagree. It’s all about equal coverage. Which brings me to my point.

Last night while watching the RNC there were some disruptions during John McCain’s speech. I think that was in really bad taste. He deserved equal coverage. Just because you disagree with him doesn’t mean it’s okay to make a scene like that. American people deserved the right to hear him out and what he had to say, without being disrupted. How else can people come to an informed decision about who to vote for? I believe in getting all the facts before making a choice like that. Which is why I haven’t made my decision yet. I am learning toward one, but I’m taking my time. I still have plenty of it. Again I don’t mind that someone there disagreed with him, but there are better ways to get your point across. If anything he just made people pay more attention to the speech. Made them more interested in learning about John McCain and what he stands for. Both parties deserve equal coverage.

That is why America is so great, to get all this information and not have something slanted. Which is why I think blogs are so great. People have the opportunity to freely express who they are voting for and why. While I’m sure we don’t all agree with one another, I am seeing that everyone (for the most part) are respecting the people’s posts and not attacking them for their thoughts.

It gives me hope that no matter who wins, things will start changing in the country for the better. And no matter what, we are first and foremost American citizens and we will always stand beside one another.

The good stuff

Okay now onto the good stuff that happened last weekend. I am feeling better today especially after writing yesterdays post. But I really do need to step back and really start to figure things out about my life. Otherwise things will get worse. Anyway, moving on.

On Friday I went to Baltimore. I met up with the birthday girl and we got pedicures and then went out to dinner to celebrate. We went to the Macaroni Grill. I have never been to one because I always think of it as fake Italian food. I didn’t love my meal, but it was a lot better than I thought it was going to turn out. However I probably won’t be going back any time soon. We got back to her apartment got ready and waited for our friends to get there so we could make our way downtown. We went to this place called Max’s that is in Fells Point. If you ever go to Baltimore Fells point is a great place to go out. It’s has a dozen of bars within close proximity of one another. The best night to go there is Halloween. It is absolute chaos. Anyway, this place has tons of beers on tap that are from all over the world. I love it because they serve Strongbow which is my favorite thing to drink but very hard to find in the States. It’s a cider, and my drink of choice when I studied abroad in London. It was a good time and there was a lot a laughs and drinking to be had. I hadn’t seen my friends since May so it was good to catch up. I only wish that they lived closer.

On Saturday the birthday girl and I decided to ease our hangovers by going shopping. We went to Filene’s Basement. I love that store and I got a new tote bag for work. Followed by DSW where I got 2 new pairs of shoes. They are amazing. Adidas and Nike make them but they look like cute flats. Which means I can wear them to work, walk around and it feels like a sneaker but look like a dress shoe. It is the best of both worlds! I can’t tell you how excited I am about them! I tried finding a picture online but couldn’t locate something that was close. Maybe I will take a picture later.

The rest of the day we just chilled until it was time for me to get going. I left there around 3 and got back home at 6:45. Not to bad but still not so fun. When I got home I had to change, eat dinner, and was out the door again. I told my friend I would drive because there was no way I could drink again so shortly. We ended up going down to Belmar, which anyone who knows Jersey has heard of Belmar and their bars. I have a love/hate relationship with them. Its fun to go there, but a pain to drive down, and the cops/bartenders/bouncers are assholes. They kind of have to be because the places get really insane. I also hate them because I got into a little trouble with the law a couple of years ago and was “arrested” for not doing anything wrong. It’s a long story and I’m still not sure if I was or was not officially arrested. I can tell you another time maybe. We went to this place called 507 Main (which is just their address but for some reason people think its an amazing name). I was a little cranky because I was tired from the night before and also the place was packed. You couldn’t even move an inch to dance. But I was glad to be out with my friends and we made the best of it. We even stayed until way past last call, which I very rarely do. I didn’t end up getting home until after 3:30 in the morning.

I passed out when I got home, happy to be back in my bed. I ended up sleeping in late, but my friend and me still wanted to go to the beach. Not a good idea. The traffic wasn’t so bad considering we took back roads and live so close but when we got the beach it was CLOSED. Sandy Hook beach that is literally over 10 miles of beach was closed. I could not believe it. I know it was Labor Day and what did I expect? But seriously I have never seen a beach actually close down. Oh well we just turned around and set up shop at her pool. Which to me was better because the pool was nice and quiet and didn’t have any jellyfish. The only thing was a bee stung me! I haven’t been stung since I was like 10 but there I was minding my own business sitting in her pool when that little shit stung me. I did no provoking and I didn’t even see it. All I felt was a pinch and then searing pain. Seriously I forgot how painful that shit is. My skin puffed up and was bright red. It looked awful. My arm is still red from it, but thankfully the swelling went down.

