Monday, August 11, 2008

Pity Party Time

Lately I feel like I have nothing to blog about. Which is strange because last week was kind of a crazy week for me and I still didn’t feel that it was blog worthy. Also a lot of it had to do with work and if I talked about the one thing I wanted to talk about you could figure out where I work. That sentence just made zero sense to you. Moving on.

I think what may be the problem is that I’m starting to accept my very bland life. I hate that it is happening but I can’t seem to stop it. Yes I still hate my job, but at the same the company has really nice perks and the girl I’m sitting next to is becoming a good acquaintance. We’re not quite friends, but we are work buddies. That makes the day suck just a little bit less. Also, I’m not looking for a job. Every time I do there very little out there and what I can find doesn’t really interest me. It was depressing, so I’ve stopped. I told myself that I will start seriously searching again in September when things pick up and there are more jobs. I am very afraid that October will roll around, I will have no job, and I will have been working at this place for 1 year! I really don’t want that to happen. Even if I am starting to like the people a little more and I don’t feel like killing myself in the morning I know that this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The question still remains. What do I want to do??? I still have no idea. How is that possible??????? I am getting really upset about this. I feel like a lot of people say this but I don’t believe them. Even if they don’t know what they want to do, most have an idea or a direction that they will start at. I don’t have an idea. I have like 10 ideas. Maybe I’m a nomad and will just end up jumping from job to job. I really don’t want to do that. Why can’t I just be normal and pick something and stay with it.

I’ve been seriously considering going back to school for a masters. Yes it will cost me a lot more money, but at the same time it will help me clear my head and figure out what I want to do. Now there are 2 options. Option one go and get my masters in Social Work. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would do well in that field. Option two is go to school for photography. I love taking pictures and want to learn as much as I can about it. I’m afraid that I would either suck at it or have a really hard time getting a job in it. I don’t know what to do. I also keep going back to wanting to work at either a makeup company or doing makeup for weddings. AHHHHHH. You see?? I literally can’t make up my mind. I was only supposed to put 2 options and I ended with 3. If I had not realized this I probably would have kept going. I need help. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I obviously cannot pick my own future.

I thought by writing this post I would have more clarity about things, but have now ended up more frustrated then ever. Maybe this is why I haven’t wanted to write in a while. I was pushing this down and my mind decided to just ignore all this and pretend that everything is okay. IT IS NOT. I need to stop being lazy and figure out what the hell I am doing with my life.


AY@tes said...

I'm actually facing a similar crisis. I've been thinking about doing my Masters for a while now, but I lack the grades to actually get in. I've been in the wrong industry for the past few years and I can't get to where I want to go because now that I've been working for 5 years I've got no relevant experience.

Its vicious, but you want to know what? No matter how confused or difficult times get there is one thing that you need to keep in mind: Things will get better.

P.S. - Photography is awesome. You can do it part-time at night and then start out as a freelance photographer until your business picks up.

Anonymous said...

Uhh...hi. I have no idea what I want to do either!! I just got a job in another city, working as an assistant in a field that I'm not really interested in. I'm still excited about the job because it'll be a good experience and help me in the future but still. It's not a career. I'm jealous of the people who grew up knowing what they wanted to do.
Before you get a masters, I would consider volunteering at a place that does whatever type of social work interests you (maybe you already do this?) and taking some photography classes on the side. I know the tech school here has quite a few classes in photography.
Or you could be like me and move. Actually, that's a very stressful idea and I'm already starting to freak out about the prospect of it. Not fully recommended.

Maxie said...

I don't know what I want to yet either.

And everyone goes through a blog funk every once and a while-- even if really interesting stuff is going on my life sometimes I can't find the words to blog about it. It will pass.