I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, hence the letter that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t realize that I needed to get that all out again. I guess since my dad just won’t listen to what I have to say, that letter was the best I could do to letting it all out. I can’t really talk about this to my family, especially my mother. I have my own problems with her to begin with. I step lightly around her to begin with in order to avoid any more fighting. I don’t like talking about it with my friends because I always feel like Debbie Downer when I do. I also hate having pity parties, that’s not why I wrote it. I just needed an outlet to share how I was feeling.
Anyway my point is, I thought writing that yesterday would bring me out of this funk. It hasn’t, if anything I’ve sunken deeper. When I went to therapy in college, one of the things my therapist told me was that since I don’t deal with my problems, I never grieve and begin to heal from them. Usually if there is something bothering me I just ignore it and push it deep down until I can’t anymore. Maybe that’s what this it. Me combusting and really feeling what I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Maybe now I can begin to heal. I hope so, cause I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 24, I should be acting like one.
So this is my new resolve. I am no longer going to push my feelings down. I am going to let them go and no matter how painful it is I won’t ignore them.* I am going to go out more and experience life. I’m tired of hiding in my home. I need to get out more and start being the social butterfly I used to be.
That’s all, just 2 things. Seems easy enough on paper, but in real life we’ll see how well I do with executing them.
*Warning, since this is my new resolve that may mean me blogging about these feelings and I’m sorry in advance if I become a Debbie Downer. I swear in real life I never act like this.**
**Another new resolve is to stop apologizing for stupid shit like this. This is who I am and if people don’t like it they can just not read on.