Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My secret

Before I start let me preface this by saying that I’m not depressed this week. I wrote this post a while ago but I just haven’t had the guts to post it. I felt like today would be fitting. But there is no need to be worried about all these melancholy posts I’ve put up. Fun ones will soon resume.

Today is blog secret day and although I didn’t participate in it, I decided to post my own secret. Even though I guess you can’t really call it a secret if you know it is coming from me. Anyway here it is. I can’t trust people. I seem to always be waiting for the day for a person to let me down.

This started with my dad. I’ve mentioned him before but I wanted to give a little background in order to explain my problems with trust.

I tried to start a relationship about seven years after he left. I was tired of being angry and I just wanted to move on. So I started e-mailing him. I asked him a lot of questions. He never gave me a straight answer. Or he would twist my words around until they were the complete opposite of what I said. The best part? Was that he told me that he doesn’t trust his daughter and didn’t want to be manipulated by me. Me! The man who left my mother for another woman and then didn’t try to have a relationship with me, was scared that his 19 year old daughter was going to manipulate him.

Here is an excerpt from one of his e-mails to me. And yes I’ve kept them all

Not to sound cold, because that is not how I feel, but as much as I love you, and I do. I am keenly aware that I don’t want to be manipulated by my daughter at this late date. Call me skeptical, because I am. After all Carolyn, it's been seven years of me missing you and for what? You have been scared of me? I guess this is a good time to say thank you for the fathers day card. Thanks, it was touching but it would have meant more if it was accompanied by a Philip Margolis book like the old days. I miss you giving me a book."

Let’s break that down shall we? First he actually says he doesn’t want to get manipulated by me, but conveniently forgets that he is the one who cut off communication in the beginning. Then, while he does thank me for a card I get him, he actually has the audacity to say that it would have meant more if there was a gift accompanied. What the hell. This was at the very beginning of the relationship. He was lucky to get a freakin card. Not to mention that throughout our whole relationship he accused me of being spoiled and that the only reason why I talked to him was to get money from him.

If that were the case I would have started talking to him a long time ago. Other then pay for part of my college education (he was supposed to pay for it all), I never received one dime from him. I never asked for one dime from him. Even when I was supposed to get more money for school, I just ended up taking student loans then have to fight with him for more money.

Anyway, I am getting off track. I could talk about the things he did for hours. I can’t trust people, especially the opposite sex because of my father. More then anything else, I hate him for this. I purposefully date men who I know things won’t work out with. If a guy does hit on me, I think that he must be making a mistake and/or there was no one better around. Worst of all? I use my weight as the number one defense mechanism. A guy doesn’t like me? Well it’s because of my weight not who I actually am. I hate that I do this and yet I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve been to therapy but this is one topic that I tended to avoid. It’s something I need to figure on my own. If I don’t figure it out on my own, I fear that I will never be able to truly trust a person. It saddens me that I’m 24 and have never been in a serious relationship that I have never truly loved a guy before. I am so scared of getting hurt that I prevent myself from getting those feelings. I know in time this will eventually happen, but I am scared that I won’t let it happen.

So here is my secret. I am afraid of falling in love.


Karen said...

Oh....I am so sorry. Falling in love is nothing to be scared of. It is wonderful and amazing. And saying that is so easy, but letting yourself do it is so hard.


Anonymous said...

I kind of wish that I would have had the guts to post my secret on my blog instead of sending it off anonymously.

In terms of trust, I also have problems with this although for different reasons I guess. For me, the possibility of being hurt is not worth the happiness that love brings. I still choose safety over the unknown.

I hope you find someone who is worth falling in love with and that you are able to trust people again. It's not that easy though, is it?

Alexandreena said...

Thank you for sharing.
I don't have any adive to give , but I'm sending hugs your way and I trust that one day you would have sorted out through your feelings and your insecurities and meet a wonderful man and fall madly in love.

CC said...

I so proud of you for having the guts to post your secret. I have such a hard time admitting stuff like that to myself let along to the world.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. It's astounding how selfish people can be when they've got others in their lives that love, need, and depend on them. I hope things have gotten much better since he sent you that email and that you've been strong enough to tell him how he hurt you.

I was blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my father, who is a kind, hard-working, stable man. My mother on the other hand, God love her, is selfish beyond belief, childish, jealous, and spent every second of my childhood critizing me for my weight. She even told me once that no guy would every marry me because I was overweight. Ouch.

Needless to say, I've always struggled with weight issues and I'm convinced that a guy hitting on me must be a joke that he's got going with his friends, because really? I'm overweight, you can't possibly be interested.

So I guess you could say, I'm afraid of falling in love too. Of getting hurt because I don't deserve love because I'm not skinny.

Guess I just told me secret to the world too! Really just wanted to explain that I completely understand where you're coming from! Shoot me an email if you ever want to chat!

AY@tes said...

Why does it always seem that the nicest women are always the ones who get mixed up with an ass and then they're never the same? (I have 4 or 5 friends who are in the same situation as you, and it sucks)

It will get better, you will learn to trust.