This weekend I am taking a much-needed break and going to Boston to see my best friend. She’s up there for the summer doing an internship and I haven’t seen her in almost 2 months. I cannot wait to go! She’s more than my best friend; she’s basically my sister. I’ve known her since I was 5 and we’ve always been there for each other. Also, I’ve never really been to Boston before so I’m excited to see the city and all it has to offer. The only thing is I’m taking the bus up there and I’m a littler nervous because I hate taking the bus. It was cheap so fingers crossed that all goes well and I don’t hit too much traffic. Thankfully I will take the train home and I’m much more comfortable with that. Plus it’s the Acela Express so it will get me home a whole 35 minutes faster. That is a lot when you’re traveling so much in a short period of time. I’m just happy to be getting away from my house and everything. It will defiantly help my mood as of late.
On a totally random note is anyone watching “So you think you can dance”?? I love that show but this season is really pissing me off. It is nowhere as good as last year. Last night was just awful. I only really liked one dance, and the rest sucked. Some of these people seem to have just stopped trying. I’m so glad they are switching partners next week, hopefully then there will be a little more life in the show. I did LOVE the Bollywood dance last night. It was amazing. I’m glad they are branching out and doing different dances. Also Will is just awesome (and gorgeous), but his partner needs to go. She is bringing him down. I hope she goes home tonight, either her or Comfort. As for the guys, I don’t really dislike any of them. But if I had to choose I would say Gev or Thayne. But we will see tonight.
Anyway I hope you all have a great weekend! I probably won’t be able to post tomorrow.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A New Day
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.
Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.
So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.
That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.
*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**
**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.
Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.
So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.
That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.
*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**
**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
An open letter
Dear dad,
12 years ago yesterday you left my mom. Actually you left your family. You like to say you were just leaving my mom, but what do you call not trying to contact your own children during the month that followed? Did you really think you could pick and choose when you wanted me in your life? That’s not how it works. But I’m not angry anymore. Seriously, I should hate you for everything that you done, but it got to tiring being mad. It was ruining my life and barely affecting yours. So I let go.
I let go of the fact that you chose to tell my mom that you were having an affair and you were leaving her, then proceeded to go to sleep in the same bed as her as if what you just said was okay.
I let go of the fact that you decided to go golfing the next day instead of telling your children what had happened. I let go of the fact that you made my brother be your caddy and told him while you were on the back nine. I let go of the fact that you continued to play while my brother was crying in the golf cart.
I let go of the fact that you made my mom tell me what was going on and how you conveniently left out the part of the other woman. Or while I was crying in my bedroom you just kept walking by with bag after bag of your things, never stopping to see how I was or try to comfort me.
I let go of the fact that you were engaged with the other woman before the divorce was even final. Or how you told the judge that my mom brainwashed me into hating you. Yes, that’s why I didn’t want to see you, because I was brainwashed not for your actions or the threatening letters you sent to my mother.
I let go of the fact that you tried only a handful of times to see me. I was angry with you, but you should have beat down the door and made me talk to you. Even if my mother was preventing you from seeing me, which I know isn’t true; you should have made it happen. You were the adult and I was the child.
I let go of all this and tried to have a relationship with you again in college. I contacted you, played by your rules, never asked questions that you couldn’t answer, and even visited you at your home with your new wife all in the hopes of repairing what was done. But nothing happened. You didn’t try. You wrote me one sentence e-mails once a week and thought that was sufficient. It wasn’t. I wanted a father, not an acquaintance. When I pushed for something more you called me superficial and tried to blame it on me. Again, you’re the parent and I’m your child, I shouldn’t have been doing all the work in the first place. It should have been you to contact me, you should have answered all my questions even the tough ones, you should have visited me to make me more comfortable instead of telling me it was to expensive and then going on vacation to Florida a month later.
I had to let you go again. The relationship was killing me and I was constantly unhappy. I was looking for a dad; instead I got a shell of the man who used to be him. You tried to blame me for what happened, but I know the truth. You can go ahead and tell people what a horrible and manipulated person I am, but I know the truth. I was never after you money all I wanted was you. You just didn’t want me, or my brothers for that matter.
I am truly not angry with you anymore. Just filled with sadness. When I see fathers with their children, I wished that were you. When I go to wedding and the bride is walked down the aisle with her father, I know that will never be me. You will never see me on my wedding day, or when I have children. You will miss out on my entire life and it’s all your choice. I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you have 3 amazing children who you barely even know. Sorry for the fact that you never tried to know us. We will be better people without you in our lives, but you will be for the worse now that we’re not.
