Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why so sad?

As you may know my birthday is coming up. I’m not all that excited about it and I really couldn’t figure out why I just didn’t care. I thought to myself, maybe its because its not a big birthday, or your getting older and things like this shouldn’t matter anymore. But I’m a firm believer in always making a big deal out of your birthday. If you have to work or go to school you take the day off, and you never just spend one day on your birthday, you make it into a whole birthday weekend. Getting older and growing up couldn’t be the reason. Then I thought maybe it’s because this year I actually don’t have any big plans or a birthday weekend planned out. Maybe that’s why I’m not excited. But that didn’t really seem right either. I also haven’t been sleeping lately and my anxiety has been getting more intense these past few days so I really forced myself to take a breath and figure out why I am freaking out. The more I thought about it the more I came to realize why I’m not excited about my birthday.

I’m turning 24 and I am nowhere near having the life I thought I would have by now. I’m officially having a “quarter life crisis”. When I first heard the term I thought it was complete crap and wasn’t really real. Now here I am stuck in my own crisis. I guess technically you should be 25 when this happens, hence the whole quarter life phrase, but mine is happening a whole year earlier. This is why.

When I was in high school and even in the beginning of college I thought by the time I was in my mid-twenties I would have an amazing life. I would have a fabulous job that paid a ton of money. I would be living in the city in a trendy loft, going out all time, and constantly meeting new and interesting people. Basically being a character that I so often watch on TV. However, here I am days from turning 24 and nowhere near that life. In contrast I have a job that I hate that pays me terrible money, most of which is taken away from me by the taxman and health care. I am still living a home and making a very long commute to the city everyday. I rarely go out cause I get home late and by the time the weekend comes I’m so exhausted the last thing I want to do is go out and party. In case you didn’t realize not going out equals not being able to meet new people. My social network is slowing dwindling down to nothing. I hate that more than anything. I love going out and meeting new people. I love going out just so I can people watch and make snide remarks about people. While that may make me sound really mean, I swear I do it all in good fun. Plus I can take sarcasm and jokes made toward me and I always laugh at what an ass I am sometimes.

Anyway my point is; I am freaking out cause I am so far behind this invisible plan that I apparently always thought I would follow and accomplish. I never thought I would consider my fantasy of the good life to be an actual road map that I was going to follow. Cause it is after all just a fantasy. I don’t think anyone really lives an amazing life like the ones you see on TV. I know I’m not the only one who is exhausted from working long hours, hates that they don’t make enough money and wished they got out of the house more often. It is comforting to know that I’m not alone, but deep down I still feel like a failure and a loser. Which is why I want my birthday to pass me by. So it can stop reminding me about how little I’ve really accomplished.


Anonymous said...

I swear, we're living parallel lives. You're younger by a few months though :) I hope you do celebrate your birthday though. Even if we're not at the place we thought we'd be, there's still a lot to celebrate.

Karen said...

Oh Rose. I am 34 and not where I thought I would be. Those imaginary plans are fun, but they are a set up for all sorts of disappointment.

Try to not to stress too much.