After that the day flew by. We decided to go out again, but this time close by and to a place that we hoped would not be packed. We went to the perfect place. It had an outside patio and there was the perfect amount of people. It was good to just sit and relax will having a beer, or in my case 7. I ended up getting really drunk. I didn’t even mean to. I just kept drinking. Then the bartender gave me a free beer on the house and that caused me to drink even more. I have no idea why he gave me the free drink. I wasn’t dressed up and I wasn’t even talking to him or trying to flirt. I just walked up asked for the beer and he gave it to me and said “On the house”. I was so excited about that! That stuff never happens to me. The fact that it happened on a really low-key night made it all the better. Needless to say that might just be my new favorite place to go. I also ended up seeing a few friends from high school, which inevitably always happens whenever we go there. All in all it was a great time. It might have been my favorite night out this past weekend, and not just because of the free drink. All the elements were there and everyone just had a great time.

Monday was spent in a catatonic state by my friend’s pool. It was a great holiday weekend and one of the best times I’ve had in a long while. I needed it to boost myself and start living my life again.

The bad stuff first

This weekend was insane. I needed another day off in order to recuperate. However that is not the case and I am at work as we speak (or write). I promise to give a full recap tomorrow (hopefully) but today I wanted to talk about something that happened to me.

As I mentioned last week I was going to Baltimore on Friday for my friend’s birthday. For days I deliberated with myself as to whether or not I should go and if it was even worth it. All that traveling especially with the labor day traffic to be at a place for less then 24 hours. Thursday comes and I decided to scrap the whole idea. As soon as I came to that decision I immediately felt guilty. I felt bad about not seeing my friend and then I also felt that if I didn’t go I would be missing out on this amazing time and then I would feel even more like a loser. Friday morning comes and I still have NO idea if I should go or not. Finally at like 11:30 I tell myself to forget everything and just GO. Which I did at the worst possible time, I hit A LOT of traffic. While I was driving in New Jersey it wasn’t bad. In fact I made good time getting out of the state. However as soon as I hit Delaware I was in massive traffic. As soon as I hit the traffic, I got a major panic attack and starting crying and shaking uncontrollably. I could not calm down and because of the traffic there was no place for me to pull over and regroup.

I’ve had panic attacks before but never like this and never in a situation where I couldn’t just stop what I was doing in order to calm myself down. It was bad. Just thinking about it now is making me upset. It was just traffic and I flipped out. The thing is, I made it worse than it should have been. The whole time I was driving I kept thinking about what a bad idea this was. Every time I passed an exit I got the urge to just get off and turn back around. Then I started thinking about how my friends never make a trip up to Jersey to come and visit me. Then I started to think about my life and how much it sucks right now and how much I want to quit my job. I was thinking about how indecisive I am and how even as I was still driving I was unsure if I was doing the right thing. I used to never be like this. I never had problems making a decision and once my mind was made up there was no changing it. What happened? Is it because I of my lack of confidence that I can no longer make a simple decision? Am I just to overloaded to even be able to make decisions? I just don’t know. lol. I am a wreck.

All of that was running through my head during my panic attack. It was awful, but I finally calmed down after a frantic phone call to my mom. She helped to calm me down and I powered my way to Baltimore. Eventually the traffic went away and I ended up making pretty good time considering. I also ended up having a great time but the whole time I was out and having a good time, every once in a while I would think about the trip I would have to make on Saturday. Would it be bad or worse then it was? Will I freak out again? The closer it got to the time I was leaving the more nervous I got. I just couldn’t stop it. The traffic was pretty bad on the way back, but it only took me 45 minutes longer than it usually takes me. It actually wasn’t that bad. Also I did not have a panic attack so it was much better.

Even though this all happened a couple of days ago I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. In particular the panic attack and all those questions I have. What made me turn into this? I need to stop asking myself these questions and give myself a break. Otherwise I am going to have another panic attack soon. My acid reflux has been slowly creeping back and it’s because my anxiety is getting the best of me. I refuse to go back on medicine because I hated who I was when I was on them. I need to just step back and really figure out what I am doing. I need to make time to step back and figure this all out. I just can’t figure out when. I wish I had more vacation days, that way I could really just sit at home and re-evaluate my life. Even now writing about this, I am fighting back the tears. I am such a mess and it’s mostly my fault because I never give myself a break. I put too much pressure on everything.

Does any one have any methods they use to calm down? Or what do you do when you really need to sit and make a decision? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. – I swear this weekend has been amazing, but I just needed to get this thing off my chest before I can really tell you about it. I will post more tomorrow.