12 years ago yesterday you left my mom. Actually you left your family. You like to say you were just leaving my mom, but what do you call not trying to contact your own children during the month that followed? Did you really think you could pick and choose when you wanted me in your life? That’s not how it works. But I’m not angry anymore. Seriously, I should hate you for everything that you done, but it got to tiring being mad. It was ruining my life and barely affecting yours. So I let go.
I let go of the fact that you chose to tell my mom that you were having an affair and you were leaving her, then proceeded to go to sleep in the same bed as her as if what you just said was okay.
I let go of the fact that you decided to go golfing the next day instead of telling your children what had happened. I let go of the fact that you made my brother be your caddy and told him while you were on the back nine. I let go of the fact that you continued to play while my brother was crying in the golf cart.
I let go of the fact that you made my mom tell me what was going on and how you conveniently left out the part of the other woman. Or while I was crying in my bedroom you just kept walking by with bag after bag of your things, never stopping to see how I was or try to comfort me.
I let go of the fact that you were engaged with the other woman before the divorce was even final. Or how you told the judge that my mom brainwashed me into hating you. Yes, that’s why I didn’t want to see you, because I was brainwashed not for your actions or the threatening letters you sent to my mother.
I let go of the fact that you tried only a handful of times to see me. I was angry with you, but you should have beat down the door and made me talk to you. Even if my mother was preventing you from seeing me, which I know isn’t true; you should have made it happen. You were the adult and I was the child.
I let go of all this and tried to have a relationship with you again in college. I contacted you, played by your rules, never asked questions that you couldn’t answer, and even visited you at your home with your new wife all in the hopes of repairing what was done. But nothing happened. You didn’t try. You wrote me one sentence e-mails once a week and thought that was sufficient. It wasn’t. I wanted a father, not an acquaintance. When I pushed for something more you called me superficial and tried to blame it on me. Again, you’re the parent and I’m your child, I shouldn’t have been doing all the work in the first place. It should have been you to contact me, you should have answered all my questions even the tough ones, you should have visited me to make me more comfortable instead of telling me it was to expensive and then going on vacation to Florida a month later.
I had to let you go again. The relationship was killing me and I was constantly unhappy. I was looking for a dad; instead I got a shell of the man who used to be him. You tried to blame me for what happened, but I know the truth. You can go ahead and tell people what a horrible and manipulated person I am, but I know the truth. I was never after you money all I wanted was you. You just didn’t want me, or my brothers for that matter.
I am truly not angry with you anymore. Just filled with sadness. When I see fathers with their children, I wished that were you. When I go to wedding and the bride is walked down the aisle with her father, I know that will never be me. You will never see me on my wedding day, or when I have children. You will miss out on my entire life and it’s all your choice. I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you have 3 amazing children who you barely even know. Sorry for the fact that you never tried to know us. We will be better people without you in our lives, but you will be for the worse now that we’re not.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Happy Belated Birthday America!
I hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine actually turned out to be a lot of fun. Thursday my company gave us a half-day. I got to leave early and get home by 3, that is always a great thing. On Friday I went to a BBQ with some family friends and then that night my friend and I went to the beach to see the fireworks. Of course I forgot my camera so I don’t have any pictures to post. Also it started to rain which put a damper on the whole thing but it was still fun. Afterward we went to a couple of bars near by and proceeded to celebrate this wonderful holiday. What was amazing about that night was that I didn’t spend one dollar. People just kept on handing me drinks and they even paid for my cover to get into the place. It felt like as soon as I finished a beer another one was put into my hand. One of the things I love about going out with mostly guys is that they always pay for you. Actually that may not be true, but these particular guy friends of mine just don’t let girls pay for there own stuff. It’s just how they are. And you thought chivalry was dead?? My friend and I didn’t take out our wallet once. It was just one of those days where I didn’t really have any plans but ended up having an amazing day. Compared to last 4th of July where I didn’t do anything, this was a vast improvement.
