Monday, July 27, 2009

One is the loneliness number

This past weekend was a blast. It really felt like summer, especially since it was so hot and humid out you couldn’t go outside for 2 seconds without sweating and your hair frizzing out! Anyway on Saturday my friends and I went to this bar that’s on the beach. It was for an event called Dunesday.

Basically, we got their at noon set up on the beach and tanned, went swimming, drank a lot, ate a lot and listened to music for the entire day. It was heaven. For the most part it was really nice out. It got cloudy and rained a little for like an hour but then the sky cleared back up again.

I had a blast but around 5:30 I was freezing and was covered in sand. I was just really uncomfortable. I headed home earlier than my friends but it gave me time to rest up for going out that night.

I was really tired so I wasn’t really up for going out that night. At the same time I didn’t want to be a Debbie downer either. The people who went out was my best friend, her boyfriend, our friend J and her friend from work S. S is a guy who is married but his wife was out of town that weekend.

That night he defiantly did not act like his was married at all. He was completely inappropriate with J. Like 2 seconds from making out inappropriate. I kept on calling him J’s husband for the day. (I would give some background on J herself but this post isn’t really about them) Also he wanted to fight people, which was really annoying and immature. What is with guys who are drunk just wanting to fight? However his actions were none of my business.

The thing that bothered me was when we were all on the dance floor dancing together. All of a sudden my friend and her BF started to dance together and then J and S started to bump and grind and there I was right next to them all by myself. I was so uncomfortable just standing there with what looked like 2 couples and a fifth wheel. Just thinking of it now makes me feel uncomfortable.

I am defiantly not one of those people who gets jealous of her friend’s happiness or when they date someone, but that night right there on the dance floor I felt lonely. Heart-wrenchingly lonely. I was on the verge of tears the loneliness was so strong. What surprised me the most were those feelings. I have never felt like that when I go out with my friends but I guess it was the mixture of awkwardness and the acute realization that I really want a someone special in my life that mad me so upset.

I feel like it’s impossible to meet anyone. I need put myself out there more but 1) I don’t really know how to and 2) I am still suffering from crazy self-esteem issues. I just feel like I’m in this weird Catch-22 right now. I want a boyfriend but at the same time I don’t want to have a boyfriend just so I can feel complete. I want to feel complete with or without a man in my life.

Despite that one moment, which really only lasted like a half hour I still had fun that night. The weekend was tapped off lying by my friend’s pool all day. Although it was so hot out that I was basically in the pool the entire time. My hands were like prunes when I got home!

Have you ever been that lonely? Or jealous of a friend’s happiness?


CC said...

um, story my life lady. i feel ya! most days i enjoy being single and independent, but sometimes it feels like a swift kick to the face when your friend are all coupled off.

Karen said...

I have had moments where I have felt lonely, but few and far between. In a crowd (like a bar) I will always find strangers to hang with if my friends are doing that couple stuff. But it really rare that my friends get all lovey dovey these days. After marriage and few kids they are happy to be out of the house and eager to talk to other adults.

Anonymous said...

I have definitely felt like this before too, especially I'm always the single friend. A lot of the time, I'm not jealous of the actual couple because no relationship is perfect, but I am sometimes jealous of having a companion/dance partner/movie date, etc.