Conversations with my mother

Priceless conversations between my mom and me. I swear almost every conversation happens like this.

Me: Mom I don’t really feel good today. I’m really nauseous.

Mom (who’s a nurse by the way): Take some Tums you’ll be fine.

Me: I already took them and I still feel really sick.

Mom: Well then you took too many of them. You know taking too many Tums can make you very sick. You shouldn’t be taking them as much as you do.

Me: I only took 3.

Mom: Then you didn’t take enough. Go and take 3 more.

Me: But you just said I shouldn’t take too many.

Mom: Oh you’ll be fine. Just suck it up already.

And another one:

(Completely out of nowhere)

Mom: You know why you don’t have a boyfriend?? It’s because you’re so loud. Guys don’t like girls like that. They want a delicate lady.

Me: Mom, when I go out I don’t walk around screaming and acting like an obnoxious ass. I am usually very quiet when I go out.

Mom: Well you should speak up and start talking more. Be more social. Guys don’t like girls who are wallflowers.

Me: But you just said that I’m too loud and need to act more like a “lady”.

Mom: You are too loud