Saturday I went to a house warming party. I didn’t really feel like going cause it was going to be a bunch of people just sitting around and taking tours of the new house. Not really my scene. But my mom really wanted me to come so she would have an excuse to leave early (i.e. feed the dogs) and we could get out of there. I went and even though it was insanely boring a friend of mine was there whom I hadn’t seen in like 2 years. It was good to catch up even though it wasn’t for nearly long enough. He didn’t show up until we were just going to be leaving. He was my best friend in middle school and we have lost touch over the years. It was good to see him, and now that I know that he is sorta near by we can hopefully see each other again soon and really catch-up.
Saturday I went to a house warming party. I didn’t really feel like going cause it was going to be a bunch of people just sitting around and taking tours of the new house. Not really my scene. But my mom really wanted me to come so she would have an excuse to leave early (i.e. feed the dogs) and we could get out of there. I went and even though it was insanely boring a friend of mine was there whom I hadn’t seen in like 2 years. It was good to catch up even though it wasn’t for nearly long enough. He didn’t show up until we were just going to be leaving. He was my best friend in middle school and we have lost touch over the years. It was good to see him, and now that I know that he is sorta near by we can hopefully see each other again soon and really catch-up.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Everything from A to Zinc
I know I did a list of random things about me a while ago but I am really bored at work so I am going to steal Karen’s idea for a post to do an A to Z post about myself. Hopefully this will take up some time for me.
Alzheimer’s- My grandpa had this disease. It was horrible watching him deteriorate from this and I am petrified that I will get it when I’m older.
Baltimore – I went to college outside of the city of Baltimore.
Commute – My commute to and from work each day takes about an hour and a half to two hours. That’s about 4 hours I spend each day going to and from work. It is AWFUL and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Dogs – I have 2 dogs. One is really old and age has not treated him well. He is covered in warts, and lost most of his teeth. Most people are really grossed out by him now, but I still look at him like the puppy he used to be. The other is only 2 years old and is so cute but very poorly trained.
Exaggerate – I love to exaggerate. I feel it gets my point across better.
Funny – I like to think that I am a funny person. I love to tell stories and make people laugh. Some people though DO NOT get my humor.
Geoffrey – was the name of my junior prom date. He died 4 days after we went to prom. He was just a friend that I didn’t really know that well, but I still haven’t gotten over it. I did not want to go to my senior prom the following year. My friends made me go. I am thankful that they did.
Hypochondriac – When I hurt my knee for the third time (in one year) my doctor didn’t believe me. He basically told me that I would always be in pain and that I should just suck it up. I went for a second opinion and it was discovered that I had tore my Meniscus again and would need to have another surgery.
Irony – I find a lot amusement in things that are ironic.
Jewelry – I love jewelry. I have a lot of different types. I especially love antique/estate pieces. Even though I own a lot of pieces, I rarely actually wear it. I’m trying to make myself wear it more often.
Kleptomaniac – when I was an adolescent I liked to steal stuff. Nothing big, usually something small like a pack of gum, sometimes even an eye shadow. It was only for like a month and even though I was young I still feel really bad about doing it.
Love – I have never truly been in love, yet. There was some close ones, but never the real thing. I am scared of truly falling in love with a guy and then having him break my heart.
Meniscus- when I was in the 7th grade I tore my meniscus in my knee. I have since had a total of 5 surgeries on my knee and will eventually need to get my knee replaced.
Needles – I HATE needles. I am so scared of them. Oddly though I have 2 tattoos. I’m only scared of surgical needles that inject medicine into you. Because of all the surgeries I’ve had I’ve come to associate needles with all the pain that happens when you have surgery.
OCD – Sometimes I think I have OCD. Actually I think everyone has some OCD qualities to him or her. For me I am always making schedules. If I have to do something say get ready for work I plan my mornings down to the minute. Usually I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. For example, I wake up at 7 am. I get ready, put on my makeup, brush my teeth; get my shoes on, make my lunch and I’m out the door by 7:26. I hate that I do this, but if I don’t make these schedule or for some reason cannot follow it I freak out. It sounds tiring but it’s second nature to me.
Problem solving – I LOVE to problem solve. I know that sounds weird but I used to love math especially algebra because of the solving of intricate problems. If someone is in a predicament of some sort I love helping to figure it out. It’s oddly calming to me. People tend to come to me with their problems and I’m always happy to help.
Quirky – I have a very unique personality. I’ve heard many people refer to me as quirky or just flat out weird. Instead of taking offense I take it as a compliment.
Ramapo – was where I was planning on going to college. I changed my mind the last minute and went out of state. Paying out-of-state tuition and now owe a lot of money. It was worth EVERY penny.
