Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Anniversary

Exactly one year ago I started this job. I cannot believe that I have been here for a whole year. I didn’t think I would still be here. I realized this place wasn’t for me within a month of starting here. I promised myself that I would be out in six months. That never happened. Life got in the way. The economy went into the crapper and I couldn’t figure out what to do next. So instead of actively looking for a job, I got scared and I just continued working.

I’m still scared and I still don’t know what to do next. Which is why I’m still not actively searching. Sure, I send out a resume here and there but my heart isn’t into it. I’m really scared that I will still be here come next year. I am stuck and I don’t know what to do.

I really wish that I could just snap out of this and figure out what the hell I should be doing. I need more time to figure this out. However, I don’t really have time to figure it out when I am gone from 7:30 in the morning to 8:30 at night. I’m so busy with this job that I can’t see straight.

I’m really tempted to go back to school. But I don’t know what I should do. I have some ideas, but I’m afraid I will pick the wrong major. Like I did last time. I know that working in this field is not for me. The typical 9-5 job, or in my case 10-7, is not for me. I do not want to sit in front of a computer anymore.

I need to talk this out with someone but I really don’t know who or even how. It cannot be my mother because we are so opposite. I know EXACTLY what she will say to me and it’s not what I want. She can’t just listen and give output. Instead she interrupts and criticizes. I’ve tried that and I’m not trying again. I can talk to my friends, but they are either in a career that they love and wouldn’t understand or they are just as lost as me. ARRGH. I am so frustrated about this and this day makes it that much worse.

I did not want to still be here after a year. But here I am. Now I feel like there is a ticking bomb just waiting to go off. I feel more pressure then ever to figure out my next move and just do it already. If I want to go back to school, I would need to have if settled really soon if I wanted to start in January. If I go the other way and just try to find a new job, I don’t want to be here any longer then necessary.

I have a lot to figure out, and not a lot of time to do it. I had no idea this would be so hard and frustrating. I thought my twenties were going to be amazing and carefree. Turns out there is a lot of work involved.

5 comments:

CC said...

I feel ya lady! Trust me I do! I've been here for a year and 3 months now, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to work in the industry, but I'm not sure enough to quit. I think about going back to school too, but I'm scared I'll pick the wrong thing again. AAHHH!!! So frustrating!!!

I think right now I'm in the place that if I could get to a city that I love, surround myself with people that I love, I could deal with a job that's just so so while I try and figure out what I really want to do.

I think we're so programmed to believe we have to know exactly what we want to do by 25 and already be working in that field, but honestly, I think it's fine if we don't. We CAN do stuff on our own schedule if we want to!!! :)

Good luck with your decision.

howitstarts said...

Is there a university near you? Usually they have career services and those people are nice and tend to be pretty helpful with this sort of thing. Another thing that was recommended to me was temping. That way you get to know about a company but if you hate it, you just leave when the job ends. Just a few ideas...

Alexandreena said...

I hear you too!

Don't have any advice, but sending hugs your way!

Karen said...

The only thing I can really say is that it looks better on your resume to stay somewhere for a full year rather than a few months.

So you have that.

Good luck with the job search and soul search.

Rachel said...

I can relate to this. I hated my last job, from basically day one. But I had convinced myself that it was a great job, and that at 24, I should be starting a career; so I tried to delude myself into thinking I liked it. I felt horrible all the time and could not figure out what was wrong. It's good that you are at least aware that the job is not for you.

I agree with cc that we're ovely programmed to think we have to have everything figured out by 25. I don't have any advice except to trust you instinct. And I don't remember where I gave this advice but I told someone last week to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, because new things like going back to school or starting a new job are naturally scary.