Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Leaving the past in the past

With this funk I’ve been in I’m been thinking a lot about the past. I tend to put fuel to fire so to speak. I watch depressing lifetime movies, and I think about things in the past that are depressing and I would other wise not want to think about. I think I do this to myself to help speed the funk along and start feeling better.

Anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about talking to my mom about certain things. I’ve mentioned before I think that we have a strained relationship. I love her more than anything and we are pretty much on good terms now but when I was in middle and high school it was hell.

When my parents spilt when I was 12 my mom lost it. Quite understandably with everything he did but she took her anger and depression out on me. Which was unfair and deeply affected the person I am today. She never hurt me physically but the emotional abuse was too much to handle at times. One second she would be screaming and saying how much she hated ME (not my dad) and the next she would be crying and saying that she doesn’t know what she would do without me. She was rarely happy and anything that went wrong would always somehow be my fault.

It was like that for years.

What was worse I think was that she depended on me, an adolescent, to support her. To be her pillar of strength. In my opinion it should have been the other way around. I too was depressed and I just needed my mom to tell me everything would be okay. I never got that; instead I had to say that to her.

I grew up very fast.

My depression was so bad I shut everyone out of my life. I had basically one friend in middle school and because of everything I began having thoughts of suicide. I never tried anything, but I thought about it daily. How I would do it. Would any come to my funeral? Who? Would my mom miss me? Would my dad?

In high school my mom started getting better and I slowly pulled myself out of the depression. I went from being suicidal to absolutely loving my life. It’s so strange to think back on how I used to be, because I can’t even recognize her anymore.

I will always be susceptible to falling into a depression, I was for a little bit in college, but it was never as severe as it was then. It’s also something I know how to deal with now especially after the counseling I had in college. That helped me tremendously with dealing with my anxiety and depression.

Even though the past is in the past, I still feel as though my mom should know what I went through. I don’t think she really understands what she did to me. I don’t want to start a big whole fight with her; I just want to have an open dialogue. I’m afraid though she will take it the wrong way or she just won’t listen to me at all. On the other hand I feel like I can never truly open myself up to her if I don’t talk to her about it.

What would you do? Leave the past in the past or open up old wounds?


Karen said...

I'd leave the past in the past personally. What good would it do to hurt your mom at this point? I don't even know how she could hear what you went through and not be defensive. Clearly you know your mom better than me, but I cannot see that situation leading to a happy ending.

If you are ok now, why look to bring up trouble?

Rachel said...

I don't know what I would do in this situation, but the advice blog I read (The Vine, at when someone writes in with this type of question, the response is usually "What are you hoping to get out of this?" What type of end result are you looking for, and can you deal with not getting the response you're looking for.