Surgery – Including my knee surgeries I’ve had 10 different operations. Being only 24 I consider that quite an accomplishment. That’s me being Sarcastic, another characteristic of mine that many people don’t catch on to.
Therapist – My first year of college my major my plan was to become a Speech Therapist. In High school I always thought I would be a physical Therapist. I ended up going a completely different direction and graduated with a degree in Mass Communications.
Ulta – I love makeup and beauty products. Ulta is my favorite store, it mores like a haven for me. It’s like Sephora, but carries all types of brands from low end to high. I can easy spend a hundred bucks in just one trip.
Vacation – My favorite vacation I ever took was when I went to Paris by myself. I didn’t know anyone or speak of word of French and it was my best trip. It made me realize that I can do anything that I really put my mind to.
Whoa – When talking to my best friend instead of saying so much I usually say like whoa. For example, instead of saying “I miss you so much, I would say, “I miss you like whoa”. It’s something that both of us do. I can’t remember how it started but it was a few years ago and we still do it to this day.
Xenu – I CANNOT believe that a fictional book by a crazy man became a serious religion. I am convinced that Scientology is a cult and a very strange trend. Who ever heard of a church that you have to pay in order to belong? And do not get me started on the whole prescription medicine thing.
Yes – I am awful at saying No to things. If someone asks me a favor from them I almost always say yes. I feel really guilty about saying no and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I need to learn how to say NO.
Zamboni – I’ve always wanted to drive a zamboni. I used to take figure skating lessons and one of my favorite things was watching the zamboni smooth the ice.
That is my list. It ended up taking a long time for me to do and was a lot longer than I expected, but it was defiantly fun. I hope you enjoyed it!
Alzheimer’s- My grandpa had this disease. It was horrible watching him deteriorate from this and I am petrified that I will get it when I’m older.
Baltimore – I went to college outside of the city of Baltimore.
Commute – My commute to and from work each day takes about an hour and a half to two hours. That’s about 4 hours I spend each day going to and from work. It is AWFUL and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Dogs – I have 2 dogs. One is really old and age has not treated him well. He is covered in warts, and lost most of his teeth. Most people are really grossed out by him now, but I still look at him like the puppy he used to be. The other is only 2 years old and is so cute but very poorly trained.
Exaggerate – I love to exaggerate. I feel it gets my point across better.
Funny – I like to think that I am a funny person. I love to tell stories and make people laugh. Some people though DO NOT get my humor.
Geoffrey – was the name of my junior prom date. He died 4 days after we went to prom. He was just a friend that I didn’t really know that well, but I still haven’t gotten over it. I did not want to go to my senior prom the following year. My friends made me go. I am thankful that they did.
Hypochondriac – When I hurt my knee for the third time (in one year) my doctor didn’t believe me. He basically told me that I would always be in pain and that I should just suck it up. I went for a second opinion and it was discovered that I had tore my Meniscus again and would need to have another surgery.
Irony – I find a lot amusement in things that are ironic.
Jewelry – I love jewelry. I have a lot of different types. I especially love antique/estate pieces. Even though I own a lot of pieces, I rarely actually wear it. I’m trying to make myself wear it more often.
Kleptomaniac – when I was an adolescent I liked to steal stuff. Nothing big, usually something small like a pack of gum, sometimes even an eye shadow. It was only for like a month and even though I was young I still feel really bad about doing it.
Love – I have never truly been in love, yet. There was some close ones, but never the real thing. I am scared of truly falling in love with a guy and then having him break my heart.
Meniscus- when I was in the 7th grade I tore my meniscus in my knee. I have since had a total of 5 surgeries on my knee and will eventually need to get my knee replaced.
Needles – I HATE needles. I am so scared of them. Oddly though I have 2 tattoos. I’m only scared of surgical needles that inject medicine into you. Because of all the surgeries I’ve had I’ve come to associate needles with all the pain that happens when you have surgery.
OCD – Sometimes I think I have OCD. Actually I think everyone has some OCD qualities to him or her. For me I am always making schedules. If I have to do something say get ready for work I plan my mornings down to the minute. Usually I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. For example, I wake up at 7 am. I get ready, put on my makeup, brush my teeth; get my shoes on, make my lunch and I’m out the door by 7:26. I hate that I do this, but if I don’t make these schedule or for some reason cannot follow it I freak out. It sounds tiring but it’s second nature to me.
Problem solving – I LOVE to problem solve. I know that sounds weird but I used to love math especially algebra because of the solving of intricate problems. If someone is in a predicament of some sort I love helping to figure it out. It’s oddly calming to me. People tend to come to me with their problems and I’m always happy to help.
Quirky – I have a very unique personality. I’ve heard many people refer to me as quirky or just flat out weird. Instead of taking offense I take it as a compliment.
Ramapo – was where I was planning on going to college. I changed my mind the last minute and went out of state. Paying out-of-state tuition and now owe a lot of money. It was worth EVERY penny.
Surgery – Including my knee surgeries I’ve had 10 different operations. Being only 24 I consider that quite an accomplishment. That’s me being Sarcastic, another characteristic of mine that many people don’t catch on to.
Therapist – My first year of college my major my plan was to become a Speech Therapist. In High school I always thought I would be a physical Therapist. I ended up going a completely different direction and graduated with a degree in Mass Communications.
Ulta – I love makeup and beauty products. Ulta is my favorite store, it mores like a haven for me. It’s like Sephora, but carries all types of brands from low end to high. I can easy spend a hundred bucks in just one trip.
Vacation – My favorite vacation I ever took was when I went to Paris by myself. I didn’t know anyone or speak of word of French and it was my best trip. It made me realize that I can do anything that I really put my mind to.
Whoa – When talking to my best friend instead of saying so much I usually say like whoa. For example, instead of saying “I miss you so much, I would say, “I miss you like whoa”. It’s something that both of us do. I can’t remember how it started but it was a few years ago and we still do it to this day.
Xenu – I CANNOT believe that a fictional book by a crazy man became a serious religion. I am convinced that Scientology is a cult and a very strange trend. Who ever heard of a church that you have to pay in order to belong? And do not get me started on the whole prescription medicine thing.
Yes – I am awful at saying No to things. If someone asks me a favor from them I almost always say yes. I feel really guilty about saying no and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I need to learn how to say NO.
Zamboni – I’ve always wanted to drive a zamboni. I used to take figure skating lessons and one of my favorite things was watching the zamboni smooth the ice.
That is my list. It ended up taking a long time for me to do and was a lot longer than I expected, but it was defiantly fun. I hope you enjoyed it!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
What do you do when your future stares right at you?
I'm in a bit of a conundrum. My boss occasionally sends out e-mails of new job openings in the office. I usually just ignore them because the last thing I want to do it apply for a position I'm lukewarm about and have to commit myself to at least another year of working at a place I do not like. Today my boss IMed me asking if I got his recent e-mail about the job posting. I didn't want to say yes but there is no way I am applying so I just replied back with a cool "Yep". But seeing through my move he asked if I had any interest in the position? He had stumped me; I had no idea how to reply back. I just wrote back "Not sure" and then I typed, "I have to think about it" To which he told me to "think quickly." Obviously my boss wants me to apply for the position, which I am deeply flattered by. The new position is basically what I am doing now but I have a little more power in the whole process and my hours would be 9-6 instead of 10-7 which is a major plus. I'm not sure how different the salary would be but it would defiantly be more then the pathetic salary I am making now. Making this offer very tempting to me.
The downside? I know that this is not the career for me. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. While it would make me a little happier and would take the stress away from me having to look for a new job, I am still settling. What should I do? So I go for it to by myself some time? Or pass it up like all the others and look for something that truly interests me? The thing is if I go for this job and get it, I will basically be agreeing to working for this company for at least another year. I'm not sure if I can last that long. I know deep down I should just bite the bullet and start looking for a job elsewhere but something is preventing me from doing that. Am I setting myself up to be miserable? That's what I feel like I'm doing. Or maybe its just fear of the future and of the unknown. Either way I need to take a look inside and see what I should do. Any thoughts??
The downside? I know that this is not the career for me. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. While it would make me a little happier and would take the stress away from me having to look for a new job, I am still settling. What should I do? So I go for it to by myself some time? Or pass it up like all the others and look for something that truly interests me? The thing is if I go for this job and get it, I will basically be agreeing to working for this company for at least another year. I'm not sure if I can last that long. I know deep down I should just bite the bullet and start looking for a job elsewhere but something is preventing me from doing that. Am I setting myself up to be miserable? That's what I feel like I'm doing. Or maybe its just fear of the future and of the unknown. Either way I need to take a look inside and see what I should do. Any thoughts??
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